Category: Cartoons from the 30’s

This is the time period where Looney Tunes got there start! Things may have gotten off to a slow start, but they soon became the envy of studios everywhere!

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Crosby, Columbo and Vallee

“Yoohoo, Minniehaha!”

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Max Maxwell. A Merrie Melody released on March 19, 1932.

The natives aren’t happy. Seems there are three crooners around anymore and they’re attracting all of their *ahem* squaws. Oh, why should I feel uncomfortable watching this? Thanks to the lack of spectrum, you can’t prove these are supposed to be redskins. And really, they’re not even going to feature in the picture. Let them complain, the sourpusses. I’m going to follow the first grayskin I come across no matter how boring of a cartoon that turns out.

Target sighted. Mickeyhaha is the star now. And looking at that long moniker I just gave him, I’m already regretting every choice in my life. They all led me here! Takes me back to my first decision I ever made: whether or not to breathe. I chose wrong back then, too. Let me overreact! It’s the closest I’ll ever come to being a VA! Can you tell that this picture isn’t giving me a lot to work with? Light on plot AND humor. At least the title song is catchy enough.

Mick gets his girlfriend/girl friend, who I’ll call Minn for short. Or just Minn, because that’s even shorter. Mick’s got a radio to play which means they can dance to diegetic sound for a change. It just requires a spider to stand on it to power the thing up. Because the web looks like a cord? I won’t dwell on it because I’d rather do what I’m really good at: pointing out animation errors. Look! Disappearing feather!

Everything with a soul loves music, ergo, all the woodland critters that have come to join the fun. Including some kind of bear dog that goes as far as to give a Vallee impression. And I can hear a Crosby impression! Who wants to be Columbo? Anybody? Anybody at all? It’s an unsung honor. Well anyway, we need some sort of antagonist in this cartoon. Let’s think. What’s something everybody knows about, everybody instinctually fears, and if it’s ever represented in an animated work at all, starts out misunderstood by the other protagonists?

It’s fire all right. It’s always fire. The music gets the flames jumping out of their pit and all over the forest. There isn’t any casualties as far as I can tell, but three nestlings are stuck up a tree with no way to get down, sans gravity of course, but that way hurts. Mick gets some assistance from some fire flies, and I don’t mean *Dear future me, don’t forget to actually quote your post of “Joe Glow the Firefly“*. Using a stray spider web, they make a safety net for the birds. Too bad the fire still succeeds in singing their feathers off. Mick takes care of it by spitting on that one flame.

Well, the forest is still ablaze, and all the grayskins are probably going to end up homeless, but Mick feels he won, so the picture ends here. Happ-… Miser-… Ending. It’s an ending for sure.

Favorite Part: Be sure to actually look at the fores animals that gather to enjoy the music. One of them is Foxy! What a fun cameo!

Personal Rating: 1. They don’t do anything creative or fun with their chosen cast, it’s just a standard rubber-hose dance party. And I didn’t want to mention it, but Minn is topless the whole time. Nippleless, but still…

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The Lady in Red

‘Smoke El Cigarro’

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Robert McKimson and Ben Clopton. A Merrie Melody released on September 7, 1935.

Manuel’s cafe is closed for the day. He’s a blood-hungry psychopath who likes to watch bull fights. I bet it’s where he gets all his meat. Well, I think I’ll break into his establishment and vandalize the place in memory of my bull friends. I won’t be alone; his place is crawling with cucarachas. This might lead you to believe that it isn’t a very sanitary place. But, no. That’s not it. What it means is that Manuel built his cafe in a habitat that was already perfect for roaches. And he made it better by giving them access to more food.

If you still doubt, then yes, I am one of those crazy animal lovers who found roaches cute before I saw “Twilight of the Cockroaches.” I can’t help it. The way they try to scurry to dark spaces reminds me of a child under their blankets, and my maternal instincts do the rest. I’ll never get a woman, but if she wouldn’t accept this part of me, we wouldn’t last anyway.

