Category: Minor Characters

If a character made between 2-4 appearances during the golden age, then their cartoons can be found in this category.

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Buddy’s Lost World

“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Sandy Walker; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on May 18, 1935.

Buddy and Bozo are setting off on an expedition to find a lost world. If you know it exists, is it really considered “lost”? I ask because I care. I’m not the only one. Look at those crowds seeing the two off! They’re either well wishers or scientists. Yep. Definitely none of them are just happy to see Buddy leave and hopefully never come back. That would be a shame. And where’s Cookie?

After traveling for hours I guess, the two explorers spot land. Good thing, as a dog can’t live of human meat for long. Pro tip: bring something to eat when you plan to travel somewhere that probably doesn’t have a 7-11. After getting back to the soil, Buddy checks his map to confirm this is a lost island. He has a map of this place? So, no, it isn’t lost. Buddy is just trying to take credit for something the vikings already did. Considering what tomorrow is, do you still wonder why I chose this short?

Bozo starts to sniff and immediately finds a new type of creature that camouflages itself as humanoid footprints. It works great when actual footprints are nearby. Bozo is lucky he found the last of them! While following the fauxprints (Podiprintus incognito) Bozo walks between some fascinating tree trunks. I know I saw a similar gag in the Mickey cartoon “The Moose Hunt”. I’d be happy to call it a coincidence, if the sauropod didn’t start sniffing along after. This is an homage! And a scientific breakthrough! An extant madeupasaurus! The only thing bigger would be finding a live coelacanth.

As Bozo flees, it happens to come across the real inhabitants of this land: humans. Humans that still display some animalistic characteristics, such as burying bones. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was supposed to be a dog with a human face or not, until it refused to get a whiff of Bozo’s scent glands. (Hey, it looked like that was where Mr. King was going with this.) Bozo isn’t a thief, and tries digging up something for himself. The bone he finds still has a majority of its friends with it, and he ends up trapped under the rib-cage.

Buddy to the rescue. (He’s been documenting plants.) Help the poor puppy out, would ya? Those whines sound too authentic to be funny. Once he’s taken care of it, Buddy finally catches sight of the human. Forgetting any trepidation he had earlier, Bozo gives chase. Turns out, running on all fours was the most natural way these people could have evolved. It not only makes them twice as fast, but keeps them from developing tools. The first step towards war.

The chase leads to a… chamber. Maybe it’s a hollowed out tree? And the primitive door keeps Buddy out. Not really understanding how doors work all of a sudden, Buddy just calls for the canine to come out. He… he can’t hear you. And excess noise is just alerting predatoooooors. Here we see another marvel of nature. A type of plant that grows in front of these entrances, and feeds on the ones who don’t get shelter. One organism gets fed, and the other gets rid of competition for mates. Perfect mutualism! Buddy is plant food. I’m sure some people are glad he finally found his purpose.

Evolution hasn’t really perfected this plant yet. Instead of having a chamber in which the prey can drown and dissolve, they just go straight to the roots. This works great if the roots come out under ground and the victim has no alternative to inhaling sediment, but this plant has been growing awhile and its roots are starting to poke out of a cliff face. Buddy peers down and sees the sort of lifestyle these primitive humans have. It’s a male dominated society, because hayes code forbid we get to see sexy, stone-age sluts. The hierarchy is built on some kind of rules: you’re either the mount or the rider during croquet. (Or if that effeminate voice is any indication, this is just the village of homosexuals.)

Buddy tries to climb down a tree trunk to get a closer look, but its a sauropod again. Good thing they are vegetarian, and more importantly, friendly. I want one. Having fun feeding an animal, (which really is fun, if not ethical) he doesn’t notice some people have taken notice. … Of him. He’s too busy showing off his superpower: the ability to completely disappear for half a second. It astounds those who can’t blink. The men plan to capture Buddy, and they have just the bait to lure him in: Bozo! They set him on a human-sized mousetrap, a human trap, basically,  and let his cries do the rest.

Buddy falls for it. Oh, I’m sure he would have recognized it as a trap if was smaller and not effective. Not a trap, basically. With the two caught: it’s time to eat them. You know, why do natives always want to eat new people? They obviously don’t fear them, or they’d just kill them and leave them alone. No, it’s always got to be a soup. Maybe they’re just susceptible to colds? Buddy doesn’t try to climb out, because that would be rude. All he can do is call for help and hope one of the nonexistent ladies will find him cute. It may sound kinky, but I’d also choose being a pet over a dinner. (Unless their killing method was fast and painless, of course.)

His cries find the ears of his dinosaurian friend. He’s grown considerably, given the scale he is to the dwellings. And look at that neck! It wasn’t that thick before. And now look at the bottom of the screen. Where did that rock come from? Is it the source of Buddy’s invisibility ability? With the natives gone, Buddy’s animal friends shower him with kisses. I bet when he gets back to his boat, he’ll find a different plant ate it.

Favorite Part: When Buddy leaves on his journey. He doesn’t notice his boat is still tied to the dock, and it falls apart dumping everyone into the water. Yes, by “accident” I’m sure.

Personal Rating: 2. You can’t do much wrong with a lost world idea, but why focus on the humans? Why would humans even be there? Apart from the fact it ages more tastefully, there’s no reason the land can’t be Africa and the helper, an elephant.

