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Westward Whoa

“Th-Th-Th-Th-Those k-k-kids must think we’re pr-pretty dumb.”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Paul Smith and Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on April 25, 1936.

This picture opens up eerily similar to the Mickey short “Pioneer Days”. But that’s explainable. Jack worked on that picture too. And Mickey was all color by this point in time, so they probably figured nobody would even remember his old work anymore. Give anything enough time, and you can claim credit as the first human to create it. I think I just need two more years before I debut my novel: “Anna Karenina”.

A wagon train crosses the land. Beans and Kitty are the leaders of this outfit, and they’ve got the most bad@$$ crew available. There’s Porky Pig.

That’s all. But they might as well bring more along for the trip. You can’t make a whole settlement with only three pioneers. The only other ones I could name though are Ham and Ex, making their final appearance. Good for them. Kitty decides they will make camp in this area that has tall shady trees, comfortable rocks, and essential for life water. Everything you need when taking over somebody else’s home.

This calls for a hootenanny! Let the music and dancing commence! Proto-Petunia dances with the last of Goopy’s lineage. They don’t really care for one another, but they are the closest match for the dog and pig dancers from Mickey’s party. Strangely enough, no Mickey clones show up. You’re telling me those guys have dignity? While the adults have their fun, Ham and Ex tell Beans that they will be off playing “Indians” in the woods. People die on these kind of trails all the time, so Beans just reminds them to be wary of the real deal.

Almost immediately, the two think they spot the feathered headdress of what could be a chief. Wild turkey surprise! They change games and start playing ‘Cry Indians’. That’s a serious threat, and the rest of the train gets their firearms ready to defend. Beans takes a shot and the bird loses his biggest fan. What a disgrace to natural art. The pups laugh themselves silly and don’t think to do so where Beans won’t see. I mean, for all he knows, you could have made a genuine mistake. But not now. Dummies.

He warns that a real “Indian” could very well remove your head. Remembering Ex exists, he tells him he too, could also fall victim. (And if you need help remembering “X” exists, follow this link.) This threat doesn’t bother the kids too much, and they start doing “Indian” impressions next. Once again, panic ensues. The adults waste more bullets, and the brats decide this time to hide, so Beans can’t fail to scare them again. Since he can’t find them, he might as well go back to chopping color-changing wood.

Aw, shucks! Looks like the real deal has shown up. The two are able to get him stuck in a log, and beat him a bit, but their cries for aid aren’t taken seriously anymore. I’m all for children learning, so I don’t feel too bad. There are reinforcements around. Some are human, some are canine, and some are frightening combinations thereof. But the chief almost looks like a dhole, so he might legit be Indian. It feels weird not feeling weird to call him that.

Porky is the first to spot the natives. Poor guy is so scared that even his normal speech pattern is a luxury. He finally shouts things out when an arrow gets him in the rear. Even if this land is rightfully theirs, they have a problem with me now. Whoever shot him, come forward! I promise your death will be swift. Excruciatingly painful, yes, but its the best deal you’re going to get. The pioneers fight back.

Ham and Ex are able to still do some good smacking, (that’s a humorous scream their pursuer has,) but he gets a hold of them anyway. The duo’s screams are heard by Beans who I guess was actually too cowardly to fight and was hiding in the woods. Or nature called. They’d be equally funny. He redeems himself by throwing a bear trap like a hammer and pinching the threat’s cheeks.

Not aware that Beans saved their hides, the twins watch the native flee. With their backs turned, Beans seizes the opportunity to give them a taste of their own medicine. You like that guys? Karma’s your mom!

Favorite Part: One settler is getting chased by a native, and saves some time by handing over his wig. Another joke from Disney, but made funnier here by the native happily cheering.

Personal Rating: 3. I do think Mickey’s was better. Mostly because the natives are all rat/wolves or something. Makes them less offensive today.

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Bosko and Bruno

“Scram, Bruno!”

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Paul Smith. A Looney Tune released on April 30, 1932.

Times have been rough for “Bosko and Bruno”. Especially Bosko, but extra-especially and Bruno! Has he ever made one appearance in anything since the MGM shorts? I’ve just decided that I hope he gets a cameo in “Coyote vs Acme”. I’ll put him above Sniffles and the Minah Bird, but below Snafu and both of Chuck’s Ralphs. But in relevant talk, I just meant in the picture named after them. (Which, of course, was neither of their debuts.)

You see, the two are playing tramps in an era before you’d think it natural for a dog to be one. Luckily for us, they’re not miserable and Bosko isn’t one of those people who keeps a dog around for more pity points. They mostly just spend their days walking on the train tracks. Not beside them because there aren’t any sidewalks. It can’t be too healthy. I saw one of and Bruno’s spots change color. Pretty confident that’s carcinogenic. Good thing the trains only run on Sundays.

The two panic when the train approaches. But the shot of the train suggests they’re running towards it. I know you’ve got next to no future Mr. Sko, but leave the innocent dog out of this. Well, and Bruno’s run about all he can, because his foot is stuck in the tracks. Bosko tries to divert the tracks because it’s more ethically sound to inconvenience a train-ful of people than sacrifice a dog. No, really! You can kill like, three people before you’re condemned to Hell, but only one dog.

