Category: Celebrity caricatures

One of the things Warner Bros. did best! Any short that either has one as a joke, or was built on this premise, will be featured here.

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Mr. and Mrs. is the Name

♫”Mr. and Mrs. is the name!”♫

Supervision by  Isadore Freleng; Animation by Ben Clopton and Cal Dalton; Music by Bernard Brown. A Merrie Melody released on January 19, 1935.

There’s an island that none of humanity knows about where merpeople live. A predominately female species, that doesn’t have the same rules of modesty that we have. That is awesome for people who are attracted to things like this, but it makes perfect sense, too. Are those actually mammary glands? Are they egg sacs? We’re not given an answer because it’s not important. Though, someone really should put together concrete merperson (or merson) anatomy rules.

From other observations, it’s clear that if they are related to fish, it would the be the lobe-finned kind. They can stand on their fins most comfortably. Sure, they have a narrow stance, and waddle, but this means merfolk are actually amphibians. The larvae probably have no hands when they hatch, and feathery gills. Or not, seeing as our short is going to focus on two of the young ones, and they look the opposite of what I described. Let’s all agree with me and call the more “endowed” ones their mothers, and they are using siren songs to crash ships and get some sailor meat for dinner.

Our two leads are basically Buddy and one of the myriad Cookie designs. (The blonde one.) They’re great friends and love a good game of tag that can be played in three dimensions. I call them Mercer and May, and you can do likewise. Otherwise, you can write your own blog. Mercer tags May really hard on her rump. I won’t deny that probably hurts, but, the merson anatomy still boggles and confounds. Would the anus be located there? Or closer to the fins? What I’m saying is: if he was older, could she claim sexual harassment, or just plain violence?

I’m not joking about overreacting, as May stomps off in a huff. Male mersons are just too rough, and that’s why they’re driven away from the schools upon reaching sexual maturity. Mercer is able to get her to come back when he finds one of the ships his mom helped sink is still laden with material goods. Females are females, and May is smitten with the chest of jewels. Mercer is more interested in the old clothes and makes a costume with which to do a Chaplin impression. He knows who that is because when you eat a human, you gain everything in their brain. Don’t try it yourself.

While they have their fun, the ocean continues to be a dangerous place. Today’s featured threat is named Otto. He grabs May and I know what we’re all equating this to. Tentacles and a minor do not lend themselves to any pleasant ideas. But, I’ve got a crazy idea, maybe he just wants to eat her? I mean, he is a predator, right? Wow. Digging myself deeper is way easier than I imagined. Mercer is on his way, and Otto speeds up when he remembers he has a siphon. Like in a lot of cartoons, it and his mouth have switched places. It being acknowledged at all is still impressive.

While Mercer plays catch-up by tying an electric fan to himself, May does her part by hitting Otto with a fish skeleton. She doesn’t actually try to escape, or fight back more, but she does get grabbed again. That was all very pointless, but it filled up some run-time. Mercer arrives shortly after, but the octopus reminds him why they call him One-punch Otto. He reminds him more than 24 times, but I can’t count the correct amount. Nor am I even sure I can count that high. He then traps the young merson underneath him. If his mouth was down there, he could win. Instead, Mercer pokes him in his siphon.

The maddened moullusk chases him into a pipe, but since his mouth is bigger than it, he struggles to get through. Mercer traps him by tying his tentacles in knots. I spot one changing color, but that’s scientifically accurate. Now, they can torture him. There’s a piece of ship mast in here tied to something I’m sure, that the two kids can swing into his head until he starves or rips his limbs off. In the meantime, May rewards her hero with a kiss. The title was prophetic.

Favorite Part: A new twist on an old pun. In the ship, you can see Davy Jones’ FOOT locker.

Personal Rating: 2

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Bosko’s Knight-mare

♪”I’m young and healthy…”♪

He don’t fear dragons. Dragons is so stupid!

Animation by Bob McKimson and Robert Stokes. A Looney Tune released on June 8, 1933.

Once again, it’s the greatest day of the year! The day I get to blog for the benefit of everyone who is too bashful to leave any kind of feedback. It really is adorable.

Bosko is reading about the days of yore. That’s what we called the time period during which King Arthur reined. If you weren’t him; you were the next best thing: a knight. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Bosko lives in the 1930’s and can only hope to be a knight at night whilst he sleeps. Still ahead. Right now, he’s still reading. He tries to share his interest with Bruno, but the dog couldn’t care any less if he cared enough to try. It really does suck having an obsession all to yourself.

