Category: Final Appearances

Cartoons that were the finale for recurring characters. I.E., those that appeared at least twice.

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The Great Carrot-train Robbery

“Carrots is the root of all evil.”

Oh, go on Bunny-boo. Snuggle.

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Cal Howard; Animation by Ted Bonnicksen, LaVerne Harding, Jim Davis, and Ed Solomon; Layouts by Bob Givens; Backgrounds by Bob Abrams; Film Editor: Hal Geer; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc and Pat Woodell; Musical Direction by William Lava. A Merrie Melody released on January 25, 1969.

Aw man! I really wanted to discuss this short’s prequel first! But fate chose this one, and autism made it stick. Let’s go.

The last recurring minor characters to come from the W.B.’s theatrical shorts. They’re named after two of  possibly the world’s most famous criminals: Carmen Sandiego and The Hamburglar. (Do I really need to spell it out for anyone?) As rabbits, they rob carrot patches. They wear clothes and drive a car, so the rules of this world are as weird as a cartoon ought to be.

Their design isn’t my favorite. Bunny has comically sized cheeks that make her look like she’s perpetually sucking a warhead candy after brushing her teeth, and her blonde hair doesn’t match her gray fur. And there’s no proof it’s a wig. Claude is a bit cleaner, but his wide-eyed smile makes him look totally clueless. On the plus side, we get to hear Mel one last time through him. I think I’ve backstoried enough. Let’s get a move on.

After the theme song. Yep, these guys got their own tune! With sung lyrics and animation pulled from their previous short! You know, I get the feeling W.B. was trying as hard as they could to make these guys last! It didn’t really work. The only mention I’ve ever seen of either of these two was a photo of Claude in “Tiny Toons Looniversity” suggesting that to Buster and Babs Bunny, he’s a relation.

Now we can really get started. The duo (who might not be married like their namesakes, s’not clear,) want to get on board the 515 train. The ticket master says that isn’t allowed, seeing as its a cargo train. Claude lightly shakes him, and he changes his tune. I’d do the same. Those teeth look plenty powerful. I thought they’d be well known, but the ticket master doesn’t recognize them until Bunny gives their names. Who else do you think would want to ride a carrot express? Bugs?

They duck into their car of choice and proceed to do whatever they choose to do when the camera isn’t on them, while the ticket master phones the third character of their stories, a sheriff referred to as Sheriff. He’s on his way! This is the perfect chance! If they’re holed in a car, all he has to do is figure out which one, and keep them inside until they pass the nearest prison. It’s not the fastest train, so he can catch up with his car.

After an amusing drive, (I do love him being crazy/blind enough to drive right in front of another moving train.) he gets on top of a car. It’s his lucky day, as he is standing on the right car, and Claude has just emerged to uncouple the car. He gives chase, but really now? A man catching a rabbit on foot? He can’t even jump the gaps in the car, and has to run in between them. He climbs back up just as Claude aims to pop back to safety. That’s when the train enters a tunnel. If that look painful enough, imagine the cramp he’s getting ducking down in there.

Claude thinks there home free, but Bunny sees Sheriff is entering now. They hide in some barrels before they are seen. Sheriff isn’t great at catching them, but he’s not a maroon. Since this is the carrot stronghold, he knows they’ll be here eventually. He’ll hide in the third barrel. The crooks decide to show the audience that they aren’t afraid to commit murder if need be. They nail him inside, stick some lit dynamite in, and kick him off the train. He survives, but only because the cartoon isn’t over yet.

Sheriff handcarts after them, just as Claude finally gets around to uncoupling that car he keeps saying he’ll get to. Sheriff gets a real workout trying to outspeed it, and only barely makes it onto some sidetrack. He crashes once he hits the end of that line. They’re going to get away unless he find some new transportation! He buys a farmer’s plow horse to get a ride. I love- you know what? No. I’ve said that so many times, it’s losing all meaning. Let me try something new.

I’m attracted to the farmer just looking totally lost at the wad of bills he now possesses. … I’ll stick to saying “I love-” from now on. Sheriff gets to the rabbandits before they flee, (and how did their car know where to meet them?) and the two worriedly clutch each other. (Claude’s cheek is a coward, and tries to blend into the background. It works, but the principle remains.) He reads them their rights, unaware that his new partner happens to share their love of sweet root vegetables.

Horse chows down. That doesn’t sound like the crunch a carrot should make. If W.B. didn’t already prove they knew that for the past 2.5 decades, I wouldn’t bring it up. I guess since Mel was no longer under contract, he was finally able to refuse biting into the things. I wouldn’t. Not only do I like raw carrots, but I’d be thrilled to be in a ‘Tune or ‘Melody as the carrot crunch. Oh yeah, I need to be finishing up here.

That horse eats more carrots than is healthy, and Sheriff gets angry at the lack of evidence. Give it about a day, and come back with some strong stomached forensics officers. In the meantime, the crooks see their opportunity and take what they can. The sheriff chasing them on his fat horse. They’re probably still chasing to this day.

Favorite Part: The look the thieves share when the ticket master changes his mind about letting them ride, and in a panic, starts listing all the people who can ride as well as thanking them for excitement and offering some of his lunch. They’re all “What’s with this guy? We just want to do something illegal. No need to get excited.”

Personal Rating: 3. It’s better than their first short. And maybe they could have been even better than this if the studio hadn’t closed by the end of the year. It’s cool to have antagonistic protagonists, but then, being based on existing people does date things a little. Maybe things happened perfectly.

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Crockett-doodle-doo

“So I’m not a smart hunter.”

He’s practically an education!

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Warren Batchelder, Tom Ray, George Grandpre, and Ted Bonnicksen; Layouts by Robert Givens; Backgrounds by Bob Singer; Effects Animation by Harry Love; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on June 25, 1960.