Since all train engineers have just resigned themselves to an eternity of torment and nightmares, they’ve made sure to lock up the track switch just in case they’re ever in such a situation as this. Despite Bosko’s best efforts, he is unable to change the track and and Bruno is run over. But he’s clever that one! He managed to get himself under the tracks and is no worse for wear. Upset that his dog would scare him like that, Bosko gives chase. But the shot of and Bruno suggests he’s running towards Bosko.

Once in a tunnel, they get scared at the approaching noises. It’s obviously of the bovine ilk, but you really shouldn’t take chances when its dark. Their tunnel vision convinces them it’s another train. Oh! It was just a steer! You guys must feel pretty dumb, and rightfully so. Just don’t screw-ups like that if you want respect. (Forgive me, I forget that they are lucky enough to not live in the real world. Please take me with you! I just want a place where I fit in!)

Bosko takes note of some tracks that aren’t of the train variety and he and and Bruno follow. They lead to a hen in a pen. Let me guess: she was playing Chicken on those tracks, right? Well, she is a chicken, the natural prey of mankind. Eat up. Except, Bosko is too nice of  a guy for that. He just wants her for eggs. But it’s so much fun to watch a dog chase after another animal with every intent to kill! He sends and Bruno after it, telling him not to hurt it. Guess what, you can’t have your chicken and and Bruno eat it too.

Then the hen runs into the lawn mower. I’d just like to remind you that those are feathers coating the yard, but the lack of color can’t prove it. The hen is pre-plucked and and Bruno has two kinds of pelts now. That makes him the peltimate dog, but not the ultimate. That title belongs to the owner of this farm. It’s one of those weird cartoons where half the canines are anthro. And anthro-animals carry guns. Farma’ Pup opens fire on the two tramps, forcing them to flee for their lives. Look on the bright side Bosko: the majority of Earth’s creatures produce eggs. Take your pick. I’ve heard the cicadas’ are lovely.

They hop onto a new train, but they got the last car, and that one is never attached very well to the rest. They careen down an adjacent track. Bosko finally got his wish, but it was granted by a monkey paw that was also a genie. If it was also one of the Greek gods it’d be the ultimate dick combo. (But not the peltimate. I’m going to keep trying to make that a real word.) Another steer gets chased by the two, but runs out of track because it ends at a tree. Curse that genie paw! The steer is flattened, but the other two are okay. Guess this is as good a spot to end things as any.

Favorite Part: And Bruno was pretty cute covered in feathers.

Personal Rating: 2

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Bugsy and Mugsy

“Now you’re mad at me again.”

Directed by Friz Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Virgil Ross, Gerry Chiniquy and Art Davis; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Boris Gorelick; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl Stalling and Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on August 31, 1957.

You may remember that I had problems with “S.4A.M.” But that’s okay because when Fred visited me back in 2011, I made sure to tell him to tell Friz that if he should ever direct a short like that, he should remake it seven years later. Thus, our current timeline. Sure, it changed history to make it so any attempts at saving Lonesome George were futile, but in the end wasn’t it worth it? No, but at least this picture fixed its predecessor’s problems.

Heavy rainfall has caused Bugs to take temporary leave of his burrow and relocate to the drier confines of an abandoned building. But only abandoned for so long, as Rocky and Mugsy decide to use this place as  a hideout while the cops hunt. All-around good guy and advocate for anybody suffering from karat theft, Bugs takes it upon himself to teach the scoundrels a thing or… actually, he’ll stick with that one thing. Crime doesn’t pay, buckos. Get ready for a hardcore teaching.

While the thieves sleep, Bugs places a phone speaker near Rocky and berates his naivety. Really? You’d leave all those jewels laying around with Mugsy right there on the couch? He may act dumb, but he can get ideas. Rocky slaps the big guy around for that, despite Mugsy’s claim that he doesn’t get ideas. His brain isn’t that developed. Rocky may act placated, but once you plant a doubt seed, it doesn’t die. I suppose you could send a doubt gopher after it, but those don’t move out.

To fertilize that seed, Bugs plants an axe in the sleeping Mugsy’s grasp and warns Rocky that falling asleep wouldn’t be very conducive to survival at this point. The boss gets the weapon and takes the first swipe. Good thing Mugsy gets this kind of abuse on a daily basis. He sees Rocky’s action as nothing more than a joke, but still needs to wear his replacement hat from now on. He’s also a little jumpy from here on out. (Good attention to detail keeping the couch still busted in the next scene.)

Bugs next begins to unscrew a chandelier over Rocky who I’m surprised could fall asleep by this point. Burglary must really take it out of you. (That would explain why the Hamburglar slept for about 20 years.) Mugsy notices this and rushes to get a screwdriver of his own. (Oh. The couch is repaired now. Never mind. This cartoon is ruined.) He gets in place just as Bugs finishes. What a terrible spot to be found in without context.

