Category: Cartoons from the 30’s

This is the time period where Looney Tunes got there start! Things may have gotten off to a slow start, but they soon became the envy of studios everywhere!

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Pagan Moon

“Aloha!”

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Norm Blackburn. A Merrie Melody released on January 31, 1932.

Welcome to paradise! That’s what I call this tropical area our short takes place in, because I have no idea if its based on any real world counterpart! The natives have tannish skin, but white voices. They dance, they sing. The lone female is either a child or a victim of an unplanned mastectomy. I hope for whichever one matches her age to the boy she hangs around with.

He can play a ukulele, which in my book means she can do better than him. Sorry for any offense, but I heard enough of that blasted instrument in high school for me to develop a rest of my lifelong hatred for it. He can also play his mouth. No, that’s not a pretentious term for singing. He puts his palm over his mouth hole and lifts it repeatedly. Kinda makes him sound like a kazoo. That means if he also plays bagpipes, he’s useless for musical purposes.

There’s a monkey and an ape in the trees. So, we can’t be in the Caribbean sea. Even if it’s currently night out, I think their skin would be darker if they were on some African island. That ape doesn’t look like an orangutan. I’m starting to think we’re just at a theme resort made by the clueless types. Wait! I recognize that variety of dancing tree! We were in Afrindiamerica the whole time! I’ve just never seen the colonized part. Anyone would make the same mistake.

Well, it’s time for the characters to receive their complimentary names. Mac and Damia should suffice. Now I can specifically say that Mac loses his ukulele in a crocodile mouth. My wish came true! And Mac isn’t in much danger as this species of Crocodylus is commonly known as the dockodile. Its head remains at the shore, and its body has to stay in water. It can’t just climb out and eat anything, so Mac is safe at half-a-foot away. And since nothing of value was lost, he can leave!

*Sigh* He gets his instrument back. Just needed a stick to keep the jaws from closing. This species of Crocodylus has a very weak bite force, so its… in a sticky situation! (You can’t tell, but I’m smiling now.) Mac leaves for his boat date with Damia. Night is the safest time to do that, as all dangerous animals are diurnal. Even better, I get my wish again when Mac drops the uke overboard. Either God is sending him a message, or I have a wishbone in my body. If power didn’t corrupt, I’d be wishing for a second stomach next.

Mac decides to dive down after it. Cartoon physics said it wouldn’t float, and they were spot-on. Just gotta be wary of the ichthyoids down here. One of which would have been seen earlier that month by theater goers! They must’ve been really proud of that animation! It actually would have been hilarious if they had found a way to stick it in every short released that year. Once at the bottom, Mac realizes this is the graveyard for musical instruments. And the odd caterpillar. Breathing is also not a problem in W.B. cartoons. You could have a rabbit down here and it would be logical!

The problem down here is an octopus. The scary underwater creature until people remembered sharks existed. Mac calms him down with a little piano playing. Looks like the kid isn’t musically incontinent after all! And this silly symphony attracts lots of frolicking fish. Ever an attention hog, the octopus has to take a turn at playing, himself. And he’s quite the talented pianist too! You’d think his arms have neurons in them or something! And everyone is supportive! Even Mac. That’s big, Mac.

Time to flee! A large fish arrives on the scene looking to sea food and eat it. Not necessarily in that order. He’s more flexible than the octopus. Mac doesn’t have a body that’s evolved to move through H2O as easily as he breathes it, so he makes his escape via bubble. Floating is the faster than anything that requires effort. He escapes, but continues to float into the sky. It’s day now, which means he really kept Damia waiting while he screwed around in that octopuses’ garden.

A passing cormorant hates to burst his bubble, but I’m lying. Down Mac goes. Damia, the competent one in this relationship, mounts a rescue abroad a pelican. I know you’re upset, but it’s nothing to lose your arm over. This was smart move, as the bill makes a perfect basket for a perfect catch. Damia joins him for a laugh, in the pelly, with thee. That’s a strong neck the bird has.

Favorite part: The underwater shot of the the couple’s boat. Looked good.

Personal Rating: 2

 

 

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Sniffles and the Bookworm

“Yeeeaaah?”

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Robert McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 2, 1939.

Sniffles has taken refuge in a book shop. It’s got everything one needs; books and shelter. While napping, the second half of the title pops out of a row of books. He’s terrified to see a new creature and flees for help. Sniffles isn’t too bothered by the little guy. His smile suggests he finds him cute. This is their first meeting, so they’ll have a great story to tell each other’s future offspring.

The ‘worm knocks on a book because books are basically stasis pods that house their major characters. He’s scared, sure, but he’s an intellectual and knows a mouse when he sees one. He chooses the Pied Piper to aid him. That guy ain’t afraid of no rodent and walks through the repeating background section of the store to rid the store of vermin. I’m sorry Sniffles, but it is what you are.

It’s then that the insect’s gestures hit him: those weren’t gestures that suggest a small mouse. They were suggesting a big mouse! Or at least a small woodchuck. He’s going to need some help! He chooses a viking. From a history book? Does this mean you could summon anybody from an encyclopedia of famous people and make some kind of extraordinary league? I think Amelia Earhart, Gregor Mendel, and Osamu Tezuka would be nigh unstoppable. Your move, pestilence.

As the three advance, Sniffles follows behind as casually jaunty as can be. When the Bookworm realizes this, he runs over his aides to hide. They follow suit, and once round the corner, finally get a look at the beast. They’re a little miffed about B.W. exaggerating again. You should have seen what happened when he looked in a mirror for the first time. The piper decides to jam with Sniffles and provides him with his own pipe. This gets the nursery rhyme characters singing. But they can shut up now. Is this place telling me I can purchase a four volume set of Porky Pig books? I’ll sell anyone to slavery for that!

