Category: Cartoons from the 30’s

This is the time period where Looney Tunes got there start! Things may have gotten off to a slow start, but they soon became the envy of studios everywhere!

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Johnny Smith and Poker-huntas

“Oh, agony!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on October 22, 1938.

I must be honest: I’m no expert on any people the title might or might not be parodying. I don’t think I even knew Pocahontas wasn’t a fictional character until I was at least ten. With all of that said, they aren’t animals, so I can’t tell you what actually happened. We cool?

A toast to the descendants of the Mayflower. All over-seven-nonillion of them. You see, it’s funny because I don’t think that many humans have even existed on planet Earth. I knew Fred Avery was capable of visiting the far future. Because I have photo evidence of him attending my sweet 16. No, you can’t see it.

There are pilgrims crossing the sea to reach America. Their captain is one Johnny Smith, but his bosses get to call him Egghead. He’s pretty proud of himself, because he’s in the process of making history and will be in books on the subject. Whether or not that is something to be proud of all depends with what you do with your life.

They’re not just making this voyage for religious reasons. America is quite the developed place by 1620. The local populace lives in teepees, yes, but they have motor vehicles, barber shops, and jokes based on stereotyping. What do they even need white men for? (But for real, the donkey with her own papoose is adorable. Babies are always cuter when you stuff them into something.)

The natives see the approaching ships, and notify their chief, No squat no stoop no squint. Quite the mouthful, that. How about changing your name to three nose? Less cruel than four eyes, right? (Yes, I did see part of his phone disappear. They truly are savages!) They’re ready to intercept their visitors. At least, let’s hope they’re just visitors.

Johnny and the crew stalk the forest with guns. It’s just for protection, really! You can’t be too careful when there are scalpers about. You seen the price of their tickets? The monetary cost is phenomenal, but you’ll lose your soul in the process. And that’s no good. Good thing Johnny is one of them! Alas, even if they share the same side-hustle, they will never be brothers. The chief gives chase, but this is a short film here! Gotta think of the feature film! A title card asks Johnny if it’s okay to cut the chase part out, and he’s cool with it. They were never going to catch him anyway.

So after they catch him, the jeering section demands he get the axe. (I’ll have to remember that one.) Even Johnny reminding them of his historical significance doesn’t sway them. And what was the point in evolving a line on the neck detailing where to put the killing blow if nobody is ever gonna use it? Can anyone save him? How about the second half of the title? She’s running out of appearance time.

Not to worry. She’s heard everything on the radio and drives out to save the guy. As is befitting of women drivers, she runs over the executioners. (I’m actually amazed they didn’t use a joke like that. Would that have just tipped the good taste scale too far?) They stop for a photo, and flee. As is befitting of executioners, they give them a ten-second head start. It’s all part of the fun, and they find this some fun indeed. They unanimously decide to keep doing it.

One of these days, they’ll give up the head start nonsense, and that’s when they’ll finally catch their escaped victims. It is not one of those days, yet. The runaways get back to the Mayflower, and escape to open waters, where there is no law. Finally, they share their first kiss. And after their marriage, they settled down in a nice house… somewhere, I’m sure. They read “The last of the Mohicans”, but they of all people know that isn’t true. You remember that creepypasta where Egghead was a character on “Baby Looney Tunes”? Well, you’re gonna hate me for this, but… I found the source!

Favorite Part: Poker starts to tell us that we don’t have to worry about their capture, because they’re getting away on a ship. Johnny chastises her for spoilers. I’m now remembering all the let’s play’s I’ve seen where the half of the duo playing wouldn’t let the blind half discover things. I’ll be wanting their apologies.

Personal Rating: 2. There is a bountiful feast of classic Avery goodness to go round, but the cultural appropriation makes it a bit harder to swallow these days. If you don’t have guilt over such jokes, enjoy your 3.

P.S. Since last week, I’ve seen a poor quality version of the “Coyote Vs Acme” trailer. Probably wasn’t supposed to have done that, but a reference to Michael Maltese and Chuck Jones? The 1812 overture? The return of Pete Lorry? I am not at all ashamed of what I did. I need Fred to loan me that time machine.

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Freddie the Freshman

“Hi-ho everybody, hi-ho!”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Paul Smith. A Merrie Melody released on February 20, 1932.

Who’s the freshest kid in town? Don’t be so sure you know if you’ve already read the title and watched the cartoon. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s Freddie the Freshman, that’s who! Unless you’re a fish, I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. But maybe they just mean his dance moves? Or his breath? How about his car? I want a car that can piece itself back together when it breaks into pieces. I can see it now! (Because my eyes are open.)