To put his mind at ease, Rocky hogties Mugsy, and throws him into a different room. Still, those nerves will be jumpy for the rest of the night I’d wager. He catches sight of the saw cutting through the floor at this feet, and Bugs puts the offending article in Mugsy’s grasp. There’s pretty much no way he could explain himself now. Not that’d he do a very articulate job, anyway. The damage is done, and Rocky refuses to sleep anymore. Time to finish things up.

Bugs fits Mugs with some skates, and controls him via horseshoe magnet. He tugs the big lug into Rocky’s mug, who punches him back. So Bugs keeps it up. So Rocky keeps it up. This creates a lot of noise, and it’s not long before the popo pulls up. On their way to jail/prison, Rocky wonders how they were ever found out. Noise, sure, but it was an abando building. Those things always have creepy unexplained noises lurking within. (My money’s on doubt gophers.) It wasn’t brilliant detective work; Bugs labeled the place as their hideout in light-up letters and neon trim. Very artsy.

Favorite Part: A good rule of comedy is to have a quiet character make a drastic shift in volume. Rocky does this when he catches Mugsy with the saw. “I don’t know how youse done it, but I know YOUSE DONE IT!”

Personal Rating: First, why I think this short improves on its forebear. First: The two made to break up are criminals, so they kind of deserve to be punished. Wait, no ‘kind of’. The real world should really adhere to that. Second: There’s no beautiful friendship that Bugs is ruining, despite what Mugsy thinks. Rocky does not see him as an equal. Third: In this short’s continuity, they haven’t met Bugs yet, so I’m not asking why they wouldn’t think he might be behind everything. Improvements across the board. 3.

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Fox-Terror

“Well, boll, ah-say, boll my weevil!”

That’s the biggest chick-en, ever he seen!

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Keith Darling, George Grandpre, and Ted Bonnicksen; Layouts by Robert Gribbroek; Backgrounds by Bob Majors; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl Stalling, Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on May 11, 1957.

There’s an alarm going off in the chicken coop! I bet it was a fox, because there’s one vacating the premises now! Barnyard rushes over to the one who pulled the alarm, some young rooster. Barnyard doesn’t take him too seriously, because he’s just a kid with adult plumage. Doesn’t help that the little guy can’t use any big-boy words. The Dawg interprets the squawks as asking for a drink of water. Water is delicious and all that, but why even have the alarm if you won’t take it seriously? Has he cried fox before?

Foghorn has no interest in pranks today. He aims to go fishing. Roosters love fish! They’re basically the same animal in different biomes. The foxy rascal catches sight, and hatches an idea. Nothing as dumb as trying to eat the bird willingly walking off the premises, (he’s 65% salmonella from all his fishing) no, his plan requires donning a disguise that makes him look like he deals in cocaine, and telling Foggy point blank that he isn’t going fishing. He should take the local hunting dog and go hunting. Roosters love the power that comes from wielding a fire arm, and goes to fetch B.D.

Barnyard resists, saying he has to continue to guard. (Leading me to believe that he’d love to go if he had free time. It’s what he was bred for, after all.) The fox tries to get some dinner, (That green hen doesn’t look ripe enough.) but the little rooster from before pulls the cord again, and the Pavlovian treatment gets Barnyard to rush back, dragging Foghorn behind him. Foghorn gets slammed into a birdhouse, and that just kinda kills his urge to hunt. It really would be weird; him being classified as a game bird, and all. And seeing as there’s no fox, Barnyard gets the kid more water. Hydrate to feel great!

The fox already has a new scheme. Playing game show host, he ushers Foghorn into a booth with two buzzers. Here’s the question: he’s got to recite the poem that contains the words “red” and “blue” and, once he’s got it figured out, recite it, pushing the buzzers when he mentions the hues. That’s too vague! I mean my answer was:

The color of burns and embarrassment, sure, but also luscious, ripe apples and good cuts of meat. Stop for the fist hue of the rainbow and bow: red. On the other extreme: cool, calming, and collected. A friendly sky, a majestic ocean, and animals you should not ingest. You shouldn’t feel sad when you behold: blue.

And that fox had the audacity to not only say I was wrong, but that my poetry is amateurish! I can’t take criticisms if they’re wrong!

Foghorn claims that the answer goes” Roses are red…” and he pushes, unaware that the device is connected to dynamite that the fox stuck in Barnyard’s mouth. Even though he was asleep, and Foghorn is a sound-muffling room, he knows exactly the accompanying line and pushes the buzzer himself once he’s donated his explosive to Foghorn. Man, this game show has everything!

Foghorn decides to go fishing after all. The fox meanwhile, has tricked Barnyard into leaping into a magic box. It’s magic because it’s fairly large, but can be folded into a pocket sized cube. He gives it to Foghorn, claiming it to be a lucky charm for fishermen. Roosters, that is. Actually, he charges Foggy ten dollars. Helps keep up the charade, you know. All Foghorn has to do, is blow on the charm thrice, then toss it over his left shoulder. Following these directions has the charm landing in a well. Best hope you did it perfectly!

Barnyard escaped, and you’ll never know how he did it. He folds Foghorn up and toss him in the well. That’s just a really fun bit of cartoonery you don’t see unless a character has already been flattened. I like it. Foggy finally asks why Barnyard is beating him up today, as he’s been particularly kind today. (I.E. out of character.) Barnyard says he’s interfering with his guarding, but that was only the first time! Foghorn catches the real culprit entering the enclosure once more, but holds Barnyard back as he’s got a plan of his own.

