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Bye, Bye Bluebeard

“T-That old bluebeard can’t scare me. Much.”

While doing some eating “exercises” Porky is tormented by a mouse that apparantly has been bothering him for quite some time. After chasing the rodent off, Porky hears on the radio that a psychotic killer, (named Bluebeard) is at large. He boards up his house only to find the killer is already in his house! Or a mouse dressed up like a murderer. (Anyone else see it?) Porky begs for his life and offers the psycho anything in exchange for his life. The mouse likes the idea of a steak dinner.

As he is pleasing his “guest” Porky gets more info on the killer. Apparently he’s 6 feet eleven inches. Not 3. Porky chases the mouse intending to finish him off, but finds the real Bluebeard instead. (What was he doing? Lying under Porky’s table? Why? Was it more comfortable than standing?) He ties Porky to a missile and goes to eat the food. (Porky meanwhile, continuously pulls the fuse out of the missile, lengthening the time limit by precious milliseconds.) The mouse not wanting to lose food that technically WAS made for him, harasses the guy. (Probably the most pies in the face you’ll ever see in a Looney Tunes short.)

The mouse gets away and noticing Porky still isn’t dead, Bluebeard makes a guillotine. The mouse decides to help and right before Porky is about to become diced, announces that Bluebeard’s meal is ready. Bombs, or as Bluebeard assumes: Popovers.  Realizing what he ate, he rushes to the medicine cabinet and makes a concoction. (In the cabinet we see such things as: uch, alky haul, Frizby mixture, McKimsons solution, Ted Pierces medicine, Jones laxatives, and Maltese minestrone. Yum!) He takes his tonic but blows up anyway. Now safe, Porky and the mouse are now eating buddies. (I’m giving the mouse a name too. Henceforth he shall be known as Cheeseball.)

Personal Rating: 3

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Daffy Duck slept Here

“B-B-Bunes noches.”

Porky is having trouble finding a hotel. Apparently there is a convention going on. (D.O.P.E.? Um, lets assume it stands for: “Double Oysters. Preferably Everywhere.”) Hotels are so busy that there’s a line of people waiting for hotels that are yet to be open. One man at a hotel carefully places a sign that announces a vacancy. A tidal wave of people try to make it in, but my boy Porky snags it. The catch? He’s staying with someone else in one room. In the room he spies a picture of his roomie. (Daffy) He assumes that he is a very level-headed character. (He don’t know him very well, do he?)

Porky attempts to rest. At that point, a drunken Daffy returns singing about Hymie. Who is Hymie? An invisible, 6 ft. kangaroo. Porky won’t believe this, even when it is proven to be true. (Or it’s just Daffy being Daffy.) They attempt to share a bed, but Daffy constantly torments Porky by asking dumb questions, spilling water on the bed, snoring, and putting his cold feet on Porky. Not able to stand it, Porky shoves Daffy in a pillowcase and throws him out the window.

Daffy returns later and aims to get revenge. He puts up a false scene in the window and makes a drowsy Porky think his train is leaving. Daffy pulls the shade down after Porky leaves, claiming it too gruesome to watch. Imagine his surprise when he hears a whistle and looks out to see Porky leaving on the train. Daffy comments on how silly the situation is: He didn’t get Porky any magazines to read on the trip.

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky Pig’s Feat

“Insulting my integrity, eh Fatso!?”

At the “Broken Arms Hotel” Porky is looking over the bill. It costs $152.50. (Dang. If only that were possible today!) He doesn’t have the money, but that’s okay. His (platonic) partner, Daffy, is cashing a check. Or rather, he’s gambling. And he loses it all. He slumps back to the room and hears the manager say he hopes Daffy will have the cash. Insulted, Daffy runs in and shouts several things into the managers face. He challenges Daffy to a duel. More angry, Daffy also challenges him to a duel with a horse shoe full glove.

Down for the count, Daffy grabs Porky, their luggage and runs to the elevator. The manager (I’m calling him Chubs) somehow made it down to the ground floor first, and marches them back to their room. He also says that they will never leave until they pay. Daffy pulls the rug out from under him and he rolls down an eternity of stairs. That doesn’t stop him and he runs right back up. Daffy tries the rug trick again, but Chubs pretends to fall, as to lure Porky and Daffy back out. Daffy finally agrees to pay.