So, now we know who Freddie is, but where is he going? To a party of course! That’s where all the fresh men go. They’ve got music, and dancing, ladies and guys; I really can’t remember the last black and white cartoon that showed an actual bull. And I think the lady dog is Gigi before she met Goopy. Freddie pulls up, has a stroke, (No really. Was that intentional?) and his car finally puts itself out of its misery. I’m sure as a spoiled yuppie, Freddie already has a new one in the mail. (Or maybe not. But he looks yuppie-esh.)

The party can really get going now, since everybody knows Freddie and loves Freddie and secretly wishes they were Freddie regardless of who they are now. Gotcha! Hugh Heifer doesn’t think much of him. Because there’s always got to be one person who is insecure about themselves and is envious of the people they aren’t. But that doesn’t matter because Freddie has Mickey clone #53, the most blatant one yet, on his side. (Why do all these mice like hanging out in cuspidors?)

Freddie has all the confidence that they will win the game tomorrow. Hugh disagrees. What do you think? Is it just because he’s on the opposing team? Or cuz he also wants Freddie to fail at something? (Should he even be allowed at this party?) DAY OF THE GAME! Everybody is here! If they’re not here, then they’re nobody. Simple logic, really. And we get an early version of the “cat eating” gag (sadly not a “cat-eating” gag,) from “Goopy Geer.” They really trimmed it down by then, as it originally had a 4th cat who licks his lips. On the better side, at least there’s no chewing with the mouth open. That’s always gross, no matter how little of the color spectrum is used.

The name of the game is American football. There’s the kickoff, and Freddie’s teammate, Porgie the Porkman catches it in his belly. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s only because he has unwittingly committed cannibalism. Freddie kicks the ball back out and makes a play that Bosko will steal someday. This game is more exciting though, as the players have to navigate ponds on the field. Freddie paddles along, but the duck opponent has an advantage and gets the ball past the goal.

Now, because you’ve been bad, you get two jokes that aged poorly right in a row. If the big-beaked parrots being jewish doesn’t offend you, how about the over-the-top gay cock? Wow. Freddie, forget the game’s score, your picture just lost a point itself. Take it up with the rule book. It clearly states that as time goes on, any joke that makes fun of groups of people will be considered mean and wrong. I didn’t write that rule. I kinda miss the days when a man in drag was considered a joke and nothing more. And fat shaming. Fat shaming was fun. (You’ve read the blog rules right? “Don’t take me seriously.”?

When Freddie gets the ball again, he’s got the entire opposing team chasing him. I think. The shot shows them running towards him head on, but they don’t meet up. Freddie has a brilliant idea though. A fresh one! He rolls a fence into a loop, and hamster-wheels his way through the opposition. Hugh tries to stop grab him while Freddie traverses the underwear on the clothesline part of the field, but the title song is getting another go. Freddie’s win was inevitable after that.

Favorite Part: Blowing raspberries is gross, childish, and just too raunchy for sensitive folks. Having Hugh say “Raspberries.” is funny if I get to say so myself. I do? Thanks!

Personal Rating: 2. I told ya it dropped a point. Sucks, but the rules are iron-clad.

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A Day at the Zoo

“I want to see the D.A.!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by Rollin Hamilton; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on March 11, 1939.

I’ve been eager to discuss this one as this was my favorite short film as a child. If you don’t already know why, then you probably don’t care. ANIMALS! My special interest! My first love! My closest thing I have to a talent! And since a zoo is just a bunch of animals in one convenient location, the nearest one was always my preferred field trip. Of course, many people really hate zoos. Calling them nothing more than prisons.  As someone who has worked in one, I can tell you that you’re wrong. And I’m glad that I can and you can’t. It’s just not how it works.

(Skip this paragraph if you want the cartoon synopsis.) First of, any real zoo isn’t allowed to just go capture animals out of their native habitat. That’s illegal. That was done in the past. If they get a new exhibit, it was either bred or transferred. With that said, they’re not really 100% wild animals anymore. Nor are they domestic. They’re in the middle. Fairly accustomed to humans, but not tame. So they need enrichment to keep their minds active. Any real zoo will make sure the animals have a spacious enclosure, and the aforementioned enrichment. And they’re meant to educate, so I see downside. Not my fault most people go to zoos for food.

High point of childhood time! Man, was I lucky that my grandfather had this short on VHS. Man, was I upset when the tape was lost. It’s Tex Avery spot gags at their finest! Maybe I’m nostalgia blind, but maybe I’m totally correct. Why wasn’t that your first guess? You know you’re in for a good time just by the the title of the zoo: Kalama. (And they respect your intelligence by not saying it aloud.) We start off with some jokes that I was too young to understand at first. To whit:

  • A wolf at his natural habitat: a door. (As a kid, I just figured this was in reference to the three little pigs.)
  • A pack of camels and the animals that smoke them. (I did get this one. And I loved it.)
  • A north American greyhound. (Can’t think of a better way to use fossil fuels!)
  • 2 bucks and five scents. (Cervine and mephitidae.)
  • 2 friendly elks. (Totally lost as a child. Not helped by the fact I thought the narrator said “elves.” I figured elves in a zoo was a kind of a joke.)