B.W. also joins in the festivities once he gets a horn of his own. Now this place is jivin’! There’s no corner of the store our music can’t penetrate! And unfortunately, Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t seem too pleased to be awoken. Really woke up boxy today, too. Like Minecraft Steve spliced himself with a moai. He takes some time getting to everyone, but once he does, everyone flees. (That viking stole Sniffles’s nose!)

As the monster reaches for the Bookworm, Sniffles can’t help shouting out “Stop!” Why, the monster never realized someone would ever challenge him! He chases after the mouse. Sniffles gets rid of him by tripping him over the side of the counter. He’s fictional, so that shouldn’t have hurt him. It was very humane. Finally, Sniffles can go back to resting. The hole B.W. made earlier is gone, leading me to wonder if this was supposed to be a dream.

Maybe it wasn’t, as when the Bookworm pops out again, he gives Sniffles a smooch. Or maybe he’s more friendly in real life? I’ve found most insects are. Those wasps were really swell gals once I decided to not swat them.

Favorite Part: I like how the ‘worm looks when he’s “running” for help. Looks like how scared pancakes do it.

Personal Rating: 2. This isn’t one of their better “book to life” shorts. Barely any unique characters doing anything. The most fun Chuck’s team does is inserting their bosses’ names onto the background books. At least the Bookworm is still pretty cute.

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Dog Gone Modern

*Whimper, whimper, whine*

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Phil Monroe; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on January 14, 1939.

The first appearance of Charles and Joe! If you don’t know who they are, shame on you for not reading any of my previous posts! No, don’t bother looking for any links. It’s not really a punishment if I provide an easy out now is it? If this is genuinely your first time here, I apologize.

There’s an open house that has a unique twist: it’s one of those electronic does-it-itself types that basically does all the living for you. It’s easy, but boring. But easy, so I’d buy it. And hey, open house means open to any species! And if dogs want to see if they’re a good match, I say let them. People aren’t supposed to judge humans who want to remain single, so why can’t dogs get the same treatment? If they can afford it, it’s theirs’!

Charles and Joe decide they might as well take a look. They’re a little spooked that the door opens via electronic eye. There’s a sign right there, you two. Just look to your left! And Charles? Please stop turning a darker shade of brown. You’re not an octopus. And don’t think I don’t notice that white ear, Joe! Honestly, you’re both too old to do these kind of things in public. Maybe you aren’t responsible enough to be homeowners. Take the free tour and get lost.

They manage to figure the door out and enter. Joe is definitely scared, but tries to play things cool. They both jump a bit when a recorded voice welcomes them to this house of tomorrow. They’re free to press any of the buttons they find, as they will start a demonstration of one of the many functions the place provides. Just be careful around the electronic neuterer. It’s still too aggressive. Joe pushes the first button he comes across: the one for the automatic sweeper. It just needs a reason to be called, so the house gets some cigar ash on the ground.

The vaguely humanoid sweeper works wonders. We like to call her “Electronic interior aide” or “Elia” for short. She does her thing, and goes back to her closet, which relieves the dogs. Things without faces aren’t relatable. Joe opts to push another button, this one labeled as “Automatic Control”, but the sign changes when he attempts. Now saying, “I wouldn’t touch that, chum.” Joe is upset, and this proves that at least he can read. Why didn’t you read that electronic eye sign? What and what aren’t you guys capable of?

Charles has made his way to the kitchen and decides to see the electric dish washer in action. He can read too. Maybe it’s this house. It raises the I.Q.’s of all inside it. That makes sense, right? The procedure goes off without a hitch. The dishes are washed, dried, and ready for use. Back with Joe, he decides to hit the switch regardless of warnings. Now saying “O.K. buddy, you asked for it.” the house… opens a panel. Well, what do you expect from about twenty seconds of build-up? Most of which was off screen. Wait, why am I defending such a lame payoff? Because it successfully scared Joe.

Darting into the kitchen, Joe gets the door to smack Charles into the washers grasp. Sucks for the big guy, but at least its gentle enough. Joe then laughs, but I’m not entirely convinced its at his brother/boyfriend/husband/good friend. It looks like he’s amused by the device labeled, “Napkin Folder.” I bet it is the former, but Chuck’s guys really should have made the off screen Charles exist in a different direction. Speaking of the folder, Joe pushes it in his mirth and ends up in a drawer. He doesn’t like it in there. The real napkins make fun of him.

He runs for it as best as he can, knocking Charles back into the dish washer clutches. Too bad that one was operated by a flip-switch. It’ll just keep going and going until it runs out of juice. And I don’t think future houses have that kind of problem. Joe got himself free from the napkin ring by crashing into an ornamental pot. Elia returns, even though her button wasn’t pressed this time. She’s evolving! She proves how advanced she is by making the conscious choice to sweep her debris under the rug and make sure no one caught her. Give her a face and I might be desperate enough to court her!

Joe then finds the best device this shack has to offer: a bone dispenser. He can’t enjoy himself, because it landed on the floor and Elia takes it away. (I saw your torso change color too, missy.) While chasing her, Joe knocks Charles into the washer once more. Can dogs prune? Elia takes refuge in her closest and knocks the pup into an electronic music maker. It looks like a piano with arms, but it has other instruments. And scary heads that sing along. Wanna see my impression of this house? I’m the automatic bowel releaser!