When Bosko turns the radio station to some music, he starts to drift to dreamland. Unlike nightmares, which tend to scare you, knight-mares are horses that practice gallantry. But we’re not talking about them. Bosko is finally as knight as they come. And at last, in his dreams, Bruno shares in the joy. They’re off to generic castle to party with the other knights. They’re some of Bosko’s pals from showbiz. You’ve got all four Earls of Marx, Sir Durante, Lord Wynn, Duke Hardy, and Gandhi, because I’m sure these are the kind of people he wants to serve. (Good luck finding a print that includes him without an animation historian talking over it. I couldn’t.)

It’s ‘no girls allowed day’, which is everyday, so Honey remains in her chamber. Enter our villain, I guess we could call him the Black Knight, but that’s so overdone. The Sable Knight approaches and sings to Honey. She isn’t interested in a guy who is, and I quote, a meanie. (Insert reference to “Yellow Submarine” here, because I love that film.) He’s going to get her, and that’s that. As he climbs her stairs, she screams for help as all the best princesses are trained to do.

Bosko has to put his dancing on hold. No big loss. I’ve seen those moves before. His small stature allows him to run under Sable’s legs and meet him up there, but it also means he’s the kind of runt Sable uses as a lighter. I never knew Bosko could expel flame if squeezed hard enough. That’s a skill I’d never shut up about. Leaping out the window, Sable flees with the damsel to his own castle: Castle Ditto. Bosko follows on donkey rather than his horse he had earlier. Dreams never are consistent.

Bosko’s on his tail like a remora’s tail is on a shark’s belly. Even though Sable hides himself and Honey in his bedroom, Bosko is already there with a machine gun. Historical accuracy is neat! Sable can take it, and after making a pretty intimidating face, rolls up his armor and punches Bosko out cold. This might be pretty suspenseful if we weren’t aware it was a knight-mare nightmare! Honey trying to wake him up is really Bruno trying to wake him up. He succeeds. Well, as long as Bosko’s awake, he might as well go to bed. Wish I could be so lucky.

Favorite Part: When Bosko’s donkey throws him into some water, Bosko’s armor instantly becomes a submarine. Why haven’t I been able to do that in a video game yet?

Personal Rating: 2

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Why do I Dream those Dreams?

“Go lay down!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Robert McKimson; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on June 30, 1934.

You mean the ones where I willingly choose to go to work stark nude and nobody notices? I think that’s me subconsciously admitting how invisible I feel, and how desperately I want to be noticed. And now for our featured attraction.

A disturbance of an occurrence is going down at the Van Winkle house. Rip and the dog are being thrown out by the Mrs. If you speak Chip/Dale, you can learn her reasons. Mine’s a bit rusty, but it sounds like not wiping his feet was the last straw. He’s also a lazy good-for-less-than-nothing, and his dog isn’t much better. They can go live in the forest for all she cares. And… she left her socks in the gerenuk? Well, that’s on you, lady.

Rip’s easy going. He just crosses his name off the property, takes his gun and color changing hat, and heads off to get whatever life gives him. His dog follows because dog’s are good and loyal and won’t stop being your friend even if your autistic brain made you not realize the severity of your words and now you’re not even able to apologize. And… so are the… children. … Are you on… uh, “good” terms with these children? I’m not allowed to see minors follow men with guns.

Ah. They were just seeing him off. *Relieved sigh* And it turns out his gun is only for decoration/is the only possession in his name. He’s really a fisherman; and he found a way to make that easier. He puts his bait on a mousetrap that’s tied to the pole. And I gotta know: do you think that would work? If I hadn’t taken a vow to never kill any of my animal friends, I’d go try it right now. Honest I would!

Fittingly enough for a Van Winkle, Rip falls asleep. The merry little dwarfs that didn’t get a callback from Walt are nearby. They’re just doing whatever fictional, non-human dwarfs do. Drink, dance, be merry and little, and drink. You’re not a true dwarf if you don’t have a beer gut. When they notice Rip, they all gather for a closer look/try to rob him. Unfortunately, I can’t find a good enough print of the short that clues me into the objects in his pocket that makes the little guys laugh. Are they receipts? A list of debt collectors? Porn? One of those candy wrappers that have “jokes” printed on them?

