Category: One Shots

No established characters here. Doesn’t necessarily mean that they automatically suck.

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The Dish ran away with the Spoon

“YODLELAYEEHOO!”

Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Bob McKimson; Music by Frank Marsales. A Merrie Melody released on September 24, 1933.

Our short of the day takes place in a bake shop. (Is that any different than a bakery?) The dishes and silverware inside are alive and having a grand time playing in the sink. Not only is it fun, but it is essential for keeping one’s self clean. Some use seltzer for a shower, and a toaster is a great way to dry off.

But this kitchen is kinda weird. Not because the stuff is alive, but because some of it isn’t. One spoon is used as an oar, and others are used as piano keys. Are they just the mentally slow ones? Or perhaps repeated use by humans has killed them. Playing with corpses is kind of macabre, but I suppose since none of these guys have literal hearts, there is no harm in it.

One spoon in particular is proposing to a dish in particular. (Guys love curves, and boy, does she have them!) I’m going to call these two Cutlery and China. I don’t hear a yes out of that plate, but since she is already thinking about children, I guess it is safe to assume she’s all for this. Cutlery is so happy, he starts playing some music. Several food items are also alive and join in the party. Which must get pretty awkward at some points. (Whisk: Hey Egg! I haven’t seen you in ages! What’s new?” Egg: “How could you forget? You beat my brother’s innards together the other day.” Whisk: …. “How’s your sister?”)

A blob of dough is also alive. He is horrifying. He looks like one of the pink elephants on parade if it was melting. But surely he just LOOKS evil. He wouldn’t do anything bad would he? Sure he would. He mixes up a little snack of yeast water and grows. Then, as large monsters are prone to do, he tries to steal a woman. (And on her wedding day no less.) Cutlery and the cavalry to the rescue! Spatulas are catapults, the doughboy gets some cheese graters to the groin (freaking ouch!) and is flattened by a rolling pin. With no depth to keep him standing, he stumbles into a fan which distributes his body into several different tins. Ready for baking! (Because “If you must eat em, don’t join em.”)

Personal Rating: 3

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Shuffle Off to Buffalo

“What a man!”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Paul Smith; Music by Frank Marsales. A Merrie Melody released on July 8, 1933.

Did you ever wonder where babies come from? What? You mean the only people who visit this site already know very well the answer to that question and have known for several years? Well, you were lied to. Babies are stored in some building that is not explicitly stated to be heaven, and are delivered by storks. (If the stork gets hungry and eats its cargo on the way to the new parents, that is called a “miscarriage.”

The person in charge is some god/father time looking guy. (I’m calling him Tony) He answers the phones and reads letters that people send asking for children. Having a baby is just like writing to Santa! Only, it takes nine months to deliver. (A nice bit of continuity, the letter is dated as July, 1933.) Wherever there are people, there are those who want children. (I can’t fathom why. They are such noisy things) A letter from Mr. and Mrs. Nanook of the north want some twins, so he pulls a couple of Inuits from the freezer. And yes, they look as racially insensitive as they could be drawn. (Except for their feet. At one point they are white. Trying to make a master race, Tony?)

The next letter in written in Hebrew. Seeing as how Tony can’t make it out, I guess that rules him out as being god. Nothing to worry about, though. All he has to do is send the letter to the stock room, and the ideal child will be chosen. (Said child and Tony himself are voiced by Johnny Murray. The same guy supplying Bosko’s voice) They sing our title song and are joined by several of the babies that I guess are just in storage. (Which means that unless someone specifically chooses them, they aren’t ever leaving this place.)

But it’s not the end of the world is you are trapped forever in this state of unbirth. You’ll just get a job as one of the gnomes who are helping to care for the babies. Step one: toss them in a washing machine. (Breaking character for a bit to point out that I know very well this is not an accurate depiction of where babies come from. With that said, don’t worry about the babies in the bathwater. Being in a warm, wet, place that you can’t escape from right away? Sounds like being in a womb to me)

Where was I? Oh yes! Dry the babies and sprinkle on plenty of talcum powder. Then, put on the 1930’s version of the disposable diaper: a paper towel. And staple it shut. And if one of the babies needs changing? Just throw them back in the wash. Don’t pay any attention to their sudden loss of hair.) Finally, before tucking them into bed, feed them some of our special seal milk. (It’s gotta be. Look how fast they chub out.)

So now that you know the basics, you’re ready for some on hands experience. Here’s your situation: all the babies are crying. What do they want? Isn’t it obvious? They want Eddie Cantor. (Yeah, why not?) What do you do?