The cockroaches enjoy a good meal when they use their food as sustenance, and a good sport when they use it as a plaything. Olives make splendid bowling balls, and root vegetables function as pins. (Gasp! That one disappeared! It’s a vanish radish!) Peas are more suited as tennis balls, and that’s really about it. Other spheroid foods are too big to be used in their games/ aren’t on the menu. Otherwise, they’d be using gumballs as the billiard variety.

Since they prefer the dark, nightclubs are an essential part of the community. You can dance, you can listen to Roachy Vallee sing, and you hear the musical instruments. (It’s hard being a pipe player. You tend to get cancer.) One of the star performers is our titular character. And she’s a right cutie, too. Admit it, you want to dance with Jessica Roach too. No need to be shy. Not like the scarecrow-ch in the audience. He faints at her beauty. He better be able to protect her from some dangerous animal if he ever wants a chance with the roach in red.

Manuel also has a parrot. I don’t think he loves it as much as he could, because its cage is minuscule. I took the lock off, so the poor guy can stretch his wings should he choose to. And if he wants to eat some roach meat, I won’t interfere. Part of being an animal lover is accepting the fact that some of them have to eat the others to survive. The animals accept that part about me. The bird pulls Jessica out of the club, and a chase ensues. He can be a little scary. He’s not anthro, and his screeches sound legit. If you were an insect, you’d void your cloaca.

But not the scarecrow-ch! He finds his courage and manages to chase the parrot off by lighting the stove the bird’s standing on. Poor thing flies away from where the cock-a-roaches dance and wallow in romance. At least his burning tail feathers can let him spell out the end. Even while dying, he’s a clever bird.

Favorite Part: The guy playing the peanuts as if they were maracas. He’s got a mad smile that tells me he has fun with his job.

Personal Rating: 2.

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The Merry old Soul

“Daddy!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Riley Thompson; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on August 17, 1935.

For many of us, life equates to misery. And being social creatures, misery is subtracted by keeping company. Therefore, the only way you’ll ever be happy in life is to get married. (Note: this is not exact science. Many people are even more depressed after tying the knot. I actually know nothing about happiness, joy or cheer.)

Even someone as merry as King Cole is just faking it most of the time. Pipes and bowls do nothing for his mood. Even his fiddlers would rather stick just with themselves. That’s why they got a bow that can play all three of their fiddles at once. Now, they never have to part. Good thing he’s a king! Ladies love powerful types. Even better, his kingdom is full of wonderful bachelorettes. The winner of the regal roulette is none other than the woman formerly known as the little old lady who lived in a shoe. Now she’s going by Mrs. Cole.

Everyone is happy for the couple. Humpty, Spoon, and Dish are so glad that their lips almost slip off their faces. Talk about mouthing off. Others were so gleeful that they cloned themselves so the background could repeat if necessary. It’s close enough that I don’t think casual viewers will notice. And Puss in Boots shouldn’t be here. He’s a fairy tale character! No, they are not the same thing as nursery rhymes. Either choose one, or you’ll have to say they live in a world of nursery tales. And no one wants that.

With the ceremony over at long last, now Cole can get to know his wife. He clearly never read her life story like the rest of us, since he’s surprised to find that now HE has so many children; he doesn’t know what to do. Who would have thought that getting married meant you’d have to share responsibilities? Actually, why would he think that? Being a king means he has servants to do things like that. And why aren’t they living in his castle? Is a shoe that much of an upgrade? It’s not even real leather.

And so, Cole is now worse off then he’s ever been. Even his three-way fiddlers gleefully sing about how lousy his life is. I won’t lie, it got a smile out of me. And I’m the morose one! His main duties are caring for the youngest ones. Mrs. Cole is no longer in the picture, so you can assume she married him to have a babysitting cuckold, and I’ll assume that she’s busy caring for the older ones. I like to imagine that all marriages work out, and the two involved never stop enjoying each other’s company.

Caring for these babies means giving them a good bath. Scrub them down, then let them rinse off in a lazy river. It looks soothing to me. Well, not that automatic ear cleaner. That’s a good way to spread infections. Next, drying and powdering. Sometimes the kids have hair, sometimes they don’t. They must’ve gotten it from their biological father. Now, which nursery tale character could he have been? Can I make him up?

