Category: Celebrity caricatures

One of the things Warner Bros. did best! Any short that either has one as a joke, or was built on this premise, will be featured here.

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Sniffles and the Bookworm

“Yeeeaaah?”

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Robert McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 2, 1939.

Sniffles has taken refuge in a book shop. It’s got everything one needs; books and shelter. While napping, the second half of the title pops out of a row of books. He’s terrified to see a new creature and flees for help. Sniffles isn’t too bothered by the little guy. His smile suggests he finds him cute. This is their first meeting, so they’ll have a great story to tell each other’s future offspring.

The ‘worm knocks on a book because books are basically stasis pods that house their major characters. He’s scared, sure, but he’s an intellectual and knows a mouse when he sees one. He chooses the Pied Piper to aid him. That guy ain’t afraid of no rodent and walks through the repeating background section of the store to rid the store of vermin. I’m sorry Sniffles, but it is what you are.

It’s then that the insect’s gestures hit him: those weren’t gestures that suggest a small mouse. They were suggesting a big mouse! Or at least a small woodchuck. He’s going to need some help! He chooses a viking. From a history book? Does this mean you could summon anybody from an encyclopedia of famous people and make some kind of extraordinary league? I think Amelia Earhart, Gregor Mendel, and Osamu Tezuka would be nigh unstoppable. Your move, pestilence.

As the three advance, Sniffles follows behind as casually jaunty as can be. When the Bookworm realizes this, he runs over his aides to hide. They follow suit, and once round the corner, finally get a look at the beast. They’re a little miffed about B.W. exaggerating again. You should have seen what happened when he looked in a mirror for the first time. The piper decides to jam with Sniffles and provides him with his own pipe. This gets the nursery rhyme characters singing. But they can shut up now. Is this place telling me I can purchase a four volume set of Porky Pig books? I’ll sell anyone to slavery for that!

B.W. also joins in the festivities once he gets a horn of his own. Now this place is jivin’! There’s no corner of the store our music can’t penetrate! And unfortunately, Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t seem too pleased to be awoken. Really woke up boxy today, too. Like Minecraft Steve spliced himself with a moai. He takes some time getting to everyone, but once he does, everyone flees. (That viking stole Sniffles’s nose!)

As the monster reaches for the Bookworm, Sniffles can’t help shouting out “Stop!” Why, the monster never realized someone would ever challenge him! He chases after the mouse. Sniffles gets rid of him by tripping him over the side of the counter. He’s fictional, so that shouldn’t have hurt him. It was very humane. Finally, Sniffles can go back to resting. The hole B.W. made earlier is gone, leading me to wonder if this was supposed to be a dream.

Maybe it wasn’t, as when the Bookworm pops out again, he gives Sniffles a smooch. Or maybe he’s more friendly in real life? I’ve found most insects are. Those wasps were really swell gals once I decided to not swat them.

Favorite Part: I like how the ‘worm looks when he’s “running” for help. Looks like how scared pancakes do it.

Personal Rating: 2. This isn’t one of their better “book to life” shorts. Barely any unique characters doing anything. The most fun Chuck’s team does is inserting their bosses’ names onto the background books. At least the Bookworm is still pretty cute.

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Robinson Crusoe Jr.

“Waiter, waiter, percolator!”

Supervision by Norman McCabe; (His first time!) Animation by Veve Risto; Story by Melvin Millar; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on October 25, 1941.

Porky is going sailing! Maybe as part of the U.S. Navy, maybe as a freighter. Or I guess it could be for fun. What isn’t hard to guess is Porky’s attitude. He expects smooth sailing. And you know I’d be joining him if I was alive in the 40’s. Strangely enough, all the rats on the ship flee before it can sail. Now, rats are dang smart. But pigs are dang smarter. They’re d*mn smart! Porky believes the rats to be clueless cowards who wouldn’t know a ship sinking from a sub sandwich. (Porky? Did your arm just phase through the side of the ship?)

Nine weeks in and we’re still floating! And why shouldn’t we? This ship comes with a guarantee to be unsinkable. Signed by Thomas Andrews himself! I don’t care if the signature says “John Hancock”. Haven’t you heard of incredibly unoriginal pen names? D*mn smart as he is, Porky can’t help but wonder how the vessel would fair in a hurricane. Well, since you want to know so bad… Porky finds himself washed ashore on an island; the sole survivor of the storm. It’s just like that one story: “The Swiss Family Robinson!”

Luckily, Porky was expected. A little guy named Friday is here to greet and invite him to live together. (No, I’m not Friday.) The book chapter transitions I haven’t mentioned have jumped from VI back to III. Because that’s how numbers worked back then. Friday is pretty much a black stereotype. Rochester voice, unfunnily large lips; I do like his hat and spats. Very dapper. But in the spirit of adaptation, I’d just like to remind you that Friday wasn’t black in the original manuscript. If Mickey hadn’t done something similar six years earlier, I’d be more depressed.