Screwing around with his gun fires it, and he wakes. They dart back home, but the damage is done: Rip is aware of their settlement. Good thing he doesn’t give a crap about learning about a secret society unknown by humankind. He’s just going to help himself to their kegs. At his scale, they’re little more than a pint. What they’re not is ‘meant for human consumption’. That drink makes dwarfs out of thin dwarfs, so it is for him.

His dog finds him, and is as loyal and good as I promised. Plus, Rip still smells like Rip, so it must be Rip. The problem is that the dog is so much more powerful in comparison now. You could drown in his tongue, and your spine would snap if he tried to leap on you. Rip escapes death by love by riding a realistically drawn grasshopper. Well, it was, until Rip got his Toon germs on it. Riding grasshoppers is nothing I’ve ever thought about, but now; can anyone loan me some dwarf ale?

The insect bucks him off into a spider’s web. And it’s not abandoned. And that’s not a spider, unless it’s back legs haven’t grown back yet. Either way, it’s hungry. But don’t worry, after the venom is injected, you won’t feel a thing. This dream was made possible by the fact that Rip’s been asleep for some time now, and spiders have built webs around him. Spider love being in close contact with human beings. More of you should be as happy to see them as I am. I’m banning you from returning until you do.

I can’t fathom the exact number of years he slept. Is that his dog? Or one of his dog’s descendants? Actually, those are them over there. Joke or not, why does Rip tell him off? For taking them away from their mother? Actually, maybe this is the mother. In which case… how dare she get knocked up? Don’t tell people that!

Favorite Part: The dog going back to old bag Winkle just to blow a raspberry. Loyal, good, friendly, cute, why would anyone need a wife? (Answer: Dog’s normally don’t last into your 80’s.)

Personal Rating: 1. Feels a bit scattered. It’s about Van Winkle. No, it’s about the dwarfs. Nah, it’s about Shrinkle Winkle! Actually, it’s about over.

Now, if you’ll excuse me/speaking of dreams, I’m going to go pretend I live in a world where “Coyote Vs Acme” will be released. *Learns what Ketchup Entertainment is going to be releasing next year* For the love of all that is holy: DON’T EVER WAKE ME UP FROM THIS DREAM!!!!!!!

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September in the Rain

“Remember?”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Cal Dalton; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 18, 1937.

How many times have I discussed cartoons about product mascots coming to life? More than you have, I’ll wager. If I want to keep my lead, I’ll have to do it again. But doing things you’ve already done is pointless if you have nothing new to say. Good thing I’ve never claimed my life as anything but pointless. That means I can reuse text from previous posts if I need to.

During night, when no living person is around, the mascots for products come to life and… just sing and dance really. A blueing bottles sings “Am I blue?”, a disgusting rubber glove inflates itself to bounce to the music, and even some of our real world mascots join in. Like Camel camels and the Morton’s salt girl. I gotta admit though, some of the mascots don’t make sense to me. What do weeds have to do with scotch? If you count thistles as weeds, that is.

It’s a real honor to see this kind of stuff. You really want to know how the icons react to those who find out their living secret? They’ll try to eat you alive. That’s what the chicks on the “My am I?” powder do.  That worm/larvae is lucky to escape into some genetically modified apples. You ever been digested in a 2-d body? It hurts. You ever try to eat an apple bigger than your head in one sitting? It’s filling, but not organic.

Our title song comes from the guy pictured on the “Dream of Wheat” box. He sounds a bit like Al Jolson, but it couldn’t be him. This guy is legitimately black. (Except for his sometimes white chin.) His mother is Aunt Emma of the pancake flour for crying out loud! The only other possibility would be her encouraging her son to paint his skin, and save her the embarrassment of admitting she had to adopt.  I don’t like that one as much. More feelings are liable to get hurt.

Two cigarette icons dance together, and I want to ship them, but if they procreate, then there would be more pro-smoking ads in the world. I can’t allow that. Smoking took my Walt’s life! I wouldn’t want anyone else to live through that trauma. I forbid you two from seeing each other after this short ends.

Now then, if you thought this short was getting away with reusing footage from the past, it will be punished by having the upbeat parts stolen from it and reused in a future short that’ll leave more of a legacy. The “Gold Rust twins”, Armstrong and Cats, I mean-… actually, let’s just stick with Cats, start up a lively musical number of “Nagasaki”. All the hep cat icons join in, from Aunt Emma to the guys on the “Yea Man” hams. And since we don’t really have a way to end this, we won’t. We’ll just stop and hope you won’t notice. Good night!