Jeremiah Dread, sucked his hair into his head, which then gave a little tickle to his brain. Filled with mirthful glee, he then rolled into the sea, and we never, ever, spoke of him again.

Answers all my questions.

The next step seems pointless: Cole uses balloons to float the infants over to the next conveyor belt. What’s the point of that? Just giving them a little knees breeze before their loins are once more imprisoned in their diapers? Then you slip them into pajamas and they’re ready for bed. They like to have a lullaby while they’re rocked, and don’t dare try to sneak off before the rem cycle. They’ll scream. When they finally snooze, Cole decides to take a breather himself. But two tykes aren’t unconscious…

It’s Nip and Tuck. They’re the naughty ones. They start the rocker up full blast, which not only shakes their siblings awake, but flings them onto Cole. He joins them in their bawling. The end.

That was a depressing ending. But it’s relatable, right folks? I guess we’ve all learned that true happiness can only be achieved by childless couples. With a dog.

Favorite Part: I have a strange sense of humor. I thought it was funny that three of their children aren’t Winken, Blinken, and Nod. Rather four of their children are Winken, Blinken, AND, and Nod. It’s abstractly cruel.

Personal Rating: 1. Putting aside the unpleasant finale, it’s mostly nothing but a baby factory picture. We’ve seen that before, but better, and later, but fantastic.

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Buddy Steps Out

“Blow your nosey.”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Charles Jones and Robert Clampett; Music by Bernard Brown. A Looney Tune released on July 20, 1935.

Well, somebody looks like they’re getting ready for a good time. It’s Cookie, looking way more like Betty Boop than Cookie Phudd. Definitely makes her look more grown up than usual, but she’s got that counterintuitive Bernice Hansen voice that just begs to belong to child characters. Speaking of children, Buddy looks way, way, (P.S. WAY) too young for her. She’s got a full head of height on him, and mixed with his baby face, he just looks like her little brother playing grown-up. (Whatever did happen to him?)

As the title suggests, they step out. And it would be really rude of us to follow along on their private time, so let’s stay behind. Cookie’s got a canary. What more do you need to be entertained? (I’m so boring, but I’m… happy?) Too bad Cookie couldn’t bother buying a better cage for the little guy. I don’t care how “great” a depression is, buying an animal is a commitment. If you can’t guarantee a comfortable, enjoyable, meaningful life, then you shouldn’t have a pet. (And yes, that’s why this animal lover doesn’t have a parrot, tortoise and rat.)

In other words, the bird slips out of his cage and out the open window. (Burglars love Cookie’s place. She even leaves out plates of her namesake for them.) He could potentially get back in, but its cold outside and the picture of Buddy on the desk can’t stand it. So, for the second time in the picture, Buddy steps out. With some extra muscle from an Atlas figurine, (or whatever you wanna call what a statue has) the house returns to warmer times. The poor canary realizes how good he had it by this point, but can’t enter a closed window! Buddy has moved on from torturing lower life forms, it seems.

Good thing the photo isn’t really the real Buddy. He brings the bird back in, and not a moment too soon. Little fella is frozen solid. Little Buddy solves this by placing the canary in an ash tray, and igniting a lighter underneath. Because he has all the evil thoughts of the original Buddy! Why should Cookie share her love with any other creature? I know this is killing the bird because its starting to hiccup. Just like everything does on deaths door.

Fine, it works. Sue me. (You do know how to contact me, right?) The bird is all better which means its party time. Original Buddy shouldn’t be the only one allowed to have a good time. Let’s have all the printed mascot characters in the house join in! Don’t you wish you could join in the joy of suddenly having a new dimension to move through? The girls on the soup can sing, and so does a Proto-Porky on a ham. Fittingly though, he does so in his native tongue: (say it with me) Pig Latin! Even an insect joins in the singing sesh. Quick, Henry, the Flik! It’ll teach him to join in things he wasn’t invited to.

