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Polar Pals

“♬Singin’ in the ba-bath-t-tu-shower!♬”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by John Carey; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1939.

I bet you didn’t know that Porky once lived at the north pole! The place is so cold, that his alarm clock wears mittens on its hands. After ringing, we see that his polar bear fur covered bed is still alive. Porky doesn’t kill animals, they love him enough to sleep with him. (His heart still belongs to Petunia though, if that picture on his wall is any indication.) After a quick shower, (Yeah, Porky flashes the camera, but he’s already taken. So back away from the screen, girls.) he puts on his clothes and heads outside to join his (polar) pals.

Porky is so loved that some penguins came from all the way on the other side of the globe to hang out with him. That’s the most likely explanation, considering after letters, numbers, and colors, the next thing we teach kids is that penguins and polar bears live at opposite poles! All of the natural wildlife love him! But how do these creatures manage to survive sub-zero temperatures? Simple! They rub noses! The love keeps them warm. (Does the term “Eskimo Kiss” even exist anymore? I’ve always known it, but nowadays no one else seems to.) All the animals live in harmony because of this rule. Except for the penguin who pops a walrus’ nose with its beak. (Friendly though this place may be, it looks a little too cold for me. My idea of winter is turning the air conditioner on in summer.)

There’s danger out there, though. A fur trapper named I. Killem, (I for Ichabod obviously) has his sights set on the creatures. All he can see is fur coats with price tags attached. He fires and the animals try to flee. But he is a pretty good marksmen and manages to get some targets. A penguin loses its shadow to the bullets, and a drunken walrus claims to be fine. (A drink is all it takes to prove that notion wrong.) Killem even mows down penguins like bowling peng-pins. A couple of animals try to take him on with guns of their own. (Porky has trained them well.) But this just gives Killem a group target to aim for, turning them into mounted heads and rugs.

Porky does his best to defend his pals. (Little known fact: Porky started Greenpeace.) His gun may not have the same rapid rate, but it is up to the task. While Killem ducks behind a snowbank, Porky keeps firing at the snow behind him. He chisels out a mallet which clobbers the hunter. Deciding to leave, he finds he can’t as Porky also sunk his ship. So he decides to steal the kayak he just found. Unfortunately for him, he finds it is actually a whale. Finding a blockage in its blowhole, it “blows its nose” and launches Killem away from them all. Porky is so happy that he jumps up and down. This causes him to fall through the ice and freeze solid. Living here is swell, huh?

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky at the Crocadero

“Today… you are a ham!”

Porky, from the north woods.

Supervision by Frank Tashlin; Story by Lew Landsman; Animation by Volney White; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1938.

No relation to the also awesome “Quasi at the Quackadero.” (Wish that was a Looney Tune, so I could blog about it) The Crocadero in question is based on the “Trocadero Ballroom.” Porky is outside and excited to see that many conductors are scheduled to be performing that night. It’s Porky’s dream to be a conductor! (Isn’t a conductor what you do when you can’t play an instrument? Like how a coach can’t play a sport and someone who can’t draw blogs about animation?)

His heroes include Leopold Stokowski, Rudy Vallee, and Benny Goodman. He idolizes them so much, he imitates them all. But there is one thing to dampen his glee: It’s $25.00 for a plate at this place. (Fifty cents more gets you food on the plate.) Porky can’t afford that, so he slumps off. But God is on his side, as Porky finds that the club is hiring and he rushes in. He gets the job because why wouldn’t he? And he begins washing the dishes. His boss is some sort of aquatic mammal. (I’d like to say walrus, but he has too much neck and no tusks, so maybe he’s a sea otter.)

He tells Porky to get his work done, and he just might be able to watch the music as a reward. But there’s a fly in the ointment. Actually, in the kitchen. Porky tries to get it which results in him breaking many dishes. He is fired. (And I begin sharpening my aquatic mammals carving knife.) But God is still on Porky’s side as there are no conductors for the eager crowd and the boss has received a telegram saying that they won’t make it. The boss has a good idea! Get Porky back! His fly swatting did look an awful lot like conducting. He heads out to get him back “Schnell!” (Which, a randomly appearing narrator tells us, means “fast.”)