Joe gets knocked around by the instruments and ends up launched into a vase. Once on the floor he realizes who’s coming, and darts off. Guess who he knocks back into what? Wait. Instead, consider this: Elia is out of her closest! Joe finds the bone she stole and takes it back. She isn’t about to let him get away with this, so Joe runs again. Dogs are good at that. He ends up on a rug that flies around the house. Because future. You won’t even need to use an escalator to reach your second story anymore.

Charles has gotten himself free again, and this time tries to skedaddle when he hears Joe’s approach. He gets scooped up on the rug, and both end up landing in the garbage disposal. Don’t worry! The future ones aren’t blenders hidden in your sink. They’re just chutes that lead to the cans. Elia shows up, knowing her target would end up here, but Joe kills her with a hammer to her “head.” He can now enjoy his bone. Nope! Charles has been through the wringer more today, so he keeps it for himself. All that and he’s bigger too!

Favorite Part: The pups have been making dog noises the whole picture. It catches you off guard when Joe laughs like a Mel.

Personal Rating: 2. It’s cute, gotta give it that. But Charles got stuck in a running gag that I don’t think needed to reach a fourth go-around. I like cute Chuck. I adore actually humorous Chuck.

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Clean Pastures

“♫Only half of me wants to be good.”♫

Supervision by I. Freleng; Animation by Phil Monroe and Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on May 22, 1937.

There’s an infinite number of planets out there. (Though it’s probably closer to 3 million and 2.) Besides Earth, there’s a few others that can sustain life, and do, too. Today, we’ll visit this one. The one I’m pointing to. I don’t known the name of it, but it has a land named “Harlem”. I’m pretty sure the inhabitants have visited in the years beyond 3000. Unfortunately, before evolution helped them appear like actual human beings, the folks bore uncanny resemblances to stereotypical African-Americans.

Enjoy small mercies. Such as that the people here aren’t especially dim-witted, or rude, or struggling to survive. Their only sin is an abundance of it! The women dance scantily-clad style. The national sport is tossing dice. Their drinks are all alcoholic. You can’t go sixty seconds without some vice occurring, which means it’s a sin-a-min. around here. Especially in that building sporting the name “-ucking club.” (Uck it, Hayes!)

That’s it for worldly wonders. Let’s set our sights heavenward. Pair-o-dice hasn’t been doing so hot since we last saw them. Bad choices being so fun, combined with temptation making it seem smart is really hitting them in the stocks. The rival Hades company is simply the more popular location these days. If this place doesn’t get some business soon, it’ll get bought out for sure. Then the universe will be out of balance, and is liable to collapse on itself. Lots of legal trouble.

St. Peter needs to drum up some interest, but Gabriel plays trumpet. (Am I really not deleting that?) It’s uncomfortable listening to him as well, since he has that Stepin Fetchit voice. And mannerisms. And a nose that goes full black and an ear that does the opposite. And with those wings acting as limbs, he’s technically classified as a hexapod. But he’s not doing anything important, so he can go down to Harlem and remind people that a life of virtue reaps great rewards! If you’re dead.

Oh wow. Nobody takes him seriously. And I suppose Ben Stein wouldn’t be a good spokes-model for the Disney parks, either. Seems this planet is screwed. Want to try preaching at my world? It’d go just as poorly, but you can use it as vacation time. Peter is going to have fight evil with evil and call in the focus groups. The angels Fats, Cab, Louis, and Jimmie know how to turn everybody around! Turn this place into a rhythm heaven! Music, maestro! That’s how you sell things! Convinced, Peter gives them the job.

Down below, they do their stuff. It’s a catchy number that will also feature in the novelization of this picture. Interest is captured! In fact, the people don’t even want to wait until death. Temptation could always rise up again, you know. They follow the spirits back up. I guess this doesn’t count as suicide. Otherwise Peter wasted so much money on those guys. Who were they working for?

Pair-o-dice is once more the place to be when you’re no longer being. So bursting as the seams are they, that Peter has to put up a “No Vacancy” sign. That’s a lie, but that isn’t a sin up here. I know its a lie because a knock is at the door, and a voice is attached asking for admittance. Peter says there’s always room for one more. Can I trust anything you say?

Favorite Part: The person asking to be let in was Satan. Cute.

Personal Rating: 2. Like all the musical “Censored” the soundtrack is fantastic. Worth viewing for the privilege to listen! And I do like the concept of Heaven trying to sell itself. Quite ironic that many people would say this cartoon is a sin in itself. But maybe you should use your own judgement? And only be allowed to ban your children from viewing if you think it’s as bad as hell.

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Porky’s Picnic

“Well…” “Here…” “We are!”

Porky’s day out.

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Robert Cannon and Vive Risto; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on July 15, 1939.

Porky is off to see his girlfriend. I’ve heard that it’s something you do when you are part of a couple. I really don’t know what to make of the faces he’s making, though. What exactly were you two planning to to today? Does it require privacy? I could talk about Pvt. Snafu if need be. Haven’t done that in a while.

Aww, what the heck. I’ll turn off my disgusting adult brain for the day. At least in terms of sexual innuendos. Porky and Petunia are just a couple of cherubs. Nothing more saucy planned than that titular picnic. (Porky nervously asking if Petunia wants to go to the pic for a parknic is extra adorable.) Always prepared for any activity her sweet chubboo wants to do, Petunia needs less than a second to get a basket and hat. And Pinkie can look after the house!

Yessir, he’s back. I don’t know who he’s related to this time, but Petunia really was going to leave him behind. Maybe she knows how most viewers feel about him? Even I have to admit he’s not as cute today. Chubby piggy bellies are always preferable to those odd nightgown things babies were always shown wearing in cartoons. (The bonnets were never cute.) The adults don’t make too much headway before the kid catches up on his paddle-bike. (I’ll be honest, I don’t know what that kind of toy would be called.)