He’s also got quite the accommodations. Complete with Bedrock style appliances. Turtle washboard; elephant spigots. How does one get just cold water to come out of a mammal? Is it a zombie? They sing too! That song will be stuck in your head all day if you let it. I did. Friday is a man of schedules. Today is Monday is washday is Friday’s. Porky might as well look about his new home and encounter some gags as he does. Not the funniest ones, but not the absolute worse. Two of whom I must discuss a bit further.

One: Porky finding a parrot and asking why it doesn’t respond to him. It’s waiting for the $64.00 question, but it was still presumptuous to assume being a parrot automatically means it can mimic. I’m an adult, and yet, people don’t just assume I drink. This picture already had an unfair stereotype. It didn’t need two! Second: animals gathered at a watering hole. Water cooler, I mean. They flee when they see Porky watching them, leaving a mess of papers. A feline of some sort (couldn’t be a tiger) returns to tidy up. The trash can reminds one to keep the desert island clean. But does this really qualify as one? Looks lush to me.

Porky comes across human footprints leading into a cave. So the island is more inhabited than he thought. Why isn’t Friday with these guys anyhow? He a misanthrope? Very noble. Porky enters to… establish trade? Show them whose boss around here? Eat them? Probably eat them. Pigs can eat humans very efficiently. It’s how I want my body disposed. Speaking of eating, the natives chase Porky. It isn’t fair to call them cannibals, seeing as they’re chasing PORKy. I’m not in favor of this, but I’m sick of people thinking cannibalism means eating something only similar to you. (We eat other mammals. So why do people freak out when cartoon fish try to eat each other?)

Porky flees back to camp. (I like him being faster than his footprints. That’s a decent gag.) Friday is equally scared, and is more than eager to join Porky once he carves a motor boat. Not willing to pass up a food source, the natives throw their spears. Who would’ve thought they could do that? Porky, still d*mn smart, stops things by putting up a sign on the boat saying their American. Listen, eating someone to survive is one thing. The crap the Nazis were pulling? They may be wild, but these guys aren’t savages!

Favorite Part: They bothered to only put four toes on the native footprints. They didn’t need to do that, as most people probably wouldn’t check to see to see if they were accurate, but they didn’t insult our intelligence. Almost as if they had a vision of a smart@$$ blogger discussing their work over 80 years later.

Personal Rating: 2. Weak gags and bad stereotypes. Two reasons for a two.

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Clean Pastures

“♫Only half of me wants to be good.”♫

Supervision by I. Freleng; Animation by Phil Monroe and Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on May 22, 1937.

There’s an infinite number of planets out there. (Though it’s probably closer to 3 million and 2.) Besides Earth, there’s a few others that can sustain life, and do, too. Today, we’ll visit this one. The one I’m pointing to. I don’t known the name of it, but it has a land named “Harlem”. I’m pretty sure the inhabitants have visited in the years beyond 3000. Unfortunately, before evolution helped them appear like actual human beings, the folks bore uncanny resemblances to stereotypical African-Americans.

Enjoy small mercies. Such as that the people here aren’t especially dim-witted, or rude, or struggling to survive. Their only sin is an abundance of it! The women dance scantily-clad style. The national sport is tossing dice. Their drinks are all alcoholic. You can’t go sixty seconds without some vice occurring, which means it’s a sin-a-min. around here. Especially in that building sporting the name “-ucking club.” (Uck it, Hayes!)

That’s it for worldly wonders. Let’s set our sights heavenward. Pair-o-dice hasn’t been doing so hot since we last saw them. Bad choices being so fun, combined with temptation making it seem smart is really hitting them in the stocks. The rival Hades company is simply the more popular location these days. If this place doesn’t get some business soon, it’ll get bought out for sure. Then the universe will be out of balance, and is liable to collapse on itself. Lots of legal trouble.

St. Peter needs to drum up some interest, but Gabriel plays trumpet. (Am I really not deleting that?) It’s uncomfortable listening to him as well, since he has that Stepin Fetchit voice. And mannerisms. And a nose that goes full black and an ear that does the opposite. And with those wings acting as limbs, he’s technically classified as a hexapod. But he’s not doing anything important, so he can go down to Harlem and remind people that a life of virtue reaps great rewards! If you’re dead.

Oh wow. Nobody takes him seriously. And I suppose Ben Stein wouldn’t be a good spokes-model for the Disney parks, either. Seems this planet is screwed. Want to try preaching at my world? It’d go just as poorly, but you can use it as vacation time. Peter is going to have fight evil with evil and call in the focus groups. The angels Fats, Cab, Louis, and Jimmie know how to turn everybody around! Turn this place into a rhythm heaven! Music, maestro! That’s how you sell things! Convinced, Peter gives them the job.

Down below, they do their stuff. It’s a catchy number that will also feature in the novelization of this picture. Interest is captured! In fact, the people don’t even want to wait until death. Temptation could always rise up again, you know. They follow the spirits back up. I guess this doesn’t count as suicide. Otherwise Peter wasted so much money on those guys. Who were they working for?