 

 

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The Egg Collector

“You got that way, and I’ll go this way.”

My word! A bird! (egg)

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Robert Givens; Animation by Rudolf Larriva; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 20, 1940.

Egg collecting is a hobby I’ve never tried to understand. Actually, I’ve never heard of it outside of cartoons and museums. If that strikes you as fun and you’re not killing any unborn animals, go nuts. I’ll continue to collect Looney Tunes merchandise. Whoever holds the record for the most, please send it to me after you die. I’m just presuming I’m more of a fan than you are.

Sniffles has found a book on the titular topic in the bookstore where his friend lives. In what is the norm around here, this isn’t the friend’s first picture. This friend is a bookworm known as The Bookworm, who looks closer to the real thing than you’d think, seeing as he has limbs. He doesn’t talk, and is figiteraly and liguravely spineless. He’s cute though. Little glasses, droopy cheeks, bow-tie and collar, and little yellow gloves. Just what you’d expect a cartoon bookworm to look like.

The page Sniffles is on says that for amateur egg collectors, a good place to start is with some kind of fusion of ‘great horned’ and ‘barn’ owl: The Great Barn Owl. (Noctua janus.) It’s a good starting choice, because it won’t gut you like a cassowary or projectile excrete on you like a penguin. Nah, these nocturnal birds are pretty near harmless, feeding mostly on small rodents. Sniffles doesn’t know that word, nor the bookworm. (Wisest insect indeed!)

Sniffles figures a rodent must be a flower of some sort. And while it’s just a cute bit, I actually really approve of stories where animals don’t use the names we give them. Why would they? Especially the ones who were named by cruel types:

Fathead Sculpin
Pigbutt Worm
Stink Badger
Goose

And flower isn’t such an uneducated guess. Rodent sounds a bit like rhododendron if you’re drunk/lobotomized, and if the bird is harmless because of its diet, that means it shouldn’t eat aspiring egg collectors. Sniffles doesn’t even act like a rodent. I’ve never seen him gnaw.

The Bookworm just happens to know where one of these owls resides: that church across the street. Sniffles is game so the two head over. But as everyone knows, the inside is the scariest part of any building. The insect isn’t at all ashamed to admit he’s horrified. Sniffles’s scowl makes him change his mind. The rodent says they will split up. Booky agrees, but walks backwards to stay as close to Sniff as possible. With his back turned, he doesn’t notice when Sniffles takes a detour.

A rewarding detour! Sniffles finds the egg. Freshly hatched, so he doesn’t realize he only grabbed half of the shell at first. Upon finding the owlet, Sniffles thinks, “Bonus! Who knew this hobby included free snacks?” So, why do you really think he chooses to child abduct? Even if it’s as harmless as you believe, that’ll just make you look all the worse. Do you really think being a merciless bass turd is going to convince the W.B. to renew your contract? And how’s B.W. doing?

He bumped into father owl. Great shot of the bird eyeing him. Would’ve terrified my childhood a$$. As he thinks things over, he starts absentmindedly plucking feathers. As if papa isn’t pissed enough. The Bookworm suddenly remembers what kind of animals have feathers, and sheepishly tries putting them back, sweating tubs, rather than buckets. When Sniffles finds him, he tells how he got the goods. The owl responding to his comments with tranquil fury. Somehow not seeing the massive bird, Sniffles goes on to insult it as well. It was big, fat, stupid, dumb, old, and a nincompoop. Wait… his little buddy doesn’t talk…

Sniffles finally takes note of the painfully obvious. Mr. Owl delivers another bombshell: Sniffles IS a rodent. And don’t think that Bookworm is exempt from his wrath, he’s also on the menu. How many licks will it take to get to their centers? As he goes in for the kill, Junior reveals himself. As any good parent would, dad is distracted by the “birth” of his child. Relieved to see the little fella is healthy, unharmed, and his. This gives the other their chance to escape. Sniffles grabs the Bookworm and flees back to the store. Now a much wiser rodent.

During the peril, the bookworm fainted. Coming to, he has a heart attack to see the owl is still standing over him. But not really. It’s just the illustration in the book. So you saw that earlier, right Sniff? And you still couldn’t recognize the real thing? I’ve never seen a south american tapir outside of photos, but I think, I THINK, I’d still be able to tell when I was looking at the real thing!

Favorite Part: That shot of when they’re looking up into the church’s attic. Boy is that eerie! You’re just waiting for something to leap out of the darkness/twitch slightly in the distance making you unsure if you really saw something move.

Personal Rating: 2. This is barely different from the previous owl encounter. If the insect wasn’t so adorable, I’d give this a one.

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Bosko’s Dizzy Date

“Come on over, Bosko.”

Bosko and Bruno.

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Bob McKimson. A Looney Tune released on February 6, 1933.

You know what’s funny? “Porky’s Preview.” You know what’s odd? This short’s history. From what I can gather, this cartoon was originally made under another title, “Bosko and Honey.” It was also meant to appear in 1932. Instead, it got held back due to a good sum of reused animation from older works. Strange, yet, the original print can still be viewed. There’s really no need in discussing the one theatergoers didn’t see. But maybe there’s a parallel universe where things are switched around and I’d be blogging a-

Bosko and Honey

“Make it snappy, Bosko.”