Their plan for alone time foiled, they bring the piglet along. Porky even promising him a story should the kid behave. It’s that classic one about three bears and a peroxide blonde, as Porky calls her. Which is way less wimpy and childish. Porky tells tales that would make the Grimm’s proud! Pinkie doesn’t give a dang. He pulls at the spike keeping the sidecar he and Petunia are in attached to Porky’s bike. Porky is unaware his guests are traveling down a different road, and a lady never screams for help, so Petunia decides to just let fate take its course.

This road goes parallel to some train tracks, so while Pinkie giggles with glee, Petunia prays that their car will run out of steam before they reach a crossing. No such luck. Good thing in these modern times, the blocking parts are designed to keep the train from crossing the cars path. Not like there on a timetable or anything. And the two make it safely back to Porky just as his tale finishes. (It was really good too! I liked the part where the bears explained how they stole their house from a human couple.) Petunia decides to keep everything a secret, because she doesn’t want Porky to know she is too dainty to save her own life. Makes her less attractive. (And yes, I saw that sign stating Looney Tunes are playing at the community hall. Best town ever!)

The trio arrive at the park. Porky knows what he’s going to do first! What anyone spending time with their soulmate and a young kid would do: nap. I’m learning some great tips on how to be in a relationship! Pinkie decides to amuse himself by participating in squirrel decapitation. Why no, that wasn’t a poor attempt by me to be funny by suggesting barbaric murder attempts are something the kid would naturally do. He grabs some scissors, and tries to separate head from neck. He doesn’t succeed though. Not like the Hayes’ code would have a problem. It’s an important skill kids need to know.

Petunia punishes the brat by telling him to nap as well. But Pinkie would rather partake in his favorite pastime: treating Porky as his personal piñata. My pal laughs it off, but makes it well known that Pinkie’s days are numbered. Maybe even less than that, seeing as how the kid isn’t making another appearance after this. What better way to spend your last day on Earth, than by visiting a zoo? Preferably one where the animals aren’t in cramped cages. So I guess Pinkie will die unhappy unless he can make it to the mid aughts.

Petunia alerts Porky to the problem. She’s just a woman, so she can’t do anything useful other than popping the kids out. May our country join a war and give the girls a chance to prove themselves to prove me wrong. Porky is up to any challenge, and finds the kid napping amidst some cougar cubs. The zookeepers are all on strike until the animals get actual habitats, so Porky enters himself. Mother cougar isn’t pleased to see Porky so near her offspring, and stealing their dinner. Chase time.

She’s a fair feline. When Petunia is about to faint, she patiently waits until Porky has attended to his lady. But this noble gesture just reminds the cat that her mate never did anything of the sort, and resumes the chase enviously angry. But Porky is smart! He decides to just exit the cage, and the murderous mama crashes into the bars. Porky crashes into some mud, but Petunia is more than just a lady, she’s a pig, and she gives the hero the kiss he deserves. Don’t let the mud getting on her and suggesting black face distract you from how cute they are together. It’s hard to believe she started as such a bit*h.

Pinkie tries to get his squirrel head trophy again, but the rodent Conker’s his @$$ with a plank of his own. I’m sure Pinkie’s tears are somebody’s favorite part! But as for me…

Favorite Part: Porky catching Pinkie with the plank and asking what he was going to do. Well, it’s just common courtesy to explain and demonstrate, isn’t it?

Personal Rating: 3. I suppose I’m being too nice, but nobody ever tries to debate me over my scoring, so I must be correct. It’s little touches that I think make it work. (Porky commenting on his “stutter”, combing his “hair”…) And I am a sucker for my favorite couples in fiction, just like all nerds. At least this one is canon!

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Streamlined Greta Green

“Mama!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Cal Dalton and Ken Harris; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on June 19, 1937.

Today’s short takes place in an odd world where automobiles are the dominant life-forms. Post “Maximum Overdrive” they’ve revealed their plans, but pre-“Cars” every meat based creature has been eradicated. It’s a nice middle ground where we’re still sharing the planet, but we humans know our place in this car-dominated society. And the segregation doesn’t stop there. Witness the hall where only Taxi cabs are allowed to dance.

Okay, I did my research and now know what the joke is. It’s just literal now. You know, this world is kind of weird! The cars aren’t limited to driving on all fours; sometimes they get up on two. Tires are rubber, so they can shape themselves to be feet and hands. But boy, does it look unnatural and painful. I’d hate to imagine what the copulating must look like. Of course, I’ll be wondering from now on, since our main character is the result of that. I don’t know enough about vehicles to give him a clever name, so I’ma call him “Royce”.

Royce longs to be a Taxi, because I guess that’s the cool job in car town. I figured the race cars would be the rock stars. And the ambulances make more. So, how do the garbage trucks sell themselves? While I puzzle that, Royce’s mom find him planning for his future. Most parents like to see that, or at least tell their kid to not worry yet. She reacts with anger. No son of hers is going to be a taxi. He will be a touring car, like his dad who doesn’t exist on screen.

Royce refuses and his mom drags him home by his… part of him that the tires go under. (I don’t care.) He’s not to be punished, it’s just time for school. Was he playing with her lipstick? Why are his lips, (or just mouth I guess,) so red? She fixes him some lunch for later: a can of oil maybe?, a jar of traffic jam, (heh) and a thermos of gasoline. (A slightly color-changing thermos.) It’s sweet. I really can’t help but love scenes of parents loving their children. Royce should be grateful to have her.

