Believe it or Else

“I don’t believe it!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on June 25, 1939.

You ever hear of “Ripley’s Believe it or not”? It’s a bit obscure. Newspaper comics, books, museums, and more: all to inform you of things you might just claim as false. I mean, a little boy named Chalres Schulz getting a drawing published? Preposterous. I’m sure he never went anywhere, did anything, knew anyone.

So yeah, obscure it may be, it was still worth a parody in a Warner Bros. picture. Brought to us by the master of gags: Tex Avery. Imagination is limitless, so we’re guaranteed a good time! Egghead is also here, but he’s going to play the role of doubting thomas. (Which isn’t fun to be. Be warned, children.)

What sort of oddities, strangeities, and weirdities could we possibly be shown? Example: a man has been drinking fifty quarts of milk a day for two years. Would you believe that all those calories didn’t kill him? It just makes him unleash a good lowing. (Which is odd. Cows give milk, they don’t drink it. Would eating enough apples make you act like a tree?) There’s a snake charmer, (Whose hood looks more like a shell than anything. Cute gag though.) and a man who builds ships in bottles. (You might not be impressed, but I am. I couldn’t even fit my head in one.)

A man calls pigs from several states away, (you don’t believe that most of our states are just misshapen blobs? We said “Believe or else!”) another hasn’t left his room in years. (Jails frown on that, you know.) There’s even a human basketball! (I’m not jealous. You’re jealous.) Keeping in “Ripley’s” style, there’s even some demonstrations on brain tricks you can play with your friends. (If I had friends, you know I’d give it a try.)

Take a look through the telescope. There’s life on Mars you know. (Warner cartoons with martians? No!) Well, it’s really just “Buck Dodgers.” (What a bad pun. Why isn’t he named “Duck?”) And he’s an over the top gay stereotype. The third I’ve seen this year. Okay, there’s life on Mars. Is there any on the Moon? Nope, and we’ll check to prove it- Hey! There’s men on the moon! Men who sing! I wouldn’t have thought that possible, what with the lack of an atmosphere and all, but I guess I’m just wrong about everything.

With what we’ve seen, is there any reason to return to Earth and see what wonders are still there? I’d say so. There’s a wishing well that responds to the wishes made. It doesn’t grant them. Technology isn’t there yet. There’s even a device that allows us to hear the ants talk. (Must be a newly discovered species, as our narrator identifies it as a male, but I see no wings.) Last up, we’re going to see the classic trick: sawing a person in half. Egghead still doubts, despite all he’s experienced, and offers himself as a test subject.

Believe it or Not! (By Dr. Foolio)

Today, a one Egghead Penner found out that the human body can survive in two halves! His head and torso stayed in one location, but his waist and legs walked off by themselves!

This drawing of a nose was submitted by Bradley Daniels, of Annapolis, Maryland.

TRY THIS TRICK!

Draw a square. Cut the square in half. Magically, you now have two rectangles! Amaze your friends!

 

Favorite Part: Seeing the berth of a baby, for the first time on screen. (It’s much more funny when you hear it spoken, as opposed to reading it.)

Personal Rating: 3

 

Porky’s Garden

“That’s a some-a nice garden.”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Sid Sutherland and Elmer Wait; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on September 11, 1937.

Big prize at the fair! If you’ve got a home-grown product, and it’s big enough, then you could be the lucky recipient of $2,000.00! (And we have to adjust for tax. You’ll still get to keep a buck.) Porky has plans to win with his produce. His Italian neighbor, (who I get to name Carlo because nobody else has in 83 years) also plans to win  with his chickens. There can only be one winner, who do you think will take it?

The two rush home. Porky does something I’ve never seen him do before: use his tail to poke holes in the ground. It looks… unnatural. (Does he ever make use of that appendage again?) His neighbor already has most of his work done, as his chickens have reached the adult stage. It couldn’t hurt to give them a bit more nutrients. Mixing up a mess of vitamins and minerals, he expects the birds to gobble it down. However, even though they have less than 500 taste buds, they still hate the stuff.

Porky has a secret weapon. A substance that can cause living things to grow really big, really fast: hair tonic. It works all right. The plants immediately age from seeds to full grown seed producing plants of their own. Just like that! Porky’s earned his rest. He goes inside. Luckily for him, Carlo didn’t see his growing methods. Unluckily, he does see a bounty of food that his hens could feed upon. Logically, anything that grows that big has got to be good for you. Should promote bone growth, muscle strengthening, and probably more of a sex drive.