Okay, discussing the gags verbatim is not my style. Let’s see what kind of jokes are happening at the primate pavilion.

It’s a shame they haven’t put up that “Do not feed the humans” sign, but really how can the monkeys say ‘no’ when the little guys stand on their hind legs like that? They also need to fix their “Bonobo” sign. That is not a baboon. But what he is, is very intelligent. He’s figured out that human beings are a close relative of his. Putting some doubt in the zookeeper’s mind allows him to switch cage sides. Look how much happier he is! And one lady deliberately ignores the sign forbidding her to feed monkeys. (With bars that wide, the little guy can feed himself just fine.) He flings her offering back in her face asking the twit if she’s illiterate.

Egghead is playing running gag again, as he will later. Specifically, he’s teasing a lion. That’s just mean. That lion already has a crappy cage to call home (figuratively and most likely literally), is underfed, (those bones have no meat on them) and now has to deal with a little punk who dares to laugh at the king of the beasts? The narrator agrees with me and reprimands the squirt. Egghead stops while we’re focusing on him, but keeps coming back as it’s fun and not hurting himself. That should be good enough for everyone.

Now let’s take a peek at bird gags at the Tex Aviary. (You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to type that pun.) An owl who doesn’t seem aware that he’s supposed to be wise; (smarter than the idiots who put him in a cage of natural prey), and a parrot who turns down the offer of a cracker, requesting a beer. This is the funniest joke ever to a seven-year old. Parrots asking for beer really should be in every animated work. It really would have brightened up “Grave of the Fireflies.” And don’t forget your daily reminder that female ostriches have BROWN plumage. Their eggs containing a dozen chicken eggs; that’s accurate.

The zoo has just got an elephant in, but the express company that sent him still has his trunk. It’s horrifically funny. And speaking of, the next cage has some horrors from New Year’s inside. Seriously, why are pink elephants always so scary?

Horrifying!
A literal nightmare!
Actually don’t bother me until they become a highly detailed eye.
Not you. You’re one of the good ones.

Back in the day, I was immune because my grandfather’s copy was pretty poor quality. But I knew what they were! And I was wary!

There’s also a random bit where we see a guy who used to perform at a circus. He put his head in lion’s mouths. I guess he’s a keeper now? I mean, you could take him anywhere and he wouldn’t know where he was. Nothing from the shoulders up survived! Speaking of lions…

The old guy is napping peacefully. The narrator is pleased to see that Egghead must have finally gone home. The lion denies this, but taking a peek down his throat shows Eggy is going to be called there very soon. He still doesn’t sound remorseful.

Favorite Part: That ending. How can you doubt I love animals when I get immense pleasure from seeing them get back at the humans who wronged them? Egghead got what he deserved.

Personal Rating: 3. I don’t care if I am biased, I do think these are some quality jokes.

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The Good Egg

“Isn’t he cute?”

Wouldn’t you know it? He’s still in a shell.

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Animation by Keen Harris; Story by Dave Monahan; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on October 21, 1939.

I’m very lucky that Mother’s Day falls on a Sunday this year. It ties in nicely with our post.

All the hens in the hen-house have creepy grins on. Grins that say “Our eggs weren’t the only things getting laid.” It can’t just be my own dirty thoughts, as the eggs are indeed fertile. And I lied when I said ‘All the hens in the hen-house have creepy grins on.’ There’s one who’s infertile, and that’s reason enough to be miserable. Chicks are adorable, and once they’re not, you can eat them. In other words, I understand her sadness. Seeing how happy all the mothers are isn’t helping any. She’s got baby fever, but bad.

Seriously though, we should be worried. So desperate is she to have something to love, she’s starting scooping up any babies she finds in the yard and fawning and cooing over them. This is not a healthy coping mechanism, and I recommend professional help. Or suicide works too, I guess. Seems a bit extreme, but her death will be delici- humane and painless. She chooses drowning as her way out. And I recommend never killing yourself. Well, maybe sacrifice is debatable.

While running towards doom, the hen trips over an egg. A large egg! It’s like, kiwi sized, but the color is off. Maybe it’s an albino egg. She decides death can wait, and adopts it. Seriously though, we should be worried. Note how she fearfully looks over shoulder while running as fast as she can. She legitimately thinks she’s stealing somebodies baby to fill her empty existence. It’s really quite sickening. Let’s call the egg Arizona, regardless of what’s in it.

She gets over guilt faster than a shrew feels full. Eagerly anticipating the day by knitting some shorts. I thought booties were the traditional thing to make… oh wait, chickens get those on when they die. Yeah, so why not make something that will cover the part of the body that feathers won’t? Maybe she will be a great mom. So what was coming out of that out of scale egg, anyhow? It’s got scaly legs and a beak. I guess it must be a chicken. I’m super gooder at making edumacated guessez.