Jiggers! The couple! Everybody had better get back to their places because Cookie is going to have a fit if she has to look after so many little ones. That means canary goes in cage, and Little Buddy gets back in his frame. Original Buddy has to see his girl off with nothing more than a kiss on the hand. Little Buddy, on the other one, gets way more action. Cookie plants four times the kisses on the photo version. On his face, yet. Being a photograph rocks. And we have Beans seeing us off. A subtle way of telling us that Buddy’s days are numbered. (Proto-Porky actually appearing in the story says the same thing about Beans.)

Favorite Part: The animals that “Flik” is said to kill include bugs, ants, slugs and snails. Oddly specific, but it’s like the animators were looking into the future saying: “Yes, Dr. Foolio, we DO know that ‘bugs’ ISN’T supposed to be a catch-all term for insects. Our made-up product won’t cause any lasting harm to beetles, roaches, flies or caterpillars. Just aphids, cicadas and water striders.”

Personal Rating: Well, I was going to give it a 3, for being fairly entertaining as far as Buddy cartoons go, but realized that it’s just another “products coming to life” picture that W.B. has no shortage of. Most if not all are better ones. If you only like the best in that category, then it’s a 2.

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Dangerous Dan McFoo

“What a pretty GIRL, WOW!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 15, 1939.

When done right, parodies are tons of fun! Such is the case with this picture. You don’t even have to know what’s being parodied to enjoy your self. So… does that actually make it a failure as a parody? I don’t mean to besmirch you, Tex! It’s just a talent I have.

Now, the Malibu Saloon may seem silent, but that’s an untrue fact.  If you don’t blink then you will catch the patrons’ whooping act. I wouldn’t doubt that any of them are hounds of hell, since everyone is an anthropomorphic canine. Our titular character is a gambling Dan who’s playing a game of pachinko. His voice is what we in the biz like to call comedy gold that you should really create a character for. I say we take that Egghead character who just barely had his last appearance, and develop him into a new vessel for these golden pipes. It’ll get gweat wesults!

Then, out of the night, and out of the cold, and into our humble saloon, there stumbled a dirty dog type guy, who really makes this ‘toon. Oh, man. I don’t know who this guy is, or what brought him here or how he takes his coffee, but I’m instantly in love with him. You shouldn’t inherently think Tourette syndrome is funny, but you don’t have much of a choice here. It’s like Dan Backslide as a furry, and how could you say no to that? Since we have a one Dan limit in here, I’m calling him Don Barkslide.

Even if we don’t know his tale, we know what he’s here to do. He’s got his eyes fixated on Dan’s lady, known as Sue. The spitting image of Bette Davis! You don’t see it? Just squint a little… there you go! But he’ll have to settle for being friends at best because she’s loyal to Dan. Don isn’t impressed with the twerp, even when with his feebly hilarious roars. This calls for a referee! He tells the two to settle this like…men,(?) with a little boxing. When you work with THE Tex Avery, you realize that no gag is too outlandish if it works for the scene. Thus, a street car that constantly pokes in to act as the bell.

With the crowning cry of a ringside bell, the match begins in earnest, and the combatants go to town in a frightful, whirling dervish. Dan may not look like it at fifth glance, but he’s a pretty even match for Don. None of them seem to take any lasting harm by the time round one is over. (Dan McFoo for “Punch Out!!”) After a refreshing shave, Don is ready to win. (I know what I typed.) He ain’t kidding around no more. He’s quick to turn Dan into a literal punching bag. Dan, in turn, proves he’s the bigger…man(?) by calling him out for cheating. That’s not just horseshoes in that glove, that’s a horse.

Their anger is near to bursting, just like a pent-up flood, let’s continue with the fight and see if they draw blood. Round 3 is typically where the best action happens, and we are fortunate enough to have a cartoon willing to pause itself to let us see the best bits. But they’re still evenly matched, and worse yet, innocent bartenders are getting caught in the crossfire. The narrator decides to get involved and gives the combatants some pistols. Finally, a guarantee that at least one of them will die.

The lights arbitrarily go out, we get a “scream” from Sue, when lit once more one… man(?) is down, it’s dangerous Dan McFoo. Sue begs and pleads for him to say one thing to her; prove that he’s all right. I think his simple “hewwo” suffices. (Me personally, I’d be begging for Don to speak again. He didn’t get nearly enough lines.)