The cost has gone up to include the damages. ($500.62. Still, not bad for today.) Daffy hits him on the head and a chase scene ensues. Chubs chases them to a door, that has endless doors between it and the room. (Plus an Avery-esque sign.) Porky makes a rope and they slide down the window. (Daffy stopping to whistle at a hot chick in a magazine.) At the bottom, a random hand gives Porky a hotfoot. (Who was that? Chubs? Frank Tashlin? Sewer James?) Pokry leaps back up in pain knocking him and Daffy back to their room. (But not before Daffy ogles the woman again.)

Soaking their burned bodies, they find Chubs finally caught up to them, and they make a rope that can swing this time. They end up in another building that Chubs somehow got to, and he swings them back to the “Broken Arms”. Then he barricades them in their room. Months go by and Daffy and Porky are starting to go nuts. (Porky is pretty forgiving, since this is all his platonic partners fault.) I assume they got food, and Chubs is torturing them. He knows they have no money. (Hey look. “Porky loves Petunia”! Adorable!)

Porky suggests that Bugs Bunny could help them. Daffy calls him his hero. (I guess he was a fan until Bugs stole the spotlight.) They call Bugs and ask for help. After suggesting all the things they already tried, Bugs reveals he knew they wouldn’t work. He’s trapped in the next room. (Only appearance in a b/w short, and first time onscreen with Daffy. That’s history in the making!)

Personal Rating: 4

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Pigs in a Polka

“I’m the smart little pig. I build my house of bricks.”

How about another “Fantasia” parody? (Can’t ever have too many!) Set to Brahms “Hungarian Dances”, we see the familiar tale of the big, bad wolf, andthethreelittlepigs. The first pig has the most adorable voice. (Thank you, Sara Berner) He stretches out a wire frame and piles straw on it. Done. The second pig is less adorable and builds his house of matchsticks. It collapses. The third pig is not cute. (Sorry, Blanc) But he is worthy of the intelligence pigs possess. He works hard while his (siblings? friends? love interests?) play. Cue dancing wolf. To get closer without them running, he dons a gypsy disguise. The pigs follow. They fell for it.

PSYCHE! They take his costume and do the dance themselves. Now the chase is on. They run to the straw house. The wolf sets it on fire. They run to the still demolished (match) stick house, and rebuild it as fast as they can. The wolf adds one more and it crumbles. Brick house it is! The wolf tries to blow it down, and is only offered mouthwash for his troubles. He goes to run into the door to knock it down, but the pigs open it up and let him run through the house into the back door.

Later the pigs are happily dancing. (Except for the third one. Spoilsport. He needs a name. They all do. So in order… Crunchy, Pancake and Mel) The wolf is outside dressed as a homeless woman in a snowstorm. (A talcum powder dispenser hanging over his head.) Crunchy and Pancake ignore Mel’s warnings and let “her” in. Mel finds out that the wolf has a record in the dress to make it SOUND like he is playing a sad violin song. Flipping it over gets a new song that the wolf dances his disguise off to.

The pigs run up the stairs to the suddenly existing 2nd floor. They take the elevator back down. The wolf does the same, but instead of another lift, he travels down the shaft (passing by ten stories somehow) and lands hardly. (Mel’s full name is Mel C. Escher)

Personal Rating: 4

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Pigs is Pigs

“And please, could we have alots of ice cream, tonight?”

I remember when I first watched this. I had just got done killing off a case of the munchies, and decided to keep watching that Looney Tunes DVD set I got for my birthday. Turns out irony can be delicious too.

Our short shows a house full of happy piglets. For the most part. One piglet, Piggy (no relation to the other W.B. character named that,) doesn’t want to play. He’d rather obsess over food. Sniffing some pies his mother made, he grabs one, spins it on his finger and eats. He attempts to do this with the other, but is caught. She scolds, but her words fall on hungry ears and he just goes back to fantasizing.