She sends the little fella to play with the other kids, but they laugh at his claims that he’s as chicken as they are. It’s mean and cruel, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from children. Now, if they had decent parents, this is where they would come in and tell them that making fun of others based on their appearances is wrong. Wait until their actions give you some good ammo. The feathered chicks decide a game of pirates is in order, so they shove off via box boat. While they don’t really exclude Arizona, they also don’t wait up and laugh when he or she fails to join them. (See? You could make fun of their speed. Call them a ‘tortoise’.)

Arizona mopes, but the other chicks have it worse. Seems they didn’t know cardboard makes for lousy boat material and now they have no boat. Their screams for help indicate they aren’t drowning yet, but speed will still be of the essence. Now, if I directed this cartoon, Arizona’s natural slowness would spell disaster for the chicks. And there’d be more pigs. I’m not Chuck Jones, so you will be pleased to know that Arizona is able to run down to the water, swim to their location, and bring all four of them back alive. Yay.

Now whenever the chicks sail, (because near-death isn’t as traumatic as people claim) they always bring Arizona along to play lifeguard. It’s always so uplifting to have people accept you for the things you can do, rather than the person you are. So realistic.

Favorite Part: Ummm… I guess one of the hens diapering eggs so the chicks would hatch wearing them was kinda cute. I’ve never seen that before. Wait, they’re the only chicks we see like that. Does time pass? Or does their family just have incontinence issues?

Personal Rating: 2. There’s a few cute moments that just barely make it not unwatchable. Light jokes though. If he doesn’t ease up of the Disney homages, there will be Chuck Jones in Trouble.

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Mr. and Mrs. is the Name

♫”Mr. and Mrs. is the name!”♫

Supervision by  Isadore Freleng; Animation by Ben Clopton and Cal Dalton; Music by Bernard Brown. A Merrie Melody released on January 19, 1935.

There’s an island that none of humanity knows about where merpeople live. A predominately female species, that doesn’t have the same rules of modesty that we have. That is awesome for people who are attracted to things like this, but it makes perfect sense, too. Are those actually mammary glands? Are they egg sacs? We’re not given an answer because it’s not important. Though, someone really should put together concrete merperson (or merson) anatomy rules.

From other observations, it’s clear that if they are related to fish, it would the be the lobe-finned kind. They can stand on their fins most comfortably. Sure, they have a narrow stance, and waddle, but this means merfolk are actually amphibians. The larvae probably have no hands when they hatch, and feathery gills. Or not, seeing as our short is going to focus on two of the young ones, and they look the opposite of what I described. Let’s all agree with me and call the more “endowed” ones their mothers, and they are using siren songs to crash ships and get some sailor meat for dinner.

Our two leads are basically Buddy and one of the myriad Cookie designs. (The blonde one.) They’re great friends and love a good game of tag that can be played in three dimensions. I call them Mercer and May, and you can do likewise. Otherwise, you can write your own blog. Mercer tags May really hard on her rump. I won’t deny that probably hurts, but, the merson anatomy still boggles and confounds. Would the anus be located there? Or closer to the fins? What I’m saying is: if he was older, could she claim sexual harassment, or just plain violence?

I’m not joking about overreacting, as May stomps off in a huff. Male mersons are just too rough, and that’s why they’re driven away from the schools upon reaching sexual maturity. Mercer is able to get her to come back when he finds one of the ships his mom helped sink is still laden with material goods. Females are females, and May is smitten with the chest of jewels. Mercer is more interested in the old clothes and makes a costume with which to do a Chaplin impression. He knows who that is because when you eat a human, you gain everything in their brain. Don’t try it yourself.

While they have their fun, the ocean continues to be a dangerous place. Today’s featured threat is named Otto. He grabs May and I know what we’re all equating this to. Tentacles and a minor do not lend themselves to any pleasant ideas. But, I’ve got a crazy idea, maybe he just wants to eat her? I mean, he is a predator, right? Wow. Digging myself deeper is way easier than I imagined. Mercer is on his way, and Otto speeds up when he remembers he has a siphon. Like in a lot of cartoons, it and his mouth have switched places. It being acknowledged at all is still impressive.

While Mercer plays catch-up by tying an electric fan to himself, May does her part by hitting Otto with a fish skeleton. She doesn’t actually try to escape, or fight back more, but she does get grabbed again. That was all very pointless, but it filled up some run-time. Mercer arrives shortly after, but the octopus reminds him why they call him One-punch Otto. He reminds him more than 24 times, but I can’t count the correct amount. Nor am I even sure I can count that high. He then traps the young merson underneath him. If his mouth was down there, he could win. Instead, Mercer pokes him in his siphon.