The birds dive in. Food gags! (And yes, sometimes, food, gags.) One chicken sucks the juice out of all the tomatoes. Another squeezes peas right out of the pod. A third isn’t interested in salad, and just pries a worm out of an apple. (She knows what happens to chickens that go to fairs.) Porky becomes aware and tries to chase the birds off his property. (I notice one seems to disappear before my eyes. It must be a poultrygeist. I don’t care how many people have made that joke before me.)

(It’s a million, isn’t it?)

Porky, rightfully so, asks his fat neighbor (yes, I went there) to collect his birds. He asks them to come back. They don’t. Clearly, he’s done all he can do. (He’s also not too sad. Contests are more fun if your victory is assured, you know.) Porky mopes. Wait, what could be on the end of this vine? *Gasp* A pumpkin!  Granted, I’ve seen larger, but as long as they aren’t at the fair, Porky could still win! The chickens aren’t satisfied, and try to eat this last gourd too. Good thing Porky played football in high school. He makes it past the chickens, and runs off to the fair because I guess the contest is today. (He’s so excited that he phases to the right for a millisecond.)

Carlo calls the birds back proving that he was screwing with Porky earlier. (That fat b@$$turd! Yes, I went there!) The fair seems really popular this year, they’re even playing “The Merry go round broke down.” (Because it’s a funfair.) Since they are free range, the chickens just walk behind Carlo as he strolls to the contest. They pass a barker who has an interesting product. Reducing pills. His sign promises they will make you thin, but his demonstration is a bit more confusing. He gives one to an elephant, and granted, it shrinks. Into a mouse. Wait.

Okay, I looked at the taxonomic chart my species has created. That doesn’t add up, it’s just Avery having fun. Oops! A bottle has spilled open and the pills are spilling in front of the chickens. They still have room to spare, and gobble the pills. (Except one that fades away. So many goof-ups today!) Porky is just about to win, when Carlo shows up. (His hens look much more large than they did half a second ago.) The judge takes Porky’s prize away. (Yeah, um, the contest was clearly over if you were handing  out the prize, and why such a large bag for one dollar? Is it given in pennies? Jerk.)

Oops! The pills kick in. The birds shrink. Back to pullets, back to chicks, back to eggs! Iris out.

Oh wait, things need to be set right. Porky is on top of things, and reverses the ending a bit to grab what is rightfully his.

Favorite Part: Even though the chickens are supposed to be a team, one refuses to share a watermelon with a chick. The little one sobs, but finds some spinach. Not only does this make him stronger, but actually turns him into a Popeye caricature! Speech style included!

Personal Rating: 3

The Mice Will Play

“You’re correct. Absolutely correct.”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Jack Miller; Animation by Sid Sutherland; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 31, 1938.

There was a brief period during the ’30’s, where the renowned Tex Avery directed a trio of cartoons starring cute, widdle mice. What’s odd and noteworthy is the fact that these cartoons are, dare I say it, a tad Disney-esque. It may sound un-Avery, but he still manages to stick in a good number of amusing gags. This picture was the last of the three.

We open in the medical lab of Dr. I.M. Nutts. Nobody is around, so a bunch of mice decide they might as well do whatever they please with this equipment. It would be very dangerous in the wrong hands, but they have paws. So we’re good. We’re good. Really, what harm can happen when looking through a microscope? It just allows you to see a football game between red and white corpuscles, clucking chicken pox, and whooping, coughing, whooping cough.

Other mice listen to a heartbeat with a stethoscope. If you know as much about mice as I do, then you know that that heartbeat is just too slow. Taking a heart pill helps bring things up to speed, and irritate some eardrums in the process. Still, for as much fun as these guys are having, Susie mouse in the next room, isn’t. She begs and pleads for someone to help her escape from her cage. Seeing as the label on it lists her as a test subject, she has every right to do this.