The fox has cut the cord for the alarm, but the little rooster still gets it to ring by pulling the severed end. Even though, as far as the fox knows his latest scheme worked, he flees. He runs into Foggy and the Dawgy dressed up like he originally was. Knowing that everything has been figured out, he struggles to come up with an explanation, but the two aren’t hearing it. They don duelist uniforms, turn, and shoot the fox. That was just the appetizer though, they let him have a head start as they get into their next outfits: horse and fox hunter.

The hunt isn’t on though. It’s the little roosters turn to don the slicker duds and tell the two that they won’t be doing as they plan. Mainly because the cartoon is over, but also because… actually just that. The cartoon is over.

Favorite Part: Barnyard getting fed up with the kid “asking for water” and planning to just bean him with a hammer. Oh, quit whining about child abuse. 1. The kid fights hammer with hammer. 2. I’m still not even sure that’s a kid.

Personal Rating: 3

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War and Pieces

‘GET LOST’

There he go-go-goes!

Directed by Chuck Jones; Co-Director: Maurice Noble; Story by John Dunn; Animation by Ken Harris, Richard Thompson, and Tom Ray; Layouts by Dave Rose; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Musical Direction by Bill Lava. A Looney Tune released on June 6, 1964.

Well, this is it. The end. Not my end, tempting though it may be, but I mean for Chuck. This is his last short for the studio. (Couldn’t think of one more speed related title?) It’s a fine way to go, as any of his Road Runner pictures are. But it is still depressing, which is fine because I’ve been really feeling my depression this last week. I think I’ll work it into the weekly post as many times as I possibly can and hope the antidepressants do their one job by next time.

As Road Runner runs, he gets his usual labeling. Wile E.  doesn’t get his right away. He has to wait until the grenade he throws rebounds off a cactus and back to him. While waiting for anything Wile E. related is torturous, (I’ll never make it 12 months with my sanity intact!) I suppose it was all for the best here, as the freeze-frame manages to capture the goofiest face Wile E. could make. Well, I guess he could stick his tongue out. I ruined my description, just like everything else I interact with. I apologize for being born, and will get my parents to say the same some day.

Wile E. tries to fire himself from a bow, but he’s done that before. The new method involves a rope and pulley to aid in pulling back the bowstring. This results in his lower half being torn off, allowing us to see his boxers, socks, and disturbing human legs. I know all about having to hiding my ugly body, so he gets my condolences. Not that anyone would want to get anything from me. Well, other than ‘away’. I’m sorry, is the short still going on? Where are we now in the recap?

Ah, yes. We’re at the part where Wile E. has set up an electric eye-beam that triggers a crushing mechanism. Genius that he is, he made sure to factor in a slight delay since the crusher is behind it. Just like the good times. Problem is, its not an invisible beam. Road Runner notices and stops to inspect. Wile E.’s own impatience is his undoing here, as he decides to just make a grab right as the bird steps into the light. Invisible! That’s it! The bird won’t run away from what it can’t see. Wile E. just needs to “Goosebumps #6 Let’s get invisible!”* It’s easy. Just look at me. (If you could.)

It takes a while to find a legitimate can of that paint. Rip-off artists sell many empty cans this way. Personally, I like buying things that remind me of myself. Once Wile E. gets a nice coat going, he heads to the road and jumps at the first beep. As science has already ruined for us: being invisible means no light can get into your eyes, and makes vision itself disappear. Wile E. never saw the truck coming. I like watching his stumbling footsteps reveal he was really knocked for a loop. Then he falls off a cliff. I’d follow, but I don’t have the will to do anything anymore.

With the bird at the top of a cliff, and the canine at the foot, it only makes sense to grapple-hook his was up. His fist might be on the screen a little too long. We all make mistakes. Except me. I just am one. Wait, the hook is still up above. What did he hook onto? Just a cloud. Those things are stupidly flimsy, and it tears open unleashing its lightning. Ow, but at least feeling pain is feeling something. Better yet, Road Runner really is enjoying the view today, so he perches atop another cliff. Wile E. can try something new! I doubt it will work. I doubt a lot.

Wile E. tries riding a missile up, but the sloping cliff sends him back down. This missile however, is just like a smile: tough. Rather than an explosion, it takes its rider through the Earth and right to China. (Shouldn’t have turned left from Albuquerque.) There are Roadrunners there, of course, but they are… of a rather outdated design. Actually, never was dated. (Just like me.) Or maybe its eyes aren’t squinty, but just closed because its better than seeing awful reality. Wile E. doesn’t mind too much. Chinese food for dinner!

I lie to feel better about myself. Since this isn’t the Road Runner, it is allowed to fight back. It holds out a gong to stop the charging Wile E. and the impact sends him back to his own country. It’s where he belongs. One of the many things I wish I had.

Favorite Part: Wile E. sets up a phony “Beep” Show that is really just a gun. Hilariously, the bird is easily lured in and really seems to be enjoying himself. I miss being able to do that.