He catches up to the pig and brings him back. Of course, since the crowd is expecting other people, Porky will have to be in several disguises. Good thing he takes to impersonating his heroes so much! He acts as Paul Whiteman (with some added gut) and gets some jazz going. A penguin waiter (there is no other kind in cartoons) has his drink stolen by a trombone player, and some lesbian kangaroos dance. (They both have pouches!) As Guy Lumbago (Guy Lambardo) Porky has his “Boiled Kanadians” sing “Summer Nights” rather shakily. (The audience dances to the beat.) And as Cob Howlaway (Cab Calloway) Porky puts on some blackface. Which… actually doesn’t look too racist here. Maybe it’s just because I’m a Porky worshiping fanboy, but he looks pretty tame. The lips aren’t too exaggerated and it’s always fun to see Cab referenced. Good work Porky!

He sings Chinatown (even dressing up as a Chinese Stereotype at one point. Less charming.) while the band plays along. A turtle makes his body a banjo, a rabbit plays two pianos at once, (with his paws and ears) and a goat plays his beard when his violin breaks. The penguin waiter meanwhile, (who has been having his drinks stolen throughout the whole time) finally one ups the thief by drinking the drink himself.

Personal Rating: 3 (Unless you really know old conductors. Then it’s a 4.)

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I’ve Got to Sing a Torch Song

“One, two, one two. Breathe Deeply!”

Supervision by Tom Palmer; Animation by Jack King; Music by Bernard Brown and Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released in 1933.

Once upon a time, there was an invention called the radio. It was THE form of entertainment back in the day. In fact, entire families would do their aerobics in front of it. While others got their exercise in more creative ways like tightening their wife’s girdles or rocking their children to sleep. But there was more than just exercise programs on the radio. Here, many singers who are legends today, got their starts on the radio. Like Cros Bingsby who would sing in the tub to the delight of women everywhere. (This was how many people “viewed” porn before the internet.)

And the radio wasn’t only popular in America. Wherever there were people, there were radios. In Shanghai, the police listened to it to be aware of any crimes being committed. (And tying it into a knot if it disturbed their naps.) Cannibals would tune in to listen to recipes about how to prepare celebrity soup. And even up in the frozen north, the Inuits listen to it while they fished. If they caught a whale by accident, their radio could become lodged in the creature’s blowhole. (They didn’t seem to mind though.) The radio was so popular that people would rather listen to it, than watch scantily clad women dance in front of them!

The title of this post was the name of a song that was sung by many female celebrities at the time, like Greta Garbo and Mae West. Even Lady Liberty couldn’t help but join in. Finally, the time was even told by a man who looked an awful lot like Ed Wynn. But I guess this was when he was much younger as he doesn’t even SOUND like Ed Wynn. Or maybe it could be his father? The entire family looks exactly the same.

Personal Rating: 2

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Milk and Money

“Things l-look p-p-pretty d-dark, son.”

Gotta get dough for this dodo.

Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Charles Jones and Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.

Porky and his dad own a farm. Porky and his dad are both being voiced by Joe Dougherty instead of Mel. No disrespect to Joe, but it really sounds like his stutter is hurting him. I hope he had a nice life after Mel improved upon his performance in every way possible. Things tend to be pretty slow here, and I mean that literally. The horse plods along at a sloth’s pace. Things only really pick up thanks to Hank. He’s a horsefly. (And he looks just like one too! What do you mean, they have six limbs and don’t have horse heads? After last week’s post, I’m just happy to see an insect with the correct number of wings.)

Hank is “hank”ering for a bite of horse butt. (Logic dictates that the horse be named Henry.) Once bitten, Henry tears around the farm and finishes the plowing. But bigger problems are on the way. A one Mr. Viper by name has come to tell them that the farm is being foreclosed unless they can give him the money they owe by tomorrow. He confides to us that he doesn’t think they can do it, before literally slithering back to his horse. (I’ll take that bet.) Porky Sr. is despondent, but Porky offers to go the city and get the money, because he is just such a good boy.