It’s a beautiful day! And you should take advantage of every one of those, since Earth’s stupid axis keeps weather from being pleasant 24/365.25. Foghorn decides to spend it out in the wilderness. As he goes on his way, he sees Egghead Jr. (making a final appearance) enjoying the day the way I would: face planted in a book. Back in these days, a good chunk of adults didn’t understand that it’s a perfectly healthy way to spend one’s childhood. Foghorn decides to help out.

He’s not a moment too soon, as those difficult books have done something to Egghead’s head. When he means yes, he shakes his head, and nods for a no. That’s Foggy’s assessment anyhow, and I’m not going to doubt anyone with a dead raccoon on their noggin. The kid’s coming along and he’ll learn everything there is to know about roughing it. I’d come along, but I failed killing a trout with my bare hands back in my school days. If M&M’s weren’t around, I’d have starved long ago.

First step is getting a fire going. Without matches because those don’t exist in the wild. I don’t know if Foggy is doing it wrong, but it looks like it could work. Just would take time and effort, like all best things in life. But brains mean we can do things faster, cheaper, and supposedly better! Jr. demonstrates by making a match out of a stick. Foghorn deems the stunt impossible, and tries it himself. The stick doesn’t ignite, but his plumes do.

Once you’ve got a fire, you might as well get something to cook over it. Foghorn carves himself a didgeridoo and calls it a duck call. It’s better than that, though. It’s a pig call! One or two toots and you’ll get an adorable, excitable porcine pal who is eager to give you a ride. I want it. I will have it. And true happiness will finally be mine. Finally, someone to share my M&M’s with!

Now what kind of wilderness activities would these be without a little casual stereotyping? Foghorn puts on his native garb to participate in a little smoke signalling. Could you really send more of a message than “I’m over here.”? The kid can. And this proves he can communicate. Another thing from these days: many adults thought if you didn’t talk, it was because you weren’t smart enough to. Rather than realizing we’re smart enough not to.

Foggy’s getting a little upset that he keeps being made the fool, so he’s going to trick the little smarty into thinking he’s done the impossible: doing a dance to start a storm. He’s got sheet metal and a watering can hidden in the trees, so when he pulls the ropes, he can make it till he fakes it. Jr. will never see those ropes. (There’s colored chunks of space around that can. I think the universe is unraveling faster than I intended. I mean… eh, I don’t care what you think of it.)

Guess what? Junior can do the same but better. He places some dry ice in a paper airplane, and sends it towards a low hanging cloud. Rain and lightning abound. Maybe this would actually work! If I’m ever dumb enough to take another airplane trip, I’ll be sure to throw some of that stuff out the window. We might as well move on to trapping now. Most eating-prey would only be answering our calls at this point.

Foghorn sets his trap, and sees Jr. making a much more elaborate one. He once told a different kid this kind of stuff doesn’t work, but doesn’t recall that it did work and he got eaten afterwards. Jr.’s is more fun though, and it flings Foghorn every which way and what way before getting him snared. If there’s a silver lining, it’s that Foghorn is now finally convinced to attain higher learning. And just think, if he works really hard, he could be a C.E.O. one day!

Favorite Part: Jr. makes an actual duck call that works. I knew it would. Made funny with the reveal that it attracted the young, hormonal, teen ducks. (Given how smart the kid is, I’m guessing he wanted this.)

Personal Rating: 3

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Hittin’ the Trail for Hallelujah Land

♪”You can’t fool us, we know that you’re a man.”♪

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Paul Smith; Music by Frank Marsales. A Merrie Melody released on November 28, 1931.

Piggy, Piggy, Piggy. What are we going to do with you? You’re almost as blatant a Mickey clone as Foxy. Losing the pants could help, but it’ll be a normal day in hell before we allow a pants-less pig to headline our cartoons. Look, we’ll give you one more chance. Just promise us three things? First, try not to rip off Disney anymore than you already do. Second, don’t utilize too much hurtful racial stereotyping. We’d hate to have to censor this short completely in the future. And lastly, don’t make men wince and clutch their genitals. That should be the easiest one. Do any of that, and you’re bologna.

Nothing could make a night more pleasant and relaxing that being on a riverboat. We call it the Steamboat Piggy, after the captain. There’s plenty of entertainment on board. They’re all animals, but they sound African American, so they don’t count as guests onboard. S’good music though. You hear it, and you’ll think you’ve died and gone to hallelujah land. We’re coming up on the closest landing, so if anyone is planning on joining us, you better he here or near. If we stop anywhere too long, the scent following that outhouse we’re pulling will catch up to us.

Fluffy is on her way, courtesy of Uncle Tom. He may not look too offensive, but if you get the reference, he kind of is. Doesn’t help that he’s not invited, isn’t paid, and can vanish from existence. But don’t let that ruin Fluffy’s trip. She is on a first base basis with the captain, so she gets to join him on the top deck. Watch him dance! Those musicians really know how to play! And raid Bosko’s wardrobe! But merriment melodies will have to cease as Fluffy has a premonition. In about half a second, Piggy is going to fall overboard.

Piggy falls overboard. He’s smacked a bit by the paddle-wheel, and lands in the river. At least there’s the most miserable excuse for an island nearby. It’s not called that because of the size, but because it’s not an island. It’s a crocodilian. Given the area, probably an alligator. Just one that was drawn more resembling a croc. Because why not suggest they all look the same? I didn’t think we were racist enough. Oh yeah, it doesn’t like being disturbed. It attacks the free pork dinner.