Favorite Part: A piper on a coffee can (again with the no sense make) charms some toothpaste out of its tube. I’ve never seen snake toothpaste before.

Personal Rating: 1. There’s hardly anything here you haven’t seen before, and won’t see again. You want grocery gags? That’s Goofy.

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Pied Piper Porky

“Hot dog! I win!”

Your multiple siblings drive pickle wagons!

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by John Carey and Dave Hoffman; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on November 4, 1939.

When you first start out at something, you suck at it. Very few exceptions to this rule. Maybe Mozart, and most likely Mel. Probably even more than I care to list, really. Much as I wish Porky could be included, the evidence of the the two piper films he starred in contradict him. Spoilers, I guess.

The cartoon starts with the legal disclaimer that all rats featuring will only coincidentally look like your cousin’s husband. (Yeah, as if any human ever was that cute.) The news of the day is how the Pied Piper rid the town of rats, and was nice enough to not kidnap any children. But you know what? Amusing as that paper and its puns were, it was false news. There is still at least one rodent running rampant. He’s clearly a mouse, despite what the short says. Are you really going to doubt me: a zoologist without a degree?

Porky lays on the music, and tries to lure (we’re calling him) Rochfort to a trap. He stops short at the last moment, calling us crazy to think he’d go there. Now, this could be another instance of a mouse, being unfairly and unexplainedly immune to the tunes. Or, you can believe what I want to believe: he snaps out of it because Porky stopped playing and he has awesome reaction speed. That’s the correct theory. He’s also smart enough to recognize the threat and break the pipe. Or is it an oboe? Actually, what exactly are the pipes that pipers pipe? Because gift or not, I’m not allowing BAGpipes in my twelve days of Christmas.

Things call for a better mousetrap, but you can’t build those anymore. Nature can supply though. Just select your favorite snake, hawk, weasel, owl, bullfrog, or scorpion to do the job for you. No takers? Good thing there’s no shortage of animals that eat mice! How about a cunning raccoon? Or a beautiful gila monster? A misunderstood tarantula? Or I guess you could choose a crummy cat. But wouldn’t you rather use anything else? As a zoologist without a degree I can’t imagine Felis catus is the best choice for anything other than a meal.

Wow. A whole paragraph about nothing. I’m improving. Porky’s feline, Slapsy Catsy, (no relation) isn’t really that great at catching mice. He’s afraid of the little things. A phobia I just could not understand, but I won’t mock him since he validated my claims of that not being a rat. In fact, that opening text promised me ratS, plural. Lying isn’t very nice. Neither is eating cats, but that’s what Porky said I get to do if Slapsy doesn’t put forth some effort.

A small chase unfolds. Did you know that cats have the weakest skulls of the animal kingdom? If it makes sudden impact with a wall, the cat dies nine times. Porky lends credence to my theory of him being Jesus, by forcing the cat to live by shoving his ninth soul back into its flesh prison. Then, it’s time for a dose of kat-nip. Put that away. No reward until the job is done right. (Unless it’s 4/20.) Wait, my mistake. I really thought I typed “cat nip” earlier. This stuff is steroids on steroids. Not only building the cat’s muscles, but returning every life back for round two. Someone is definitely gon’ die now!

And once the scuffle is over, Rochfort comes out wearing his new pelt of genuine ermine. Look pal, I put up with it when Elmo said that, on account of him being a moron. You should either admit you know better, or stop pretending like Slapsy only killed your roommate.

Favorite Part: Slapsy cowering in fear. Growing women legs turns to cringe to mirth.

Personal Rating: 2. If you couldn’t tell by the name I gave, Rochfort could be seen as offensive today. The jokes aren’t the funniest and there’s a shocking lack of Porky. Inexcusable.

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The Wacky Worm

“My word! A bird!”

These are wonderful days!

Supervision by I. Freleng; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Cal Dalton; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on June 21, 1941.

Wack is back! Even though this is his first appearance. With how confusing I needlessly make my blog, who’s really the wacky one here?

