Page Miss Glory

“Call for Miss Glory!”

Supervised by Tex Avery; Words and music by Warren & Dubin; Modern Art Conceived and Designed by Leodora Congdon. 3/C. A Merrie Melody released on March 7,  1936.

Another one of the 100 greatest. The oldest one in fact.

Hicksville is a pretty slow, country town. It’s the kind of place where one can’t open their mouth without a yawn jumping out. So, the slightest event will really catch the populace’s attention. In this case, a celebrity is coming to town. Her name is Miss Glory, and since this is such a big occasion, the entire town is pitching in to make the place worthy. She will be staying at the only hotel in the place, where the staff is also prettying up for her.

The bellhop is a young man named Abner. He is excited to be a part of everything and practices bellhop manners. Everything is ready, now all we need is the guest of honor. If the clock is to be believed, several days have passed without her showing. (Pft. Celebrities.) As the time passes, Abner sleeps and dreams. In his dreams, not only is he less ugly, (Getting some clothes that actually fit, a haircut, losing his ugly buck teeth) but the hotel becomes an art-deco place of beauty. And Miss Glory is here in Abner’s dreams too.

Being a bellhop, he is asked to page the titular woman. While we are treated to the title song, we do get some gags thrown in as well. After Abner stands on a guest’s train, it tears off of her. She rolls with it and does a fan dance. (If only she was 50 years younger, it would be okay to be turned on by this) Another highlight is the patron getting served a mountain of food, but only eating a bite of an olive.

Abner is not having much luck finding the woman, and things only get more complicated as the hotel announces that Glory is at the hotel. This attracts the attention of every single man in the place, who storms in her direction. Clogging the elevators, Abner is unable to follow and perform his duties. He does eventually get in one, but the operator heads out on his lunch break. Abner decides to send himself up, but due to coming from a world where hotels are not more than one story high, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and sends the elevator up and down at a high speed. Eventually popping out of the building, and landing him in front of a streetcar.

But that bell isn’t just part of a dream! It’s his boss! Miss Glory has finally arrived! (She must be a big deal. If the crowd is any indication, Clampett, Avery, Jones, and Melvin Millar have all shown up to catch a glimpse of her.) Abner prepares to do what he was meant to do, but the question remains: Is Glory as hot as he dreamed? Not unless you’re a pedophile. Miss is an appropriate title, as the woman in question is at max, six years old.

Porky’s Preview

Hi g-gang!

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1941.

Oh boy oh boy! Of all the Looney Tunes that don’t get their just recognition, this is at the top of that list. It’s the one I feel should have been on the list of the 100 greatest Looney tunes. (Replace “Acrobattty Bunny” or “The Stupor Salesman” with this masterpiece.) It’s so funny! It’s so creative! What else can I say but, watch it while you can! I found a clip! Hurry and view it before it’s too late!

 

 

Did you watch it? I’m still going to talk about it, so I really hope you viewed it first. It’s magical.

Porky has a show going on that all the animals are eagerly heading into. A hen takes her eggs, a kangaroo (another male one with a pouch. This short’s only shortcoming. But I do like that “Professor Porky” Poster behind him.) takes the tickets. (And one guy’s arm) And a firefly acts as an usher. A skunk would love to get in, but he can’t pay the 5 cent admission fee, as he only has one scent. (“Get it?”) As he walks off, he finds the exit. Seeing as how he read my ravings up there, he has no choice but to sneak in. (Considering he sounds just like Bugs, I can just picture him going “Ain’t I a stinker?” before heading in.) Porky gets on stage to address the audience. Even though, he’s still a boy in this short, he drew the whole cartoon by himself. (It wasn’t hard. He’s an artist.) So let’s see his magnum opus!

“PoRKy PiG’Ƨ FUNNy PictUReƧ” DRAwed by PoRKy PiG. (ARtiƧt) (7 yeaRƧ oLD) 2ND GRaDE. DRAFt No. 6 7/8 (FUNИy)  

After Porky’s awesome intro. (The little drawing labled “me” always kills me. That’s the real troll face. There’s even an off key version of “The Merry go Round broke down.”) We get to the StaRt of FUИNy PictUREƧ

CiRCUƧ PaRADe:  It’s a lovely day for the circus parade. The animals include a lion, an elephant train, and a giraffe. (They in turn are followed by a street sweeper)

CHoo-Choo tRAiN: (I love how he put a picture labled “you’ up there next to his. It looks just like me!) A character drives a train and pulls the whistle to the tune of “California here I come” Puling back, we see that the engine stays level no matter what, and that the wheels stretch down to the tracks. (And then we run out of background)

SoldiERƧ (MARcHIИ): What he said. A little soldier is continuously kicked in the rear, and when two groups of soldiers meet, they walk straight up into the sky and back down again. (Even turning gray when they do it)

HoRƧE RAcE: (and now there’s a labeled horse too) It’s a beautiful day for a horse race! All the horses and jockey’s are really tearing up the track. Except for that last one. That’s CRoƧBy’Ƨ HoRƧE.