The maddened moullusk chases him into a pipe, but since his mouth is bigger than it, he struggles to get through. Mercer traps him by tying his tentacles in knots. I spot one changing color, but that’s scientifically accurate. Now, they can torture him. There’s a piece of ship mast in here tied to something I’m sure, that the two kids can swing into his head until he starves or rips his limbs off. In the meantime, May rewards her hero with a kiss. The title was prophetic.

Favorite Part: A new twist on an old pun. In the ship, you can see Davy Jones’ FOOT locker.

Personal Rating: 2

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Bosko’s Knight-mare

♪”I’m young and healthy…”♪

He don’t fear dragons. Dragons is so stupid!

Animation by Bob McKimson and Robert Stokes. A Looney Tune released on June 8, 1933.

Once again, it’s the greatest day of the year! The day I get to blog for the benefit of everyone who is too bashful to leave any kind of feedback. It really is adorable.

Bosko is reading about the days of yore. That’s what we called the time period during which King Arthur reined. If you weren’t him; you were the next best thing: a knight. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Bosko lives in the 1930’s and can only hope to be a knight at night whilst he sleeps. Still ahead. Right now, he’s still reading. He tries to share his interest with Bruno, but the dog couldn’t care any less if he cared enough to try. It really does suck having an obsession all to yourself.

When Bosko turns the radio station to some music, he starts to drift to dreamland. Unlike nightmares, which tend to scare you, knight-mares are horses that practice gallantry. But we’re not talking about them. Bosko is finally as knight as they come. And at last, in his dreams, Bruno shares in the joy. They’re off to generic castle to party with the other knights. They’re some of Bosko’s pals from showbiz. You’ve got all four Earls of Marx, Sir Durante, Lord Wynn, Duke Hardy, and Gandhi, because I’m sure these are the kind of people he wants to serve. (Good luck finding a print that includes him without an animation historian talking over it. I couldn’t.)

It’s ‘no girls allowed day’, which is everyday, so Honey remains in her chamber. Enter our villain, I guess we could call him the Black Knight, but that’s so overdone. The Sable Knight approaches and sings to Honey. She isn’t interested in a guy who is, and I quote, a meanie. (Insert reference to “Yellow Submarine” here, because I love that film.) He’s going to get her, and that’s that. As he climbs her stairs, she screams for help as all the best princesses are trained to do.

Bosko has to put his dancing on hold. No big loss. I’ve seen those moves before. His small stature allows him to run under Sable’s legs and meet him up there, but it also means he’s the kind of runt Sable uses as a lighter. I never knew Bosko could expel flame if squeezed hard enough. That’s a skill I’d never shut up about. Leaping out the window, Sable flees with the damsel to his own castle: Castle Ditto. Bosko follows on donkey rather than his horse he had earlier. Dreams never are consistent.

Bosko’s on his tail like a remora’s tail is on a shark’s belly. Even though Sable hides himself and Honey in his bedroom, Bosko is already there with a machine gun. Historical accuracy is neat! Sable can take it, and after making a pretty intimidating face, rolls up his armor and punches Bosko out cold. This might be pretty suspenseful if we weren’t aware it was a knight-mare nightmare! Honey trying to wake him up is really Bruno trying to wake him up. He succeeds. Well, as long as Bosko’s awake, he might as well go to bed. Wish I could be so lucky.

Favorite Part: When Bosko’s donkey throws him into some water, Bosko’s armor instantly becomes a submarine. Why haven’t I been able to do that in a video game yet?

Personal Rating: 2

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Why do I Dream those Dreams?

“Go lay down!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Robert McKimson; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on June 30, 1934.

You mean the ones where I willingly choose to go to work stark nude and nobody notices? I think that’s me subconsciously admitting how invisible I feel, and how desperately I want to be noticed. And now for our featured attraction.

A disturbance of an occurrence is going down at the Van Winkle house. Rip and the dog are being thrown out by the Mrs. If you speak Chip/Dale, you can learn her reasons. Mine’s a bit rusty, but it sounds like not wiping his feet was the last straw. He’s also a lazy good-for-less-than-nothing, and his dog isn’t much better. They can go live in the forest for all she cares. And… she left her socks in the gerenuk? Well, that’s on you, lady.

Rip’s easy going. He just crosses his name off the property, takes his gun and color changing hat, and heads off to get whatever life gives him. His dog follows because dog’s are good and loyal and won’t stop being your friend even if your autistic brain made you not realize the severity of your words and now you’re not even able to apologize. And… so are the… children. … Are you on… uh, “good” terms with these children? I’m not allowed to see minors follow men with guns.

Ah. They were just seeing him off. *Relieved sigh* And it turns out his gun is only for decoration/is the only possession in his name. He’s really a fisherman; and he found a way to make that easier. He puts his bait on a mousetrap that’s tied to the pole. And I gotta know: do you think that would work? If I hadn’t taken a vow to never kill any of my animal friends, I’d go try it right now. Honest I would!