Later, it is dinner time. Piggy’s favorite time. Mom says they must all say grace, but they pray instead. (Laugh. I’m funny.) During this, Piggy ties all the spaghetti strands together. As soon as the grace is over, he digs in and slurps down the rest of the family’s supper, to his mother’s anger. The next day, he is invited into the house of some creepy, yellow, hiccuping, bald guy with the voice of Billy Bletcher. (Pete the cat, Henrey Bear, etc.) He offers him a feast and Piggy happily sits down to eat. Oh no! It’s a trap! He is strapped into the chair, and a clamp clamps his snout. The mad man is going to give him all the food he can handle, and then some!

First course, soup. (Red pea soup? Oxtail soup?) A water wheel made of spoons, paddles into his forced open mouth. He has bananas shot down his throat and a gumball machine doling out olives as fast as he can be forced to swallow. Next, ice cream. Bellows puff air through the cone and launches the ice cream into his head. (What a waste of cones.) Time for the main course! A sandwich the size of a mattress! (First use of Freleng’s “Hold the onions” gag.) He is forced to chew it, and then for dessert he is fed pies (spun like the way he ate his mother’s) from a pie-a-trope.

After a montage of all this repeating, the piglet has become a ball of food inside a bag of skin. The man lets him go, but tells him he’s not half full. Piggy goes to leave, but can’t resist a turkey leg for the road. He takes a bite and blows up. Wow. That was morbid.

Okay okay, he wakes up. It was all a dream. And what does he do now that he’s safe at home? Eat breakfast of course.

And after I finished watching for the first time, I decided to go eat more too. I’m an American and therefore, I can eat pure fat like it’s carrot sticks.

Personal Rating: 5

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Porky and Teabiscuit

“They’re off! Yes, sir they’re off in a doud of clust! Err a cloud of rust! Er a bust of crust!… Ah, there they go.”

In this short Porky is just a kid. (Or maybe a teen? He can drive and is eligible for a horse race. I have no idea how old you’d have to be.) His father, Phineas Pig (and the one who gave Porky a stutter) tells him to take some feed down to the racetrack, and bring back $11.00. Porky is excited as he LOOOOOOOOVES racing!

After delivering the food, he watches an auction. An old guy asks him for the time. He is hard of hearing and Porky has to yell that it’s eleven. Just as the auctioneer is asking for that exact amount. Porky apparently bought a rope. What a ripoff. But wait! There is something at the end of the rope. A real Racehorse. No, not the beautiful creature Porky admires, but a sickly, frail, equine named Teabiscuit. (He looks like an underfed camel.)

Porky can’t believe his rotten luck. Luckily, there is a race, and after deducting prices, the prize would be eleven bucks. Porky goes to get ready and TB wanders around. He seems to really enjoy a trombone being played in a band. Just then, a child’s balloon pops and sends the horse running back to the stables, where Porky is waiting. (He somehow got a uniform. Probably killed one of the weaker jockeys.)

They race, but it is obvious they aren’t exactly the racing type. (Heck, I doubt they’re the plowing type either.) Things get more complicated when Teabiscuit watches the trombone again. Porky tries to get him to move, but can’t compete with the siren’s song. Another balloon pops and scares the horse so bad, that he runs so fast and actually wins. He gets scared again by the victory photo camera flashes, and runs to his best friend for comfort: the trombone. He plays “Good Evening Friends” to end us off.

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky in Egypt

“THE CAMELS ARE COMING! THE CAMELS ARE COMING!”

Lets end off this year with another porky short! Particularly one that will keep us warm during the long cold winter.

Our story takes place in Egypt. After a few gags we get to the main story. A camel caravan is about to make its way to view the pyramids. (and by caravan, I mean one freakishly huge camel) Porky wants to go to, but misses the departure. He sets out on his own on a camel named Humpty-Bumpty. (Stolen? Rented? Actually belongs to Porky? Never answered.)

They begin their journey. Unfortunately, the angry sun from “Super Mario Bros. 3” is here, and demonstrates its power by annihilating an oasis. The heat soon gets to poor Humpty, and he gets the horrible, dreaded “Desert Madness!” He hears disturbing, disembodied voices calling his name, he sees herds of imaginary camels, and he soon runs off leaving Porky behind to die.