Personal Rating: 3. 4 for the harem bit.

I apologize if you found today’s post annoying or in bad taste. Cracking wise about what’s wrong with me helps calm down. I’ll be fine for another year at least.

*I liked “Blogger Beware”. I wish I could say it was an influence on me, but I only discovered it after ceased updates, and I was already doing this by then.

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Johnny Smith and Poker-huntas

“Oh, agony!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on October 22, 1938.

I must be honest: I’m no expert on any people the title might or might not be parodying. I don’t think I even knew Pocahontas wasn’t a fictional character until I was at least ten. With all of that said, they aren’t animals, so I can’t tell you what actually happened. We cool?

A toast to the descendants of the Mayflower. All over-seven-nonillion of them. You see, it’s funny because I don’t think that many humans have even existed on planet Earth. I knew Fred Avery was capable of visiting the far future. Because I have photo evidence of him attending my sweet 16. No, you can’t see it.

There are pilgrims crossing the sea to reach America. Their captain is one Johnny Smith, but his bosses get to call him Egghead. He’s pretty proud of himself, because he’s in the process of making history and will be in books on the subject. Whether or not that is something to be proud of all depends with what you do with your life.

They’re not just making this voyage for religious reasons. America is quite the developed place by 1620. The local populace lives in teepees, yes, but they have motor vehicles, barber shops, and jokes based on stereotyping. What do they even need white men for? (But for real, the donkey with her own papoose is adorable. Babies are always cuter when you stuff them into something.)

The natives see the approaching ships, and notify their chief, No squat no stoop no squint. Quite the mouthful, that. How about changing your name to three nose? Less cruel than four eyes, right? (Yes, I did see part of his phone disappear. They truly are savages!) They’re ready to intercept their visitors. At least, let’s hope they’re just visitors.

Johnny and the crew stalk the forest with guns. It’s just for protection, really! You can’t be too careful when there are scalpers about. You seen the price of their tickets? The monetary cost is phenomenal, but you’ll lose your soul in the process. And that’s no good. Good thing Johnny is one of them! Alas, even if they share the same side-hustle, they will never be brothers. The chief gives chase, but this is a short film here! Gotta think of the feature film! A title card asks Johnny if it’s okay to cut the chase part out, and he’s cool with it. They were never going to catch him anyway.

So after they catch him, the jeering section demands he get the axe. (I’ll have to remember that one.) Even Johnny reminding them of his historical significance doesn’t sway them. And what was the point in evolving a line on the neck detailing where to put the killing blow if nobody is ever gonna use it? Can anyone save him? How about the second half of the title? She’s running out of appearance time.

Not to worry. She’s heard everything on the radio and drives out to save the guy. As is befitting of women drivers, she runs over the executioners. (I’m actually amazed they didn’t use a joke like that. Would that have just tipped the good taste scale too far?) They stop for a photo, and flee. As is befitting of executioners, they give them a ten-second head start. It’s all part of the fun, and they find this some fun indeed. They unanimously decide to keep doing it.

One of these days, they’ll give up the head start nonsense, and that’s when they’ll finally catch their escaped victims. It is not one of those days, yet. The runaways get back to the Mayflower, and escape to open waters, where there is no law. Finally, they share their first kiss. And after their marriage, they settled down in a nice house… somewhere, I’m sure. They read “The last of the Mohicans”, but they of all people know that isn’t true. You remember that creepypasta where Egghead was a character on “Baby Looney Tunes”? Well, you’re gonna hate me for this, but… I found the source!

Favorite Part: Poker starts to tell us that we don’t have to worry about their capture, because they’re getting away on a ship. Johnny chastises her for spoilers. I’m now remembering all the let’s play’s I’ve seen where the half of the duo playing wouldn’t let the blind half discover things. I’ll be wanting their apologies.

Personal Rating: 2. There is a bountiful feast of classic Avery goodness to go round, but the cultural appropriation makes it a bit harder to swallow these days. If you don’t have guilt over such jokes, enjoy your 3.

P.S. Since last week, I’ve seen a poor quality version of the “Coyote Vs Acme” trailer. Probably wasn’t supposed to have done that, but a reference to Michael Maltese and Chuck Jones? The 1812 overture? The return of Pete Lorry? I am not at all ashamed of what I did. I need Fred to loan me that time machine.

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The Henpecked Duck

“Say, is there a magician in the house?”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by John Carey; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on August 30, 1941.

Everybody wants a divorce these days! It’s almost as if romance was a myth all along. I mean, I’ve had my suspicions, but this isn’t about me. The proceedings take place in the court of inhuman relations. Naturally, I’d expect no fairer judge than Porky. Anything he declares just, I do. First case: the duck family. Daffy approaches as miserable as one can be. This must be some screw-up for him to take things this seriously. The maybe soon to be ex-Mrs. approaches determinedly. She really wants that divorce!

Porky asks that she explain why she’d want to part with such a catch. Sure, he’s a bit… or rather he is Daffy, but it’s not like he’d be abusive. Please elaborate. This began when she was going to visit her mother. She and her husband were expecting their first child, so Daffy was going to be incubating them. It already seems like things weren’t working out in Daffy’s favor. Mrs. Duck threatens him bodily harm, doubts his ability to stay focused, and the brow-beaten guy can only reply with a quiet “Yes, m’love.”