Pair-o-dice is once more the place to be when you’re no longer being. So bursting as the seams are they, that Peter has to put up a “No Vacancy” sign. That’s a lie, but that isn’t a sin up here. I know its a lie because a knock is at the door, and a voice is attached asking for admittance. Peter says there’s always room for one more. Can I trust anything you say?

Favorite Part: The person asking to be let in was Satan. Cute.

Personal Rating: 2. Like all the musical “Censored” the soundtrack is fantastic. Worth viewing for the privilege to listen! And I do like the concept of Heaven trying to sell itself. Quite ironic that many people would say this cartoon is a sin in itself. But maybe you should use your own judgement? And only be allowed to ban your children from viewing if you think it’s as bad as hell.

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Daffy Doodles

“I hate that d-d-duck.”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Warren Foster; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on April 16, 1946.

The first for Robert! And you know what? He deserves it. He’d been there since the beginning and would stick to the end. With that said, I do have to admit he’s my least favorite of the “big” directors. He just didn’t have many pictures that really wowed me the way the others’ did.

There’s a demon on the loose in the city. Their words, not mine. The narrator isn’t even sure what they look like. It could be me, but it isn’t. It could be you, but you’re better than that. What little information we do have is what the fiend is up to: putting mustaches on all the ads. I’d say that’s minor at best, and pretty childish. But it is graffiti. Funny graffiti that would probably make the populace notice your sign more, but I’m not the law.

The title was on to something! Daffy is indeed the one doing this. We’ve all got our purposes in life. Mine is to make people glad they’re not me, yours is to tell me I’m more than that, and Daffy’s is to paint. It’s niche, but it’s what he’s good at. You wouldn’t ask Dali to paint a still life of ham and swiss and not expect him to make each hole on the cheese a mouth and the meat covered in snails that have crab shells, would you?

The city’s finest better be called in to deal with this. And that means a guy who is a pig literally and figuratively. Porky fits. (And I’m sorry if you find me calling a cop a pig rude. You must not know how I feel about pigs.) His plan is to hold a picture frame around his face, and not move. No blinking, breathing, swallowing or twitching. At least he’s mastered not sweating. Daffy isn’t so easily fooled, being a master of his profession and all. He just leaves a box in front of Porky with the typical “Do not open until Xmas”. But that’s this week, and Porky won’t be around then, so it’s logical to look now.

Daffy was in the box and gives Porky a ‘stache. And it looks amazing! Rugged, manly, sexy, tough… these are all fine words, but I chose ‘amazing’. Porky gives chase, but Daffy is able to lose him by playing porter and getting Porky into a subway car. Now that he’s gotten a taste for painting flesh, Daffy holds out his brush to give every passenger a lip tickler. Daring choice giving an infant the Hitler look. Poor Chaplin. You will never be anybody’s first guess unless they’re trying to misdirect others.

The downside to Daffy’s hobby is that he’s easy to track. Just follow the latest line of mustaches. They’re on the pictures of the stars at the theater. (The one on Bugs is a nice touch. And a hint of their relationship in the future.) Daffy then sees the largest billboard ever. Don’t point me to a bigger one and ruin my amazement. This will be great. Bigger is better! And better art is a masterpiece! Daffy sets to work, but Porky spots him up there and gets in position. As Daffy swings about painting, Porky pastes him on the head with his club. That’s more success than Wile E. ever had!

Daffy threatens to jump off if Porky comes nearer. Porky comes nearer and Daffy jumps. When Porky peeks over, Daffy, on the ledge just below, paints him again. It really suits you, man! Either grow a real one or pay the artist for his service already! The chase resumes along the building. Nice camera work! Daffy is even willing grab a hold of his pursuer when he loses his balance. Of course, that’s so he can turn the tables and chase Porky on a motorcycle. It’s great exercise!

The chase leads back on to the roof and the two fall through a skylight. In the rubble, Porky lends new meaning to the term “handlebar mustache”. Daffy makes his escape via the mail tube, and Porky goes looking for him at the corresponding mailbox. Being Daffy, he comes back to berate the officer for looking through the mail and slaps some cuffs on him. Now right where Porky wants him, he gets another bonk on the head and is taken to court.

Daffy pleads to the judge. He’s made some mistakes in his life, but isn’t the guilt punishment enough? He’s willing to make a fresh start if the law will just give him the chance. It’s all up to the jury. Said jury is a hive mind of Jerry Colonas. Maybe they’re convinced, maybe they’re just trying to indoctrinate more vessels to feed his majesty, the Jerry-rig. Whatever the reason, Daffy is grateful and vows to never paint another mustache. He’s got to keep up with the times, and fashion says beards are in!

Wait a minute! It didn’t say anything about fourth walls! HHEEAALLPP!

Favorite Part: Daffy pleading with the judge and remarking that he too might be a maniac someday. If I’m ever on trial, I’m going to try that.

Personal Rating: 3. Welcome aboard, the U.S.S. McKimson! We’ll be having plenty of chicken and visits to Australia!

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Buddy’s Lost World

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Sandy Walker; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on May 18, 1935.