He heads to the “Fuller Water Milk Co.” and applies for a milkman position. Because this is Porky we’re talking about, he is hired right away. However, he is warned that he is not to break one bottle or he will have to be fired. Hank meanwhile, is not happy to find his primary food source is gone. The horse was at least kind enough to leave a note saying where he went, so Hank follows. In the city, Porky is cheerfully making his round unaware of the cats that are stealing his wares. You may think there are two of them, but there is an endless supply. You see, I traveled back in time and am just off screen snapping their necks one by one. Why don’t I try and help my pal? Because that would change the future for the worse. (The last time I did that, Donald Trump ended up as president.)

Hank manages to catch up to the two and gives Henry another bite. The horse runs into a post and breaks up the remainder of the bottles. (Must resist urge to kill Hank! Must…resist…) Heading home, Henry is attracted to some oats at a racetrack and heads in. Good thing it was an empty stall, as no one is there to tell Porky that he’s not supposed to be part of this race. Turns out the prize is $10,000.00 and there’s no joke about not getting all of it this time. If only his horse was a bit faster. Where’s a horsefly when you need one?

Not to worry, Hank has room for seconds and another bite sends Henry around the track so fast, he wins first place. Come the next day, Mr. Viper is gleefully watching the last minute tick by. Where is Porky? He’s coming. He took a little extra time to spend some prize money on a limo for him and Henry. (Even Hank gets a cute little chair.) Porky pays the snake-man his due and although angry, he is at least civil enough to thank the pig. Hank then redeems himself to me by giving Viper a bite. The rich horseflies don’t settle for horse meat.

Personal Rating: 3

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Eatin’ on the Cuff or the Moth who came to Dinner

“♪ Here comes the groom, straight as a broom. All purtied up with ten cent perfume.♪”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Virgil Ross; Story by Warren Foster; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1942. (This is Clampett’s last B/W short.)

This short is sung to us by Leo White. (Well, he’s providing the lip movements. It’s Mel doing the actual lines. It’s always Mel.) I’ve heard this is Clampett’s answer to the Disney short “The Moth and the Flame” seeing as how he liked doing a parody of Disney every now and again. It’s also considered one of the top 100 Looney Tunes. Since the plot is in rhyme though…

“Oh, walk with me to the altar.” Said a moth to a honeybee.

“And a happier insect, you shall never, I mean ever, see!”

(Though by all biologic logic, this won’t work, don’t try.)

She loves the Moth and so agrees to give marriage a try.

I like this moth; (whose voice has got that squeaky Mel Blanc style)

I’ll name him Bucky due to his cute little buck toothed smile.

The day of his wedding arrives. (To the bee that I’ll name Rose.)

And as a cartoon moth, his diet’s naught but human clothes.

While passing by a bar, he notes a ton of “pre-war cuffs”.

And though a stop could make him late, he goes to try the stuff.

Now plump and fat, he a’slumps back, to rest his tired nipper.

(He liked the food, but could have done and gone without the zipper.)

But time has passed, and now alas, where is his dear bee bride?

Sitting alone, on steps (alone) and yes, ALONE, she cried.

Seeing the time, he tries his best to take off and head down.

But it seems that this here bar, is part of the wrong town.

Though he may be a fly…er, moth to complex human eyes,

To arthropods of female types I guess he’s quite a prize.

For this moth, who’s sloshed inside, with what he’d call hard cider,

(A tad bit forced, but still) he’s spotted by a hungry spider.

Man-hungry to be precise. A black widow, is she.

Disguised as Veronica Lake, so that her prey won’t flee.

But her nose is quite the turn-off and he’s (a soon) to be married man!

And I guess he’s still too full to fly, since running is his plan.

She trips into a bowl of punch. Time for a trick! This dame

exploits his biggest weakness: he can not resist a flame.

Now gotten what she wanted from a husband hunt and chase,

She lacks eight limbs. Er, no, I mean, she goes back to her place.

Rose heads home too, awash in tears. Wait! That’s her “honey’s” yelp!

And making like a “Bee 19” she flies on in to help.

She brandishes her stinger, and then- wait a minute… what?

What is that that’s now sticking out of the spider’s butt?

Why does she have a stinger too? Tell me, Clampett. Why?

I know it’s a cartoon, but still, it’s such a stupid lie!

We will all ignore that. And the moth’s lack of four wings.