DAИCEƧ: (With a picture of Porky, me and the horse too) A hula dancer hulas. Her skirt comes down, probably giving us the first frontal nudity in a cartoon. (Porky!) A Mexican prepares to dance, but Porky keeps scribbling him out. Eventually, he manages to do a couple flips. (Before being scribbled out again) A chorus line contains one tiny dancer among-st the others, and a ballerina stretches her legs out during a split.

GRAND FIИALE: A stick figure Al Jolson sings “September in the rain.” (The rain cloud keeps jumping back to him when its cue is heard.) Yes, there is some blackface. Get over it. Porky is just an impressionable youth who saw “The Jazz Singer”

With that, Porky’s masterpiece is complete. He goes on stage to ask how it was, but finds the audience fled when the skunk decided to sit down. (Judging by his enthusiasm though, they would have loved it just as much as me, the skunk, and you.

Gold Diggers of ’49

YEEOOWHOOPEE!

 Supervision by Fred Avery; (His directorial debut in fact) Animation by Bob Clampett and Charles Jones; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.
Supervision by Fred Avery; (His directorial debut in fact) Animation by Bob Clampett and Charles Jones; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.

In the year that the title names, we see a town so poor they have crossed the “Gold” part out of their name, leaving the place known as Ville. But one brave youth dares to go out and dig for the stuff to rebuild their economy: Beans the Cat! His girlfriend, Kitty believes in him and rushes home to tell her father the news. Her father is Porky. (This is still Beans’ short, I wasn’t lying last week) Being so early in Porky’s career, he is really fat. And his voice isn’t sped up. Also, I can’t tell if he’s wearing pants or not. His legs are a different color than his arms here. Plus there’s the fact that he is somehow Kitty’s father. (I guess he adopted) But let’s check in on Beans and see how he is doing, shall we? Well, he finds the stuff and alerts the whole town. Porky may love his food, but that won’t stop him from joining in the fun and he joins everyone for a day of digging. (I love the cars the people had in 1849. So retro) At their digging spot, we get some pretty dang good gags. (Thank you, Avery) Porky finds a nugget fast, and puts it in his pocket. Reaching into the hole again, he keeps grabbing the same nugget. Beans meanwhile has found a chest. It only contains a book though, titled “How to find gold.” (Which comprises of one sentence: “Dig for it!” Brilliant!) While everyone digs the honest way, the Billy Bletcher Bandit spies a bag of Porky’s and takes it for his own. Porky must have that bag back and promises Beans Kitty’s hand in marriage if he succeeds. Porky will stay behind and go with him in spirit. (Plus, this is a great time to convince Warner Bros. that he is more star material than Beans is. I mean…he’s too distraught to go!) Beans likes the idea and drives off after the thief. His guns don’t have much effect though, as the crook is wearing an armored butt cover. (“Also known as a “Steel Seat.”) To make matters worse, Bean’s car runs out of fuel. What’s a feline to do? Pour some firewater in the tank! Properly juiced up, the car is now fast enough to catch up to the burglar and grab him and the bag, turning back to get Porky and heading to his home. He is true to his word and lets Beans get his hands on that pus…actually, I’m above that joke. Beans in return gives Porky his bag of gold. Gold? Nah, Porky loves his daughter more than that, to give her up for a sack of rocks. That was his lunch bag that was stolen. 

Milk and Money

Things l-look p-p-pretty d-dark, son.

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Charles Jones and Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.
Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Charles Jones and Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.