Buddy and Bozo are setting off on an expedition to find a lost world. If you know it exists, is it really considered “lost”? I ask because I care. I’m not the only one. Look at those crowds seeing the two off! They’re either well wishers or scientists. Yep. Definitely none of them are just happy to see Buddy leave and hopefully never come back. That would be a shame. And where’s Cookie?

After traveling for hours I guess, the two explorers spot land. Good thing, as a dog can’t live of human meat for long. Pro tip: bring something to eat when you plan to travel somewhere that probably doesn’t have a 7-11. After getting back to the soil, Buddy checks his map to confirm this is a lost island. He has a map of this place? So, no, it isn’t “lost”. Buddy is just trying to take credit for something the vikings already did. Considering what tomorrow is, do you still wonder why I chose this short?

Bozo starts to sniff and immediately finds a new type of creature that camouflages itself as humanoid footprints. It works great when actual footprints are nearby. Bozo is lucky he found the last of them! While following the fauxprints (Podiprintus incognito) Bozo walks between some fascinating tree trunks. I know I saw a similar gag in the Mickey cartoon “The Moose Hunt”. I’d be happy to call it a coincidence, if the sauropod didn’t start sniffing along after. This is an homage! And a scientific breakthrough! An extant madeupasaurus! The only thing bigger would be finding a live coelacanth.

As Bozo flees, it happens to come across the real inhabitants of this land: humans. Humans that still display some animalistic characteristics, such as burying bones. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was supposed to be a dog with a human face or not, until it refused to get a whiff of Bozo’s scent glands. (Hey, it looked like that was where Mr. King was going with this.) Bozo isn’t a thief, and tries digging up something for himself. The bone he finds still has a majority of its friends with it, and he ends up trapped in a rib cage.

Buddy to the rescue. (He’s been documenting plants.) Help the poor puppy out, would ya? Those whines sound too authentic to be funny. Once he’s taken care of it, Buddy finally catches sight of the human. Forgetting any trepidation he had earlier, Bozo gives chase. Turns out, running on all fours was the most natural way these people could have evolved. It not only makes them twice as fast, but keeps them from developing tools. The first step towards war.

The chase leads to a… chamber. Maybe it’s a hollowed out tree? And the primitive door keeps Buddy out. Not really understanding how doors work all of a sudden, Buddy just calls for the canine to come out. He… he can’t hear you. And excess noise is just alerting predatoooooors. Here we see another marvel of nature. A type of plant that grows in front of these entrances, and feeds on the ones who don’t get shelter. One organism gets fed, and the other gets rid of competition for mates. Perfect mutualism! Buddy is plant food. I’m sure some people are glad he finally found his purpose.

Evolution hasn’t really perfected this plant yet. Instead of having a chamber in which the prey can drown and dissolve, they just go straight to the roots. This works great if the roots come out under ground and the victim has no alternative to inhaling sediment, but this plant has been growing awhile and its roots are starting to poke out of a cliff face. Buddy peers down and sees the sort of lifestyle these primitive humans have. It’s a male dominated society, because hayes code forbid we get to see sexy, stone-age sluts. The hierarchy is built on some kind of rules: you’re either the mount or the rider during croquet. (Or if that effeminate voice is any indication, this is just the village of homosexuals.)

Buddy tries to climb down a tree trunk to get a closer look, but its a sauropod again. Good thing they are vegetarian, and more importantly, friendly. I want one. Having fun feeding an animal, (which really is fun, if not ethical) he doesn’t notice some people have taken notice. … Of him. He’s too busy showing off his superpower: the ability to completely disappear for half a second. It astounds those who can’t blink. The men plan to capture Buddy, and they have just the bait to lure him in: Bozo! They set him on a human-sized mousetrap, a human trap, basically,  and let his cries do the rest.

Buddy falls for it. Oh, I’m sure he would have recognized it as a trap if was smaller and not effective. Not a trap, basically. With the two caught: it’s time to eat them. You know, why do natives always want to eat new people? They obviously don’t fear them, or they’d just kill them and leave them alone. No, it’s always got to be a soup. Maybe they’re just susceptible to colds? Buddy doesn’t try to climb out, because that would be rude. All he can do is call for help and hope one of the nonexistent ladies will find him cute. It may sound kinky, but I’d also choose being a pet over a dinner. (Unless their killing method was fast and painless, of course.)

His cries find the ears of his dinosaurian friend. He’s grown considerably, given the scale he is to the dwellings. And look at that neck! It wasn’t that thick before. And now look at the bottom of the screen. Where did that rock come from? Is it the source of Buddy’s invis-ability? With the natives gone, Buddy’s animal friends shower him with kisses. I bet when he gets back to his boat, he’ll find a different plant ate it.

Favorite Part: When Buddy leaves on his journey. He doesn’t notice his boat is still tied to the dock, and it falls apart dumping everyone into the water. Yes, by “accident” I’m sure.

Personal Rating: 2. You can’t do much wrong with a lost world idea, but why focus on the humans? Why would humans even be there? Apart from the fact it ages more tastefully, there’s no reason the land can’t be Africa and the helper, an elephant.