Fittingly enough for a Van Winkle, Rip falls asleep. The merry little dwarfs that didn’t get a callback from Walt are nearby. They’re just doing whatever fictional, non-human dwarfs do. Drink, dance, be merry and little, and drink. You’re not a true dwarf if you don’t have a beer gut. When they notice Rip, they all gather for a closer look/try to rob him. Unfortunately, I can’t find a good enough print of the short that clues me into the objects in his pocket that makes the little guys laugh. Are they receipts? A list of debt collectors? Porn? One of those candy wrappers that have “jokes” printed on them?

Screwing around with his gun fires it, and he wakes. They dart back home, but the damage is done: Rip is aware of their settlement. Good thing he doesn’t give a crap about learning about a secret society unknown by humankind. He’s just going to help himself to their kegs. At his scale, they’re little more than a pint. What they’re not is ‘meant for human consumption’. That drink makes dwarfs out of thin dwarfs, so it is for him.

His dog finds him, and is as loyal and good as I promised. Plus, Rip still smells like Rip, so it must be Rip. The problem is that the dog is so much more powerful in comparison now. You could drown in his tongue, and your spine would snap if he tried to leap on you. Rip escapes death by love by riding a realistically drawn grasshopper. Well, it was, until Rip got his Toon germs on it. Riding grasshoppers is nothing I’ve ever thought about, but now; can anyone loan me some dwarf ale?

The insect bucks him off into a spider’s web. And it’s not abandoned. And that’s not a spider, unless it’s back legs haven’t grown back yet. Either way, it’s hungry. But don’t worry, after the venom is injected, you won’t feel a thing. This dream was made possible by the fact that Rip’s been asleep for some time now, and spiders have built webs around him. Spider love being in close contact with human beings. More of you should be as happy to see them as I am. I’m banning you from returning until you do.

I can’t fathom the exact number of years he slept. Is that his dog? Or one of his dog’s descendants? Actually, those are them over there. Joke or not, why does Rip tell him off? For taking them away from their mother? Actually, maybe this is the mother. In which case… how dare she get knocked up? Don’t tell people that!

Favorite Part: The dog going back to old bag Winkle just to blow a raspberry. Loyal, good, friendly, cute, why would anyone need a wife? (Answer: Dog’s normally don’t last into your 80’s.)

Personal Rating: 1. Feels a bit scattered. It’s about Van Winkle. No, it’s about the dwarfs. Nah, it’s about Shrinkle Winkle! Actually, it’s about over.

Now, if you’ll excuse me/speaking of dreams, I’m going to go pretend I live in a world where “Coyote Vs Acme” will be released. *Learns what Ketchup Entertainment is going to be releasing next year* For the love of all that is holy: DON’T EVER WAKE ME UP FROM THIS DREAM!!!!!!!

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Robin Hood makes Good

“I’d like to be the good guy once in a while. I guess.”

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Animation by Robert McKimson; Story by Dave Monahan; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on February 11, 1939.

Watching nearly 100 year old cartoons is super fun, but reading several century old books can be equally thrilling. Visit your local library today! The only two animals capable of finding enjoyment this way are humans, and squirrels. Oh, I can back those claims up! I enjoy it, and the squirrels do too. Easy! The ‘book of the month club’ book for this month, is a collection of tales about Robin Hood. Squirrels love long tails!

Three squirrel… brothers? Nothing confirms they’re brothers, but nothing denies it, either. Yeah, three squirrel brothers are engrossed in the book. And what’s more fun than reading a book? Role playing as the characters! Who wants to join me in a little “Clockwork Orange?” The youngest brother offers to play the titular Hoodlum, but his older brother challenges that by asking a simple question: “Who’s gonna be Robin Hood?”

After he gets his way, his title is taken by his elder bro. As the eldest of three, I’ve been here before. But they left out the best part: arguing! I always won those because I said so.

Hey, maybe these guys need names. From biggest to smallest: Squzzy, Sqozzy, Sqizzy. Because Sqozzy was generous to give his superior the appropriate position, he is rewarded with the “privilege” of portraying Little John. Now gosh, that still leaves the question of who will be the villain. We need a villain to justify the thieving! Someone small, and squishy, and adopted…

I can’t believe Sqizzy hasn’t caught on yet. I do love his “Meeeeee?” when he finds out. He wants no part in this, but Sqozzy tells him its easy to get beat up, robbed, and belittled. And it will be fun. With no say so in the matter, Sqizz is put into costume and sent on his way. This is the way its always done, so accept your role. You are the villain in these literary games. You were the Monster of “Frankenstein”, the windmill of “Don Quixote” and the Mr. Rochester of “Jane Eyre.”