Directed by Hugh Harman; Drawn by Rollin Hamilton and Robert MacKimson; Music by Frank Marsales. A Looney Tune released in 1932.

You know what’s humorous? “Breakdowns of 1939.” You know what’s strange? This short’s history. From what I understand, this was the original print of  a short set to debut, but got the axe for reusing too much older footage. While still able to be seen today, the finished print was a different cartoon entirely. It was titled “Bosko’s Dizzy Date.” Both prints are near identical, but since this was the original version, I’ll only discuss it. They’re pretty much the same thin-

-ney is teaching Wilber the fine art of violining. He’s not enjoying himself, and since this is his final appearance, why not let him spend his time doing something pleasant? I know my eardrums would appreciate it. Besides, his white arm disease might be catching. Quarantine the kid! And are you his guardian? Honey decides she might as well not suffer alone, so she calls up her boyfriend. He’s sleeping, so it falls to Bruno to answer the pho-

-ney asks the dog to rouse the sleepy Bosko, and Bruno complies. He shambles over to the phone, more dead than alive. Just like everyone who wakes up before ten A.M. He perks right up upon hearing his sweet-voiced Honey, and agrees to come right over. Honey goes back to her music lesson, but finds Wilber dancing on the keys. Little brat. Are you his guardian? Spank him! It’s not like he could prove you beat him black and b-

-osko decides to give the atmosphere a bit of a breather today, and bikes over to his honey-voiced sweetie. Whenever he enters a pipe, he and Bruno switch roles. Bosko makes for a rather cute dog. But for Honey’s sake, I hope he’s been neut-

-sounds just like that dog who joins him on the end card. I had no idea he was so good at impres-

-ogress goes backwards a bit when Bruno ends up running in a bit of pipe with Bosko caught on top, but falling into a pit fixes everything. Upon arriving, Bosko hears the affront to music that is Wilber. He decides to demonstrate what tunes and melodies are supposed to sound like via his saxophone. Honey is grateful to hear something that doesn’t make her ears envious of the mouth’s ability to vomit. She sings along while Bosko shows off some classic dance moves. Angry at being put in his place, Wilber empties a tub of water on-

-ater doesn’t dampen Bosko’s spirits at all. In fact, he’s able to blow bubbles just like before. Honey dances down them so she can join her BF on an outing. Have fun teaching yourself Wilber. There are no refunds for your lessons. Honey accepts cash or c-

-aught off guard via the sudden drink, but his bathing suit always appears when he needs it, so none of his good clothes were ruined. Still, as punishment, Wilber is banned from the rest of the picture. Bosko takes Honey on his bike, and they pass through the local barnyard. Scaring chickens, and both entering a barn, but Honey exiting on a steer. That’s the pure essence of comedy: a lady riding a bovine against her free will. Tired and cliche it may be, but Bosko yuks it up. You really need to learn to laugh at yourself, beautif-

-aithful Bruno tags behind with the picnic basket, but those trees are calling to him. I’m lying. The tree he has his sights set on knows full well what he intends to do, and kicks him away. Seems its bark is worse than Bruno’s bark. I think that can be my favorite joke. Bosko and Honey, meanwhile, have made themselves comfortable on a log. Bosko then offends Honey agai–

-fails to find the humor in her little mishap, but it’s more than just a figurative storm brewing. The two run for shelter while Bruno is left to get struck by the lightning. Poor little guy. Remember Bosko: dogs should always have priority over lady friends. If they don’t agree, they’re not a good match for you. They take refuge under a bridge, but a nearby pipe still catches Bosko in a deluge. There’s that laugh I wanted Honey to have. Don’t know what was so ‘dizzy’ about this date though. Wasn’t even a torn-

-hat’s where it ends. That was your outing? You really need to get Honey a present to make up for wasting her ti-

-orite Part: The fact that Honey didn’t find it at all odd that Bruno was the one answering the phone. Guess his breed is secretary. Now, the rating I’ll be giving can be applied to the other short as well. That’s-

-onal Rating: 1. Feels like two different cartoons were smushed together because they didn’t know how to end one, and finish the other. I don’t see why they were so afraid to release this one. It was barely changed for i-

-theatrical release. Hope you aren’t too disappointed that I’m not going to discuss both cartoons. The end of the summer season is upon me and I need at least one more dish of ice cream to help me survive eight more months of insufficient heat.

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Westward Whoa

“Th-Th-Th-Th-Those k-k-kids must think we’re pr-pretty dumb.”

Supervision by Jack King; Animation by Paul Smith and Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Looney Tune released on April 25, 1936.

This picture opens up eerily similar to the Mickey short “Pioneer Days”. But that’s explainable. Jack worked on that picture too. And Mickey was all color by this point in time, so they probably figured nobody would even remember his old work anymore. Give anything enough time, and you can claim credit as the first human to create it. I think I just need two more years before I debut my novel: “Anna Karenina”.

A wagon train crosses the land. Beans and Kitty are the leaders of this outfit, and they’ve got the most bad@$$ crew available. There’s Porky Pig.

That’s all. But they might as well bring more along for the trip. You can’t make a whole settlement with only three pioneers. The only other ones I could name though are Ham and Ex, making their final appearance. Good for them. Kitty decides they will make camp in this area that has tall shady trees, comfortable rocks, and essential for life water. Everything you need when taking over somebody else’s home.

