“Everything s-seems to happen to me.”
Supervision by Ben Hardaway and Cal Dalton; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by Gil Turner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on November 18, 1940.
It seems like a parade is passing through town, but Porky is ever the inquisitive type, so he won’t leave that possibility to chance. He joins the march to ask where they’re going and learns that this is a giant killing party. They’d normally send a tailor, but Porky’s name is in the title. He’s never killed a giant before, but he aims to ruin that perfect record. He’s coming along too, and I admit to feeling safer now. I’ll get a good night’s sleep knowing Porky is always looking out for me. He’s like God, but without all that “mysterious ways” bull.
But seriously, why do we want to kill the giant? Is he a bully? Or has he crushed somebody? Intentionally or not, that’s rather serious. Could it be that his mass is throwing the planet off its orbit and we’re doomed regardless but we’ll die happy knowing we made him bleed internally? No, his crime is even more despicable. He’s castle crashing. It’s never stated, but I’m kind of a smarty. The castle is not built with his scale in mind. This is no mistake on the background artists part; it was purposefully done. The giant has to sleep on various pieces of furniture. You don’t do that by choice.
Don’t be too mean, though. He may be a bad guy because our mob says so, but somebody loved him once. He’s a single parent, and a loving one too. Now me, I’m the type of oddity who thinks scorplings are adorable. With that said, his baby is ugly. But I’m not saying it to the kid’s face, so the figurative s.o.b. is nicer than the literal one. And come on now, any real parent doesn’t need the approval of guys they don’t know or like even like. If the parent thinks they have a cute kid, let them believe it.
The baby has just been put down for a nap and father tries to follow suit, but mobs aren’t designed for silence. Papa can tell there’s someone on the premises. He doesn’t sound too angry. Just a little annoyed that people are trespassing on property he called dibs on. Reminding us that mobs are cowards and wimps, everyone flees at his voice. Porky is stuck behind because they locked the door. Actually, how did the giant get in here? Crawling? You know, I think waiting for him to starve is a pretty sweet solution. Less effort is always awesome. That’s what the world’s been teaching most days.
Trapped with a monster in an enclosed space. Porky is like Theseus, but better. Pigs are always better. Even when a layering mix-up happens and Porky’s right leg appears to be superimposed on a pillar? Even then. Looking for a hiding place, Porky ends up in the baby’s cradle. Curious little creature, ain’t he? Instead of crying over being disturbed, he tries to grab Porky who switched to hiding underneath the cradle. Then he bites the kid’s hand. Gross, but awesome. Show him who’s boss!
It may have hurt, but sucking on the finger cures all. And exposes the baby to any diseases Porky might have been carrying. But that’s a long-term solution to this problem, so Porky has to babysit in the meanwhile. He plays games, gives bottles, and reminds the child that if he wasn’t an infant, Porky wouldn’t be showing mercy. Biting doesn’t count. All kids should get bitten by something before they turn five. Helps them realize that the world doesn’t care, life hurts, and I promised I wouldn’t talk like this again, didn’t I?
Now, do any longtime readers know what the worst aspect of children is? Do any longtime readers exist? Answers: 1. They are loud and not in a pleasant way. 2. If there are, they’re very shy. The kid will not shut up. Porky is able to calm him down by playing the baby’s piano and singing him the English alphabet. It’s a pretty catchy song disguised as a lesson. Why hasn’t anybody invented one for the numerical digits? Answer: 1. Because nobody really likes math. Anyone who says they do, are really just enjoying the fact they were able to conquer it.
As any good parent would, papa was attracted by his son’s cries. He’s pleased to see Porky entertaining his child and tries to get him to come talk. He doesn’t actually use words, and Porky is still afraid of him, so a chase through the castle begins. Porky ducks out a window, but the giant’s arms pull the same trick, leaving him stuck between the two. They make a grab, but Porky slips through the grasp and lands in the moat below. Too bad the panic is making him forget he’s a swim champion. Shore is just right there!
The giant appears and drinks the moat. With Porky high and dry – except he’s not really either, – the giant captures him. His plan? For Porky to sing him and his son to sleep. The downside is that he isn’t allowed to leave. Should’ve just talked when you had the chance, pal. You might have gotten paid. See you at visiting hours.
Favorite Part: Porky throwing a ball in the child’s face. I’m allowed to laugh because it happens after Porky tells the baby he won’t hurt him, and I’m pretty sure he was just trying to instigate a game of catch. That’s our loophole, your honor.
Personal Rating: 3. Some might argue it should be a two, but they don’t count.