(Realized, that comments weren’t given a option to be posted. So comment away if you wish! But no trolls, please. I feed them to higher life forms. Like sea sponges)

Porky and his dad own a farm. (Porky and his dad are both being voiced by Doughtery instead of Mel. No disrespect to Joe, but it really sounds like his stutter is hurting him. I hope he had a nice life after Mel improved upon his performance in every way possible.) Things tend to be pretty slow here, and I mean that literally. The horse plods along at a sloth’s pace. Things only really pick up thanks to Hank. He’s a horsefly. (And he looks just like one too! What do you mean, they have six limbs and don’t have horse heads? After last week’s post, I’m just happy to see an insect with the correct number of wings.) Hank is “Hank”ering for a bite of horse butt. (Logic dictates that the horse be named Henry.) Once bitten, Henry tears around the farm and finishes the plowing. But bigger problems are on the way. A one Mr. Viper by name has come to tell them that the farm is being foreclosed unless they can give him the money they owe by tomorrow. (He confides to us that he doesn’t think they can do it, before literally slithering back to his horse.) Porky Sr. is despondent, but Porky offers to go the city and get the money, because he is just such a good boy. He heads to the “Fuller Water Milk co.” and applies for a milkman position. Because this is Porky we’re talking about, he is hired right away. However, he is warned that he is not to break one bottle or he will have to be fired. Hank meanwhile, is not happy to find his primary food source is gone. The horse was at least kind enough to leave a note saying where he went, so Hank follows. In the city, Porky is cheerfully making his round unaware of the cats that are stealing his wares. (You may think there are two of them, but there is an endless supply. You see, I traveled back in time and am just off screen snapping their necks one by one. Why don’t I try and help my pal? Because that would change the future for the worse. The last time I did that, Donald Trump ended up as president.) Hank manages to catch up to the two and gives Henry another bite. The horse runs into a post and breaks up the remainder of the bottles. (Must resist urge to kill Hank! Must…resist…) Heading home, Henry is attracted to some oats at a racetrack and heads in. Good thing it was an empty stall, as no one is there to tell Porky that he’s not supposed to be part of this race. Turns out the prize is $10,000.00 and there’s no joke about not getting all of it this time. If only his horse was a bit faster. Where’s a horsefly when you need one? Not to worry, Hank has room for seconds and another bite sends Henry around the track so fast, he wins first place. Come the next day, Mr. Viper is gleefully watching the last minute tick by. Where is Porky? He’s coming. He took a little extra time to spend some prize money on a limo for him and Henry. (Even Hank gets a cute little chair) Porky pays the snake-man his due and although angry, he is at least civil enough to thank the pig. Hank then redeems himself to me by giving Viper a bite. (The rich horseflies don’t settle for horse meat.)

A Gander at Mother Goose

Remember Little Hiawatha and his bow and arrow?

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Charles McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940. Technical Advisor; Mother Goose.
Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Charles McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940. Technical Advisor; Mother Goose.

Sing a song of 10 cents, (A.K.A. a dime.) I feel it’s time to make another post, that is all in rhyme. Nursery rhymes are what today’s featured short is all about. So let’s not waste any more time and just go check it out. Mistress Mary (quite contrary) how does her garden grow? Not so well is what methinks. (“Confidentially” she says “It stinks.”) Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall, and soon poor Humpty takes a great fall. But he lands just fine, and sees no drawback. (Unaware that we can see his “crack”) Jack and Jill climb up a hill to get water in a pail. Jack should now come falling down, but not in this tale. “To heck with the water” he doth speak. (With lipstick markings on his cheek) Miss Muffet sits on her tuffet, to eat curds and whey, when a spider comes down to scare her away. (Why does he have three legs on each of his limbs?) But Muffet’s so ugly that she frightens him. The three little pigs are all on the run. (They could be Porky’s nephews, but he already has one) They hide in a brick house, away from a wolf’s hungry jaw, (Yes this isn’t a nursery rhyme, that’s the short’s biggest flaw) They surrender to the lupine who’s wishing their death. But only because he’s got terrible breath. They offer him mouthwash. (That’s got to sting) He takes it. (“Why don’t my friends tell me these things?”) Star of light, star so bright, a dog wishes on a star at night. His wish comes true. What could it be? Well he IS a dog. He wished for a tree. Jack is nimble and Jack is quick, he jumps over a candlestick. It’s basically the same as the Humpty joke, just with burning butt and no egg yolk. There is an old lady who lives in a shoe, she has so many children, what can she do? She does have a husband, but he’s not there. He’s off relaxing in a lawn chair. Finally, “‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring,” except for a mouse. “Merry Christmas” he whispers merrily to his friend, “QUIET!” he shouts. And thus the short ends.                                                                   

 

 

 

Little Red Wallking Hood

“Gee, but you’re swell!”