This calls for a hootenanny! Let the music and dancing commence! Proto-Petunia dances with the last of Goopy’s lineage. They don’t really care for one another, but they are the closest match for the dog and pig dancers from Mickey’s party. Strangely enough, no Mickey clones show up. You’re telling me those guys have dignity? While the adults have their fun, Ham and Ex tell Beans that they will be off playing “Indians” in the woods. People die on these kind of trails all the time, so Beans just reminds them to be wary of the real deal.

Almost immediately, the two think they spot the feathered headdress of what could be a chief. Wild turkey surprise! They change games and start playing ‘Cry Indians’. That’s a serious threat, and the rest of the train gets their firearms ready to defend. Beans takes a shot and the bird loses his biggest fan. What a disgrace to natural art. The pups laugh themselves silly and don’t think to do so where Beans won’t see. I mean, for all he knows, you could have made a genuine mistake. But not now. Dummies.

He warns that a real “Indian” could very well remove your head. Remembering Ex exists, he tells him he too, could also fall victim. (And if you need help remembering “X” exists, follow this link.) This threat doesn’t bother the kids too much, and they start doing “Indian” impressions next. Once again, panic ensues. The adults waste more bullets, and the brats decide this time to hide, so Beans can’t fail to scare them again. Since he can’t find them, he might as well go back to chopping color-changing wood.

Aw, shucks! Looks like the real deal has shown up. The two are able to get him stuck in a log, and beat him a bit, but their cries for aid aren’t taken seriously anymore. I’m all for children learning, so I don’t feel too bad. There are reinforcements around. Some are human, some are canine, and some are frightening combinations thereof. But the chief almost looks like a dhole, so he might legit be Indian. It feels weird not feeling weird to call him that.

Porky is the first to spot the natives. Poor guy is so scared that even his normal speech pattern is a luxury. He finally shouts things out when an arrow gets him in the rear. Even if this land is rightfully theirs, they have a problem with me now. Whoever shot him, come forward! I promise your death will be swift. Excruciatingly painful, yes, but its the best deal you’re going to get. The pioneers fight back.

Ham and Ex are able to still do some good smacking, (that’s a humorous scream their pursuer has,) but he gets a hold of them anyway. The duo’s screams are heard by Beans who I guess was actually too cowardly to fight and was hiding in the woods. Or nature called. They’d be equally funny. He redeems himself by throwing a bear trap like a hammer and pinching the threat’s cheeks.

Not aware that Beans saved their hides, the twins watch the native flee. With their backs turned, Beans seizes the opportunity to give them a taste of their own medicine. You like that guys? Karma’s your mom!

Favorite Part: One settler is getting chased by a native, and saves some time by handing over his wig. Another joke from Disney, but made funnier here by the native happily cheering.

Personal Rating: 3. I do think Mickey’s was better. Mostly because the natives are all rat/wolves or something. Makes them less offensive today.

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The Henpecked Duck

“Say, is there a magician in the house?”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by John Carey; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on August 30, 1941.

Everybody wants a divorce these days! It’s almost as if romance was a myth all along. I mean, I’ve had my suspicions, but this isn’t about me. The proceedings take place in the court of inhuman relations. Naturally, I’d expect no fairer judge than Porky. Anything he declares just, I do. First case: the duck family. Daffy approaches as miserable as one can be. This must be some screw-up for him to take things this seriously. The maybe soon to be ex-Mrs. approaches determinedly. She really wants that divorce!

Porky asks that she explain why she’d want to part with such a catch. Sure, he’s a bit… or rather he is Daffy, but it’s not like he’d be abusive. Please elaborate. This began when she was going to visit her mother. She and her husband were expecting their first child, so Daffy was going to be incubating them. It already seems like things weren’t working out in Daffy’s favor. Mrs. Duck threatens him bodily harm, doubts his ability to stay focused, and the brow-beaten guy can only reply with a quiet “Yes, m’love.”

Until she’s out of the house and he feels like he can act how he really feels. Mockingly repeating his latest catchphrase and making faces. Revealing she was still within earshot, he returns to the nest on his best behavior. Yeah, I think the poor dear needs to escape such a shrewish wench. Just because we’re guys doesn’t mean the marriage always fails because of us! The flashback keeps going, so I guess Daffy told her this part. Given what we’ve seen, I’m surprised she isn’t trying to embellish it more in her favor. “Yes, Daffy starting to abort our duckling via anvil. Also, he was giving cigarettes to minors.”

Well, Daffy by name also means daffy by nature. It wasn’t long before he was bored of sitting still and starting playing around with the egg. He smashes it between his palms, but there’s no trace of shell, albumen or embryo. It’s disappeared! Then with some awesome magic words: “Hocus-pocus, flippity flam, a-razzamatazz and alakazam!”, the egg reappears without a scratch on it! Look at Daffy’s reaction! Even he is amazed that this worked. Then he… steps out of the scene? Is that right? He clearly steps down onto… nothing. Is it suggesting he came out of the picture to entertain on stage? What am I missing? I just want my life to be complete!

Well, if you can do something once, logic says you can do it again. (I’ve actually died half a dozen times. You just haven’t noticed.) Nope! No dice! That egg is gone! Trapped in the space between spaces. What a place to be born! If that’s even a possibility, of course. Daffy panics. Sure, the wife won’t be pleased, but that was his child too! Over and over, he repeats his chant, saying ‘alakazam’ so much that you could mistake him for a Pokemon, but he gets no results. And time isn’t feeling particularly kind today. It continues to keep moving forward. Time is mean and I don’t like it.