She puts the meal in his seat, (How is he supposed to get that out?) sends him off with a loving pat, and gives his daily reminders about staying away from traffic and railroad crossings. (Her right rear axle keeps disappearing.) I do love Royce’s pouty face. On his way, he comes to what many of us only come to figuratively in our lives: a crossroads. One way goes to school, the other, the city. He hardly hesitates before choosing the latter. It’s closer! Maybe if his mom left his gas where he could actually get it, he could make longer trips.

The city is louder and less friendly. Royce should be glad there are no cops around. He shouldn’t be on the sidewalk. (Why even still have those?) He waits for the light to turn red, then gets on the road himself. Cars don’t have as many complex emotions as we do, so when the light is green, those behind him drive as if he wasn’t there. Good thing he just slides over them. Seems traffic was as dangerous as mom said. He manages to take refuge in a marked safety zone and gets a brilliant idea: carry it with him to be invincible. Gravity is the only foe he can’t conquer with that, so he falls into an open man-, excuse me, I mean car hole. (Egotists.)

Royce decides to make a stop at a service station for a drink. The human slave manning the place has many delicious flavors on hand: rose, violet, ethel. (Shouldn’t that be ethANOl?) Royce selects the Hi-power stuff. Probably not the best drink for minors, but the slave is not allowed to talk back to his overlords, and just comments on how strong the stuff is. And how! He basically gave the kid steroids. Royce is so fast, he could win a Piston cup before they’re even invented!

This speed stuff is great! In fact, disobeying his mom is what got him full of it, so he might as well go against her other wish and screw around by the railroad tracks. (The trains don’t seem to be sentient yet. Do you really care why?) Driving alongside it, he darts ahead and just barely passes in front of it at the nearest crossing. That was fun! Again! Wow, twice as fun that time! Again! Ah, if only poor little Royce listened to his body. He’s burning through that fuel faster than he’s traveling and he runs out right on the tracks. No fake-out crash for him. The train mows him down.

Now we see why the cars continue to keep us around: our fingers make us excellent mechanics. Royce’s stricken mother can only wait outside while her baby possibly gets patched up, possibly gets rebuilt as her daughter. Not to worry though, the surgery was a success! Royce leaps with a sudden jump into her loving wheels. (Was a cel lost?) She’s happy he’s still running, but like any good parent, scolds him for disobeying her. Royce doesn’t want to hear it, and runs off to race the next train.

Even though he’s out of speed juice, he makes it through unscathed. (Just ignore his bandage disappearing and reappearing. I’ll notice it for you.) He taunts, unaware that he’s on more tracks. And he’s mowed down again. This time it really is a fake-out! Those mechanics have earned another week of life, seeing as how the train ends up looking like I expect Royce did earlier.

Favorite Part: Royce encounters a road hog when racing the train. It’s a literal pig. Only adds more confusion to what this world is, but I like swine.

Personal Rating: 2. The world is still weird! And isn’t even able to function without humans, so the immersion kind of shatters for me. Not to mention the cars uncanny appearance when they walk. I gave it an extra point for the imagination it did have, and the mom car. Royce doesn’t deserve her.

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Buddy of the Legion

“Don’t never do that!”

Supervision by Ben Hardaway; Musical Score, Bernard Brown; Animation by Bob Clampett and Charles Jones. A Looney Tune released on April 4, 1935.

Ye Olde Book Shoppe is hiring. For a boy, specifically. Anyone care to fill us in on what that entails? Obviously, its for males, but are they supposed to be minors so they can pay them less? While I puzzled, Buddy decided to accept the offer and apply. The owner has him go through the application process: removing his hat. I don’t see any lice, and his biceps are almost visible. He’s hired! He can start with some light dusting.

Buddy utilizes his power to rub a feather duster over the sitting parts of lady statues and cat anuses. Buddy belongs on a list. He also likes torturing small animals, as he takes a fish out of its bowl to give it the same treatment. Buddy belongs in hell. His boss is stepping out. Lunch I guess. Maybe brunch. Maybe she’s leaving right as brunch is almost up, so she can order that, then stay for the lunch menu. Women eat. I actually find it attractive when they’re not worried about their weight. But this isn’t about me.

Buddys next task is to put some of the books away. Why were they left out at all? Did the boss get them out of a box, then decide she was too important to place them on a shelf? Was it those rambunctious teens who’s idea of a good time is to take books off shelves, but NOT read them? Are they just books she set aside to give Buddy something to do that isn’t perverted and cruel? Trying to get them all in one handful sends them flying out of his grasp. I feel this pain. Try the vertical stack. You can’t see your destination, but the books are more stable.

Cue insect. I see stripes and a proboscis, so I’ve narrowed it down to bee, fly or bee fly. Eh, narrow it down further to the last too, as Buddy isn’t afraid of potential venom injection. Swatting at the innocent creature makes him lose his grip and the books are on the floor once more. One opens to a picture of a foreign legionnaire, and Buddy is interested. Forgoing his duties, he reads on further of exotic African lands full of sexy ladies and Amazons. Wait… Were they an actual threat out there?

Imagination make existence better! Buddy sees himself as leader of the troops and marches them through the sands. I’ve never been to Africa, but I’m guessing marching in its deserts aren’t nearly as fun as cartoons make them out to be. Unless you find solifuges. But I’m still wondering about dangerous Amazons. What are the odds of them being- There’s an outpost of them right over there, isn’t there? They’re big and brawny, and not too attractive. To me, at least. That doesn’t mean they don’t have fans.