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Person to Bunny

“It ain’t much of a hutch, but it’s home.”

Bugsy pal! There’s a friend here to see ya!

Directed by Friz Freleng; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Art Davis, Gerry Chiniquy, and Virgil Ross; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Tom O’Loughlin; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on April 1, 1960.

(Not gonna lie. I always get this one confused with “People are Bunny“.)

Person to Person with Edward Murrow will not be airing today. His poor, unloved brother, Edward Burrows, really wanted a chance to host a show and we couldn’t say no to his face. He looks like a quokka, and they can get away with anything. (In case you’re wondering, his last name is different because he’s adopted.) It might not be a good idea from a business standpoint, but he knows how to do it: interview somebody that is known the world over. How about the biggest rabbit in show biz, Bugs?

Bugs accepts, and his hole is now littered with studio lights and cameras. Two-way cameras, it seems. Bugs can see his interviewer even if we can’t. (Well, you can’t. I already described what he looks like.) The interview has barely started when Daffy comes knocking at the door. He seems to have been unaware of Bugs’s day, but, no, he’s probably just being coy. This is being broadcast live, isn’t it? And he tells Burrows that he watches the show. It all adds up.

Surprisingly, Bugs isn’t having it today. He almost never loses his cool with Daffy. Least not so early in the cartoon. Perhaps because the duck is footage-bombing this time? He drags him out, much to Daffy’s chagrin. First question for Bugs: how is he able to outwit someone as intelligent; as brainy; as genius as Elmer J. Fudd? Bugs is blunt. He claims that Fudd is none of those things. In fact, his exact words are that “His I.Q. is P.U.” That’s a really good jab. If my autistic brain would let me say “P.U.” out loud, I’d be using it.

Daffy isn’t the only fan of the show. Elmer saw and heard the whole thing and isn’t happy. He arrives as Bugs’s place calling him to appear, or be labeled a coward. Sounds serious. Bugs puts things on hold to handle this, giving Daffy a chance to go ham in Burrow’s off screen face. Elmer demands an apology. And, yeah, he kind of deserves it. Isn’t this short suggesting that they are aware they are co-stars making pictures together? Is Bugs always so hostile off the set? I used to look up to you, man. Er, lagomorph.

Bugs sticks to his guns by plugging Elmer’s with his carrot. Going back down, he finds what Daffy has been up to. With Elmer right outside the door, Bugs attempts to kill one bird with one stone by suggesting Daffy perform in front of the zoom-r lens. Being Fudd’s rifle, Daffy gets his beak bent for the umpteenth time. Unamused, Daffy claims that Bugs isn’t special. Anyone could do his shtick if they have a rabbit outfit and a carrot. He demonstrates, and Elmer mistakes him for the real thing.

Daffy corrects the mistake, and Bugs leads Elmer off his property in a chase. Once again, Daffy takes the spotlight. This time to reuse some footage from “Show Biz Bugs”. Bugs gets rid of Elmer with one of his best gags that we haven’t seen since “The Big Snooze“. The one where Elmer chases him through a log, and Bugs pushes one of its ends over a cliff. Sadly, they don’t go all the way. Elmer just sits in the log confused after the second attempt. That’s not nearly as funny. And the opposite of comedy is tragedy, so I guess you better start crying.

Back home, Bugs once again finds Daffy was actually calling the kettle black when he called Bugs a camera hog. Bugs decides that the only way to get rid of him is to let him perform. Daffy is delighted and asks if his friends will see him. What friends? Porky? Or….

Do you mean Porky?

Bugs lets him know that his friends are just a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of the people who will be watching. The normal viewing audience for this show is at minimum four million. Since Bugs gets to act different today, Daffy demands he get to as well. He faints upon hearing that number. Too bad we’re out of time. I didn’t get to ask Bugs my question. (Do you have any footage for “Bye, Bye, Bunny” that I can view?)

Favorite Part: When Daffy’s bill is bent upward. Not only does he look super pissed, but his voice sounds all muffly. And speaking of voices…

Personal Rating: 3

Actually, I was going to ask that you take off your hats in reverence for the last time we would hear Arthur Q. Bryan’s perform as Fudd. He was sadly dead by the time this one came out, and we’ve never had a better performance. (Though, I always thought Billy West came the closest.)

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Yankee Doodle Bugs

“You’d better hop along, Cassidy.”

There’s no use changing the history books for little ole him.

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animatin by Art Davis, Manuel Perez, and Virgil Ross; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on August 28, 1954.

As animated series like “School House Rock”, “The Magic School Bus”, and “Animaland” can attest, learning doesn’t have to suck. Therefore, I for one propose that Bugs teach us about American History. Because the country’s birthiversary is this upcoming week, and if you don’t know anything about who/what you’re celebrating, then brother, you’re hardly celebrating at all.