Oh, crap! Look who is actually returning! I was sure she was having a beautiful rest, and deciding she’d never go back to her nest. Daffy needs an egg to fool her, but the closest thing available is a doorknob. As long as it stays pointed down, she’ll never be able to tell. Duck eggs are always as cold as a brass monkey! Where did you think the phrase ‘cold duck’ came from? It rolls over just as he’s sitting, and mama catches on very fast. That brings us to today. Now, I can take her side.

Daffy pleads with Porky to give him just one more chance. I don’t think I’ve made my feelings on Porky clear enough in the fourteen years I’ve been doing this. *ahem* PORKY IS SUCH A STAND UP GUY THAT HE IS WILLING TO LET THE PHSYCOPATH HAVE ANOTHER SHOT AT WHAT HE FAILED TO DO HALF A BILLION TIMES!!! BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IN HIM AND WANTS TO SEE TRUE LOVE PREVAIL!!!! ALSO, HE’D SHARE HIS LUNCH WITH YOU!!!

I’m cool. Listen to me. Anyway, Daffy gives it one final shot, but this time he adds a little something: a prayer. And that was the missing ingredient. Of course! God forsakes all magic that does not come from him, and was waiting to be asked for forgiveness! (My sister just became a missionary. Hats off to her, if you please.) The couple makes up, and the egg hatches. All is beautiful, all is well.

Favorite Part: When Daffy sits on the pointy-side up doorknob, he makes a face. A face that says he didn’t know he was about to be goosed.

But that doesn’t mean he minded.

Personal Rating: 3

And of all the years to not be invited to San Diego Comic-con as a guest! I can’t believe I missed out on seeing the reveal trailer of “Coyote Vs Acme”! Me! The Internet’s looniest fan! I’m that. Believe me. If I don’t see that footage by next week, I’ll… I’ll… Gosh. What will I do?

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Freddie the Freshman

“Hi-ho everybody, hi-ho!”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Paul Smith. A Merrie Melody released on February 20, 1932.

Who’s the freshest kid in town? Don’t be so sure you know if you’ve already read the title and watched the cartoon. Okay, I’ll tell you. It’s Freddie the Freshman, that’s who! Unless you’re a fish, I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. But maybe they just mean his dance moves? Or his breath? How about his car? I want a car that can piece itself back together when it breaks into pieces. I can see it now! (Because my eyes are open.)

So, now we know who Freddie is, but where is he going? To a party of course! That’s where all the fresh men go. They’ve got music, and dancing, ladies and guys; I really can’t remember the last black and white cartoon that showed an actual bull. And I think the lady dog is Gigi before she met Goopy. Freddie pulls up, has a stroke, (No really. Was that intentional?) and his car finally puts itself out of its misery. I’m sure as a spoiled yuppie, Freddie already has a new one in the mail. (Or maybe not. But he looks yuppie-esh.)

The party can really get going now, since everybody knows Freddie and loves Freddie and secretly wishes they were Freddie regardless of who they are now. Gotcha! Hugh Heifer doesn’t think much of him. Because there’s always got to be one person who is insecure about themselves and is envious of the people they aren’t. But that doesn’t matter because Freddie has Mickey clone #53, the most blatant one yet, on his side. (Why do all these mice like hanging out in cuspidors?)

Freddie has all the confidence that they will win the game tomorrow. Hugh disagrees. What do you think? Is it just because he’s on the opposing team? Or cuz he also wants Freddie to fail at something? (Should he even be allowed at this party?) DAY OF THE GAME! Everybody is here! If they’re not here, then they’re nobody. Simple logic, really. And we get an early version of the “cat eating” gag (sadly not a “cat-eating” gag,) from “Goopy Geer.” They really trimmed it down by then, as it originally had a 4th cat who licks his lips. On the better side, at least there’s no chewing with the mouth open. That’s always gross, no matter how little of the color spectrum is used.

The name of the game is American football. There’s the kickoff, and Freddie’s teammate, Porgie the Porkman catches it in his belly. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s only because he has unwittingly committed cannibalism. Freddie kicks the ball back out and makes a play that Bosko will steal someday. This game is more exciting though, as the players have to navigate ponds on the field. Freddie paddles along, but the duck opponent has an advantage and gets the ball past the goal.

Now, because you’ve been bad, you get two jokes that aged poorly right in a row. If the big-beaked parrots being jewish doesn’t offend you, how about the over-the-top gay cock? Wow. Freddie, forget the game’s score, your picture just lost a point itself. Take it up with the rule book. It clearly states that as time goes on, any joke that makes fun of groups of people will be considered mean and wrong. I didn’t write that rule. I kinda miss the days when a man in drag was considered a joke and nothing more. And fat shaming. Fat shaming was fun. (You’ve read the blog rules right? “Don’t take me seriously.”?

When Freddie gets the ball again, he’s got the entire opposing team chasing him. I think. The shot shows them running towards him head on, but they don’t meet up. Freddie has a brilliant idea though. A fresh one! He rolls a fence into a loop, and hamster-wheels his way through the opposition. Hugh tries to stop grab him while Freddie traverses the underwear on the clothesline part of the field, but the title song is getting another go. Freddie’s win was inevitable after that.