Their prisoners are not among those fans. They have men captured and are forcing them to do the most demeaning, dehumanizing, demented, task imaginable: laundry. A toast to my mother who always did that without losing her sanity. She was my favorite superhero until I discovered the Powerpuff Girls. If the book hadn’t given Buddy reason to imagine this setting, I’d be thinking he had major hangups with his boss that he’s known for less than a moment. (90 seconds.)

These ladies spend most of their time smoking. It’s all they’ve got when the solifuges aren’t around. Their outfits alter on their bodies, and their hookahs change color, so they can comfortably be considered ‘bad guys’. I don’t make the rules, I just create them. Apart from coloring their lungs, they keep lookouts for more victims. They lose so many due to extreme thirst making them take a gulp of lye water. But what are the odds- There’s a fresh batch within telescope distance, isn’t there?

The leader knows how to get the males to her lair. She has what a lot of straight men consider attractive on her side: a curvaceous woman without girth and zero language. And in the desert, lust always beats the hookah juice out of love. To keep this beauty fresh and ageless, she is preserved as a mummy when not in use. I don’t get it. Were we supposed to think she was going to sic an actual mummy on them? I was too busy looking at the guy in blackface. How come he doesn’t have to wash? (And if you say it’s because she doesn’t want her whites mixed with colors, I swear…)

The trap flies out via magic carpet, (Buddy, your imagination is getting cultures confused.) and she starts her stuff. Her dancing is entrancing, and she’s probably giving off pheromones as well. The Hayes code won’t be able to tell what we’re suggesting if we have the soldiers’ necks extend. One by one, Buddy’s troops fall out of rank, and follow the beauty. Buddy was immune, because he’s just a boy and thinks girls have crabs.

When the flies enter the spider’s parlor, they are punched to put them in their place. Although Buddy seems to appear mere milliseconds later, he finds them all at work, washing as if they’ve been at it for days. Buddy makes use of his small stature to trick his pursuers into too small holes, and to hide under things that are at the perfect height to smack the Amazon’s in the face. And all this time, I was wondering why you weren’t imagining yourself taller. Then the sneak attack gets him, and he is lightly shaken.

Because in reality, his boss has returned and isn’t pleased to find him reading the wares. You’d think he’d get a smidge of leeway on his first day, but no. Not at all. He is kicked from the premises but couldn’t give less of a crap. There are plenty more places to get fired from, and he’s not going to find them sitting on the sidewalk.

Favorite Part: I didn’t mention that Buddy’s brigade also has a camel. It’s also punched in the lady lair, but has enough to stamina to throw some punches in retaliation. Before just laying down with a ‘Why am I even trying?’ expression.

Personal Rating: 1. Why isn’t Buddy just part of the legion? I guess it makes it a bit different from other pictures in this location, but that gets you so far and not farther. Add in some sexism, offensively gay undertones, and a bland character and you have something that doesn’t age well. (Good thing the leader doesn’t use those as preservatives.)

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Porky the Giant Killer

“Everything s-seems to happen to me.”

If father wants another, there’s a place I know…

Supervision by Ben Hardaway and Cal Dalton; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by Gil Turner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on November 18, 1940.

It seems like a parade is passing through town, but Porky is ever the inquisitive type, so he won’t leave that possibility to chance. He joins the march to ask where they’re going and learns that this is a giant killing party. They’d normally send a tailor, but Porky’s name is in the title. He’s never killed a giant before, but he aims to ruin that perfect record. He’s coming along too, and I admit to feeling safer now. I’ll get a good night’s sleep knowing Porky is always looking out for me. He’s like God, but without all that “mysterious ways” bull.

But seriously, why do we want to kill the giant? Is he a bully? Or has he crushed somebody? Intentionally or not, that’s rather serious. Could it be that his mass is throwing the planet off its orbit and we’re doomed regardless but we’ll die happy knowing we made him bleed internally? No, his crime is even more despicable. He’s castle crashing. It’s never stated, but I’m kind of a smarty. The castle is not built with his scale in mind. This is no mistake on the background artists part; it was purposefully done. The giant has to sleep on various pieces of furniture. You don’t do that by choice.

Don’t be too mean, though. He may be a bad guy because our mob says so, but somebody loved him once. He’s a single parent, and a loving one too. Now me, I’m the type of oddity who thinks scorplings are adorable. With that said, his baby is ugly. But I’m not saying it to the kid’s face, so the figurative s.o.b. is nicer than the literal one. And come on now, any real parent doesn’t need the approval of guys they don’t know or like even like. If the parent thinks they have a cute kid, let them believe it.

The baby has just been put down for a nap and father tries to follow suit, but mobs aren’t designed for silence. Papa can tell there’s someone on the premises. He doesn’t sound too angry. Just a little annoyed that people are trespassing on property he called dibs on. Reminding us that mobs are cowards and wimps, everyone flees at his voice. Porky is stuck behind because they locked the door. Actually, how did the giant get in here? Crawling? You know, I think waiting for him to starve is a pretty sweet solution. Less effort is always awesome. That’s what the world’s been teaching most days.

Trapped with a monster in an enclosed space. Porky is like Theseus, but better. Pigs are always better. Even when a layering mix-up happens and Porky’s right leg appears to be superimposed on a pillar? Even then. Looking for a hiding place, Porky ends up in the baby’s cradle. Curious little creature, ain’t he? Instead of crying over being disturbed, he tries to grab Porky who switched to hiding underneath the cradle. Then he bites the kid’s hand. Gross, but awesome. Show him who’s boss!