It starts when his nephew, Clyde is struggling to learn about the past. (I’ve discussed Clyde before, but this is his final theatrical appearance.) Wouldn’t be that much of a big deal, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s going to have a test on the subject later today. (That and his books blend into the carpet.) Bugs offers to help. (Clyde: “Do you *half a second pause* know about American history, Uncle Bugs?”) Turns out history is loaded with rabbits. They’ve been involved with Columbus, Napoleon, Nazi Germany, The 1943 Oscars, and the invention of gunpowder. You can quote me on this because I’m a valuable resource.

Bugs starts when the Dutch bought New York for a song. And I mean that in the punniest fashion. The Native Chief got a really good deal. Then pretty much nothing happened for over a hundred years until Benjamin Franklin *clears throat* “discovered” electricity. It was all thanks to the rabbit who held his kite just as lightning struck it. Ben took the credit, because taking the credit is mankind’s greatest invention.

Then a war was set to happen because The King put tacks on the tea. (Punniest. Way.) This could not be stood for, so an army was drafted. The backgrounds have a U.P.A. minimalistic design that goes all the way when we get to George Washington. They’re so minimal, that they cease to exist! Don’t walk into the void, George! It’s probably dangerous! I don’t see any food, for one thing. Wait. He’s fine. It’ll be a bit of a struggle to leave his candy shop, but his wife will just have to handle it herself until he wins independence.

If this is going to be its own country, it’s going to need a flag. A woman named Betsy Ross was assigned the task of sewing it up. She’s got six red stripes that represents all the blood that will be spillt, five white ones that represent the skin tone of the generals, and a blue section that is supposed to be the ocean, which the country will be surrounded by, some day. A rabbit gave her the idea for a finishing touch after he stepped on a rake and saw ten stars. Never having learned to count, she added thirteen.

It was a bitter fight. Cold winters made ice cream men enemies of the sate. What have we become? War truly changes a man. Eventually though, the enemy fleet was bottled up. (Pun. Knee. Est.) Once Washington crossed the Delaware River, victory was won. Simple as that. And that was pretty much everything that happened between then and 1954. This is a very boring country. The next thing worth noting would be Disneyland opening the following year.

Perfect timing! The school bell is chiming and Clyde’s got a test to ace. Bugs is such a good uncle. A guncle, if you will. When school lets out, Clyde comes back angrily glaring. It’s quite funny. Bugs can’t figure out why he’d be scowling like this, so Clyde spells it out for him: D-U-N-C-E C-A-P. I’m sorry kid, but penmanship counts.

Favorite Part: The king is really getting his jollies when he puts tacks on the tea. It’s good to see leaders put the riot in dictator.

Personal Rating: 2. I did say punniest, rather than funniest. I just don’t feel like the jokes were powerful enough. They could have gone farther, but then I guess it would have ended with Clyde getting sent to Special Ed. (Because that’s how they’d handle it at the time, thank you.)

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Cross Country Detours

“I don’t care what you say; I’m cold.”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on March 16, 1940.

Ready for another dose of Avery gags? We’re giving you all we can this week as this short is just over nine minutes long! Egad! You’ll be gagging on such a gaggle of gags! That we can guarantee. What we can’t, is actually showing any animal life/scenic wonders of the U.S.A. But we will attempt, and that’s really all you should ask of anybody. What all of this means is: its not entirely “cross-country.” We’ll just stick to the west.

Starting off in California, at Yosemite National Park. (And just five years too early for a Sam cameo.) The daunting task of almost ten minutes of gags is already too scary, so we get a repeat of the human trying to feed an animal they shouldn’t. I think it was better before. Not just because I’d seen that one first, but I think a monkey violently throwing a bag of peanuts at a woman is more humorous than a bear hitting a man on the head. Check my math if you want, I’m correct.

There’s also a “shy deer” who flirts, (Somebody is in to that.) and a forest ranger always on the lookout for startings of fires. (Insert a joke about California and its fires here, but only if it’s tasteful.) He catches a scumhole tossing out a cigar and rushes to save both the forest and the smoke. He can’t afford better on his salary. Then, to Utah’s Bryce Canyon to see a natural bridge. It’s so gross when Nature doesn’t put her gums in a proper receptacle.

At the time of release, going to Alaska is technically leaving the country. Even though Fred already made a picture here, it wasn’t over nine minutes, so he had to cram some of its leftover jokes in. The “running” joke is a Husky seeing a road sign pointing out the miles to California. He sets out. We’d give him a ride, but we’ve already been there. And did anyone else see that smudge in the sky? That’s the beginning of climate change, I’m sure.

Back in the generic states, (which doesn’t mean boring; just the opposite of specific) we are shown footage of a bobcat stalking a baby quail. With adult plumage so the dumb audience won’t say something stupid like “That don’t look like a quail. Where’s the topknot?”  (I’ve held baby quail. I would know what they look like.) The narrator tries his darnedest to make us feel bad that Nature is hardcore survival all the time. If the chick isn’t eaten, the cat could die of starvation. Not everyone can be saved. But don’t worry, the Bob’ can’t go through with it. (Let’s give Mel an Oscar for this role. There really should be a “Best Voice Actor” category.)