There’s a bird that looks like the lovechild of a mynah bird and a flamingo. He’s a crow, though. The title promised a worm, and wacky or not, that’s his favorite dish. Unlike the majority of birds that hunt via sight, he can make do via sound as Wack has just begun a song. Obnoxiously stretching out a note. Why does it bother me here, but not there? Because Jones sounded more musical? Because I’m a terrible hypocrite? Maybe I’m just having a bad day?

The bird doesn’t just pluck him away in the middle of the song, which gives us time to look at his weird chin he now has. God did not mean for birds to have a chin. Please get rid of it. And remove those feathers growing out of your beak too. At best they look like feminine eyelashes, but they’re mostly just eyesores, and I hate them. Were you jealous that you couldn’t grow a mustache and glued some pubes on to fake it? And as for you Mr. Worm, I notice your little hairs on your head can’t decide if they’re green or black. And are you wearing pants? I’m really asking.

Wack runs, with a cute bit that has his upper body stretching away from his feet as he goes. Hope you find that funnier than Charlie Chaplin, because they’re going to reuse it a couple more times. He hides in an apple, but the bird knows that all he has to do to find him is watch for the one apple that moves. Turns out, they all do. The answer to this puzzle is to watch the apple that can’t “see” where it’s going. That’s the dead one worn by a worm.

Wack next hides in the junk heap that is always in the middle of forests. The bird thinks he’s been cornerd in a phonograph, but Wack turns it on and ruptures his ear drums. He’s going to be hunting from sight from now on. Wack also hides in a toaster, that can operate even plugged out. (That should be a term. Let me influence you.) One shouldn’t be surprised that only toast comes out of a toaster. It’s tasty, but lacks protein, and birds shouldn’t be eating bread anyway. I applaud the crow for spitting it out. Healthy choices make for healthy bodies, or so the theory goes.

Hiding in a bottle of rubbing alcohol is no different than hiding in the drinkable stuff. Wack is loaded. He comes back to battle the bird, worm to bird. He dares the bird to punch him, and gets that wish. Now with sense knocked back in, he runs again. He takes refuge in apples once more, but since the crow knows the secret to locating him, he has to stay still. There’s only one solution now: eating every apple to find him. What’s worse than finding half a worm in an apple? Starving.

It takes some doing, but the crow eats his way through almost every fruit on the ground. He looks ready to ralph, but it’s the principle of the matter by this point. And protein is still protein. He reaches for his prize, when a woodpecker’s pecking sends down a fresh wave of tree eggs. The phrase usually calls for grapes, but I think we can make do with sour apples being the reason why the crow finally calls it quits.

Favorite Part: Crow: “You’re inebriated.” Wack: “Ah, yes! Disguisting, isn’t it?”

Personal Rating: 2. One gets the feeling that Wack is designed to appeal to babies here. They sacrifice wordy jokes or humorous slapstick for shouting and bouncy movements. I’m glad that Wack’s sequel improved everything. And I stand by that description.

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Buddy’s Bearcats

“Shucks, I’m all balled up.”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on June 23, 1934.

Me, I love mix ‘n match animals. With millions of species past and present, you have endless combinations. Some people are lazy and just make snake-lizards, hedgehog-mice and hummingbird-bluebirds. While people like me make spidertoads, molaye molayes, and jellysaurish rexes. Buddy has bearcats. Is that really the extent of your imagination, pal? Heck, nature could do that.

You’re about 45,000,000 years late, Buddy.

Anyone buying my fake outrage? Anyone reading at all? I wouldn’t be shocked if what little attendance evaporates whenever I’m featuring a Buddy feature.

The Bearcats is just the name of Buddy’s baseball team. That he plays on, rather than own. The apostrophe wasn’t my idea. They’re set to play against the Battling Bruisers today. And anybody who is anybody wants in. The ticket sellers are using this to their advantage, and charging husky-sized patrons for two seats. That’s just rude. I’m not surprised a few are getting in via underhanded means. Some are content to be peekers, peeping through fence holes; others are born to be sneakers, and slip in by making a hot-air balloon out of bagpipes. Finally putting them to good use.

The hot dogs are piping, the soda is sweet, and Buddy’s girlfriend is of course showing her support. You might not recognize Cookie today, as this was during that awkward phase where she was wearing a wig and thought nobody would notice. You know, there’s being polite by not bringing up the obvious, and there’s doing the right thing. Take it off. The game begins, and we’ve got commentary by celebrity guest, Joe E. Brown. Hope you like big mouths and loud noises. Hope you don’t mind if he eats your souls and joys.