But that can wait until the climax. What other gags are there? An x-ray that reveals mice are nothing but cheese and a clockwork brain. (Better than most people I know.) One mouse deciding to chug down some liquid neon. (Not what I’d consider the brightest idea, but he ends up glowing, so I guess I can’t talk.) And three mice taking things a bit too far with a syringe, seeing as they are aiming for one of their companion’s rumps. (Actually, maybe they hate this guy. I can’t fault them for that.) Regardless, he’s saved by an audience member.

Okay, climax time. Susie happens to have a piece of paper, and sends a rescue request. Her message can turn into an airplane, and that’s how she send it out. It is found by a mouse named Johnny, who immediately rushes to her aid. It may be sudden, but her x-ray doesn’t lie, she loves her savior, and the two immediately wed. (Exchanging vows with woodwind instruments. Strange, but I suppose I shouldn’t question mouse customs.)

By the way, a cat has been skulking throughout the cartoon, taking his time on getting ready for a feast. (I like that his whiskers form the stereotypical bad guy mustache.) When he finally arrives, he happens to overhear Susie comment that with this marriage done, it seems that there will be plenty of fat, little mice in the future. (Odd way to describe your offspring. But again, mice live differently than you or I. I’m sure Walt said the same thing about Mickey.) With this theory made, the cat decides his meal can wait awhile. (20 days, I’d wager. Might want to grab a snack.)

Favorite Part: Johnny asks Susie why she is acting so weird. She tells him she loves him, and not only is he pleased, but he points out that she should’ve just said so. On behalf of every socially awkward male, Thank you! If only female humans acted this way. I could save myself a good amount of embarrassment.

Personal Rating: 3

Plane Dippy

“Get a load of this!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Sid Sutherland and Virgil Ross; Musical Score by Bernard Brown. A Looney Tune released on April 30, 1936.

As my tribute to dads everywhere and my love of over complicating things, I choose this picture as today’s subject, because many people consider pigs as food, I.E., fodder. (And I’ll submit to that mentality when said food flys.)

Well, what’s Porky up to this time? Enlisting in the armed forces? A noble pursuit. What sounds like a good fit for my man? Infantry? Nah, too much walking. Navy? That’s for ducks. How about the air corp? That’s the ticket! Porky heads right on in, eager to join. Too bad this is back in the Dougherty days, so I hope you had nothing planned for the rest of your life. That’s about how long one conversation with the pig will last. (Don’t try and cheat by giving him some writing utensils. His stutter affects handwriting too)

Still, everyone deserves a fair shot at things, and Porky is given a uniform and tests. Beans makes a cameo to help set up a dizziness test. (I’m sure that’s the correct term too.) Porky spins all over the room, and when he is tested on firing a gun, he takes out the whole building before even scratching the plane. Looks like he’s ready to me! (I don’t care if I’m looking at him through a fanboy’s eyes. If I could swap someone else’s eyes with mine, I would. And I’d still think how I do. Eyes aren’t brains.) The guy in charge must want my fist in his gut, as he just gives Porky a feather duster. (Prick.)

Porky’s orders have him assisting a scientist by the name of Professor Blotz. He’s got something in the works that will revolutionize the airplane: a voice controlled robot plane! It’s very easy to operate. Just speak into the microphone, and tell the plane what you want it to do. No training required. (OH! So that’s why Porky was sent here! Now he can fight! It’s no different than my dream of having a self driving car in the Indy 500.) Porky even gets to give it a try. (If Mel was here, the plane wouldn’t be shaking so much. Must we really wait another ten months for his otherworldly skills?)

Porky sets to work cleaning off the plane, but Blotz doesn’t properly secure his command console, and just leaves it on the windowsill. Coincidentally, Kitty has just noticed a dog belonging to that weird looking dog child I made fun of so many years ago. Wait… Kitty made at least five appearances, didn’t she? *sigh* Here we go again

Kitty

Another character who was often used as a love interest. (Although, she sometimes was just a friend) She was voiced by Bernice Hanson.

I don’t look forward to the day when I have to do that with Cookie…

Being the only anthropomorphic dog in the relationship, the bigger one gets to force the smaller one into doing various tricks for his amusement. Even worse, since the voice command module is still on, it picks up the children’s voices and transmits them to the plane. Poor Porky. He picked the wrong time to be cleaning the inside of it. He gets taken along for the ride, doing hundreds if not thousands of dollars in property damages to the rest of the countryside. Demolishing buildings, destroying shipments of hay, and even sending the clouds into a panic. (And even then the children aren’t innocent! The bigger dog actually sics his smaller counterpart on some non-anthropomorphic cat. Kitty is oddly okay with this.)