Favorite Part: Don all the way. Louder doesn’t inherently mean funnier. Unless you’re Mel Blanc.

Personal Rating: 3 that I probably should call a 4. Actually, yeah. I’ll change it to a 4. But most of that was earned by Don.

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Flowers for Madame

“♫For this is the day of the flower parade.♫”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Paul Smith and Don Williams; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on November 20, 1935.

Free at last! Free at last! Our long Cinecolor nightmare is finally over! Mr. Disney’s exclusivity contract with the 3 strip process has expired at long last, so now the studios too cowardly to take a chance with it can finally experience the entire spectrum of the rainbow! It makes perfect sense to make the picture about something that has no shortage of colors! Like octopuses, LSD freakouts, or flowers!

Zoology nut I may be, I gotta vote for the last one there because I ADORE gardens! Beautiful, soothing, perfumed and serene, a place to escape when the world is too mean. In other words, it won’t help in winter. But we’re in summer, bee-itchers! And if you’re living in the southern hemisphere, then I don’t blame you for getting upset over that comment. Winter makes everyone miserable. Contradict me and I’ll doubt you.

Flowers are already living “creatures”, but in cartoons, they dance. But only the ones who are awake. The sleeping ones get their heads ripped off and converted into tutus for the early risers. It’s barbaric, but it’s less screwed up compared to the real world stuff! Did you know that flowers are brightly colored so they will attract insects that will help spread their pollen? And it gets all over them too, and the insects eat some of it too, and we’re sitting in our gardens, watching it all, thinking about how appropriate it is for all ages!

Okay, I’m done with that tangent. The garden is hosting a little pageant for all the plants. Announced by snails… Isn’t that like crocodiles hosting a fashion show in the river? “Just strut over the ‘runway’. We’ll let you know if you’re a loser.” The prize isn’t specified, but if it’s not your freedom, then it’s either a motel room with the bees, or dinner theater with the gastropods. Good thing flowers don’t have brains!

Some floats are thrown together, but most of them aren’t featuring any anthro flowers. Unless weeds count as flowers. And if you count thistles as weeds. I’m a “Viva Pinata” fan, so I do. One of the spectators is a cactus who gets an idea. And a name: Stickers! The idea is to enter the pageant him/herself. (I’ll just guess it’s the first one.) All he needs is that windup toy, and some seeds. A packet of seeds. This world is making me uncomfortable! This means there are humans around, so how do the plants feel about this? Are we just gods that they don’t try to comprehend? Feels powerful.

They’re fast growing, non-anthro seeds that grow around the toy, making a humble if not pretty float. Short-lived, too. It breaks, and Stickers is now the official butt of the joke. It hurts, but I bet he does too. Now, about those gods that they can’t understand. They were careless enough to leave a match under a magnifying glass, and the sun uses the two to make its own offspring: fire. And lots of it. Somewhat led by the one flame who has a face. If the lessons I’ve learned from Pokemon are correct, those plants are in danger.

The lessons are true! This must also mean that poison can be used to kill fairies! The plants make like their leafy cousins, and break. (Look, the pansy is such a pansy that their face lost its highlights.) I know that we’re supposed to see the flame as a villain, but it’s kinda cute. Cuter than the one on “Animaniacs”, anyhow. It’s hard to want to see him lose, since it can only lose if it’s dead. But hey, this gives Stickers a chance to redeem himself! Just gotta douse those flames, and all will be well! If a bear can do it, why not a succulent?

The sprinkler helps a bit. It keeps the big flames at bay, but the little cute one can slip by and turn off the troublesome torrent. Well, compost! If only we had a plant that was full of water already! You know, round and green and living right here in the garden already? Wait a minute! Stickers! That’s it! He could poke holes in the watermelons! They’re nothing more than plant uterus’s, so it’s not like any sacrifices will have to be made. The garden is saved and refreshed and the cute flame gets doused by a grasshopper’s tobacco juice. If anyone is killing those plants, it’ll be him.

Favorite Part: The judges are (and since I know nothing about botany this is just a guess) lilies, and this means that they look like they are already sitting in a judge’s booth. That’s creativity.