Porky finds him in a pool of water in Palm Springs, (Stop sweating Porky, Pigs are incapable of doing that!) only to find the hard way that it’s a mirage. Humpty finally gets some sense knocked into him and apologizes to Porky saying he’s fine now. He begins to hear the voices again and speeds back to the town, with Porky in tow. Now back in there (House? Inn? Random building? Never answered.) Humpty is glad to be both safe and sane. Then to his horror we see Porky now has the madness.

Great way to end a year huh?

Personal Rating: 3

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Cartoon Music Videos (Merry Christmas SuperJNG18!)

This shout out goes to a good friend of mine.

How do you make awesome cartoons even greater? Put them together in the same video! With awesome music! That is just what some people do! They take a song, put cartoons to it and there you have it. A cartoon music video. My favorite person who does these, was the name you see above you. He is my favorite because he uses the most Looney Tunes out of all others I have seen. He also chooses the best songs so says me. Heck, he even uses some of my favorite live action stars, like Kermit the frog, and the Nostalgia Critic. I’d recommend checking out videos like this while you can. They tend to get copyright struck.

Merry Christmas Pal.

Personal Rating: It varies from person to person, but I always thought this guy never did anything less than a 4. Though if you don’t like these kind of videos, I’m sad to say, I don’t think any of them are good enough to sway you.

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Bah, Humduck! (A Looney Tunes Christmas)

“What do I look like, an ATM?”

Merry Christmas to all who visit my humble blog! With Christmas nearby, it is time to talk about this direct to DVD movie.

It starts with our narrator, Bugs Bunny. He declares that even though rabbits are associated with Easter, he still loves Christmas. (Besides, remember the last Easter we saw Bugs? That’d sour anyone’s mood.) He is nearly hit by a limo. The owner of said limo? Daffy Duck. Owner of the Luckyduck Superstore. He has an awesome hover scooter, and not one speck of generosity. He refuses to help a poor, homeless, (Playboy) penguin, and steals the generosity bucket of carolers Egghead Jr., Henrey Hawk, Barnyard Dawg as a puppy for some reason, (?) and Priscilla Pig. (more on this cutie, later.)

Daffy has many employees working at his store. Including Sam Sheepdog, Miss Prissy, Charlie Dog, the Three Bears, a security guard (Gossamar) who is sitting on Santa (Cecil) Turtle’s lap, Foghorn Leghorn, Slowpoke Rodriguez, Claude Cat, Hubie and Bertie, Mac and Tosh, Beaky Buzzard, Hippitey Hopper, and  a (Pete) Puma janitor. (Just like his role in “Tiny Toon Aventures”!) He also has some employees with a bit more personality. Including Elmer Fudd, who works very hard, and is exhausted. Wile E. Coyote, who is constantly hungry, Marvin the Martian who is homesick and wishes to return home for the holidays, (Martian Christmas?) Speedy Gonazales who does wrapping, Pepe Le Pew, who tries to get to know a shopper who looks just like a skunk, (No really. Penelope just has a stripe.) and my man, Porky Pig, his assisstant manager. Whom Daffy shortly demotes to assisstant-assissant manager.

Bugs warns him that greedy people tend to get visited by Christmas ghosts. Daffy has no worry and heads to his office. There, he is visited by his idol, Sylvester the (Cat) Investor. He was the greediest person around, before he was murdered. Daffy now has that title, and is being warned that he must change his ways. He may be spooked, but Daffy is sure this is a prank, and pays it little heed.

After being visited by Bugs again, (He was searching for cheap skates, and was directed up here.) he gets a passage delivered by a Roadrunner. (I have no idea if he is an employee or not.) It is a gift Daffy sent to himself, a godly remote that can do just about anything for his office. His employees then come asking for favors, but are all snubbed. Porky just wants to have Christmas off so he can spend time with his daughter, Priscilla. (Now let me just say, that she is ADORABLE! Tara Strong really knows how to bring in a cuter than cute performance.)  Daffy refuses and demands that everyone come in at 5:00 AM the next day. (Where else are the last minute Kwanzaa shoppers supposed to go?) Everyone leaves discouraged.