Piggy manages to get away in a pretty brilliant fashion. He hops aboard a log, attaches the leaves it had to his own tail, than pushes his belly button. Now his tail can make like a propeller and he gets away. Bumping into a rock flings him back up to Fluffy and allows him to finish his dance. Just like he never left. But you know, I feel bad for Uncle Tom. Why couldn’t he join us. He’s a good guy. I demand that we get to see what he’s doing at the moment. I also demand some Oreo’s. I’ll be right back.

Tom’s just on his way home. Since his donkey knows the way, he tries to sleep. Reason one why ungulates are better than cars. The problem is that its tail keeps flicking his face. He shouldn’t have to lean back, so he ties a rock to it. (Disappearing tail.) With more heft, it knocks him off the wagon and into the closest cemetery. These places always seem scarier at night, and that’s because that’s when the skeletons come out. I’d question why they want to hurt him, but they were clearly human, and he’s most certainly a dog. Best to keep him from chewing on their remains. Plus, they already have a dog skeleton here. The place only allows one pet.

The dancing skeletons advance, but didn’t foresee Tom trying to get away. And succeeding thanks to the missing section of the surrounding wall. If they only had muscles anymore, they might have, could have, fixed it. Tom takes the first boat lying on the path, and heads for the water. But he didn’t grab the bottom, so he ends up floundering. It’s a good thing that Piggy’s boat is slower than a glacier sloth. They’re still in ear shot, and Piggy valiant flings himself over the side to rescue the old dog.

That’s just what the random villain onboard has been waiting for this whole picture. Fluffy tries to fight back, but her punches are as soft as her name. As if Piggy hasn’t had enough rescues today. He dashes ahead to a pole with a hook and line on it. Probably supposed to be used for loading and unloading cargo. In this case, he hooks the fiend, and frees his lady from his clutches. The boat will just have to survive without them, because there it goes. So what should we do with this character? He’s not small enough to throw back.

Piggy has the most humane solution! Since they’re right by a saw mill, they lower him onto the spinning saw blade. Wow! Just wow. Wows all around. There’s really no other way to describe it! (It’s short for ‘what? ow!’)

Favorite Part: The tussle with the reptile was fun and frantic. Really sold it with all the splashing.

Personal Rating: Well, this is the eldest of the Censored Eleven, so I have to tread lightly. That’s how I’ve decided to say, I don’t think it’s as bad as the others. I don’t get to decide how bad it is, yes, but since they’re all animals, it just doesn’t scream offensive to me as hard as I should be hearing it.

What I can say, is it feels like two cartoons got smushed together. Stealing any setup the villain needed, slash taking time away from what could have been a Warner’s version of “Swing you Sinners.” If the music wasn’t so good, I wouldn’t be giving out a 2.

 

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Corn on the Cop

“Bye-bye, birdie.”

Rock it, squad.

Directed by Irv Spector; Story by Friz Freleng; Animation by Manny Perez, Warren Batchelder, and Bob Matz; Layouts by Dick Ung; Backgrounds by Tom O’Loughlin; Film Editor: Lee Gunther; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc and Joan Gerber; Musical Direction by Bill Lava. A Merrie Melody released on July 24, 1965.

Halloween in July! Summerween, I think it’s called. I prefer Easter myself, but we need the ‘ween for story purposes.

Granny (not voiced by June this July, and you’ll notice.) is purchasing goodies for the holiday. Let’s rate them! Apples: tasty, but always a ripoff on Halloween. I’ll let you have this one only until the 90’s. Bubblegum: tastes good, looks disgusting, and I really hate putting anything in my mouth that I’m not going to actually eat. Corn Candy: I’m pretty sure you’re legally allowed to call it ‘Candy Corn’ but it sucks regardless. Lollipops: entirely dependent on the flavor, but I don’t like having a stick afterwards.

I’m skipping her house. It’s not the lousy treats, it’s her attitude. She seems to really hate this holiday. Kids get an excuse to scare her. So why even buy the sweets? Part of your religion, isn’t it. Now for that story purpose: being Halloween, a crook disguises himself as an elderly woman. Because people will think he’s really a woman. Nobody is going to think it’s a disguise? Tonight? If anything, shouldn’t this mean you can wear a traditional burglar outfit?

Turns out, the grocery clerk who helped Granny is dumb enough to not think for a few seconds. Fine, I guess I wouldn’t think rationally if there was a gun in my face either. He is at least knowledgeable enough to inform the police once he’s complied with the demands. But, this whole time he thinks it was actually Granny. Why bother with Halloween at all then? I’ll get to it when the recap needs me to.

Police H.Q. cuts into the fade-out of the cashier to alert the closest pig of the robbery. The closest pig has a duck too! Ah, Porky. I can’t completely hate any cartoon that you’re a part of. (That one dosen’t count.) The two are filled in on the details: elderly lady, blue dress, bonnet, (is it really?), and $798.44 in stolen currency. Sergeant O’Duck tells his partner to get going to the last location she was seen, despite Porky trying to tell him something. Something important. Something like “That’s w-where we we-we’re p-par- stationed!”

They find the actual Granny. Shame no one was able to notice that mask the thief was wearing. Might be a good distinguishing feature. They demand the bag and she refuses. No matter how good their cop costumes are. Now you know why we needed a specific holiday. Then she smacks them with her shopping bag. Ever been smacked by a bag of bags of corn candy? Makes you bruise like the apples Granny just ruined.

She runs off in fear with the two in hot pursuit. She passes by the real burglar, and since their wearing the same get-up, the Po-Po-Porky team mistake the actual crook for the false one. The sergeant wants all the credit, so pushes the brains of their outfit aside. Duck shot! Granny makes it home to the crummy apartment complex she lives in. Guess Sylvester and Tweety really were the ones making all the money. Crooky has also fled here, ducking into an empty apartment up for rent. Wouldn’t that be the first one real cops would search?