Buddy pitches to the opponent with color-changing shoes. (His card is the most fun to collect.) Foul ball, I think. I don’t really know how baseball is played. And I bet you don’t either. When it’s Buddy’s turn to bat, he gets a good hit and manages to get to base by sliding with the roller skate on his tuckus. It’s okay is he cheats because he’s the hero. So maybe that’s just a different Cookie? Buddy also cheats while pitching. He uses a wind-up key to alter the ball’s trajectory. The batter slows it down with, I don’t know, whatever cartoon gardeners spray insects with. His pitch counts, but Buddy has Inspector Gadget on his team. Easy catch.

At the bottom of the ninth, it’s a tie game. If Buddy can hit this, he can win, and probably retire next year. That’s too much pressure, and he hides in the dugout until whichever Cookie that is coaxes him to grow some baseballs. There was never anything to fear, because the ball lets him hit it. Home run! The audience cheers by pelting Buddy and his gal with their chapeaus. Hats all, folks.

Favorite Part: One of the peekers is swaying back and forth at just the perfect height for a dachshund to stand beneath and get a literal butt scratch. Cure, creative, and maybe a little kinky. Congratulations if you discovered your new fetish.

Personal Rating: 2

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Racketeer Rabbit

Oohh, Rocky’s really mad now!”

“I sorta look like Eddie Robinson, don’t I?”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Gerry Chiniquy, Manny Perez, Ken Champin and Virgil Ross; Layouts and Backgrounds by Hawley Pratt and Paul Julian; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on September 14, 1946.

Since it’s raining, Bugs is opting to hunker down in an abandoned house for the night. Still, rabbits is rabbits and he digs a hole in the middle of the floor for his room. (Adding a doorknob just so he has something to hang the ‘Do not disturb’ sign on is a great touch.) Things don’t stay so quiet for long, as a pair of gangsters are speeding this way on the run from a rival gang. Gunfire is exchanged, but Bugs hardly notices. Nonchalantly ducking the flying bullets as he gets a drink.

You might be calling the gangsters Edward and Peter. Stop that. Only I get to give characters names around here. Besides, they’re already supplied. The smallish one is Hugo and the bigger one is Rocky. Some say this is technically the first appearance of our usual Rocky. I don’t. Rocky is a typical tough-guy name for a gangster, so why not use it for more than one of them? Time to divide the loot. Though Rocky is being slightly underhanded about dividing equally, he does still believe in giving some to every party. When Bugs sleepily asks his usual ‘what’s up?’, Rocky hands him his share.

Bugs doesn’t miss a beat. Donning hats as fast as an animated rabbit can, he poses as six other people to clean Rocky out of the remaining clams. He tries to leave, but Rocky isn’t so fooled and marches him back at gunpoint. He’s gonna tell exactly where he put the loot, but Bugs plays hardball until gun violence is threatened. Now his blabbing can’t be stopped, and its hurting the crooks’ eardrums. Only one thing to do now: take the rabbit for a “little ride”. Bugs happily obliges, and he and Hugo drive away.

One returns. Rocky asks if he got rid of him, and Bugs says yes, he won’t be bothering them again. And that’s all Hugo wrote. We never see him again! 40’s Bugs is so awesome. Terrifying and merciless, but mostly awesome. Good thing Rocky has said his prayers. When made aware of his lost partner, Rocky threatens to end Bugs. Hilariously enough, asking Bugs to help him get dressed while doing so. He demands the dough, and Bugs finally gives in, stipulating that Rocky cover his eyes so the hiding place can remain secret.

Rocky agrees to ten seconds sightless, which is all Bugs needs to mix flour, milk and an egg and give him the dough as all Toons do. (Wait, wouldn’t it be a batter by this point?) Bugs next appears in guise as a gangster named “Mugsy”, and if you’re going to consider the caricature to be Rocky’s first appearance, then I see no reason why this can’t be Mugsy’s. He tells Rocky it’s curtains for him. And they are darling. But Bugs is already on to his next guise: the police demanding Rocky give up.

Bugs dashes back to Rocky who begs for a hiding place. Bugs sticks him in a trunk with orders to stay quiet while he handles things. He tells his cop persona that Rocky is most definitely NOT in the trunk, because he wouldn’t be sticking swords through it if he was. See my earlier merciless statement. The “cop” says he’s taking Rocky with him, and drags the trunk down the stairs. Bugs responds by dragging it back up. He promises to take the cop on bare-handed, asking Rocky hold a clock while he does so. Huh. Sorta looks like a bomb.