Favorite Part: Blowing raspberries is gross, childish, and just too raunchy for sensitive folks. Having Hugh say “Raspberries.” is funny if I get to say so myself. I do? Thanks!

Personal Rating: 2. I told ya it dropped a point. Sucks, but the rules are iron-clad.

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Yankee Doodle Bugs

“You’d better hop along, Cassidy.”

There’s no use changing the history books for little ole him.

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animatin by Art Davis, Manuel Perez, and Virgil Ross; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on August 28, 1954.

As animated series like “School House Rock”, “The Magic School Bus”, and “Animaland” can attest, learning doesn’t have to suck. Therefore, I for one propose that Bugs teach us about American History. Because the country’s birthiversary is this upcoming week, and if you don’t know anything about who/what you’re celebrating, then brother, you’re hardly celebrating at all.

It starts when his nephew, Clyde is struggling to learn about the past. (I’ve discussed Clyde before, but this is his final theatrical appearance.) Wouldn’t be that much of a big deal, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s going to have a test on the subject later today. (That and his books blend into the carpet.) Bugs offers to help. (Clyde: “Do you *half a second pause* know about American history, Uncle Bugs?”) Turns out history is loaded with rabbits. They’ve been involved with Columbus, Napoleon, Nazi Germany, The 1943 Oscars, and the invention of gunpowder. You can quote me on this because I’m a valuable resource.

Bugs starts when the Dutch bought New York for a song. And I mean that in the punniest fashion. The Native Chief got a really good deal. Then pretty much nothing happened for over a hundred years until Benjamin Franklin *clears throat* “discovered” electricity. It was all thanks to the rabbit who held his kite just as lightning struck it. Ben took the credit, because taking the credit is mankind’s greatest invention.

Then a war was set to happen because The King put tacks on the tea. (Punniest. Way.) This could not be stood for, so an army was drafted. The backgrounds have a U.P.A. minimalistic design that goes all the way when we get to George Washington. They’re so minimal, that they cease to exist! Don’t walk into the void, George! It’s probably dangerous! I don’t see any food, for one thing. Wait. He’s fine. It’ll be a bit of a struggle to leave his candy shop, but his wife will just have to handle it herself until he wins independence.

If this is going to be its own country, it’s going to need a flag. A woman named Betsy Ross was assigned the task of sewing it up. She’s got six red stripes that represents all the blood that will be spillt, five white ones that represent the skin tone of the generals, and a blue section that is supposed to be the ocean, which the country will be surrounded by, some day. A rabbit gave her the idea for a finishing touch after he stepped on a rake and saw ten stars. Never having learned to count, she added thirteen.

It was a bitter fight. Cold winters made ice cream men enemies of the sate. What have we become? War truly changes a man. Eventually though, the enemy fleet was bottled up. (Pun. Knee. Est.) Once Washington crossed the Delaware River, victory was won. Simple as that. And that was pretty much everything that happened between then and 1954. This is a very boring country. The next thing worth noting would be Disneyland opening the following year.

Perfect timing! The school bell is chiming and Clyde’s got a test to ace. Bugs is such a good uncle. A guncle, if you will. When school lets out, Clyde comes back angrily glaring. It’s quite funny. Bugs can’t figure out why he’d be scowling like this, so Clyde spells it out for him: D-U-N-C-E C-A-P. I’m sorry kid, but penmanship counts.

Favorite Part: The king is really getting his jollies when he puts tacks on the tea. It’s good to see leaders put the riot in dictator.

Personal Rating: 2. I did say punniest, rather than funniest. I just don’t feel like the jokes were powerful enough. They could have gone farther, but then I guess it would have ended with Clyde getting sent to Special Ed. (Because that’s how they’d handle it at the time, thank you.)

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Bedevilled Rabbit

“Where in Tasmania’s Tasmania?”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by George Grandpre, Ted Bonnicksen, and Keith Darling; Layouts by Robert Gribbroek; Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on April 13, 1957.

Hey, when was the last time I discussed one of Taz’s shorts? Year one? I guess I can tell you my dark secret: I think “Tales of Earthsea” is a great film. Wait, I meant the other one: out of the Tunes’ main cast, Taz is my least favorite. That dosen’t mean I hate him because I don’t! If you can spare me a paragraph or two, I’ll explain my feelings on the guy. Like I should’ve done in year one.

First, the good. And it outweighs the bad. I love his design. Asking people who’ve never heard of Sarcophilus harrisii to just draw what comes to mind when they hear ‘Tasmanian Devil’ is brilliant, if zoologically inaccurate. And he helps introduce people to a lesser-known species. (Pretty sure I knew of him before the real deal.) And his means of locomotion. Becoming a dust devil is one of the most originally unique things I’ve ever heard of. You don’t get imagination like that every day! And marsupials definitely do this!

I couldn’t think of a third example.

The bad? Let’s be real, he kind of is a flat character. His one note is being a wild animal, and he does it great! And his voice. Maybe I can blame my autism, but I’m not a big fan of his shrieking snarls and raspberries. But I can appreciate how much funnier it makes it when he says something coherent. For me, Taz works best in small doses. He’s like mustard. Makes the whole dish better, but I can’t stomach a pudding-cup full. Let’s finally get started.