Until she’s out of the house and he feels like he can act how he really feels. Mockingly repeating his latest catchphrase and making faces. Revealing she was still within earshot, he returns to the nest on his best behavior. Yeah, I think the poor dear needs to escape such a shrewish wench. Just because we’re guys doesn’t mean the marriage always fails because of us! The flashback keeps going, so I guess Daffy told her this part. Given what we’ve seen, I’m surprised she isn’t trying to embellish it more in her favor. “Yes, Daffy starting to abort our duckling via anvil. Also, he was giving cigarettes to minors.”

Well, Daffy by name also means daffy by nature. It wasn’t long before he was bored of sitting still and starting playing around with the egg. He smashes it between his palms, but there’s no trace of shell, albumen or embryo. It’s disappeared! Then with some awesome magic words: “Hocus-pocus, flippity flam, a-razzamatazz and alakazam!”, the egg reappears without a scratch on it! Look at Daffy’s reaction! Even he is amazed that this worked. Then he… steps out of the scene? Is that right? He clearly steps down onto… nothing. Is it suggesting he came out of the picture to entertain on stage? What am I missing? I just want my life to be complete!

Well, if you can do something once, logic says you can do it again. (I’ve actually died half a dozen times. You just haven’t noticed.) Nope! No dice! That egg is gone! Trapped in the space between spaces. What a place to be born! If that’s even a possibility, of course. Daffy panics. Sure, the wife won’t be pleased, but that was his child too! Over and over, he repeats his chant, saying ‘alakazam’ so much that you could mistake him for a Pokemon, but he gets no results. And time isn’t feeling particularly kind today. It continues to keep moving forward. Time is mean and I don’t like it.

Oh, crap! Look who is actually returning! I was sure she was having a beautiful rest, and deciding she’d never go back to her nest. Daffy needs an egg to fool her, but the closest thing available is a doorknob. As long as it stays pointed down, she’ll never be able to tell. Duck eggs are always as cold as a brass monkey! Where did you think the phrase ‘cold duck’ came from? It rolls over just as he’s sitting, and mama catches on very fast. That brings us to today. Now, I can take her side.

Daffy pleads with Porky to give him just one more chance. I don’t think I’ve made my feelings on Porky clear enough in the fourteen years I’ve been doing this. *ahem* PORKY IS SUCH A STAND UP GUY THAT HE IS WILLING TO LET THE PHSYCOPATH HAVE ANOTHER SHOT AT WHAT HE FAILED TO DO HALF A BILLION TIMES!!! BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN HIM AND WANTS TO SEE TRUE LOVE PREVAIL!!!! ALSO, HE’D SHARE HIS LUNCH WITH YOU!!!

I’m cool. Listen to me. Anyway, Daffy gives it one final shot, but this time he adds a little something: a prayer. And that was the missing ingredient. Of course! God forsakes all magic that does not come from him, and was waiting to be asked for forgiveness! (My sister just became a missionary. Hats off to her, if you please.) The couple makes up, and the egg hatches. All is beautiful, all is well.

Favorite Part: When Daffy sits on the pointy-side up doorknob, he makes a face. A face that says he didn’t know he was about to be goosed.

But that doesn’t mean he minded.

Personal Rating: 3

And of all the years to not be invited to San Diego Comic-con as a guest! I can’t believe I missed out on seeing the reveal trailer of “Coyote Vs Acme”! Me! The Internet’s looniest fan! I’m that. Believe me. If I don’t see that footage by next week, I’ll… I’ll… Gosh. What will I do?

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Freddie the Freshman

“Hi-ho everybody, hi-ho!”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Paul Smith. A Merrie Melody released on February 20, 1932.

Who’s the freshest kid in town? Don’t be so sure you know if you’ve already read the title and watched the cartoon. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s Freddie the Freshman, that’s who! Unless you’re a fish, I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. But maybe they just mean his dance moves? Or his breath? How about his car? I want a car that can piece itself back together when it breaks into pieces. I can see it now! (Because my eyes are open.)

So, now we know who Freddie is, but where is he going? To a party of course! That’s where all the fresh men go. They’ve got music, and dancing, ladies and guys; I really can’t remember the last black and white cartoon that showed an actual bull. And I think the lady dog is Gigi before she met Goopy. Freddie pulls up, has a stroke, (No really. Was that intentional?) and his car finally puts itself out of its misery. I’m sure as a spoiled yuppie, Freddie already has a new one in the mail. (Or maybe not. But he looks yuppie-esh.)

The party can really get going now, since everybody knows Freddie and loves Freddie and secretly wishes they were Freddie regardless of who they are now. Gotcha! Hugh Heifer doesn’t think much of him. Because there’s always got to be one person who is insecure about themselves and is envious of the people they aren’t. But that doesn’t matter because Freddie has Mickey clone #53, the most blatant one yet, on his side. (Why do all these mice like hanging out in cuspidors?)