Good thing that’s no concern  of ours. O’Duck and newly nicknamed Dr. Coolpork knock on the fake crook’s door. Despite what just happened, she’s still willing to give them a treat. Religious reasons, I knew it. The sergeant’s plan is to have Coolpork lower him down to her window via a rope. Hey! Don’t start to fade-out when the pig is still talking! I’ll have you know I’ve thrown rocks at people for less than this! And more! I got a lot of rocks. The fake granny cuts the rope. O’Ducks aren’t known for their flying skills, so down he goes.

The next scheme is to build a hardly structural bridge out of planks. When Coolpork goes for more wood, he notices how badly the fist one was nailed down. He rips the nails out. Come on, man! You’re smarter than that! That’s something Ryder would do! (May have gone too far with that one.) Why not use a ladder? Calling for back-up won’t work because the rest of the beat got the day off for religious reasons. O’Duck carries while Coolpork directs. When the real Granny closes her window, the fake granny opens his. And vice-versa. Time for Crooky to escape.

He’s spent the whole night and some of yesterday digging a tunnel into the sewers. He exits via the manhole, leaving the coppers to fall in. I like focusing on Porky. Heh-heh, I mean the camera doing that. There’s more of a laugh when you don’t see the bottom guy about to fall in the hole. Granny’s had her fill. Not at all surprised to see Crooky, (Were you aware he was there? Shouldn’t you have figured the cops were real, then?) she drags him off for corporal punishment. She’s got a real nasty spanking hand.

As Crooky is punished, another cop shows up. Granny knows this one, so doesn’t think he’s yet ANOTHER delinquent hooligan out to harass her and get rewarded for it. He doesn’t even bother to correct her; just says he’s been looking for the guy and will take him off her hands. And addresses her as Mrs. Webster. Wow! We had to wait three years alone for her first name, and another 12 for the sur. I notice a good friend of mine only needed one year before being comfortable enough to confine.

Granny Webster says she’ll be taking the other two to their parents herself. So she drags Coolpork by the ear and O’Duck by the not-an-ear, and heads off. Too bad the picture ends before we see her getting arrested for assaulting officers. Yeah, thanks for speaking up, Flauerty. Your nickname can be douchemeat.

Favorite Part: When Granny runs by him; Crooky: “How do you like that? You come up wit’ somethin’ new, and right away you got imitators.” Funny due to how true it is. Sad for the same reason

Personal Rating: 2. I’m probably being too kind. Call it holiday spirit, but it was great to see Porky and Granny (Especially Porky) one last time. Mistaken identity naturally lends itself to comedy, too. Better than another Daffy/Speedy picture, anyway.

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Sugar and Spies

CITY DUMP

I’m beginning to think THIS is a spy car.

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Tom Dagenais; Animation by Bob Matz, Manny Perez, Warren Batchelder, Dale Case, and Ted Bonnicksen; Layouts by Dick Ung; Backgrounds by Tom O’Loughlin; Film Editor: Lee Gunther; Musical Direction by Walter Greene. A Looney Tune released on November 5, 1966.

Wile E. isn’t the only one engaged in a chase today. The cops are currently in pursuit of a cloning experiment that went awry. We were trying to combine Boris Badenov and Ratfink… Ratfinkerson. This was supposed to make a spy that would be able to rival Solid Snake somehow. Instead, it just wanted to dedicate its life to decimating moose and Rolands. Two of the world’s most endangered species. Or so you’ve been told. The most humane thing to do at this point is cremate it. It wasn’t too keen on the idea.

To lighten its load, it throws out its spy kit. We’ll never catch him now! Wile E. was hit in the face with the case and decides to make use of this free gift. Always committed to the role, he slips on a trench coat and hat. He looks fly as heck, but it probably feels like Heck wearing that in a sunny desert. Well, probably not. If you use ‘spy’ as an adjective, you can explain your way out of anything. Since its a spy coat, it probably has a cooling function. Built in AC or ice in the pockets or what have you.

He first tries the vial of sleeping gas. Warning: This stuff is potent! It can put a cactus to sleep. No doubt it could also get fish to close their eyes and turn caffeine into tryptophan. The one downside is that it’s still just a gas. You can blow it away. I don’t think it being visible is a downside. People are always curious about strange ground level clouds; curious enough to breathe them in. Not Roadrunners though. The one on screen blows it into Wile E.’s face and he sleepwalks off a cliff. Since he’s not aware of the lack of gravity, he’s not falling.

The roadrunner wakes him with an alarm clock. Wait, that was the antidote? We really should have learned that in the beta testing. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some families of test subjects who are about to receive good news! I’ll be back after Wile E. fails to mail a time bomb to his prey. *walking away* An alarm clock, after all this time! I guess it would take one of the world’s most cruel inventions to combat a runner-up.

INTERMISSION (Should you choose to accept it…)

And we’re back. Wile E is using explosive spy putty. Good thing its described as spy putty to explain why its specifically spy putty. It should blast a boulder onto one final plate of birdseed, but it lands on him. He decides to build a car. Yes, Wile E. in a car. Why does it sound so logical, yet look so taboo? He outfits it with all the best tricks, too. Machine guns, and ejector seats, and a cannon. Oil slicks are a gamble. You run the risk of humans thinking there’s a gusher around here to claim, and they destroy the pristine scenery. And probably shoot you.

The guns fire, but the bullets bounce off rocks and take out the hood. There goes the sunroof option. There goes the color in the fur above Wile E’s muzzle. He opts for the seat. It launches him to the bird, but he just misses. The car bumps him back into the seat. Then the bird leads him on a wild roadrunner chase around a natural arch, getting him to waste all his fuel in the process. The cannon can still function, but the blast knocks the car over him, and the rocks ricochet this ammo too.