It may have hurt, but sucking on the finger cures all. And exposes the baby to any diseases Porky might have been carrying. But that’s a long-term solution to this problem, so Porky has to babysit in the meanwhile. He plays games, gives bottles, and reminds the child that if he wasn’t an infant, Porky wouldn’t be showing mercy. Biting doesn’t count. All kids should get bitten by something before they turn five. Helps them realize that the world doesn’t care, life hurts, and I promised I wouldn’t talk like this again, didn’t I?

Now, do any longtime readers know what the worst aspect of children is? Do any longtime readers exist? Answers: 1. They are loud and not in a pleasant way. 2. If there are, they’re very shy. The kid will not shut up. Porky is able to calm him down by playing the baby’s piano and singing him the English alphabet. It’s a pretty catchy song disguised as a lesson. Why hasn’t anybody invented one for the numerical digits? Answer: 1. Because nobody really likes math. Anyone who says they do, are really just enjoying the fact they were able to conquer it.

As any good parent would, papa was attracted by his son’s cries. He’s pleased to see Porky entertaining his child and tries to get him to come talk. He doesn’t actually use words, and Porky is still afraid of him, so a chase through the castle begins. Porky ducks out a window, but the giant’s arms pull the same trick, leaving him stuck between the two. They make a grab, but Porky slips through the grasp and lands in the moat below. Too bad the panic is making him forget he’s a swim champion. Shore is just right there!

The giant appears and drinks the moat. With Porky high and dry – except he’s not really either, – the giant captures him. His plan? For Porky to sing him and his son to sleep. The downside is that he isn’t allowed to leave. Should’ve just talked when you had the chance, pal. You might have gotten paid. See you at visiting hours.

Favorite Part: Porky throwing a ball in the child’s face. I’m allowed to laugh because it happens after Porky tells the baby he won’t hurt him, and I’m pretty sure he was just trying to instigate a game of catch. That’s our loophole, your honor.

Personal Rating: 3. Some might argue it should be a two, but they don’t count.

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Cinderella meets Fella

“I guess I got my dates mixed.”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 23, 1938.

That Avery and his parodies. Twisting them enough to make a pretzel blush. If “Red Hot Riding Hood” is his best one, then this is his most pure. By which I mean he leaves the story relatively intact, then squeezes a gag into most every shot. It’s great for everybody who has heard the story before, and you know we have.

A royal ball is being held and ladies from all around are headed there for dancing, then to Sweeney’s for a bite to eat. There’s only one staying home, and it isn’t by choice. Cinderella is told by her step-family to stay behind. And that may be for the best. Look at her. Listen to her. She’s only not a minor because the plot says she isn’t. And I don’t normally listen to him. Cindy has a nice gascandle to warm herself by, so it isn’t all bad. I can think of worse ways to spend a Friday night at nine.

Nine? Where is that fairy godmother? Things can’t wait, so Cindy phones the cops and they promise to search every spot in town she could be: bars, taverns, watering holes, moonshine porches, and liquor cabinets. They know what they’re dealing with and bring the old bat right over. I wouldn’t rely on this broad. It isn’t because of her color changing dress, and gloves that disappear when her hands are in closeup; and it isn’t because the best transportation she can magic up is a stagecoach; it’s because we have a history, her and I. I asked her to bring “The Muppet Show” back and have me be the special guest star, and she only granted the first half!

‘Rella gets to the ball in one piece. I can’t say the same for her ‘steps’. They probably ignored the sign saying ‘Do not feed Cracker’. (He’s the crocodile in the moat.) Everyone agrees that she is attractive, so either she really is of age, or everyone is going to join me in hell. Then the prince shows up. His given name is ‘Charming’ but I like ‘Chow-mein’ better and he does too. But you could call him ‘Egghead’ and I wouldn’t correct you. It’s love at first sight for the two, and making like Disney, we even get a musical number. (“Boy meets Girl.”)

Weirdly enough, I actually buy them as a couple. ‘Rella has spent her life treated like mosquito crap, and the prince is a clumsy klutz who isn’t much to look at, doesn’t look like he belongs in this time period, and whose head isn’t even attached very well. (Now let me tell you what I don’t like about him.) Yet, they are both kindhearted individuals who can see the outer beauty in her, and the inner beauty in him. I guess I just have a soft spot for the somewhat pathetic guy getting any kind of action. And there’s nothing wrong with them planning the wedding already. It’s the right time to do so in a fairy tale.

Cindy wasn’t given any curfew, but the story dictates that she flees the premises at midnight, so she does. Chow-mein chases after her, running through another couple as he does. (I don’t think Avery meant for that to happen. Not without a reaction, anyway.) He could try and identify her by fitting her foot to her shoe, but everyone everywhere has pointed out why that wouldn’t work. He just searches manually all around the town. The house lit up with neon advertised as her living quarters might be a good place to look. But is it too obvious?

He searches every nook, cranny, crook and hiding spot in the place, whether or not she’d actually be within. (Cuckoos from the clock (one of whom can disappear): “Now you know she wouldn’t be in here!”) All he can find is a note from her saying that she couldn’t wait for him, and went to the movies. He cries. Can you blame him? The most amazing girl ever; witty, pretty, artsy, smartsy, kind, refined, tough enough, and supportive, just gone without a trace! He never got to tell her he loved her once more! He never got to say goodbye! Now he’ll spend the rest of his days alone and waste his remaining life holding onto the past! And now some jerk in audience is blocking my view!

I kid. It’s Cinderella! Always watching over her pitiable man anyway she can. The two are reunited and decide to step out of the iris-in and stay in our real world. They know that it doesn’t matter where you live if you have someone who completes you, and Chow-mein would probably dump her for the next girl he sees should he remain in pictures.