Freddie has all the confidence that they will win the game tomorrow. Hugh disagrees. What do you think? Is it just because he’s on the opposing team? Or cuz he also wants Freddie to fail at something? (Should he even be allowed at this party?) DAY OF THE GAME! Everybody is here! If they’re not here, then they’re nobody. Simple logic, really. And we get an early version of the “cat eating” gag (sadly not a “cat-eating” gag,) from “Goopy Geer.” They really trimmed it down by then, as it originally had a 4th cat who licks his lips. On the better side, at least there’s no chewing with the mouth open. That’s always gross, no matter how little of the color spectrum is used.

The name of the game is American football. There’s the kickoff, and Freddie’s teammate, Porgie the Porkman catches it in his belly. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s only because he has unwittingly committed cannibalism. Freddie kicks the ball back out and makes a play that Bosko will steal someday. This game is more exciting though, as the players have to navigate ponds on the field. Freddie paddles along, but the duck opponent has an advantage and gets the ball past the goal.

Now, because you’ve been bad, you get two jokes that aged poorly right in a row. If the big-beaked parrots being jewish doesn’t offend you, how about the over-the-top gay cock? Wow. Freddie, forget the game’s score, your picture just lost a point itself. Take it up with the rule book. It clearly states that as time goes on, any joke that makes fun of groups of people will be considered mean and wrong. I didn’t write that rule. I kinda miss the days when a man in drag was considered a joke and nothing more. And fat shaming. Fat shaming was fun. (You’ve read the blog rules right? “Don’t take me seriously.”?

When Freddie gets the ball again, he’s got the entire opposing team chasing him. I think. The shot shows them running towards him head on, but they don’t meet up. Freddie has a brilliant idea though. A fresh one! He rolls a fence into a loop, and hamster-wheels his way through the opposition. Hugh tries to stop grab him while Freddie traverses the underwear on the clothesline part of the field, but the title song is getting another go. Freddie’s win was inevitable after that.

Favorite Part: Blowing raspberries is gross, childish, and just too raunchy for sensitive folks. Having Hugh say “Raspberries.” is funny if I get to say so myself. I do? Thanks!

Personal Rating: 2. I told ya it dropped a point. Sucks, but the rules are iron-clad.

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Lickety-Splat

‘ Again ‘

I believe that is the proper term.

Written and Directed by Chuck Jones; Co-Directed by Abe Levitow; Animation by Richard Thompson, Bob Bransford, Tom Ray, and Ken Harris; Layouts by Maurice Noble; Assistant Layout: Corny Cole; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard and Bob Singer; Effects Animation by Harry Love; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on June 3, 1961.

A quick thank you to all my readers in Germany. You’re giving more hits than my homeland.

The guy doing the “Latin” captions had the day off, so Wile E. provides. He looks smug, and since he can keep pace with the Road Runner better than I can, he’s got reason to be. But just wait until the bird puts on a speed boost. So fast, that he appears to not appear. The roads curl up behind him, tunnels get pulled inside-out, and bridges scrunch up after him. That’s the moment Wile E. decides he’s done enough running. He’s got better ideas! And rather than the overused light bulb over the head, his eyes become the bulbs. I like creativity!

Acme does it again! Skates are no longer the only winter gear that gets a “roller” variety. Introducing Roller skis! Want to ski in the future when snow no longer exists? Now you can, and you’ll look sexy doing it. Also available: roller luge, roller ice fishing poles, and roller balls. (That’s supposed to be a play on snowballs.) They look plenty fun to me. Turning is nonexistent, though. Wile. E. goes over a cliff, and ends up embedded into a different one’s face. Stuck in the exact middle too. Too high to drop, too low to climb. But the bird is at the top! What’s the super genius way to solve this?

Obviously: you use the skis as a makeshift diving board. Each bounce flings you higher, but remember: doing this too much will make the wood splinter. Don’t attempt more than five times. The warranty won’t cover that. Wile E. is having no luck in getting close enough, so the super genius method is to send something else out, and collect the carcass. Paper airplanes can be thrown, but they are flimsy and weak. Even if they came into contact, what would they accomplish? Paper cuts only happen at the most inopportune times.

The solution: T.N.T. airplanes. Yeah, now we’re talking. That’s a man’s toy! (But a coyote’s weapon.) They’ve even got needles on them so they will guarantee stick to whatever you want to blow up. The only limit is your imagination! And poor aim. Wile E. takes to a balloon to unleash his flock. Wait… Ralph Wolf? What are you doing here? This isn’t your picture! Wait. Wile E. just had white eyes there. Yeah, I knew it all along. You’re pretty impressed, I bet.

The weapons are unleashed and fly. Since Wile E. didn’t throw them, they’re left to the mercy of wind and gravity. Oops. The last one ends up stuck in his balloon. After the explosion, Wile E. plummets. Always the super genius, he brought along a parachute. The second to last airplane takes that one out. His next two attempts are with a sledge hammer and a boomerang, but they end up getting darted as well. Should’ve seen this coming. “Dart” and “Drat” are anagrams.