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Cal Howard; Animation by Irven Spence; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1937 Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Cal Howard; Animation by Irven Spence; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1937 (You know, I always questioned the “riding” part of the title)

 

In this short (which contains backgrounds drawn by colored pencils. Gives it that story book feel.) we see a wolf playing pachinko. Despite his best cheating, he fails. (Don’t feel bad wolf, if Super Mario Sunshine has taught me anything, it’s that pachinko is near impossible.) He spies a young girl with a red hood outside and calls upon his inner pervert. (She looks like a kid, maybe she is one) He hits on her, but she is not interested and turns her nose up at him. Not looking where he was going, the wolf (voiced by Ted Pierce) gets hit on the head by a stop sign. After waiting for Egghead to cross the street (and getting hit by a go sign) he resumes his flirtatious ways despite her literal cold shoulder. She tells him off (in her Katherine Hepburn-esque voice) and says that she is going to her grandmothers. Egghead pops up with a sign showing a shortcut, and the wolf drives off. Turns out that favor wasn’t free as the wolf soon sees Egghead hitchhiking up ahead. He speeds past him. At grandma’s, (where we see Egghead just jumped onto the car anyway) He tries to get in. Grandma was smart enough to lock the door and the wolf can’t get in no matter how hard he tries. (Egghead can get in easily to the wolf’s chagrin) He eventually does get in the house and chases the old lady around. She calls a time-out to answer the phone. It’s the grocer and she takes her time listing her groceries. (Gotta love the wolf’s reaction) After getting some butter and lettuce (and gin) they resume their chase. She hides in the closet and when the wolf catches up, Egghead walks out. (The wolf can only shrug by this point) Right when he gets her where he wants her, Red shows up. The wolf begs for the stuff he needs to disguise himself with. (Funnily enough, she hands it over right away) He hops into bed and the girl walks in. After they give the usual banter this story has, the wolf tussles with her. (Taking a quick break so a couple of inconsiderate a-holes can sit down in the theater.) Just when the fight starts picking up again, Egghead walks by once more. Having enough, the wolf asks (in his own words) just who the heck this guy is. Egghead responds by smacking him with a mallet. Turns out he was the hero of the short.

The Bear’s Tale

Isn’t this where the three bears live?

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by J.B. Hardaway; Animation by Rod Scribner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940
Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by J.B. Hardaway; Animation by Rod Scribner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940

This short begins by showing us the cast. Papa is played by Papa Bear, Mama is played by Mama Bear, etc. The only exception being that Goldilocks is playing herself. In the beautiful, green, forest, there is a cottage where three bears live. They sit down to their porridge but find it too hot. Papa tries to cool his mouth down with a gulp of water, but drinks from the hot tap. (I just want to point out that I love this guy. He won’t stop cracking jokes and laughing heartily at them. It’s Tex Avery voicing the bear, and he’s loving every moment of it.) Deciding to let it cool, the family goes for a rid on a tandem bike for three. (The little bear being forced to do all the pedaling.) While they’re gone, someone else is waltzing through the beautiful, green, forest. It’s little Goldilocks. (Is that her real name?) She comes to a cottage and enters. Whoops! Wrong story. There’s a wolf in there who lets her know that she’s at the wrong place. He sends her on her way, but figures that she is no different from Little Red Riding Hood, and so he takes a taxi to the Bears place to surprise her. (The bears in question, are still biking. Papa is having a grand time pretending to be a siren. Have I mentioned I love this guy?) Goldilocks gets to the cottage and begins eating. At the same time, Red gets to her location and finds a note from the wolf. Seems he got tired of waiting and went to find food elsewhere. Red phones Goldie, (on her way to the bedroom) and lets her know of the plan. Goldie leaves just as the family returns. They are sad to find their food gone. The wolf sneezes and the trio panics, thinking there is a robber in the premises. Papa tells the two to stay put and he’ll go get the crook. As he climbs the stairs, he laughs once more and tells us he knows full well that there is no robber. He read this story in Reader’s Digest and is prepared to find Goldie. (Okay, it’s official. If I was a gay cartoon bear, I would marry this magnificent creature.) Imagine his surprise when he finds an angry wolf in the bed instead. (Well, you don’t really have to. I’m guessing you already saw the image at the top of the screen.) Scared, he takes his family and they run off into the sunset. Papa, Mama, and the little bear’s bare behind, behind. (Yes, they end on a butt joke. But I’ll forgive it for the spectacular wonder that is Papa. It’s a shame he never got his own series.) 