A crate of carrots are being air-dropped to Tasmania. It’s a pretty moronic way to send mail, but I’ve heard the wildlife is very dangerous, and I don’t think the insurance can cover any more casualties. Bugs made the mistake of sleeping in the patch these carrots were harvested from, and wakes to a whole new locale. But it has eerily similar stampedes to ones he saw in… where did the previous short take place?

He’s able to get a crocodile to stop and tell him what all the fear is about. Even though the reptile folds himself into a traveling case, he still dispenses a pamphlet that will answer all. (B. the B., I don’t think your disguise will help. “Animal-in-origin” means it still has some of the original flavor.) The informational booklet gets right to the point and warns tourists of the Tasmanian Devil. Ferocious, dangerous, and continuously hungry; not to mention it eats just about the entirety of the animal kingdom. Bugs isn’t entirely convinced such a beast even exists.

Well, speak of that devil! He’s gotten taller than I last saw him! He’s recycled animationing his way over right now. (It’s fun to peruse Taz’s diet list. It suggests that he’s the reason we don’t see any unicorns, and has done what Wile E. will never do.) The pamphlet was saving it for last, but yes, rabbits are also a meal of choice. Ever the cool one, Bugs claims to be a monkey as that wasn’t one of the animals listed. (But probably only because there aren’t monkeys in Tasmania.)

Taz still gives chase, tearing every tree in the forest down a peg and a half. When Bugs thinks he’s rid of him, Taz grabs him by the ears. He’s not as dumb as you might think, as he questions why a monkey would have a rabbit’s tail. Fade-in on a trussed Bugs with an apple in his mouth. Classic presentation is always trendy! Since he’s not going anywhere, Taz takes some time to work on his salad side-dish. Sure, it’s leaning too heavily on toppings to be healthy, but the squirrels, raccoons, turtles, fish, and mice are the best parts! (Did Bugs have to watch them die?)

Bugs points out an important fact: salad doesn’t pair well with rabbit. Its best friend is a Wild Turkey Surprise. A dish he’d be happy to prepare if he was able to use his limbs. Taz is sold, and I can’t blame him. That sounds awesome! Shame that in this health-conscious world, Bugs decides to make it with artificial poultry: T.N.T. At least Taz still liked it. A little gas never hurt anyone. But he’s still mad. Still hungry? Has he realized Bugs pulled a fast one? Bugs needs a reason to duck into the nearby Trader Mac’s? All three it is!

Grabbing a box of lipstick, a broom, a dress and a bear trap, Bugs sets to making a disguise. Love the shopkeep’s expression. I choose to believe animals can’t talk in this picture, and he just saw a rabbit rob him. (Grab me one of those shrunken heads while you’re there, huh Bugs?) And that disguise? Probably his hottest one ever. And that’s coming from someone who isn’t even attracted to Tasmanian she-devils. Good thing that’s another species not on the approved foods list. Taz likes. Taz l-i-i-i-i-kes!

That jagged metal kiss only turns him on fiercer. But wait, if his first cartoon is to be believed then isn’t he…? Yep. Still married. The Mrs. is none too pleased to find him cheating on her. (His name is Claude?) That rotten pamphlet! It can’t even correctly state what the scariest animal is! Same as everywhere else, it’s a woman scorned.

Favorite Part: In traditional cartoon fashion, Taz makes a wide variety of sounds when he sees an attractive body. The tiny “rowr” is the best part!

Personal Rating: 3.

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Mr. and Mrs. is the Name

♫”Mr. and Mrs. is the name!”♫

Supervision by  Isadore Freleng; Animation by Ben Clopton and Cal Dalton; Music by Bernard Brown. A Merrie Melody released on January 19, 1935.

There’s an island that none of humanity knows about where merpeople live. A predominately female species, that doesn’t have the same rules of modesty that we have. That is awesome for people who are attracted to things like this, but it makes perfect sense, too. Are those actually mammary glands? Are they egg sacs? We’re not given an answer because it’s not important. Though, someone really should put together concrete merperson (or merson) anatomy rules.

From other observations, it’s clear that if they are related to fish, it would the be the lobe-finned kind. They can stand on their fins most comfortably. Sure, they have a narrow stance, and waddle, but this means merfolk are actually amphibians. The larvae probably have no hands when they hatch, and feathery gills. Or not, seeing as our short is going to focus on two of the young ones, and they look the opposite of what I described. Let’s all agree with me and call the more “endowed” ones their mothers, and they are using siren songs to crash ships and get some sailor meat for dinner.

Our two leads are basically Buddy and one of the myriad Cookie designs. (The blonde one.) They’re great friends and love a good game of tag that can be played in three dimensions. I call them Mercer and May, and you can do likewise. Otherwise, you can write your own blog. Mercer tags May really hard on her rump. I won’t deny that probably hurts, but, the merson anatomy still boggles and confounds. Would the anus be located there? Or closer to the fins? What I’m saying is: if he was older, could she claim sexual harassment, or just plain violence?

I’m not joking about overreacting, as May stomps off in a huff. Male mersons are just too rough, and that’s why they’re driven away from the schools upon reaching sexual maturity. Mercer is able to get her to come back when he finds one of the ships his mom helped sink is still laden with material goods. Females are females, and May is smitten with the chest of jewels. Mercer is more interested in the old clothes and makes a costume with which to do a Chaplin impression. He knows who that is because when you eat a human, you gain everything in their brain. Don’t try it yourself.