This calls for remote control missile-bombs. You control where you want them to go, but you still have to program a target. I guess so they know to blow up when they hit your target and not an errant Frisbee? Wait! Wile E. was wearing gloves! That looks even more wrong than the car! The roadrunner hides under Wile’s step stool, darting away at the last minute. I guess the targeting system just tells you if what you want to eradicate is actually around. After the explosion, Wile E. has the missile-bomb wings on his own arms. (They didn’t look that big before.)

In another classic out-of-character move, R.R. chooses the moon as a target. Good thing this was the final picture! Oh, Wile E. could get back. He’s a genius, after all. I just mean that the roadrunner’s identity was murdered.

Favorite Part: The roadrunner (who is in charge of the mail around here) can’t deliver the time bomb, because of insufficient postage. Wile E. begs him to hold on while he fixes this error, and the bird nods. Was it really that easy this whole time?

Personal Rating: 2. Thank goodness the series didn’t end as badly as it had been prior. The gags don’t feel as drawn-out here, and I like that they have a theme. I never thought there was a problem in doing that. I want to now see a short where Wile E. holds auditions for other predators to join him.

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Porky’s Picnic

“Well…” “Here…” “We are!”

Porky’s day out.

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Robert Cannon and Vive Risto; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on July 15, 1939.

Porky is off to see his girlfriend. I’ve heard that it’s something you do when you are part of a couple. I really don’t know what to make of the faces he’s making, though. What exactly were you two planning to to today? Does it require privacy? I could talk about Pvt. Snafu if need be. Haven’t done that in a while.

Aww, what the heck. I’ll turn off my disgusting adult brain for the day. At least in terms of sexual innuendos. Porky and Petunia are just a couple of cherubs. Nothing more saucy planned than that titular picnic. (Porky nervously asking if Petunia wants to go to the pic for a parknic is extra adorable.) Always prepared for any activity her sweet chubboo wants to do, Petunia needs less than a second to get a basket and hat. And Pinkie can look after the house!

Yessir, he’s back. I don’t know who he’s related to this time, but Petunia really was going to leave him behind. Maybe she knows how most viewers feel about him? Even I have to admit he’s not as cute today. Chubby piggy bellies are always preferable to those odd nightgown things babies were always shown wearing in cartoons. (The bonnets were never cute.) The adults don’t make too much headway before the kid catches up on his paddle-bike. (I’ll be honest, I don’t know what that kind of toy would be called.)

Their plan for alone time foiled, they bring the piglet along. Porky even promising him a story should the kid behave. It’s that classic one about three bears and a peroxide blonde, as Porky calls her. Which is way less wimpy and childish. Porky tells tales that would make the Grimm’s proud! Pinkie doesn’t give a dang. He pulls at the spike keeping the sidecar he and Petunia are in attached to Porky’s bike. Porky is unaware his guests are traveling down a different road, and a lady never screams for help, so Petunia decides to just let fate take its course.

This road goes parallel to some train tracks, so while Pinkie giggles with glee, Petunia prays that their car will run out of steam before they reach a crossing. No such luck. Good thing in these modern times, the blocking parts are designed to keep the train from crossing the cars path. Not like there on a timetable or anything. And the two make it safely back to Porky just as his tale finishes. (It was really good too! I liked the part where the bears explained how they stole their house from a human couple.) Petunia decides to keep everything a secret, because she doesn’t want Porky to know she is too dainty to save her own life. Makes her less attractive. (And yes, I saw that sign stating Looney Tunes are playing at the community hall. Best town ever!)

The trio arrive at the park. Porky knows what he’s going to do first! What anyone spending time with their soulmate and a young kid would do: nap. I’m learning some great tips on how to be in a relationship! Pinkie decides to amuse himself by participating in squirrel decapitation. Why no, that wasn’t a poor attempt by me to be funny by suggesting barbaric murder attempts are something the kid would naturally do. He grabs some scissors, and tries to separate head from neck. He doesn’t succeed though. Not like the Hayes’ code would have a problem. It’s an important skill kids need to know.

Petunia punishes the brat by telling him to nap as well. But Pinkie would rather partake in his favorite pastime: treating Porky as his personal piñata. My pal laughs it off, but makes it well known that Pinkie’s days are numbered. Maybe even less than that, seeing as how the kid isn’t making another appearance after this. What better way to spend your last day on Earth, than by visiting a zoo? Preferably one where the animals aren’t in cramped cages. So I guess Pinkie will die unhappy unless he can make it to the mid aughts.

Petunia alerts Porky to the problem. She’s just a woman, so she can’t do anything useful other than popping the kids out. May our country join a war and give the girls a chance to prove themselves to prove me wrong. Porky is up to any challenge, and finds the kid napping amidst some cougar cubs. The zookeepers are all on strike until the animals get actual habitats, so Porky enters himself. Mother cougar isn’t pleased to see Porky so near her offspring, and stealing their dinner. Chase time.

She’s a fair feline. When Petunia is about to faint, she patiently waits until Porky has attended to his lady. But this noble gesture just reminds the cat that her mate never did anything of the sort, and resumes the chase enviously angry. But Porky is smart! He decides to just exit the cage, and the murderous mama crashes into the bars. Porky crashes into some mud, but Petunia is more than just a lady, she’s a pig, and she gives the hero the kiss he deserves. Don’t let the mud getting on her and suggesting black face distract you from how cute they are together. It’s hard to believe she started as such a bit*h.

Pinkie tries to get his squirrel head trophy again, but the rodent Conker’s his @$$ with a plank of his own. I’m sure Pinkie’s tears are somebody’s favorite part! But as for me…

Favorite Part: Porky catching Pinkie with the plank and asking what he was going to do. Well, it’s just common courtesy to explain and demonstrate, isn’t it?