Rose wins of course, because she gives the spidery broad a sting.

“My hero.” says she. “Tweren’t nothing” says he. (Yeah, that’s true. He’s right.

He was hiding under a table, while the ladies had their fight.)

And so they moved into a vest to live happ’ly ever after.

Won’t be long; they’re insects! *Cue uncomfortable laughter*

So Leo ends his story ( and I end my rhyme) but he can’t help but confide to us that he has no idea what that bee saw in that moth. She is cute and sexy and benefits the environment, whereas Bucky is a dope. The moth responds by showing how tough he can really be, and eats Leo’s pants.

Personal Rating: 4

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Alpine Antics

“I’ll show that big stiff!”

Porky hasn’t got a hat.

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Riley Thompson and Jack Carr; Music by Norman Spencer. Released in 1936.

Tomorrow is my sixth anniversary of starting this blog! And that means another update that any competent blogger would have started doing on day one! I think from next time onward, I’ll start listing whether or not the short discussed was a “Looney Tune” or “Merrie Melody”. That’ll make people want to visit!

Our short begins with a shot of many characters having winter fun. (If they’re having any fun outside at all, they’re not doing it right.) Skiers ski on the horizon, and some snowmen sing to us. Unfortunately for them, they dance in front of a campfire and melt to death. (Dying snowmen always make me feel warm inside.) One guy takes some boiling water and pours it in a hole in a lake to make his own hot tub. He freezes solid.

Beans the cat is having a good time with his girlfriend, Kitty. He sees a sign telling of a downhill skiing race with $100,000 in cash prizes. Or a cool $2.00. (It was the depression.) But a big bully with a Billy Bletcher laugh. (Hereafter known as Bully Bletcher) breaks Bean’s skis so there will be one less competitor. But little did he know that Beans is the kind of guy who would dismantle his girlfriend’s sled to get more skis. (In his defense, she seems okay with it.)

They take their places at the starting line. Bully is not happy to see Beans again and attaches a firecracker to the cat’s skis. Lighting it, causes Beans to fly backwards and give everyone else a head start. The other competitors are: Porky on a rocking horse, a guy whose skis are pedal powered, (cheater) someone who has a sail and bellows, and a duck on a dachshund. Bully takes the lead and holds out a trip wire. This gets rid of nearly everyone. (Don’t worry Porky, you’re a winner to me.) When Beans crosses it, he doesn’t trip, but instead the wire wraps around Bully. This doesn’t hold him for long though. He continues on with the Double D team, (the dog and duck, remember?) behind him.

Beans jumps a gap, but doesn’t quite make it, getting himself stuck in the cliff side. Bully makes it, no problem. The other two go down the slope and back up, knocking Beans loose and getting him back in the race and bumping themselves to second. They soon go on to take first, but don’t look where they’re going and crash. This just leaves the two B’s. (Bully and Beans remember?) It looks like Bully is going to win, but he crashes into the ground and ends up underwater. (The finish line is on a frozen lake then?) This gives Beans the advantage and he wins! Before he can celebrate too much though, Bully pokes his head through the ice, tripping Beans, and causing him to fall into the drink too.

Personal Rating: 2

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The remaining Mr. Hook shorts

In my first year of doing this blog, I made a small post about one of this guy’s shorts. Since I barely said a dang thing about him, I’ll give you a quick rundown. Much like Snafu was made for the military, Hook was made for the navy. (Well, his first short was shown in theaters, but it was made by Walter Lantz studios, so we’re not talking about it.) Unfortunately, Hook wasn’t as interesting as Snafu. He was a goody-two shoes who was happy to follow the rules. And all three of his shorts were about buying war bonds. They’re still entertaining though. (Except for Hook’s annoying laugh. That’s his main character trait.) All three of them were released in 1945.

The Good Egg

“Now ain’t this cute!”

Hook is asleep on his ship. His bad side (personified in the classic cartoon way: a devil version of himself) finds his war bond. (He takes it to bed with him?) He tells the sailor to not waste his time with such things, but his good side disagrees. (What’s more, he flat out beats up the devilish side.) He then explains all the benefits of purchasing a bond. He even recommends purchasing more. After the war, he’ll have a nest egg that will make it possible for him to purchase new clothes and a nice house. A stork also pops up, but the good side says that it will come later.