Things get worse before getting better, as the amusing pup attracts a whole throng of children. All of them act as inconsiderate as children usually are, and all yell out countless tricks for the innocent animal to do. Poor thing! (Never give most children a pet. They’ll abuse it.) At least large dog (who I should’ve just called Rover this whole time) decides the exhausted creature has had enough and tells him that they are going home. Luckily for Porky, the plane follows suit. (And it still looks like mint condition! Blotz, you ARE impressive.) Still, this whole experience has been quite harrowing, so Porky immediately calls it quits and reconsiders joining the infantry. (Being able to admit you can’t do something. Another very adult mindset! I’m prouder still!)

Favorite Part: We get to learn Porky’s full name in this picture! Bet you didn’t know it was “Porky Cornelius Washington Otis Lincoln Abner Eleanor Aloysius Casper Jefferson Filbert Horatius Narcissus Pig” *Sniff* So… beautiful.

Personal Rating: 3

The Village Smithy

“Get out of the scene now!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Cecil Surry and Sid Sutherland; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on December 5, 1936.

Still relatively early in Avery’s career, and yet this short is comic gold! This guy really knew what he was doing! (If only all directors did the same.)

What can be said about a village smithy? Well, as the poem dictates, he is a mighty man. A strong man. And kind of a dope. I like him. He is kinda like that doofy uncle we all have. The short wastes no time in getting the jokes started. From everything falling into the scene, to awesome fourth wall jokes that don’t let up through the picture.

The smith has an apprentice/assistant, my all around favorite guy, Porky. He’s a bit clumsy, but eager to be of assistance. All we need to get the story underway is a horse. (A camel from one of their foreign legion pictures shows up. Is that a reference to “Little Beau Porky”? Very Clever, Tex!) Time to get to work! Smith measures the horse’s hooves and instructs Porky of the size. Porky gets the right size, but wrong material and begins hammering a rubber horseshoe. (It’s always good to have some around a blacksmith.) He ends up hitting his head when the hammer bounces off the shoe. (In accordance with the law of the Tooniverse, he stops once he has a helmet on.)

Let’s get this thing on the horse. Or the smith, that works too. It certainly puts a spring in his step! (I’m not sorry. The short didn’t make that joke, so it was up to me.) He rips it off, but has a hard time getting rid of it. Every throw just brings it back to his head. His solution is simple: shoot the freaking thing. It works, but Porky is banned from getting more. Instead, he is told to heat a new one up at the forge. Prepare yourself, the last bit of the cartoon is one wild and funny gag!

Porky trips with the searing horseshoe, and drops it on the poor creature. As it runs in pain, it hits the smith and drags him along. Their destination: all over the countryside! They destroy a great many of the surrounding landmarks. Demolishing a general store, a bank, and nearly running over a digger in the road. Horses have a goodly amount of stamina, so unless something can stop it, it’s probably going to keep on going. Luckily for the smith, a fence acts like a rubber band and sends them back, all the way home. (Reversing the footage they already had. Brilliant, Avery! One can only imagine what your future projects will contain!) Back at the beginning, the smith is shaken, but apart from some color changing eyebrows, he’s fine. He would like to know how this all happened, though. As Porky explains, he accidentally repeats his screw-up, and the whole thing starts over again!

Favorite part: Well, obviously, the ending gag is the best part, but it is the little touches that really brings it together. As they run, the smith pauses the action to comment on the situation. (A common Avery gag.) Even better, when they reverse everything, he speaks backwards. That clever Avery! Death should have given him a pass.

Personal Rating: 4

Page Miss Glory

“Call for Miss Glory!”

Supervised by Tex Avery; Words and music by Warren & Dubin; Modern At Conceived and Designed by Leodora Congdon. 3/C. A Merrie Melody released on March 7,  1936.

Another one of the 100 greatest. The oldest one in fact.

Hicksville is a pretty slow, country town. It’s the kind of place where one can’t open their mouth without a yawn jumping out. So, the slightest event will really catch the populace’s attention. In this case, a celebrity is coming to town. Her name is Miss Glory, and since this is such a big occasion, the entire town is pitching in to make the place worthy. She will be staying at the only hotel in the place, where the staff is also prettying up for her.