Personal Rating: 2. Personally, I prefer “The Cookie Carnival”. More song, creativity, casual racism, cute romance, and looks good enough to eat.

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Into your Dance

“It’s only the beginning, folks!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Cal Dalton and Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on June 8, 1935.

Oh happy day! The riverboat’s a coming to town! You’re not going to want to miss this! It’s one of those showboat riverboats that promises music, singing, and an opportunity to pelt performers with produce. Captain Benny introduces us to our conductor for the evening, the world’s most popular orchestra leader. Which by my definition means Porky P- HOLY CRAP! It IS Porky! Same design and everything! Except, it can’t be. This short isn’t listed as part of Porky’s filmography, and no audience would dare pelt him with tomatoes lest I slice all their middle toes off and replace them with their thumbs. (I’ll throw the toes away.)

Well, I’ll still file this short in my Porky file, just in case anybody else thinks the Paul Whiteman pig is who I wish he was. He starts up the band, but there’s somebody constantly screwing up. Look, I’m sorry, but you just can’t have that in music. Otherwise it’s just cacophony. I give my complete support in Mr. Pig malleting you.  But the screw-up refuses to own up to his own shortcomings, and decides to stick that curly tail in an electrical socket. (At least, I think this is the same guy.) This really accelerates the performance, and the spastic conducting makes the “William Tell Overture” twice as fast. Boo! I like that piece? Where am I supposed to hear it now? “The Band Concert?” Okay!

Music’s done. Now for the singing I promised you. It’s amateur night, so we get an excuse to be honest. First off, Miss Cud doing opera. Hm. Uh-huh. Yep. Gong her. We won’t miss much. The performer remover hook yanks her right out of her clothes. (Does the Hayes code know about this?) Next, Beans’s effeminate father recites poetry. This also kinda sucks really bad, so lets get rid of him too. I mean, sure, he was better than that cow, but I’d hate to give him first prize when I’m sure there’s something better coming along. (If you think you’ve seen the crowd before, you have if you’ve read my posts chronologically.)

The next contestant may look a bit dumb, but he is smart enough to rig things in his favor. He sends Benny off to do… something, then hides the gong in his pants. Can’t eject what can’t technically fail. But, yeesh, I thought Doughtery only ever played Porky. Not so, and the crowd isn’t too pleased either. I think, anyway. Their jeers kinda sound like laughter half the time. But it must be hate, because once the guy finishes the title song, he sees the entire audience had a walk-out. Furious, Benny chases the cheater with a nail ‘n board into the hills. Every time he lands a hit, the gong reminds the world that cheaters are natural losers.

Favorite Part: Though poetry he may try, it turns out Beans’s pop is a fighter at heart. When he is gonged, he takes up a fighting stance. Good thing Benny was prepared with a horseshoe filled boxing glove!

Personal Rating: 2

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Porky the Gob

“All hands on deck!”

Supervision by Ben Hardaway and Cal Dalton; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by Gil Turner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on December 17, 1938.

“The Gob of…” Wait, I’ve already made that crummy joke once before. It’s interesting that two different characters each got a shot at the title. Too bad it quit here, because I’d have loved to see ‘Sniffles the Gob’, ‘Inki the Gob’, and ‘The Tasmanian Devil the Gob’ as well.

Well, we’re already going to get more of the gob experience than Buddy ever gave us, as Porky’s short takes place just as shore leave is over. Back to your stations, gobs! We’ve got a navy to run here! Our captain goes by the name of Skid. He’s sleeping, and that raises an interesting question. Namely: if you dream about your legs disappearing, does that cause the same reality? My guess is yes. When he wakes up, we see he’s the usual type of commander. All gruff and guff and stern-type stuff. Smacking his crew if they’re not up to snuff.

Mess call! Skid, cruel as he can be, let’s everyone know that the last one in will be, and I quote, “a softie.” Game on. Captains have fragile egos, so he demands everyone freeze while he gets to the front of the mob. This is how winners get made. One guy can’t go eat because he is in charge of getting the incoming messages. (I didn’t see him actually enter the mess hall. Ladies and gentleman, I give you our softie.) There’s bad new afoot. There’s someone dangerous in these waters who has a bounty of fifty grand. The dreaded pirate, submarine.