While the most charming song about harassing capitalists is being sung, their antics are watched by a fox. A cursory skim at their book tells him all he needs to know to lure them into his clutches. He calls for help in falsetto, claiming to be Maid Marion. (I always figured she was a fox.) It’s a shame that the boys hadn’t reached that part of the book yet, so they’re hesitating. They’re also not questioning how their imagination is coming to life. They voluntell the youngest to get the goods.

Though he looks more ground squirrel to me, he has the speed of his arboreal cousins, and snatches the book without getting snatched himself. The fox only managed to get a mouthful of flowers. Since he’s GF, he leaves in a huff. The squirrels were probably sour, anyway. Speaking of, the book has just let them know that lovely ole Marion is Robin’s sweetheart. That means they gotta save her! (Aren’t you guys minors? It could explain why you’re dumb enough to fall for this.)

Hearing the kids answer his call eventually, the fox gets back into character and has them follow the siren calls into a secluded cabin, with a locked back door. You know, this cartoon was way ahead of its time. Once the two are in, the fox enters as well, locking the other door. I know he is going to eat them, but it still sounds reeeeeeally disturbing to hear him admit how much he likes little squirrels. Figurative predators have tainted the literal ones forever. A-holes.

Being so young and small, Sqizzy was too slow to make it into the house with the other two. Peeking through the door, he witnesses the fox telling his now tied-up brethren about the side dishes that will soon be their new neighbors. Shame they were pricks, otherwise Sqizz might have felt the need to lend a paw. Wait. This is his chance to prove he can be a hero! Good thing there was a French Horn just lying in the forest. (And if that’s not what it is, I don’t care. I just listen to the music; never claimed to understand it.)

As the fox prepares his meal, he hears the sound of hunting horns and howling hounds. (How does Sqizz manage to echo like that?) “They” follow the trail straight to the cabin, happily exclaiming they will have fox stew tonight. (Much more humane than just getting his tail.) God-level acting is Mel (which is actually his level when he’s not trying) as the fox showing his true colors. Sure he’s a carnivore, but that doesn’t mean he’s not afraid to die. And with both doors locked, he’s bargaining with his prey to do him a favor, while taking breaks to pound on the exit with all his might. (This short takes place in the future of Octember 1952. Which really did start on a Sunday.)

When he’s gone, the bros. easily escape their harnesses and go to thank their heroes. It’s always nice when squirrels talk to humans; never the results of witchcraft or mushroom sambas. But all they find is their little brother who’s got just one question for them: “Whoooo’s gonna be Robin Hood?” I’m gonna hazard a guess. Squzzy. No way in hell is he letting you hold anything over his head.

Favorite Part: I suppose I should grant it to Mel as the fox, but the line that’s always stuck with me is Sqizzy saying “Guess we better break down the door.” I can’t explain it better than its always made me laugh. Maybe because he sounds so deadpan?

Personal Rating: 3

Now, what’s this I hear about the Termite Terrace building getting torn down? I don’t want to live in a world where that happens! Are you really willing to lose me?

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Porky’s Building

“This is indeed a malignant situation.”

Porky and Flabby.

Supervision by Frank Tashlin; Animation by Volney White and Norman McCabe; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on June 19, 1937.

You know you’re in for a good time when, before the title card, we’re told that yeah, the things you’re about to see are based on those living, dead, and yet to live. You want to try being 100% percent creative 100% of the time? You’ve already been beaten to the punch by somebody who was already beaten to the punch, ad infinitum.

Sandy C. Ment, the simian building commissioner needs a new city hall built. He’s got two choices of contractors: Dirty Diggs, a round mound of a bully hound, but what choice would he have with a name like that, and Porky Pig, the best contractor the world has ever been blessed with. Not only does he try to be friendly with Dirt, but he actually does the work he gets paid for, on time, with reasonable prices. The Mr. Ment show asks the two to determine the expenses; lowest cost gets the job.

Both want this job real bad. For Diggs, ’tis a matter of pride. Porky is just civic minded. Both of them figure that 3,000,000.02 dollars is a fair estimate, even if no one asks for their two cents. (The only reason Porky made his so high is that I’m not around to donate to his cause.) Since neither put forth the lowest bid, there’s only one logical solution. They both will construct a hall. First one done, wins the job. The government gets a free building this way, and when the government wins, oh heck, it always does.

The contest begins. Diggs might have some expensive machinery, but if Porky’s flashing sign on his excavator means anything, he was able to afford neon. Whatever their expenses are, both can afford top-notch teams to make reality become fantasy. I think Porky has some familiar faces on his side. Could that be Benny and Betty Beaver? And I’m sure that camel is a war hero. But the one animal Porky won’t let help is the random rabbit. (I’m choosing to say they’re a-…) She probably doesn’t even work for him, since she keeps changing job-labeled shirts to sell herself. She’s probably just me in a past life.