The bellhop is a young man named Abner. He is excited to be a part of everything and practices bellhop manners. Everything is ready, now all we need is the guest of honor. If the clock is to be believed, several days have passed without her showing. (Pft. Celebrities.) As the time passes, Abner sleeps and dreams. In his dreams, not only is he less ugly, (Getting some clothes that actually fit, a haircut, losing his ugly buck teeth) but the hotel becomes an art-deco place of beauty. And Miss Glory is here in Abner’s dreams too.

Being a bellhop, he is asked to page the titular woman. While we are treated to the title song, we do get some gags thrown in as well. After Abner stands on a guest’s train, it tears off of her. She rolls with it and does a fan dance. (If only she was 50 years younger, it would be okay to be turned on by this) Another highlight is the patron getting served a mountain of food, but only eating a bite of an olive.

Abner is not having much luck finding the woman, and things only get more complicated as the hotel announces that Glory is at the hotel. This attracts the attention of every single man in the place, who storms in her direction. Clogging the elevators, Abner is unable to follow and perform his duties. He does eventually get in one, but the operator heads out on his lunch break. Abner decides to send himself up, but due to coming from a world where hotels are not more than one story high, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and sends the elevator up and down at a high speed. Eventually popping out of the building, and landing him in front of a streetcar.

But that bell isn’t just part of a dream! It’s his boss! Miss Glory has finally arrived! (She must be a big deal. If the crowd is any indication, Clampett, Avery, Jones, and Melvin Millar have all shown up to catch a glimpse of her.) Abner prepares to do what he was meant to do, but the question remains: Is Glory as hot as he dreamed? Not unless you’re a pedophile. Miss is an appropriate title, as the woman in question is at max, six years old.

Personal Rating: 3

Porky’s Preview

“Hi g-gang!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1941.

Oh boy oh boy! Of all the Looney Tunes that don’t get their just recognition, this is at the top of that list. It’s the one I feel should have been on the list of the 100 greatest Looney tunes. (Replace “Acrobattty Bunny” or “The Stupor Salesman” with this masterpiece.) It’s so funny! It’s so creative! What else can I say but, watch it while you can! I found a clip! Hurry and view it before it’s too late!

Did you watch it? I’m still going to talk about it, so I really hope you viewed it first. It’s magical.

Porky has a show going on that all the animals are eagerly heading into. A hen takes her eggs, a kangaroo (another male one with a pouch. This short’s only shortcoming. But I do like that “Professor Porky” Poster behind him.) takes the tickets. (And one guy’s arm) And a firefly acts as an usher. A skunk would love to get in, but he can’t pay the 5 cent admission fee, as he only has one scent. (“Get it?”) As he walks off, he finds the exit. Seeing as how he read my ravings up there, he has no choice but to sneak in. (Considering he sounds just like Bugs, I can just picture him going “Ain’t I a stinker?” before heading in.) Porky gets on stage to address the audience. Even though, he’s still a boy in this short, he drew the whole cartoon by himself. (It wasn’t hard. He’s an artist.) So let’s see his magnum opus!

 “PoRKy PiG’Ƨ FUNNy PictUReƧ” DRAwed by PoRKy PiG. (ARtiƧt) (7 yeaRƧ oLD) 2ND GRaDE. DRAFt No. 6 7/8 (FUNИy)

After Porky’s awesome intro. (The little drawing labled “me” always kills me. That’s the real troll face. There’s even an off key version of “The Merry go Round broke down.”) We get to the StaRt of FUИNy PictUREƧ

CiRCUƧ PaRADe:  It’s a lovely day for the circus parade. The animals include a lion, an elephant train, and a giraffe. (They in turn are followed by a street sweeper)

CHoo-Choo tRAiN: (I love how he put a picture labled “you’ up there next to his. It looks just like me!) A character drives a train and pulls the whistle to the tune of “California here I come” Puling back, we see that the engine stays level no matter what, and that the wheels stretch down to the tracks. (And then we run out of background)

SoldiERƧ (MARcHIИ): What he said. A little soldier is continuously kicked in the rear, and when two groups of soldiers meet, they walk straight up into the sky and back down again. (Even turning gray when they do it)

HoRƧE RAcE: (and now there’s a labeled horse too) It’s a beautiful day for a horse race! All the horses and jockey’s are really tearing up the track. Except for that last one. That’s CRoƧBy’Ƨ HoRƧE.