Sorry. I just meant the pirate submarine. (I really did think that was his name at first.) That cash reward gets Skid excited and he orders his men to help him lay claim to it. Porky, naturally tries to go where the action is, but Skid kicks him off. The polite reason is that someone has to stay behind and guard the place, but since he is accusing Porky of rocking his plane, I think he’s using the rude reason: saying Porky is too fat. The a$$hole. Porky sulks while a certain sinister sub set on subterfuge spots the solo sailor ship. Surefire success!

Direct hit! But the ship doesn’t seem to be sinking quite yet, so Porky can fight back. (With his cute hat, he kind of looks like the Piggly Wiggly logo.) And that he does. Returning shots and letting the enemy know that yes, they’ve bitten off more than they can chew. Speaking of, one guy fights dirty by lobbing his ABC gum at Porky’s cannon. That is gross times a gross! Now with Porky’s main defense gone, they can start boarding his vessel. I hope they bought the best insurance stolen money can buy.

Porky ain’t beaten! Using a rope to swing, he kicks all the ruffians out of the cartoon and harpoons the pirate sub with a plunger, bringing it aboard. Hey! I think he’s just earned himself a reward. Fade to the ceremony where he gets his dough. Even Skid is showing proper respect now that he knows Porky can make people vanish if he’s mad enough. Before things get too serious though, it’s time to visit the mess hall again. Come on! You don’t want to be labeled as the softie, do you?

Favorite Part: When Porky is returning shots fired, a mechanical arm gives him a cigar for trying. After Porky tries again, we don’t see the results, but the arm rescinds the gift. Soreheads.

Personal Rating: 2. It’s just “Little Beau Porky” but on the sea this time.

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Those were Wonderful Days

” *Laughter that sounds like the Krushas from the GBA port of Donkey Kong Country* “

Supervision by Bernard Brown; Animation by Paul Smith and Don Williams; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on April 26, 1934.

The days of which they speak were those gay nineties. Back then, everyone was happier. People sang the title song. Beer flagons sang the title song. (So… does drinking out of one of those count as making out with one of those?) And, as is typical of Warner Bros. shorts, print ads sang the title song. Whatever bar we’re in offers a free lunch, so it’s not surprising that some guy takes the whole spread for himself. What might surprise you, is him using the hat of a strolling woman for a table.

Ah, but it wouldn’t be truly be such a gay time unless there was a picnic, right? That’s where most folk are heading on such a fine day as today. It’s better than the bar, because it offers free beer. I’m amazed at the self control of most of the queue. Taking one mug, and that’s that. (Mostly because there only is one mug.) The last guy in line was the smart one. With no other witnesses, he can drink straight from the tab and down the rest of the barrel’s contents. There’s swimming, and a playground, and those kind of people that make me loathe being lonely: couples.

Two of them are riding a teeter-totter. And if you’re like me, you’ll see what I saw: the one and only Snidely Backslide keeping a close eye on who I think is a combination of Cookie and Betty Lou from “Sesame Street”. (Although, they cut away from him to a shot of him coming out from behind a tree again, so it’s okay to think there’s two of him. I won’t judge.) She’s already on a date with Betty Boop’s boyfriend, Freddy, but that’s okay. When Betty found out he wasn’t faithful, she bought a dog and never looked back. The villain is able to blast him away with a firecracker, and takes Cookie Lou away in a hot-air balloon.

Fearless Fred E. fires himself up via human cannonball method, and the two rivals have a fistfight. Fred E. falls, but is able to launch himself back up via flagpole. In the meantime, S.B. cuts the basket to send C.L. to her doom. For you see, he knows she’ll never love him and he knew the only way to not obsess over her was to kill her. It’s basic logic, really. No sooner done, when Fred E. bounces back for round two. He gets some punches in, and decides to light the balloon’s spout to make sure no one else will ever risk having their lady friends taken away. Stealing his adversary’s cape, he flying-squirrels his way down to C.L. who made the balloon basket into a parachute.