While they have their fun, the ocean continues to be a dangerous place. Today’s featured threat is named Otto. He grabs May and I know what we’re all equating this to. Tentacles and a minor do not lend themselves to any pleasant ideas. But, I’ve got a crazy idea, maybe he just wants to eat her? I mean, he is a predator, right? Wow. Digging myself deeper is way easier than I imagined. Mercer is on his way, and Otto speeds up when he remembers he has a siphon. Like in a lot of cartoons, it and his mouth have switched places. It being acknowledged at all is still impressive.

While Mercer plays catch-up by tying an electric fan to himself, May does her part by hitting Otto with a fish skeleton. She doesn’t actually try to escape, or fight back more, but she does get grabbed again. That was all very pointless, but it filled up some run-time. Mercer arrives shortly after, but the octopus reminds him why they call him One-punch Otto. He reminds him more than 24 times, but I can’t count the correct amount. Nor am I even sure I can count that high. He then traps the young merson underneath him. If his mouth was down there, he could win. Instead, Mercer pokes him in his siphon.

The maddened moullusk chases him into a pipe, but since his mouth is bigger than it, he struggles to get through. Mercer traps him by tying his tentacles in knots. I spot one changing color, but that’s scientifically accurate. Now, they can torture him. There’s a piece of ship mast in here tied to something I’m sure, that the two kids can swing into his head until he starves or rips his limbs off. In the meantime, May rewards her hero with a kiss. The title was prophetic.

Favorite Part: A new twist on an old pun. In the ship, you can see Davy Jones’ FOOT locker.

Personal Rating: 2

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Crow’s Feat

“You mad, Jose?”

Isn’t he too young to go kaboom?

Directed by Friz Freleng; Co-Director: Hawley Pratt; Story by John Dunn; Animation by Gerry Chiniquy, Virgil Ross, Bob Matz, Lee Halpern, and Art Leonardi; Backgrounds by Tom O’Loughlin; Film Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on April 21, 1962.

It’s the return of Jose and Manuel I promised! But remember: I didn’t promise anything spectacular.

The two really are on route to Guadalajara this time, but flights are rough as they dare to fly at the same altitudes as airplanes. Or the planes are flying dangerously close to the ground. Bottom line: someone is flying at the wrong height, and it’s not me. It may be lazy, but I don’t fault them for hitching aboard the tequila flight, adopting their favorite lounge positions, and letting technology take them where they want to go. They may not sound or act like it, but they’ve got a bit of the crow’s natural intelligence.

They hop off early upon seeing what lays below them: corn! The San Franciscrow treat! Upon reaching the golden fields, they turn tail feather and run from their natural rival: a scarecrow. As is typical of those guys, he doesn’t give chase. Jose declares HE must fear THEM. Just to be safe, though, he tells Manuel to taunt it. Seeing them on screen together reveals that it’s a puny scarecrow. Or maybe their just crows of unusual size? Bottom line: someone is at the wrong scale, and it’s not me.

It is a familiar looking scarecrow, too. Jose recognizes him as that guy in the moving pictures who hunts Bugs Conejo. If you don’t fear what you don’t like, kill it. Manuel is very adapt at using sticks. For fun, Jose puts on the s-crow’s hat and pretends be that guy in the moving pictures. Since he doesn’t have as iconic a catchphrase as Bugs, he spouts some “What’s up, docs?”. If it looks like a hunter, Manuel will stick it to him. Oddly, they both know what scarecrows are, so why were they shocked one wasn’t chasing them? Have they been to Oz? Or did they also catch this at the drive-in:

Hey look! It really IS that guy from the moving pictures! Ironically, making his last appearance in them. The fact is lost on Jose who thinks the scarecrow just came back for a rematch. And what do you mean “You’re” gonna knock his stuffing out again? What have I told you about taking credit for Manuel’s accomplishments? He gets shot, and decides Manuel deserves the same treatment. He baits his buddy into getting closer by saying the scarecrow is disrespecting him. Since that guy is about to retire, he gets to be the clear-cut victor this week.

Disguises fail, and that guy is smart enough to make the two think he’s left the premises, so he can booby trap the stalks. The whole time, they still think he’s a scarecrow. If only he’d prove he’s not by talking. Jose ultimately decides to they should just resume their trip, as there are stupid scarecrows in Guadalajara. Is that just where we put all the stupids in the world? Then why are we allowing so many to run around free? Ethics, schmethics. It’s for everybodies own good. (And I could still blog there.)

They decide to make use of aeronautics again. Manuel says the thing they’re on now is a commercial plane. Any reason why you’d be asking Manuel to explain things, Jose? I thought you had the brains. They eagerly await takeoff, unaware that they’re sitting on a rocket ship. (Ah! Jose! Your eye is in your beak!) The film ends just as the countdown does, so we don’t get to see them die. It’s the only explanation for why they never got a third cartoon.

Favorite Part: Manuel calling Bugs his friend. It’s as cute as when a child says they’re friends with Elmo. Or when a 30-year old blogger claims the same with Porky. (Oh lord, am I really that age? I never intended to be.)

Personal Rating: 2