Personal Rating: 1

Tokyo Woes

“I got a mess of hot platters for you today!”

This short begins with a Japanese radio show. Starring some of the most racist caricatures I’ve ever seen. Yeah, it was a different time, but they have way too many teeth! It creeps me out! Our hostess’ (whom we first see on a toilet) main focus is telling the world that bonds are useless. This angers our perfectly behaved protagonist. He’ll show her! He launches a missile her way, but surely someone as perfect as Hook would never actually kill anybody! (What do you think he’s in? A war?) The missile just unloads a sentient war bond. Good thing he has no moral compass! He hands her many bombs and hightails it out. The bombs explode and leave nothing but their hair, glasses, and grotesquely over-sized teeth.

Later, when the war is over, the same bond comes to Hook to make good of his promise. Granting him new clothes, a nice car, and a boob job. (I’m not joking.) The bond asks if there’s anything else he wants. Hook agrees that there is, but he can get it himself. We end with him being kissed by a woman. Money can’t buy love, you see.

Personal Rating: 1

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A couple more Private Snafu shorts: Coming Snafu/Gripes

Coming!! SNAFU

“This…is Snafu.”

Directed by Chuck Jones. Released in 1943.

It’s the first short with Snafu! The goofiest soldier in the army. He’ll walk right off a dock if he’s not paying attention. It’s really more of a trailer than anything else, but we are told of what we can expect from Snafu. (Who has freckles in this short and his voice is slightly different. Still Mel though.) You can find him in the infantry; tying his pack the wrong way, or in the air corp towing a plane to its location. But he thinks about a stripper the whole time and doesn’t notice all the trouble the plane is being dragged into. Don’t worry though, his imaginary girlfriend’s breasts are censored, as is her naval. (Was my brother a part of this?) Naturally, his actions land him in jail. We are told of some of his coming attractions before we end, like “Spies”, “The Goldbrick”, and also…

Personal Rating: 2. (It really is just a trailer, but it at least makes one garner interest.)

Gripes

“If I ran this army, boy, I’m telling you. I’d make a few changes. That’s just what I’d do.”

Directed by I. Freleng. Released in 1943.

Poor Snafu. He joined the army for fun and what does he end up doing? K.P. Specifically, scrubbing pans, peeling potatoes, and sweeping the floor. All at the same time! And there’s so many vaccinations. Even his tattoo is poked in the butt. He’s unhappy and wishes he could be in charge of things. Enter Technical Fairy First Class making his debut here. He uses his magic to promote Snafu to the highest position and Snafu couldn’t be happier. He spoils the men there and lets them have anything they want and lets them hang out with their girlfriends whenever they want. It’s a pretty nice life for awhile. But there is a war going on and the Axis is being a bit more serious. They are coming our way with bombs!

Snafu tries to rally his troops, but they don’t listen to him anymore and he is left to fend for himself. Since he can’t win, he digs a hole and hides himself, but the bombs are equipped with shovels and end up finding their target. Luckily for Snafu, it was all a dream. And luckily for America, he’s now happy to go back to his work.

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky’s Pooch

“Who in the w-world could that be?”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by I. Ellis; Story by Warren Foster; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1941.

Somewhat of a precursor to the cartoons with Charlie Dog. I don’t think this one is quite as great as those, but it’s enjoyable nonetheless.

A poor little dog (named Sandy but is a male) watches pancakes being made. The starving little fellow is hungry and is sadly, a non-anthropomorphic dog. (That chef is a dog. What a confusing world Toontown is.) He slumps away but meets an old friend of his. A dog named Rover. And he is sitting in a car because he is no longer a stray, he has a master! He tells Sandy how it happened. It was easy enough. He walked right into “Termite Terrace” apartments and headed up the top floor penthouses. (Just where I expected Porky to live.)

He tells the pig that they should be pet and master and gives him more kisses than I’ve ever seen him receive from Petunia. (But then, Porky doesn’t need to show me his make-out sessions with her.) Porky doesn’t want a dog (despite all the tricks he knows) and drops him down to the ground floor. He runs back to his place panting. But that’s not him panting. Rover is there and shows off his Carmen Miranda impression. When Porky throws him out again, Rover takes the hint and throws himself out. The window that is.