The two land safely, while ole Snide falls down in a daze thanks to the whole exploding balloon thing. Fred E. clobbers him with a nearby test-your-strength mallet, but C.L. screams at this, giving Fred E. a clonk of his own. Turns out, threats on her life put her in the mood and she chooses the only man who can satisfy her in that way. Humorous, but also right the heck out of nowhere!

Favorite Part: There isn’t enough trees for S.B. to hide behind when he makes his first move, so he has to keep whistling for his hiding tree to creep back in front of him. It’s clearly devoted. He should’ve tried to kill it.

Personal Rating: 2. But if you have a problem with people choosing mates that will clearly end poorly for them, 1.

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Let it be Me

“Oh, Mr. Bingo!”

Supervised by Isadore Freleng. A Merrie Melody released on May 2, 1936.

Mr. Bingo is the talk of the town. All the hens huddle around the recording studio where he sings, and the radio where his sings come out. Even the married ones can’t help but fawn over the guy, much to their husbands anger. Much like a later picture, the guy looks like Crosby in voice only. At least here he isn’t being portrayed as coward. Just a cock. He knows the ladies love him, and he’s happy to let them destroy each other to get a hold of the boutonniere he throws their way. (After watching him walk for ten seconds. Gives us plenty of time to be attracted as well.)

Well, we’ve all had our celebrity crushes, right? (Mine was Tara Strong.) What’s important is that you come to the understanding that they will never know you exist and go about finding someone you actually have a chance with. I think that’s what’s going on through Emily’s head. She’s making her first appearance and unlike the second time, she talks with that (maybe not even) Bernice Hansen voice that makes her sound 15 years younger than she probably is. She has a guy interested in her named Lem, and I think the feeling is mutual. Good to see she wasn’t always so shallow.

Speak of the crooner! Mr. Bingo is driving by and he likes what he sees. Those breasts! Those legs! It’s what catches my attention on a chicken, that’s for sure! He invites her to come along with him to the city, much to the jealousy of Clem and that patch on his overalls that can shrink. (Why do some of the other birds in this cartoon walk around in the feathered nude? Are they the ones we get to eat?) Now, if those two really were a couple, then Lem really should understand that if a lady can upgrade you, she will. There goes Emily. Good-bye Emily.

Mr. Bingo has taken her to a party. There’s plenty to drink and he offers his new friend some. Maybe he wants her drunk, maybe offering her some is the gentlemanly thing to do. Emily is hesitant, and when she indulges, she finds it too strong for her. There is a singer at this party, and if the rules of this universe apply to her as well, I’m guessing her name is Ms. Fifi-o. Mr. Bingo likes what he sees and when Emily points out what a dick move this is, he has the waiter remove her. Stuck in a city without a ride home, Emily has no choice but to adapt. She makes ends meet by selling flowers on a very familiar street corner…

Good old faithful Lem! Even though his lady friend threw him aside like yesterday’s chicken feed, he still worries about her, cares for her, and keeps the picture she gave him. Since he’s not stalking her, I find the whole thing very romantic. But the biggest thing on his mind is Bingo. Just hearing that guy on the radio is enough to get Lem angry enough to march down to his recording studio and beat the gravy out of him. (And because of this, celebrities will always have protection from here-on out. Thanks, cloaca-hole.) It’s pure happenstance that he comes across Emily immediately after, but they look genuinely happy to see each other again. I support it.

Some time later, Lemily, as we should call them has started up a family. Things seem perfect, but one chick starts to sing like Bingo! No idea where they picked up that habit! (Surely, he’s old hat by now. Old shoe even!) Doesn’t matter how they learned it. Daddy is still triggered by it and throws his book at the chick. I’m sure her bones aren’t that fragile, anyway.

Favorite Part: It might be something that I’m reading way too deep into, but I like the reaction Bingo has when Emily can’t handle the liquor. Maybe he’s realizing she’s too immature for him? If I’m right, that was some great and brilliantly subtle example of showing. NOT telling.

Personal Rating: 2. I could see some people finding it a little too mean, but really, throwing away a good stable relationship for someone you barely know is worthy of a little punishment, right?