DAИCEƧ: (With a picture of Porky, me and the horse too) A hula dancer hulas. Her skirt comes down, probably giving us the first frontal nudity in a cartoon. (Porky!) A Mexican prepares to dance, but Porky keeps scribbling him out. Eventually, he manages to do a couple flips. (Before being scribbled out again) A chorus line contains one tiny dancer among-st the others, and a ballerina stretches her legs out during a split.

GRAND FIИALE: A stick figure Al Jolson sings “September in the rain.” (The rain cloud keeps jumping back to him when its cue is heard.) Yes, there is some blackface. Get over it. Porky is just an impressionable youth who saw “The Jazz Singer”

With that, Porky’s masterpiece is complete. He goes on stage to ask how it was, but finds the audience fled when the skunk decided to sit down. (Judging by his enthusiasm though, they would have loved it just as much as me, the skunk, and you.

Personal Rating: 5 (And I think it deserves it too!)

Gold Diggers of ’49

“YEEOOWHOOPEE!”

 Supervision by Fred Avery; (His directorial debut in fact) Animation by Bob Clampett and Charles Jones; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936. Supervision by Fred Avery; (His directorial debut in fact) Animation by Bob Clampett and Charles Jones; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.

In the year that the title names, we see a town so poor they have crossed the “Gold” part out of their name, leaving the place known as Ville. But one brave youth dares to go out and dig for the stuff to rebuild their economy: Beans the Cat! His girlfriend, Kitty believes in him and rushes home to tell her father the news. Her father is Porky. (This is still Beans’ short, I wasn’t lying last week) Being so early in Porky’s career, he is really fat. And his voice isn’t sped up. Also, I can’t tell if he’s wearing pants or not. His legs are a different color than his arms here. Plus there’s the fact that he is somehow Kitty’s father. (I guess he adopted) But let’s check in on Beans and see how he is doing, shall we? Well, he finds the stuff and alerts the whole town. Porky may love his food, but that won’t stop him from joining in the fun and he joins everyone for a day of digging. (I love the cars the people had in 1849. So retro) At their digging spot, we get some pretty dang good gags. (Thank you, Avery) Porky finds a nugget fast, and puts it in his pocket. Reaching into the hole again, he keeps grabbing the same nugget. Beans meanwhile has found a chest. It only contains a book though, titled “How to find gold.” (Which comprises of one sentence: “Dig for it!” Brilliant!) While everyone digs the honest way, the Billy Bletcher Bandit spies a bag of Porky’s and takes it for his own. Porky must have that bag back and promises Beans Kitty’s hand in marriage if he succeeds. Porky will stay behind and go with him in spirit. (Plus, this is a great time to convince Warner Bros. that he is more star material than Beans is. I mean…he’s too distraught to go!) Beans likes the idea and drives off after the thief. His guns don’t have much effect though, as the crook is wearing an armored butt cover. (“Also known as a “Steel Seat.”) To make matters worse, Bean’s car runs out of fuel. What’s a feline to do? Pour some firewater in the tank! Properly juiced up, the car is now fast enough to catch up to the burglar and grab him and the bag, turning back to get Porky and heading to his home. He is true to his word and lets Beans get his hands on that pus…actually, I’m above that joke. Beans in return gives Porky his bag of gold. Gold? Nah, Porky loves his daughter more than that, to give her up for a sack of rocks. That was his lunch bag that was stolen.

Personal Rating: 4

Milk and Money

“Things l-look p-p-pretty d-dark, son.”

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Charles Jones and Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936. Supervision by Fred Avery; Animation by Charles Jones and Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1936.