Favorite Part: Cindy is savvy to her story, even if her beau doesn’t follow the rules: she doesn’t lose her slipper, she makes sure to place it down in front of his face. Now he won’t trip over it.

Personal Rating: 4. Charming is the word of the day! Non-stop gags that still manage to fit around a sweet love story are beloved. It worked in “Shrek 2”, too!

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Buddy’s Lost World

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Sandy Walker; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on May 18, 1935.

Buddy and Bozo are setting off on an expedition to find a lost world. If you know it exists, is it really considered “lost”? I ask because I care. I’m not the only one. Look at those crowds seeing the two off! They’re either well wishers or scientists. Yep. Definitely none of them are just happy to see Buddy leave and hopefully never come back. That would be a shame. And where’s Cookie?

After traveling for hours I guess, the two explorers spot land. Good thing, as a dog can’t live of human meat for long. Pro tip: bring something to eat when you plan to travel somewhere that probably doesn’t have a 7-11. After getting back to the soil, Buddy checks his map to confirm this is a lost island. He has a map of this place? So, no, it isn’t “lost”. Buddy is just trying to take credit for something the vikings already did. Considering what tomorrow is, do you still wonder why I chose this short?

Bozo starts to sniff and immediately finds a new type of creature that camouflages itself as humanoid footprints. It works great when actual footprints are nearby. Bozo is lucky he found the last of them! While following the fauxprints (Podiprintus incognito) Bozo walks between some fascinating tree trunks. I know I saw a similar gag in the Mickey cartoon “The Moose Hunt”. I’d be happy to call it a coincidence, if the sauropod didn’t start sniffing along after. This is an homage! And a scientific breakthrough! An extant madeupasaurus! The only thing bigger would be finding a live coelacanth.

As Bozo flees, it happens to come across the real inhabitants of this land: humans. Humans that still display some animalistic characteristics, such as burying bones. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was supposed to be a dog with a human face or not, until it refused to get a whiff of Bozo’s scent glands. (Hey, it looked like that was where Mr. King was going with this.) Bozo isn’t a thief, and tries digging up something for himself. The bone he finds still has a majority of its friends with it, and he ends up trapped in a rib cage.

Buddy to the rescue. (He’s been documenting plants.) Help the poor puppy out, would ya? Those whines sound too authentic to be funny. Once he’s taken care of it, Buddy finally catches sight of the human. Forgetting any trepidation he had earlier, Bozo gives chase. Turns out, running on all fours was the most natural way these people could have evolved. It not only makes them twice as fast, but keeps them from developing tools. The first step towards war.

The chase leads to a… chamber. Maybe it’s a hollowed out tree? And the primitive door keeps Buddy out. Not really understanding how doors work all of a sudden, Buddy just calls for the canine to come out. He… he can’t hear you. And excess noise is just alerting predatoooooors. Here we see another marvel of nature. A type of plant that grows in front of these entrances, and feeds on the ones who don’t get shelter. One organism gets fed, and the other gets rid of competition for mates. Perfect mutualism! Buddy is plant food. I’m sure some people are glad he finally found his purpose.

Evolution hasn’t really perfected this plant yet. Instead of having a chamber in which the prey can drown and dissolve, they just go straight to the roots. This works great if the roots come out under ground and the victim has no alternative to inhaling sediment, but this plant has been growing awhile and its roots are starting to poke out of a cliff face. Buddy peers down and sees the sort of lifestyle these primitive humans have. It’s a male dominated society, because hayes code forbid we get to see sexy, stone-age sluts. The hierarchy is built on some kind of rules: you’re either the mount or the rider during croquet. (Or if that effeminate voice is any indication, this is just the village of homosexuals.)

Buddy tries to climb down a tree trunk to get a closer look, but its a sauropod again. Good thing they are vegetarian, and more importantly, friendly. I want one. Having fun feeding an animal, (which really is fun, if not ethical) he doesn’t notice some people have taken notice. … Of him. He’s too busy showing off his superpower: the ability to completely disappear for half a second. It astounds those who can’t blink. The men plan to capture Buddy, and they have just the bait to lure him in: Bozo! They set him on a human-sized mousetrap, a human trap, basically,  and let his cries do the rest.

Buddy falls for it. Oh, I’m sure he would have recognized it as a trap if was smaller and not effective. Not a trap, basically. With the two caught: it’s time to eat them. You know, why do natives always want to eat new people? They obviously don’t fear them, or they’d just kill them and leave them alone. No, it’s always got to be a soup. Maybe they’re just susceptible to colds? Buddy doesn’t try to climb out, because that would be rude. All he can do is call for help and hope one of the nonexistent ladies will find him cute. It may sound kinky, but I’d also choose being a pet over a dinner. (Unless their killing method was fast and painless, of course.)

His cries find the ears of his dinosaurian friend. He’s grown considerably, given the scale he is to the dwellings. And look at that neck! It wasn’t that thick before. And now look at the bottom of the screen. Where did that rock come from? Is it the source of Buddy’s invis-ability? With the natives gone, Buddy’s animal friends shower him with kisses. I bet when he gets back to his boat, he’ll find a different plant ate it.

Favorite Part: When Buddy leaves on his journey. He doesn’t notice his boat is still tied to the dock, and it falls apart dumping everyone into the water. Yes, by “accident” I’m sure.

Personal Rating: 2. You can’t do much wrong with a lost world idea, but why focus on the humans? Why would humans even be there? Apart from the fact it ages more tastefully, there’s no reason the land can’t be Africa and the helper, an elephant.