Except not really, he’s still on the edge. Porky shuts the window and ignores him. Rover tries to get his attention by pretending to lose his balance. When he really does lose it, he plummets. Porky runs to catch him but doesn’t. He cries and hugs the poor puppy who reveals he is fine. (If Porky can drop him and he’ll live, I don’t see why this would be much of a problem.) The short ends there, but from the way Porky is smiling, it’s pretty clear that it’s the start of a beautiful relationship. Too bad Rover dies or something. Why else would he never show up again? And that could be why Porky doesn’t want Charlie ever! He reminds him too much of his lost friend! I’m a genius!

Personal Rating: 3

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A Tale of Two Kitties

“HEY, BABBIT!”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Rod Scribner; Musical Direction by Carl W. stalling. Released in 1942.

This short was supposed to introduce the world to new characters who would be stars for Warner Bros. But someone else stole the spotlight. The two supposed stars are two kitties. (This is their tale.)

The taller one is named Babbit (Tedd Pierce) and the stout one is Catstello. (Mel) His name is never mentioned in the short, but come on. He’s a cat and if you have any idea who Abbot and Costello are, then you know who these two are based on and you’ve made the pun yourself. (That and the studio model sheets labeled him as such.) It’s time to eat and Babbit tells his comrade to go get a bird out of a nest so they can eat. Catstello is reluctant even after he’s told of how small it is. (I guess they’d each get a mouthful, but I have a feeling Babbit would hog it all.) Turns out hes got “Heightrophobia” and it takes a pin to his backside to finally get him up the ladder.

Scared sightless as his partner is, Babbit has to angrily demand that he gives him the bird. (Catstello laments that the Hayes office is what is keeping him from fulfilling that desire. I just didn’t know the term existed in the forties.) He makes a swipe at a sleeping bird but misses. This is the birthplace of Tweety. (Inspired by nude baby photos that Clampett’s mother had and he resented.) The ladder breaks and Catstello begs to be rescued from atop the remainging pole. So scared is he that he doesn’t notice Babbit saving him until he is in his arms.

For the next attempt, Babbit shoves his pal into a box against said pals protests. He’s also afraid of the dark. Babbit lets him out and the springs on his feet bounce him up to the nest. Here, our little baby Tweety (model sheets had him labeled as Orson) utters his first words: “I tawt I taw a putty tat.” Seeing as he did taw a putty tat, Tweety has no choice but to defend himself. And does he ever! Using an arsenal of guns, clubs and even TNT sticks, he continues to beat the crap out of the poor putty tat. Catstello cries over his failure while unbeknownst to him, he sits on an explosive. When Babbit detonates it he flies up towards the nest again. But he flies past it. (Tweety helps himself to Catstello’s apple. Or rather, the worm that was inside.)

When gravity kicks in, the cat falls and is able to cling onto a telephone wire. Tweety comes over to play “This ittle piddy.” A sequence that would be reused, essentially verbatim, in “Roger Rabbit“. Even down to Tweety resembling his old design.  The bird isn’t totally heartless, as he throws the cat a rope. It’s attached to an anvil, though. Said anvil crushes the cat into the ground and drags all the surroundings towards it. This includes Babbit and his victory garden. (I really like how concerned he sounds for his friend. Turns out he really does care.) The final attempt is launching Castello with wooden wings strapped on. Wouldn’t you know it, it works. (Human beings have been trying to fly for years, and it took a simpler mind to figure it out.)

Tweety calls the “fourt interceptor tommand” to report the disturbance and the cat is blasted out of the sky. He manages to avoid landing on a pitchfork in favor of his partner. (While they didn’t become the stars, they did appear in a couple more shorts after this. But they were mice. How humiliating.) Tweety is now on the ground and initiates a blackout. Seeing their chance, the two cats stalk their prey with faces that haunted my childhood.  Tweety doesn’t freak out, though. He yells at the two to turn out the lights like he told them too. Their glowing eyes instantly dim. (As does the moon.)

Personal Rating: 4