(Realized, that comments weren’t given a option to be posted. So comment away if you wish! But no trolls, please. I feed them to higher life forms. Like sea sponges)

Porky and his dad own a farm. (Porky and his dad are both being voiced by Doughtery instead of Mel. No disrespect to Joe, but it really sounds like his stutter is hurting him. I hope he had a nice life after Mel improved upon his performance in every way possible.) Things tend to be pretty slow here, and I mean that literally. The horse plods along at a sloth’s pace. Things only really pick up thanks to Hank. He’s a horsefly. (And he looks just like one too! What do you mean, they have six limbs and don’t have horse heads? After last week’s post, I’m just happy to see an insect with the correct number of wings.) Hank is “Hank”ering for a bite of horse butt. (Logic dictates that the horse be named Henry.) Once bitten, Henry tears around the farm and finishes the plowing. But bigger problems are on the way. A one Mr. Viper by name has come to tell them that the farm is being foreclosed unless they can give him the money they owe by tomorrow. (He confides to us that he doesn’t think they can do it, before literally slithering back to his horse.) Porky Sr. is despondent, but Porky offers to go the city and get the money, because he is just such a good boy. He heads to the “Fuller Water Milk co.” and applies for a milkman position. Because this is Porky we’re talking about, he is hired right away. However, he is warned that he is not to break one bottle or he will have to be fired. Hank meanwhile, is not happy to find his primary food source is gone. The horse was at least kind enough to leave a note saying where he went, so Hank follows. In the city, Porky is cheerfully making his round unaware of the cats that are stealing his wares. (You may think there are two of them, but there is an endless supply. You see, I traveled back in time and am just off screen snapping their necks one by one. Why don’t I try and help my pal? Because that would change the future for the worse. The last time I did that, Donald Trump ended up as president.) Hank manages to catch up to the two and gives Henry another bite. The horse runs into a post and breaks up the remainder of the bottles. (Must resist urge to kill Hank! Must…resist…) Heading home, Henry is attracted to some oats at a racetrack and heads in. Good thing it was an empty stall, as no one is there to tell Porky that he’s not supposed to be part of this race. Turns out the prize is $10,000.00 and there’s no joke about not getting all of it this time. If only his horse was a bit faster. Where’s a horsefly when you need one? Not to worry, Hank has room for seconds and another bite sends Henry around the track so fast, he wins first place. Come the next day, Mr. Viper is gleefully watching the last minute tick by. Where is Porky? He’s coming. He took a little extra time to spend some prize money on a limo for him and Henry. (Even Hank gets a cute little chair) Porky pays the snake-man his due and although angry, he is at least civil enough to thank the pig. Hank then redeems himself to me by giving Viper a bite. (The rich horseflies don’t settle for horse meat.)

Personal Rating: 3

A Gander at Mother Goose

“Remember Little Hiawatha and his bow and arrow?”

 Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Charles McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940. Technical Advisor; Mother Goose. Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Charles McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. Released in 1940. Technical Advisor; Mother Goose.

Sing a song of 10 cents, (A.K.A. a dime.) I feel it’s time to make another post, that is all in rhyme. Nursery rhymes are what today’s featured short is all about. So let’s not waste any more time and just go check it out. Mistress Mary (quite contrary) how does her garden grow? Not so well is what methinks. (“Confidentially” she says “It stinks.”) Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall, and soon poor Humpty takes a great fall. But he lands just fine, and sees no drawback. (Unaware that we can see his “crack”) Jack and Jill climb up a hill to get water in a pail. Jack should now come falling down, but not in this tale. “To heck with the water” he doth speak. (With lipstick markings on his cheek) Miss Muffet sits on her tuffet, to eat curds and whey, when a spider comes down to scare her away. (Why does he have three legs on each of his limbs?) But Muffet’s so ugly that she frightens him. The three little pigs are all on the run. (They could be Porky’s nephews, but he already has one) They hide in a brick house, away from a wolf’s hungry jaw, (Yes this isn’t a nursery rhyme, that’s the short’s biggest flaw) They surrender to the lupine who’s wishing their death. But only because he’s got terrible breath. They offer him mouthwash. (That’s got to sting) He takes it. (“Why don’t my friends tell me these things?”) Star of light, star so bright, a dog wishes on a star at night. His wish comes true. What could it be? Well he IS a dog. He wished for a tree. Jack is nimble and Jack is quick, he jumps over a candlestick. It’s basically the same as the Humpty joke, just with burning butt and no egg yolk. There is an old lady who lives in a shoe, she has so many children, what can she do? She does have a husband, but he’s not there. He’s off relaxing in a lawn chair. Finally, “‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring,” except for a mouse. “Merry Christmas” he whispers merrily to his friend, “QUIET!” he shouts. And thus the short ends.

Personal Rating: 3