Explodes like one too. Bugs declares the danger gone, but Rocky has wisened up, see? Yeah, he runs after the faux popo pleading for safety from the terrifyingly merciless but mostly awesome bunny.

Favorite Part: The billboard the thugs drive by at first. Not the side advertising ‘Hotel Friz’ (where I vacation every year) but the opposite advertising ‘Krools smokes’. (Insert obligatory Donkey Kong reference.) What is the best slogan ever made for a product? ‘They’re awful but you can buy them’ Funny is always best when it’s true.

Personal Rating: 4.

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Slap Happy Pappy

“Heaven can wait.”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by John Carey and I. Ellis; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on April 13, 1940.

I can’t ever be a farmer. They have to get up before the sun, and everybody knows that A.M. stands for “anti-merriment”. Take it from me, any day you can, sleep until 10, then stay in bed for another hour just enjoying the fact that true happiness can only be found beneath your blankets. In other words, Porky is playing the farmer role today. Just plowing some fields, making small talk with the livestock, and letting his horse drive the plow every now and again.

Did you know that Easter Bunnies are also farm raised? It makes sense, as they can be in close proximity to the eggs they’re supposed to deliver. It also gives the animated world another “Jack Bunny”. Shake it up, guys! Put him underwater and call him “Jack Blenny.” Make him a garbage can called “Jack Binney.” Put him in Scotland as “Jack Bonny!” Sure, it’s a fine enough pun the first dozen times, but people other than me could get sick of it.

While he gets the eggs painted, (losing toes in the process) he also is sure to keep an eye out for the ones so rotten, that the yolk and albumen have ceased to be. (You should probably be checking more often.) And then a joke that bothers me. Another egg that looks bad. It’s black, and has visible odor lines. But before he can smash it to oblivion, it hatches into “Ro-chick-ster”. Don’t look at me like that, I’m sure that was the pun they expected us to make. Besides, don’t ignore the fact they made a joke about black species being mistakes before they’re even born.

Okay, enough of the bunny. Why was he here, again? We know you love your Disney parodies Bob. Did you want to take a crack at “Funny little Bunnies” but got stuck after one tasteless joke? Moving on. Porky gets today’s paper, with the front page news being about Mr. and Mrs. Cackler egg-specting. And 1, 2. That was the only two lines we can afford Porky to say this week. My inner fanboy is satiated. It’s also by this point that you’ve realized the majority of jokes today are the caricature kind.

For indeed, Eddie and Ida bare more than a passing resemblance to the Cantors. (Even down to the Mrs. having the occasional white wattle.) They’ve got five eggs ready to go, and Eddie is eagerly anticipating a boy. I mean, less of a chance they’ll get eaten, right? Him though, he probably just wants someone to go camping with. I know for a fact that all decent girls hate such activities. It’s in their D.N.A. Hatching time! Oh, who could have foreseen this? 5 daughters. You can tell because of the bow/skirt combo.

Any real parent would love their child regardless of their gender identity. Good thing this guy is fictional. He bemoans his fate, but then takes note of the singing outside. It’s Bing Crowsby (not that one) and his five sons. That could never happen by chance alone, what is the secret? Well, what else could it be? His golden pipes can not only make a hen fertile, but guarantee male heirs if the masculine labels on the shells can be trusted. You sing, right Eddie?

One song session later, Eddie gleefully prances around the barnyard giving cigars to farmers, parents, and children alike. Sure, Kay-pon Kyser doubts his chances, and Rhode Island Red Sparks can’t spare a smile, but he doesn’t care. He finishes his song and dance just in time, as the newest addition is being bor-… I’ve wondered, is it still accurate to say things are born when they’re hatched? This chick doesn’t have any feminine clothing, so the odds are slightly in Ed’s favor. A boy at last? “Eh, could be.”

Favorite Part: Eddie’s over the top reaction to seeing his quintuplets… born. Too bad he just lost the eggs that could go with that ham.

Personal Rating: 2. Not just because of that racist joke, but because I wonder if it’s right to laugh at a father being disappointed in his children just for having certain parts? Gender identity is a delicate topic anymore, and I could see someone being reminded of bad times with a douche-bag parent. I’m no expert, but I don’t want to encourage anyone to see something that could offend.