Down to New Mexico. We see that dog again. Must’ve gotten lost, as getting here on a trip to Cali is a serious cross country detour. (Is that what the title meant?) But tell me narrator, why would his master be in Cali? What kind of a sicko just abandons a dog in Alaska? I need a real good gag to wash the taste out of my mouth. (Ironic choice of words, I know.) And the short delivers. Taking a very natural basic thing like a lizard shedding its skin, and making her sexy so she can do a strip-tease. (What are you censoring? She has no breasts!) It’s a great joke, but it makes me sad to know there are now people in this world who first saw it in “Rubberhose Rampage.” Probably the most creative, laziest-made game, I’ll admit, but give Avery’s unit the credit! All of it!

Speaking of lizards, the next bit is so scary, that the screen will be split into different age ranges. Adults can watch the gila monster on the left, while the children can watch Goldilocks‘s sister recite poetry on the right. Because heaven forbid we treat kids like people, and prepare them for a dangerous world full of reptiles that could possibly hurt you. Goldenrodlocks’s parents knew better, and she scares the beast away. Poor little guy.

Now on to Arizona and the Grand Canyon. A tourist tries to get an echo here, but fails. Good thing there’s always an operator on standby. And beavers build dams. Not beaver dams, but human dams. And they work great! See all that water? They dam it all. And the dog finally reaches California. He’s exhausted, but still makes the final stretch up to the northern part of it to finally reach paradise. Large, LARGE trees. And they’re all his. So if you know anything about dogs, then you know he’s gonna be bored very soon. Worth the trip?

Favorite Part: A frog croaking the hard way. Darkly funny on its own, but made better by the cartoon apologizing…

For the pun!

Personal Rating: 3

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A Day at the Zoo

“I want to see the D.A.!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by Rollin Hamilton; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on March 11, 1939.

I’ve been eager to discuss this one as this was my favorite short film as a child. If you don’t already know why, then you probably don’t care. ANIMALS! My special interest! My first love! My closest thing I have to a talent! And since a zoo is just a bunch of animals in one convenient location, the nearest one was always my preferred field trip. Of course, many people really hate zoos. Calling them nothing more than prisons.  As someone who has worked in one, I can tell you that you’re wrong. And I’m glad that I can and you can’t. It’s just not how it works.

(Skip this paragraph if you want the cartoon synopsis.) First of, any real zoo isn’t allowed to just go capture animals out of their native habitat. That’s illegal. That was done in the past. If they get a new exhibit, it was either bred or transferred. With that said, they’re not really 100% wild animals anymore. Nor are they domestic. They’re in the middle. Fairly accustomed to humans, but not tame. So they need enrichment to keep their minds active. Any real zoo will make sure the animals have a spacious enclosure, and the aforementioned enrichment. And they’re meant to educate, so I see downside. Not my fault most people go to zoos for food.

High point of childhood time! Man, was I lucky that my grandfather had this short on VHS. Man, was I upset when the tape was lost. It’s Tex Avery spot gags at their finest! Maybe I’m nostalgia blind, but maybe I’m totally correct. Why wasn’t that your first guess? You know you’re in for a good time just by the the title of the zoo: Kalama. (And they respect your intelligence by not saying it aloud.) We start off with some jokes that I was too young to understand at first. To whit:

  • A wolf at his natural habitat: a door. (As a kid, I just figured this was in reference to the three little pigs.)
  • A pack of camels and the animals that smoke them. (I did get this one. And I loved it.)
  • A north American greyhound. (Can’t think of a better way to use fossil fuels!)
  • 2 bucks and five scents. (Cervine and mephitidae.)
  • 2 friendly elks. (Totally lost as a child. Not helped by the fact I thought the narrator said “elves.” I figured elves in a zoo was a kind of a joke.)

Okay, discussing the gags verbatim is not my style. Let’s see what kind of jokes are happening at the primate pavilion.

It’s a shame they haven’t put up that “Do not feed the humans” sign, but really how can the monkeys say ‘no’ when the little guys stand on their hind legs like that? They also need to fix their “Bonobo” sign. That is not a baboon. But what he is, is very intelligent. He’s figured out that human beings are a close relative of his. Putting some doubt in the zookeeper’s mind allows him to switch cage sides. Look how much happier he is! And one lady deliberately ignores the sign forbidding her to feed monkeys. (With bars that wide, the little guy can feed himself just fine.) He flings her offering back in her face asking the twit if she’s illiterate.

Egghead is playing running gag again, as he will later. Specifically, he’s teasing a lion. That’s just mean. That lion already has a crappy cage to call home (figuratively and most likely literally), is underfed, (those bones have no meat on them) and now has to deal with a little punk who dares to laugh at the king of the beasts? The narrator agrees with me and reprimands the squirt. Egghead stops while we’re focusing on him, but keeps coming back as it’s fun and not hurting himself. That should be good enough for everyone.