Personal Rating: 3. I suppose I’m being too nice, but nobody ever tries to debate me over my scoring, so I must be correct. It’s little touches that I think make it work. (Porky commenting on his “stutter”, combing his “hair”…) And I am a sucker for my favorite couples in fiction, just like all nerds. At least this one is canon!

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The Egg Collector

“You got that way, and I’ll go this way.”

My word! A bird! (egg)

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Robert Givens; Animation by Rudolf Larriva; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 20, 1940.

Egg collecting is a hobby I’ve never tried to understand. Actually, I’ve never heard of it outside of cartoons and museums. If that strikes you as fun and you’re not killing any unborn animals, go nuts. I’ll continue to collect Looney Tunes merchandise. Whoever holds the record for the most, please send it to me after you die. I’m just presuming I’m more of a fan than you are.

Sniffles has found a book on the titular topic in the bookstore where his friend lives. In what is the norm around here, this isn’t the friend’s first picture. This friend is a bookworm known as The Bookworm, who looks closer to the real thing than you’d think, seeing as he has limbs. He doesn’t talk, and is figiteraly and liguravely spineless. He’s cute though. Little glasses, droopy cheeks, bow-tie and collar, and little yellow gloves. Just what you’d expect a cartoon bookworm to look like.

The page Sniffles is on says that for amateur egg collectors, a good place to start is with some kind of fusion of ‘great horned’ and ‘barn’ owl: The Great Barn Owl. (Noctua janus.) It’s a good starting choice, because it won’t gut you like a cassowary or projectile excrete on you like a penguin. Nah, these nocturnal birds are pretty near harmless, feeding mostly on small rodents. Sniffles doesn’t know that word, nor the bookworm. (Wisest insect indeed!)

Sniffles figures a rodent must be a flower of some sort. And while it’s just a cute bit, I actually really approve of stories where animals don’t use the names we give them. Why would they? Especially the ones who were named by cruel types:

Fathead Sculpin
Pigbutt Worm
Stink Badger
Goose

And flower isn’t such an uneducated guess. Rodent sounds a bit like rhododendron if you’re drunk/lobotomized, and if the bird is harmless because of its diet, that means it shouldn’t eat aspiring egg collectors. Sniffles doesn’t even act like a rodent. I’ve never seen him gnaw.

The Bookworm just happens to know where one of these owls resides: that church across the street. Sniffles is game so the two head over. But as everyone knows, the inside is the scariest part of any building. The insect isn’t at all ashamed to admit he’s horrified. Sniffles’s scowl makes him change his mind. The rodent says they will split up. Booky agrees, but walks backwards to stay as close to Sniff as possible. With his back turned, he doesn’t notice when Sniffles takes a detour.

A rewarding detour! Sniffles finds the egg. Freshly hatched, so he doesn’t realize he only grabbed half of the shell at first. Upon finding the owlet, Sniffles thinks, “Bonus! Who knew this hobby included free snacks?” So, why do you really think he chooses to child abduct? Even if it’s as harmless as you believe, that’ll just make you look all the worse. Do you really think being a merciless bass turd is going to convince the W.B. to renew your contract? And how’s B.W. doing?

He bumped into father owl. Great shot of the bird eyeing him. Would’ve terrified my childhood a$$. As he thinks things over, he starts absentmindedly plucking feathers. As if papa isn’t pissed enough. The Bookworm suddenly remembers what kind of animals have feathers, and sheepishly tries putting them back, sweating tubs, rather than buckets. When Sniffles finds him, he tells how he got the goods. The owl responding to his comments with tranquil fury. Somehow not seeing the massive bird, Sniffles goes on to insult it as well. It was big, fat, stupid, dumb, old, and a nincompoop. Wait… his little buddy doesn’t talk…

Sniffles finally takes note of the painfully obvious. Mr. Owl delivers another bombshell: Sniffles IS a rodent. And don’t think that Bookworm is exempt from his wrath, he’s also on the menu. How many licks will it take to get to their centers? As he goes in for the kill, Junior reveals himself. As any good parent would, dad is distracted by the “birth” of his child. Relieved to see the little fella is healthy, unharmed, and his. This gives the other their chance to escape. Sniffles grabs the Bookworm and flees back to the store. Now a much wiser rodent.

During the peril, the bookworm fainted. Coming to, he has a heart attack to see the owl is still standing over him. But not really. It’s just the illustration in the book. So you saw that earlier, right Sniff? And you still couldn’t recognize the real thing? I’ve never seen a south american tapir outside of photos, but I think, I THINK, I’d still be able to tell when I was looking at the real thing!

Favorite Part: That shot of when they’re looking up into the church’s attic. Boy is that eerie! You’re just waiting for something to leap out of the darkness/twitch slightly in the distance making you unsure if you really saw something move.

Personal Rating: 2. This is barely different from the previous owl encounter. If the insect wasn’t so adorable, I’d give this a one.

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Bosko’s Dizzy Date

“Come on over, Bosko.”

Bosko and Bruno.

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Bob McKimson. A Looney Tune released on February 6, 1933.

You know what’s funny? “Porky’s Preview.” You know what’s odd? This short’s history. From what I can gather, this cartoon was originally made under another title, “Bosko and Honey.” It was also meant to appear in 1932. Instead, it got held back due to a good sum of reused animation from older works. Strange, yet, the original print can still be viewed. There’s really no need in discussing the one theatergoers didn’t see. But maybe there’s a parallel universe where things are switched around and I’d be blogging a-

Bosko and Honey

“Make it snappy, Bosko.”

Directed by Hugh Harman; Drawn by Rollin Hamilton and Robert MacKimson; Music by Frank Marsales. A Looney Tune released in 1932.