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Goldilocks and the Jivin’ Bears

“Jitterbugs!”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Ken Champin; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on September 2, 1944.

Wasn’t “Coal Black” great? The answer is yes with an asterisk and a lengthy footnote. Wouldn’t it be great to do another parody of a Disney picture as an all black jazz number? Same answer as above. Too bad by this time in history Walt only had the one fairy tale feature film to his name, and those “Silly Symphonies” just wouldn’t do. (Although now there is a sickly curious part of me who wants to see what “The 3 Black Pigs” would have been like.) Guess we’ll just have to parody one of our shorts. Tex is no longer here. No permission needed to doctor “The Bears Tail.”

Like “C.B.” we have a narrator who only appears at the beginning, but his voice at least stays all the way through. Good thing. This story is so complex that I need his help. There are indeed three bears, and *sigh* the narrator specifically states that they are of the black species. Obvious joke is still hurtful. We’ll just call them what the picture does: Big Size, Middle Size, and Wee Small. Big has that Stepin Fetchit look, Middle is all Fats Waller, and Wee… I don’t know. I can tell he’s voiced by Mel, at least. The other two both sound like Fats because… I don’t know.

Now, because these are black bears, they are uneducated, have unflatteringly large lips, and are quite the talented musicians. At least that one is a positive stereotype? They got a good jam going, but they’re playing so hard that soon all their instruments get too hot. (Okay. That’s actually pretty clever.) Only thing to do now is take a walk and let them cool. While they do that, let’s check on their neighbors. They live just across the way from Grandma’s house, and the story there is also underway: there’s a wolf in the old lady’s bed waiting on the arrival of Red Riding Hood.

Aw, what the heck. Let’s explain the lack of Red with a callback to another short. Red is now the one doing her part for the war effort, as the telegram boy explains. Here’s where the Stepin voice went. I did get a chuckle at him obliging when the wolf says “Well kill me dead!” at hearing the news. The wolf managed to dodge the shot, and he soon sees Goldilocks entering the other house. Goldilocks in name only, or she’d probably look like this:

Guess it was really a jinx.

And just like So White, she doesn’t look that bad. At least if you can accept the opinion of a white guy. I can’t legally say she’s attractive though. Isn’t Goldilocks traditionally a minor? She may have been aged up, but I’ll bet she’s in her teens. Good thing the wolf has nothing sexual about his predatory ways. Since there’s no porridge in this tale, I guess Goldi just broke in to use the facilities and then, sure, why not take a nap? There’s always the possibility that this really is a BNB.

The majority of beds are either too hard, or too soft. The latter of which I never thought would suck sleeping in. The last one is just right, except for the wolf. Chase ensues, and it’s at that time that the bears return. The struggling two can be mistaken for dancers, and since the bears are uneducated, that’s what they see them as. They start the music, and the wolf plays along. Only problem is, Goldi isn’t afraid of him now and forces him to be her dance partner. And can that girl dance! It’s exhausting for an animal that was meant to walk on all four legs. He tries to leave, but can’t escape.

I lied. Once he boards up the doors and windows, he can retreat back to the safety of Grandma’s. Red finally does show up and… wow. I really thought the trend of making the black ladies in these cartoons look good would continue. No such luck. First of all, she has really long legs paired with a really short dress that is completely hidden by her hood in the back. Makes her look almost nude. And her face is reminiscent of Sunflower the centaurette. The only time comparing somebody to “Fantasia” isn’t the highest form of compliment.

The wolf is still too worn out to get after Red, and his problems increase when the bears find him again. Since Grandma has all the instruments they play on hand, the party can last as long as the bears can. And this isn’t one of those stories where the wolf ate Grandma. She comes out of the cupboard to force the wolf to dance some more. A perfect revenge.

Favorite Part: Big Size recommending the walk. The other two find the idea stupid, and refuse to take part. He’s got to show them the book takes his side to get them to agree.

Personal Rating: 2. And that’s a very low 2. Music is great, there’s a couple of decent jokes that don’t rely on the characters being black, and Goldi really does look good. But I don’t think any of those points are strong enough to cancel out the negative aspects. But as my scoring system states: if there’s a smidge of good that I think keeps it from being totally unviewable, it gets the 2. Still, it’s a good thing this was the last of the Censored 11 to get made. That’s 11 times too many to make cartoons we have to be ashamed of to this day.