Porky’s got a great lead. It’s because he has natural leadership and charisma. I’ve been telling you that for years. But Dirty isn’t afraid to cheat. He’d probably spontaneously combust if he didn’t. He sends his crew home early, and breaks out his secret weapon: Dirty Digg’s Brick Laying Machine. Patent Pending. All Rights Reserved. This little beauty is built like a tank and fires like a machine gun. Good thing putting up the framework is always the easiest, fastest part of the job, now Dirt boy can just sit back and let the bricks fly.

Porky isn’t stupid enough to try and win an unwinnable race. He opts for the mature choice of bemoaning how his project is going to end up as a crack house or a Starbucks. (He’s so sad, he’s dry sobbing.)  Foolette the rabbit still striving to help, offers her help. Porky keeps on refusing. He’s not even being mean about it. His “no’s” sound like a kid honestly admitting they can’t answer a question. And there’s no point in getting involved in hopeless endeavors. But Foolette is so upset, Porky relents and lets her attempt what she can.

She may be small, but there’s some power in those ears. They can be used as extra limbs, and that’s good as she doesn’t feel like using her arms today. Even better is that they’re unmatched in speed, save for a brick-tank-gun. Her efforts get the buildings’ progress tied in almost no time. To stay in the game, D.D. tries stepping up the speed on his ride. If it has one design flaw, it’s having the reverse function set after the speediest setting. Also, it tends to jam at that dial.

You know, why would you even want that on your device? It’s almost as if someone sabotaged your tank. *Malicious grin*. The bricks get sucked off the building, causing a dangerous amount of buildup. (Diggs is so upset, he talks without moving his mouth.) It’s gonna blow! Just like his work ethic. *Rimshot*.  It’s clear Porky is our winner, as he is always meant to be. (Have you been to see his new movie yet? Have you made everyone you’ve ever met go? Don’t put this off.) Good guy that he is, he makes sure that Foolette gets most of the credit. Ear-obics do pay off!

Favorite Part: Another old acquaintance has set some dynamite. But is bothered by all the nosy onlookers who love detonators. He lures them over to the explosives, and sneaks back to do his job. Savage AF, but all in the name of progress.

Personal Rating: 4

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September in the Rain

“Remember?”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Cal Dalton; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 18, 1937.

How many times have I discussed cartoons about product mascots coming to life? More than you have, I’ll wager. If I want to keep my lead, I’ll have to do it again. But doing things you’ve already done is pointless if you have nothing new to say. Good thing I’ve never claimed my life as anything but pointless. That means I can reuse text from previous posts if I need to.

During night, when no living person is around, the mascots for products come to life and… just sing and dance really. A blueing bottles sings “Am I blue?”, a disgusting rubber glove inflates itself to bounce to the music, and even some of our real world mascots join in. Like Camel camels and the Morton’s salt girl. I gotta admit though, some of the mascots don’t make sense to me. What do weeds have to do with scotch? If you count thistles as weeds, that is.

It’s a real honor to see this kind of stuff. You really want to know how the icons react to those who find out their living secret? They’ll try to eat you alive. That’s what the chicks on the “My am I?” powder do.  That worm/larvae is lucky to escape into some genetically modified apples. You ever been digested in a 2-d body? It hurts. You ever try to eat an apple bigger than your head in one sitting? It’s filling, but not organic.

Our title song comes from the guy pictured on the “Dream of Wheat” box. He sounds a bit like Al Jolson, but it couldn’t be him. This guy is legitimately black. (Except for his sometimes white chin.) His mother is Aunt Emma of the pancake flour for crying out loud! The only other possibility would be her encouraging her son to paint his skin, and save her the embarrassment of admitting she had to adopt.  I don’t like that one as much. More feelings are liable to get hurt.

Two cigarette icons dance together, and I want to ship them, but if they procreate, then there would be more pro-smoking ads in the world. I can’t allow that. Smoking took my Walt’s life! I wouldn’t want anyone else to live through that trauma. I forbid you two from seeing each other after this short ends.

Now then, if you thought this short was getting away with reusing footage from the past, it will be punished by having the upbeat parts stolen from it and reused in a future short that’ll leave more of a legacy. The “Gold Rust twins”, Armstrong and Cats, I mean-… actually, let’s just stick with Cats, start up a lively musical number of “Nagasaki”. All the hep cat icons join in, from Aunt Emma to the guys on the “Yea Man” hams. And since we don’t really have a way to end this, we won’t. We’ll just stop and hope you won’t notice. Good night!

Favorite Part: A piper on a coffee can (again with the no sense make) charms some toothpaste out of its tube. I’ve never seen snake toothpaste before.

Personal Rating: 1. There’s hardly anything here you haven’t seen before, and won’t see again. You want grocery gags? That’s Goofy.