Now let’s take a peek at bird gags at the Tex Aviary. (You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to type that pun.) An owl who doesn’t seem aware that he’s supposed to be wise; (smarter than the idiots who put him in a cage of natural prey), and a parrot who turns down the offer of a cracker, requesting a beer. This is the funniest joke ever to a seven-year old. Parrots asking for beer really should be in every animated work. It really would have brightened up “Grave of the Fireflies.” And don’t forget your daily reminder that female ostriches have BROWN plumage. Their eggs containing a dozen chicken eggs; that’s accurate.

The zoo has just got an elephant in, but the express company that sent him still has his trunk. It’s horrifically funny. And speaking of, the next cage has some horrors from New Year’s inside. Seriously, why are pink elephants always so scary?

Horrifying!
A literal nightmare!
Actually don’t bother me until they become a highly detailed eye.
Not you. You’re one of the good ones.

Back in the day, I was immune because my grandfather’s copy was pretty poor quality. But I knew what they were! And I was wary!

There’s also a random bit where we see a guy who used to perform at a circus. He put his head in lion’s mouths. I guess he’s a keeper now? I mean, you could take him anywhere and he wouldn’t know where he was. Nothing from the shoulders up survived! Speaking of lions…

The old guy is napping peacefully. The narrator is pleased to see that Egghead must have finally gone home. The lion denies this, but taking a peek down his throat shows Eggy is going to be called there very soon. He still doesn’t sound remorseful.

Favorite Part: That ending. How can you doubt I love animals when I get immense pleasure from seeing them get back at the humans who wronged them? Egghead got what he deserved.

Personal Rating: 3. I don’t care if I am biased, I do think these are some quality jokes.

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Mr. and Mrs. is the Name

♫”Mr. and Mrs. is the name!”♫

Supervision by  Isadore Freleng; Animation by Ben Clopton and Cal Dalton; Music by Bernard Brown. A Merrie Melody released on January 19, 1935.

There’s an island that none of humanity knows about where merpeople live. A predominately female species, that doesn’t have the same rules of modesty that we have. That is awesome for people who are attracted to things like this, but it makes perfect sense, too. Are those actually mammary glands? Are they egg sacs? We’re not given an answer because it’s not important. Though, someone really should put together concrete merperson (or merson) anatomy rules.

From other observations, it’s clear that if they are related to fish, it would the be the lobe-finned kind. They can stand on their fins most comfortably. Sure, they have a narrow stance, and waddle, but this means merfolk are actually amphibians. The larvae probably have no hands when they hatch, and feathery gills. Or not, seeing as our short is going to focus on two of the young ones, and they look the opposite of what I described. Let’s all agree with me and call the more “endowed” ones their mothers, and they are using siren songs to crash ships and get some sailor meat for dinner.

Our two leads are basically Buddy and one of the myriad Cookie designs. (The blonde one.) They’re great friends and love a good game of tag that can be played in three dimensions. I call them Mercer and May, and you can do likewise. Otherwise, you can write your own blog. Mercer tags May really hard on her rump. I won’t deny that probably hurts, but, the merson anatomy still boggles and confounds. Would the anus be located there? Or closer to the fins? What I’m saying is: if he was older, could she claim sexual harassment, or just plain violence?

I’m not joking about overreacting, as May stomps off in a huff. Male mersons are just too rough, and that’s why they’re driven away from the schools upon reaching sexual maturity. Mercer is able to get her to come back when he finds one of the ships his mom helped sink is still laden with material goods. Females are females, and May is smitten with the chest of jewels. Mercer is more interested in the old clothes and makes a costume with which to do a Chaplin impression. He knows who that is because when you eat a human, you gain everything in their brain. Don’t try it yourself.

While they have their fun, the ocean continues to be a dangerous place. Today’s featured threat is named Otto. He grabs May and I know what we’re all equating this to. Tentacles and a minor do not lend themselves to any pleasant ideas. But, I’ve got a crazy idea, maybe he just wants to eat her? I mean, he is a predator, right? Wow. Digging myself deeper is way easier than I imagined. Mercer is on his way, and Otto speeds up when he remembers he has a siphon. Like in a lot of cartoons, it and his mouth have switched places. It being acknowledged at all is still impressive.

While Mercer plays catch-up by tying an electric fan to himself, May does her part by hitting Otto with a fish skeleton. She doesn’t actually try to escape, or fight back more, but she does get grabbed again. That was all very pointless, but it filled up some run-time. Mercer arrives shortly after, but the octopus reminds him why they call him One-punch Otto. He reminds him more than 24 times, but I can’t count the correct amount. Nor am I even sure I can count that high. He then traps the young merson underneath him. If his mouth was down there, he could win. Instead, Mercer pokes him in his siphon.

The maddened moullusk chases him into a pipe, but since his mouth is bigger than it, he struggles to get through. Mercer traps him by tying his tentacles in knots. I spot one changing color, but that’s scientifically accurate. Now, they can torture him. There’s a piece of ship mast in here tied to something I’m sure, that the two kids can swing into his head until he starves or rips his limbs off. In the meantime, May rewards her hero with a kiss. The title was prophetic.

Favorite Part: A new twist on an old pun. In the ship, you can see Davy Jones’ FOOT locker.

Personal Rating: 2