Bugs is still there with Daffy as the exits are covered in snow. Daffy demands they separate and soon after, is visited by the ghost of Christmas past. Or rather ghosts. Granny and Tweety take Daffy back to his past, and we see how hard his childhood was. He lived at an orphanage, and was never adopted. Morons. Why wouldn’t you want to adopt the world’s funniest duck? (I said FUNNIEST, not most popular. And for that matter where is that swan? She took him in only to leave him behind?) This does little to change his ways and Daffy just wants to use their powers “Back to the Future 2” style to get more money. He is sent back to the store.

The ghost of Christmas present is played by… Yosemite Sam? I think you could have chosen a better character for that. Maybe switch with Sylvester? Anyways, he shows Daffy how hard his employees lives really are. Another adorable scene shows, that Priscilla wants two things for Christmas, a doll, and for her daddy to spend it with her. (Too. Cute.  Daffy is not convinced quite yet, and just begs Bugs to hide him from the promised third ghost, once he returns.

They reenact “Tom Turk and Daffy” but ultimately Daffy is taken away by the ghost of Christmas future, the Tasmanian Devil. He sees his grave, and learns that his employees are out of jobs, because he tried to will the store to himself. Porky remarks that at least he and Priscilla can spend Christmas together. (I meant she with Porky! She didn’t die yet, sickos!) Being an angel anyway, she leaves some cookies on Daffy’s resting place, (which look hilarious, since they look like him) and wishes him luck, since she knows he’s not in heaven. (*Laughing* Best joke right there!)

Daffy finally resolves to change his ways and the next morning, gives everyone a paid vacation, as well as a rocket home for Marvin, and a personal chef for Wile. (Francois from “French Rarebit”) Even Pepe gets a kiss from Penelope. (Her choice even! She wasn’t bribed!) Daffy sees how much his generosity is going to cost him, and briefly tries to take it all back. That’s when Priscilla offers him a hilarious looking cookie, and calls him “Uncle”. (I wish she’d do that to me.) Daffy remains generous to the delight of Bugs and the ghosts. We end with Priscilla saying our “That’s all Folks!” (Did i mention how adorable she is?)

Overall this short, is nothing grand, but if you are a Looney Tunes fan, you’ll enjoy it.

Personal Rating: 2 for the common folk, 3 for the Looney-tics.

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Porky’s Party

“M-Mad dog!” “M-Mad dog!”

It’s Porky’s Birthday! (He’s 5 years old?) And it just so happens that his uncle has sent him a silkworm as a present. (Porky’s address states residency in Hollywood.) To get the silkworm to work, one must say “sew”. At first it works great, making a nice sock. Then we see how naughty the insect really is, as he knits a bra next.

Porky puts it away, as it is time to prepare for his guests. His dog, Black Fury, follows and watches Porky pour on some hair growth formula. The dog follows suit, and discovers it’s 99% alcohol. He starts chugging it. At the door Porky greets his first guest. Random Penguin who seems to have only come for the food. (At least he gave Porky a present. I wonder what’s in it.) His other guest is Goosey. Some moronic goose, who only gives Porky a gag handshake. Porky comments on the fact that he is “so silly.” SO silly?

The silkworm starts his stuff and various pieces of womens underwear comes out of Porky’s clothes. In panic he throws it away and it lands in the penguin’s ice cream. (He is really going to twon, ain’t he? Not even a brain-freeze.) The bird soon finds a sock and a top hat in the dessert. Worse still, he finds a hat in his head. (He ate the silkworm!) His head keeps popping up into a top hat shape, to his frustration. Goosey tries to help by hitting him with a hammer, and slamming him into a wall. (According to storyboards, these two were originally supposed to be Gabby Goat and Petunia Pig. No idea why they changed from ungulates to birds.)

Back to Black Fury. The formula seems to have worked as he is now covered in hair. Drunk, he decides to shave. He slathers on some shaving cream, and accidentally turns on the “Letrick” shaver. Scared, he runs to Porky. But because of his appearance, they all think he is rabid. All three run. (Pengy seems to not have hat problems now.) After a chase, the penguin and dog are stuck in a bed together. They fight and it is revealed who the dog is. Seeing this, the penguin rolls up his… arm? Sleeve? And says “so” ready for another fight. The silkworm who is still not digested begins making more clothes, eventually wrapping the penguin in a cocoon. Goosey then hits him on the head again.

Personal Rating: 3