Don’t expect a post next week. I will be on a trip. I’ll resume the week after next.

Daffy Duck and Egghead

“I’m not crazy, I just don’t give a darn!”

Directed by Tex Avery

Only his second appearence and Daffy is already funnier than most people on tv today. Before the credits we see two walnuts. Daffy and Egghead each pop out of one, setting the scene. Egghead is hunting and is quite annoyed when a theater-goer won’t sit down. Egghead politley asks him to sit. He won’t. Egghead shoots him. He hears quacking, and pulls back the reeds to recive a bill bite to the nose. Daffy has joined the picture. Egghead winds up a duck decoy and lets “her” go towards Daffy. He is not amused and throws it back along with a sign. (Ta’int funny, Mcgee) A random turtle encourages them to duel which Daffy cheats at and gets the turtle shot. Daffy then puts an apple on his head for Egghead to shoot off. Egghead continuosly misses. Daffy goes right up to the barrel of the gun and Egghead STILL misses. Daffy gives him a cup of pens, sunglasses, and a “blind” sign. (“Too bad, too bad.”) Daffy leaves to sing “Merry go round broke down” with his reflection. Egghead fires at Daffy again, but Daffy pulls out a frightening mask, that has the bullets hiding back in the gun. Egghead stuffs some gloves into the gun’s barrrel, attaches them to a fishing line and fires. The gloves knock Daffy out and bring back Egghead’s prize. He’s elated. Just then a truck from the insane asylum arrives. The driver takes Daffy and thanks Eggy for the help. Apparently they’ve been hunting him for awhile now. The key word is apparently. The doctor is just as crazy as Daffy and the two “Hoo-hoo” into the sunset. Egghead snaps and joins them.

On a unrelated topic: R.I.P. Bob Hoskins. You were my favorite live-action actor in “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”

Thugs with Dirty Mugs

“I’ll get the killer yet! I’ll send him up… the raft!”

It’s a cartoon spoof of “Angels with Dirty Faces” and the character Killer Diller is played by Ed. G. Robemsome. He robs the first national bank. Then the second one. Then the third one. This goes on until 13. Seems the killer is supersticoius, but that doesn’t stop him as he goes on to rob 87 banks in one day.The secret agent fails to inform the chief of police of what hes learned while the killer makes his way up to robbing the 112th national bank. He goes to the worst national bank (although i swear he already went ther earlier) which contains 225 million assets. The gang goes in and comes out leaving only 2. Killer goes back to get what he missed and fixes the sign for them. That was nice. He is so intimidating that he can rob the operator over the telephone. Back at the hideout he tells his boys that they are next going to rob Mrs. Lotta Jewels house. A man in the audience tries to leave, but Killer makes him sit. Can’t risk him telling the cops. The police chief meanwhile figures that if he knew where Killer would strike next then he could catch him. The same man tips him off and the popo suprise the gang at the mansion. Killer is sent to jail for his long sentence. Well, its not very long (its only “I’ve been a naughty boy”) but he’ll be writing it for years to come.

She was an Acrobat’s Daughter

“Why Daddy? Why did the man look at her like that, Daddy? Why Daddy? Did he like her Daddy? Did he like the lady?”

At the theater there are 15 acts. The audience keeps switching seats as soon as one is avaibable and the show starts with a newsreel. Dole Promise tells us that the U.S. has built an ocean liner so long it barely has to move, reach across the Atlantic. The audience meanwhile, is annoyed by that one theater-goer who gets up and is fat. In this case he is an actual hippo. Next the news tells us of a town, whose inhabitats all act like dogs. The hippo comes back just in time for the shorts namesake singalong! After the song the feature presentation plays. (After the MGM lion crows) It is the petrified Florist. During the show, a Donkey tries to sell some mucnchies to the patrons and is thrown out. The main character tries to regale some poetry to a waitress but muddles it up. Another theater goer we all know, (the kid who won’t shut up) is a duckling constantly asking his father numerous questions. The other patrons growl at him, and hit his father who tries to defend him. The youngster runs from his angry smacking father and comes across the projection room. He begins to play with the machine, speeding the film up and reversing it. He panics and tries to fix his mistake only to get pulled into the machine and tangled in the film.