The final plan is to drop an anvil on the R.R. Before he can, another airplane gets embedded in the crag Wile E. is standing on. And after that explosion, another two are stuck in the chunk he’s left with. He tries jumping back to the bigger slab, but it’s still not attached to anything, so he falls with it. He makes sure to at least keep the anvil under him so he won’t be squashed. He ends up neck-deep buried in the street. And then the smaller slab falls on him. He gets a bit of a break though. These airplanes don’t blow up, but just unfurl into “The” and “End”. (Eugh. I don’t like Wile E.’s laugh.)

Favorite Part: The first reappearance of the airplane. It’s unexpected, so the laughter hits harder.

Personal Rating: 3. It’s close though! See, after the second airplane encore, we start to expect another one. And jokes you expect are never as funny as the one’s you don’t see coming. Maybe you disagree and will clamor for a four. We can still be friends.

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Bone, Sweet bone

“Where’s my dinosaur vertebrae?”

Good old Shep.

Directed by Arthur Davis; Animation by Don Williams, Emery Hawkins, Basil Davidovich, and J.C. Melendez; Story by William Scott and Lloyd Turner; Layouts by Don Smith; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc. A Merrie Melody released on May 22, 1948.

The local museum has some great fossil exhibits on display. Just now, one of the employees is putting together the latest specimen: a carnivorous sauropod. Man, there are so many secrets that the past continues to yield. What could be next? Jurassic cattle? Triassic chiropterans? Cambrian cetaceans? We’ll never know everything. Join me in being sad. Misery loves company, they say.

The scientist looks to be part of the Fudd family tree. But he sounds like a perpetually whiny Bugs. I kinda want to kick him. Okay, you got me. I really want to kick him. Of course, maybe he’d sound a little less brow-beaten if his bones weren’t constantly snatched away. Shep, a little dog, is the culprit. I don’t know if this is “Take your animal to work day.” (My favorite non-existent day.) or if the guy is even Shep’s dad. But you’re a man of science, you should know better than to let a dog have access to meat bones. I was lying when I called them fossils because it attracts patrons.

The man find his last piece missing, and Shep admits to the theft. He leads back to his burying place, but its already been dug up by a bulldog who’s on his way. The scientist demands Shep get it back because… he hates Shep? I don’t see why you can’t make an attempt, aside from the plot demanding you stay out of this. And if Shep doesn’t comply? The man plans on putting HIS bones on display. That’s gruesome! You better not be his dad, or I’m taking him away from you.

Shep likes his bones where they are, thank you, and sets out on the quest. Once he’s gone, the professor finds the missing bone in his pocket. Huh. Would’ve figured that would be the final punchline. Crisis averted, he tries to call Shep back, but ultimately decides exercise is good for dogs and doesn’t bother. So… the tension’s gone right? Why should I care if Shep gets the other bone back? And why did he say he took it? Did he just think he did? Why would the man have a spare bone on him? Do you always bring one to work?

Shep sneaks into the bulldog’s yard as quiet as a louse. Too bad he can’t change the color of more than his nose, or he could be as loud as he wants AND invisible. Utilizing cotton and lullabies, he keeps bullsy from waking and takes the bone back. He’s caught before he can make his escape and is kicked like an American football out of the yard. He next tries digging under the ground, grabbing the bone that way. Again, the bulldog catches on. He swipes the bone back, then baseball bats Shep out again.

The only altitude left is the one at telephone line-level. Shep sneaks over and opts to Mary Poppins his way down via umbrella. Operating by Toon logic, that is, whatever is funniest, it operates by real world logic and he drops like a stone.  (Mary Pop-rocks.) Be the ball, Shep. You haven’t tried basketball yet. Only two more and you can be the O.G. Airbud. Nah, he’s got more self-respect than that. He’s going to try the “brains” method.

He makes a large bone out of plaster, and stuffs it with T.N.T. Then, he walks in front of his adversary with what looks like an awesome prize. Amazingly, the other dog is willing to trade. (Or he is just trying to keep Shep from realizing he switched the two, but I like my answers more than correct ones.) The explosion doesn’t hinder him much, and he rockets after the thief. Shep hastily nails some boards over the gap in the fence, but the bulldog knows all the tricks of his yard. Like how the fence is basically just one big door anybody can easily open.

Shep flees back into the yard and retries the strategy on the other side. The bulldog is surprised he didn’t learn this old trick, as he’s clearly a new dog. He runs after, not noticing Shep also built a brick wall. Bricks and mortar are always more powerful than gunpowder. Always. I said al-ways, understand? Shep even puts a lily in the bigger dog’s paws to prove he died. Shep finally brings the bone back to the museum. The scientist finally reveals the truth: Shep got boned. The poor dog learns to speak, just so he can tell us that yeah, he’s a smidgen upset about the whole thing.

Favorite Part: The bulldog inexplicably having corresponding outfits to the sporty ways he evicts the intruder. Dogs are always cute when dressed up. Always. (Etc.)

Personal Rating: 2. No, really, guys. Why reveal the twist so early? Instead of hoping Shep will atone for a mistake, we just end up feeling bad that he’s getting beat up. I mean, yeah, he got back a bone that I guess was rightfully is, but if that bulldog ever comes back to life, he’s coming for Shep’s head. If he doesn’t, Shep still has canine blood on his paws.