You know what’s humorous? “Breakdowns of 1939.” You know what’s strange? This short’s history. From what I understand, this was the original print of  a short set to debut, but got the axe for reusing too much older footage. While still able to be seen today, the finished print was a different cartoon entirely. It was titled “Bosko’s Dizzy Date.” Both prints are near identical, but since this was the original version, I’ll only discuss it. They’re pretty much the same thin-

-ney is teaching Wilber the fine art of violining. He’s not enjoying himself, and since this is his final appearance, why not let him spend his time doing something pleasant? I know my eardrums would appreciate it. Besides, his white arm disease might be catching. Quarantine the kid! And are you his guardian? Honey decides she might as well not suffer alone, so she calls up her boyfriend. He’s sleeping, so it falls to Bruno to answer the pho-

-ney asks the dog to rouse the sleepy Bosko, and Bruno complies. He shambles over to the phone, more dead than alive. Just like everyone who wakes up before ten A.M. He perks right up upon hearing his sweet-voiced Honey, and agrees to come right over. Honey goes back to her music lesson, but finds Wilber dancing on the keys. Little brat. Are you his guardian? Spank him! It’s not like he could prove you beat him black and b-

-osko decides to give the atmosphere a bit of a breather today, and bikes over to his honey-voiced sweetie. Whenever he enters a pipe, he and Bruno switch roles. Bosko makes for a rather cute dog. But for Honey’s sake, I hope he’s been neut-

-sounds just like that dog who joins him on the end card. I had no idea he was so good at impres-

-ogress goes backwards a bit when Bruno ends up running in a bit of pipe with Bosko caught on top, but falling into a pit fixes everything. Upon arriving, Bosko hears the affront to music that is Wilber. He decides to demonstrate what tunes and melodies are supposed to sound like via his saxophone. Honey is grateful to hear something that doesn’t make her ears envious of the mouth’s ability to vomit. She sings along while Bosko shows off some classic dance moves. Angry at being put in his place, Wilber empties a tub of water on-

-ater doesn’t dampen Bosko’s spirits at all. In fact, he’s able to blow bubbles just like before. Honey dances down them so she can join her BF on an outing. Have fun teaching yourself Wilber. There are no refunds for your lessons. Honey accepts cash or c-

-aught off guard via the sudden drink, but his bathing suit always appears when he needs it, so none of his good clothes were ruined. Still, as punishment, Wilber is banned from the rest of the picture. Bosko takes Honey on his bike, and they pass through the local barnyard. Scaring chickens, and both entering a barn, but Honey exiting on a steer. That’s the pure essence of comedy: a lady riding a bovine against her free will. Tired and cliche it may be, but Bosko yuks it up. You really need to learn to laugh at yourself, beautif-

-aithful Bruno tags behind with the picnic basket, but those trees are calling to him. I’m lying. The tree he has his sights set on knows full well what he intends to do, and kicks him away. Seems its bark is worse than Bruno’s bark. I think that can be my favorite joke. Bosko and Honey, meanwhile, have made themselves comfortable on a log. Bosko then offends Honey agai–

-fails to find the humor in her little mishap, but it’s more than just a figurative storm brewing. The two run for shelter while Bruno is left to get struck by the lightning. Poor little guy. Remember Bosko: dogs should always have priority over lady friends. If they don’t agree, they’re not a good match for you. They take refuge under a bridge, but a nearby pipe still catches Bosko in a deluge. There’s that laugh I wanted Honey to have. Don’t know what was so ‘dizzy’ about this date though. Wasn’t even a torn-

-hat’s where it ends. That was your outing? You really need to get Honey a present to make up for wasting her ti-

-orite Part: The fact that Honey didn’t find it at all odd that Bruno was the one answering the phone. Guess his breed is secretary. Now, the rating I’ll be giving can be applied to the other short as well. That’s-

-onal Rating: 1. Feels like two different cartoons were smushed together because they didn’t know how to end one, and finish the other. I don’t see why they were so afraid to release this one. It was barely changed for i-

-theatrical release. Hope you aren’t too disappointed that I’m not going to discuss both cartoons. The end of the summer season is upon me and I need at least one more dish of ice cream to help me survive eight more months of insufficient heat.

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Westward Whoa

“Th-Th-Th-Th-Those k-k-kids must think we’re pr-pretty dumb.”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Paul Smith and Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on April 25, 1936.

This picture opens up eerily similar to the Mickey short “Pioneer Days”. But that’s explainable. Jack worked on that picture too. And Mickey was all color by this point in time, so they probably figured nobody would even remember his old work anymore. Give anything enough time, and you can claim credit as the first human to create it. I think I just need two more years before I debut my novel: “Anna Karenina”.

A wagon train crosses the land. Beans and Kitty are the leaders of this outfit, and they’ve got the most bad@$$ crew available. There’s Porky Pig.

That’s all. But they might as well bring more along for the trip. You can’t make a whole settlement with only three pioneers. The only other ones I could name though are Ham and Ex, making their final appearance. Good for them. Kitty decides they will make camp in this area that has tall shady trees, comfortable rocks, and essential for life water. Everything you need when taking over somebody else’s home.

This calls for a hootenanny! Let the music and dancing commence! Proto-Petunia dances with the last of Goopy’s lineage. They don’t really care for one another, but they are the closest match for the dog and pig dancers from Mickey’s party. Strangely enough, no Mickey clones show up. You’re telling me those guys have dignity? While the adults have their fun, Ham and Ex tell Beans that they will be off playing “Indians” in the woods. People die on these kind of trails all the time, so Beans just reminds them to be wary of the real deal.

Almost immediately, the two think they spot the feathered headdress of what could be a chief. Wild turkey surprise! They change games and start playing ‘Cry Indians’. That’s a serious threat, and the rest of the train gets their firearms ready to defend. Beans takes a shot and the bird loses his biggest fan. What a disgrace to natural art. The pups laugh themselves silly and don’t think to do so where Beans won’t see. I mean, for all he knows, you could have made a genuine mistake. But not now. Dummies.

He warns that a real “Indian” could very well remove your head. Remembering Ex exists, he tells him he too, could also fall victim. (And if you need help remembering “X” exists, follow this link.) This threat doesn’t bother the kids too much, and they start doing “Indian” impressions next. Once again, panic ensues. The adults waste more bullets, and the brats decide this time to hide, so Beans can’t fail to scare them again. Since he can’t find them, he might as well go back to chopping color-changing wood.

Aw, shucks! Looks like the real deal has shown up. The two are able to get him stuck in a log, and beat him a bit, but their cries for aid aren’t taken seriously anymore. I’m all for children learning, so I don’t feel too bad. There are reinforcements around. Some are human, some are canine, and some are frightening combinations thereof. But the chief almost looks like a dhole, so he might legit be Indian. It feels weird not feeling weird to call him that.

Porky is the first to spot the natives. Poor guy is so scared that even his normal speech pattern is a luxury. He finally shouts things out when an arrow gets him in the rear. Even if this land is rightfully theirs, they have a problem with me now. Whoever shot him, come forward! I promise your death will be swift. Excruciatingly painful, yes, but its the best deal you’re going to get. The pioneers fight back.

Ham and Ex are able to still do some good smacking, (that’s a humorous scream their pursuer has,) but he gets a hold of them anyway. The duo’s screams are heard by Beans who I guess was actually too cowardly to fight and was hiding in the woods. Or nature called. They’d be equally funny. He redeems himself by throwing a bear trap like a hammer and pinching the threat’s cheeks.

Not aware that Beans saved their hides, the twins watch the native flee. With their backs turned, Beans seizes the opportunity to give them a taste of their own medicine. You like that guys? Karma’s your mom!

Favorite Part: One settler is getting chased by a native, and saves some time by handing over his wig. Another joke from Disney, but made funnier here by the native happily cheering.

Personal Rating: 3. I do think Mickey’s was better. Mostly because the natives are all rat/wolves or something. Makes them less offensive today.

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Yankee Doodle Bugs

“You’d better hop along, Cassidy.”

There’s no use changing the history books for little ole him.

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animatin by Art Davis, Manuel Perez, and Virgil Ross; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on August 28, 1954.

As animated series like “School House Rock”, “The Magic School Bus”, and “Animaland” can attest, learning doesn’t have to suck. Therefore, I for one propose that Bugs teach us about American History. Because the country’s birthiversary is this upcoming week, and if you don’t know anything about who/what you’re celebrating, then brother, you’re hardly celebrating at all.

It starts when his nephew, Clyde is struggling to learn about the past. (I’ve discussed Clyde before, but this is his final theatrical appearance.) Wouldn’t be that much of a big deal, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s going to have a test on the subject later today. (That and his books blend into the carpet.) Bugs offers to help. (Clyde: “Do you *half a second pause* know about American history, Uncle Bugs?”) Turns out history is loaded with rabbits. They’ve been involved with Columbus, Napoleon, Nazi Germany, The 1943 Oscars, and the invention of gunpowder. You can quote me on this because I’m a valuable resource.

Bugs starts when the Dutch bought New York for a song. And I mean that in the punniest fashion. The Native Chief got a really good deal. Then pretty much nothing happened for over a hundred years until Benjamin Franklin *clears throat* “discovered” electricity. It was all thanks to the rabbit who held his kite just as lightning struck it. Ben took the credit, because taking the credit is mankind’s greatest invention.

Then a war was set to happen because The King put tacks on the tea. (Punniest. Way.) This could not be stood for, so an army was drafted. The backgrounds have a U.P.A. minimalistic design that goes all the way when we get to George Washington. They’re so minimal, that they cease to exist! Don’t walk into the void, George! It’s probably dangerous! I don’t see any food, for one thing. Wait. He’s fine. It’ll be a bit of a struggle to leave his candy shop, but his wife will just have to handle it herself until he wins independence.

If this is going to be its own country, it’s going to need a flag. A woman named Betsy Ross was assigned the task of sewing it up. She’s got six red stripes that represents all the blood that will be spillt, five white ones that represent the skin tone of the generals, and a blue section that is supposed to be the ocean, which the country will be surrounded by, some day. A rabbit gave her the idea for a finishing touch after he stepped on a rake and saw ten stars. Never having learned to count, she added thirteen.

It was a bitter fight. Cold winters made ice cream men enemies of the sate. What have we become? War truly changes a man. Eventually though, the enemy fleet was bottled up. (Pun. Knee. Est.) Once Washington crossed the Delaware River, victory was won. Simple as that. And that was pretty much everything that happened between then and 1954. This is a very boring country. The next thing worth noting would be Disneyland opening the following year.

Perfect timing! The school bell is chiming and Clyde’s got a test to ace. Bugs is such a good uncle. A guncle, if you will. When school lets out, Clyde comes back angrily glaring. It’s quite funny. Bugs can’t figure out why he’d be scowling like this, so Clyde spells it out for him: D-U-N-C-E C-A-P. I’m sorry kid, but penmanship counts.

Favorite Part: The king is really getting his jollies when he puts tacks on the tea. It’s good to see leaders put the riot in dictator.

Personal Rating: 2. I did say punniest, rather than funniest. I just don’t feel like the jokes were powerful enough. They could have gone farther, but then I guess it would have ended with Clyde getting sent to Special Ed. (Because that’s how they’d handle it at the time, thank you.)