A. Go find the guy and get him to perform

B. Dress up like the guy and perform

C. Ignore them. They are such noisy things.

D. Don’t worry about it. The guy actually works here.

The correct answer is the same one it always is when someone online makes a multiple choice question: D. Cantor performs, but the kids are hypocritical a-holes. Despite clearly asking for him, they criticize him once he sings. Not even his Ed Wynn impression wins them over. Instead, the racially insensitive Asian baby just shows off racially insensitive blackface babies. But I suppose it’s okay. After all, they aren’t crying anymore. They play, fight and join Cantor in his piano playing as the short comes to a close. But not before one more baby says “so long” to us. AWWWWW! That was pretty cute! I’m convinced. I want children now. 7.6,000,000,000 clearly isn’t enough people. We’ve got to try harder. Write Tony today!

Personal Rating: 3

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We’re in the Money

“♪We’ve got a lot of what it takes to get along!♪”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Larry Martin; Music by Frank Marsales. A Merrie Melody released on August, 26 1933.

It’s night, it’s late, and it’s time to close up the department store. With all humans now vacated from the premises, the merchandise can come to life. Well, they could do that during the day too, but it’d be really awkward. (Either asking to be bought and being refused, or certain products not being aware of their purpose until its too late. I’ll leave it at that, use YOUR imagination for once)

They toys start up some music. You’d think it would be hard to play instruments several sizes larger than you are, but they make it work. Although some of the instruments require more than one of them to play, and in the case of the trombone, they have to use a bike pump to blow the air into it. Hope you enjoy the title tune, they’re playing nothing but for the majority of the short.

The toys aren’t the only ones having fun. Many of the clothes and mannequins also dance to the beat. (As best as they can, seeing as how none of them have complete bodies. By human standards. They aren’t missing any of their parts, despite the lack of limbs. I don’t know where I’m going with this tangent, but it’s nowhere relevant.) Even the coins in the cash registers join in. They have every right to, as in their own words: “They are the money.” One doll plays dress-up and shows her best Mae West impression.

One mannequin actually has a full humanoid body, so he can dance with the best the human race has to offer. (Maybe even top them, as his feet can also function as wheels.) Standing in front of mirrors, he now is part of a quartet to sing the title song. And his talent isn’t limited to dance. He plays every piano in the store. But he gets a little too carried away and crashes into a shelf and getting caught in a avalanche of hat boxes.

(And what if you come to this store but you aren’t “In the money?” Clearly, they mount your severed head as a reminder to those who try to be frugal. Why else are Laurel and Hardy’s heads there?)

Personal Rating: 2

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Hop and Go

“I’m an ath-a-lete all right.”

Supervision by Norman McCabe; Animation by Cal Dalton; Story by Melvin Millar; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on March 27, 1943.

Our short of the week stars a kangaroo voiced by Pinto Colvig of Goofy fame. His name is Claude Hopper. (Which is probably the greatest name ever.) He may sound a little slow, but he’s a good guy and he has reason to brag: he IS the world’s greatest jumper. (And even though he is a male, they felt the need to give him a pouch.) But his boasting is overheard by a couple of rabbits named Andy and Sandy. (They’re easy enough to tell apart. Andy wears a tam o’ shanter and Sandy wears a hat that looks just like it but a different color. Simple.) Don’t know if their pride is hurt, or if they’re just dicks, but they decide to bring the marsupial down a bit. And they plan to do so by challenging him to a long distance hop.

Now, as any zoologist can tell you (and yes, I am “any zoologist”) kangaroo’s outclass rabbits by leaps and bound in leaps and bounds. The two are aware of this, and jump on Claude’s tail. Before he lands, they leap off in front of him, besting his distance by a couple of inches. He empties his non-existent pouch of all extra weight. (Material objects that is. I would have been angered if he had a joey in there) As he prepares to jump, one of the lagomorphs sticks some gum on his tail and cause him to land back on the scrapyard. What’s more, they have the nerve to laugh at his misfortune. Overcome with stress, Claude tries to show his strength by hopping all over the landscape. He ends up in a lake.

The rabbits are kind enough to rescue him and nicer still, offer to help him train to become as skilled as they are. Their method involves launching him from a giant lever with a crate in his…grr… pouch as ballast. Upon dropping a boulder on the other end, Claude is airborne! And boy does he fly! He reaches the kind of altitudes that airplanes fly at. Hours later, he’s still going. He decides to light a match to see where he is, as it is now night. This in turn gets him fired at. Only now does he realize that the crate he has, has dynamite in it. He drops it below just as he lands. Surround by rubble, he feels assured that he is the “champeen” now. His reasoning? He just bombed Tokyo. (Ah, World War II. If you had never happened, this might be considered the most evil punchline of all time.)

Personal Rating: 3

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The Fighting 69th 1/2

“Our objective will be the hot dog!”

Supervision by I. Freleng; Story by Jack Miller; Animation by Gil Turner; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on January 18, 1941.

Throughout history there have been many wars. The Civil war, the console war, the game of war, just to name a few. One thing they all have in common is that they were all fought by humankind. But battles aren’t reserved for just people. Sometimes the animal kingdom gets in on the action. Our story begins with a picnic and two colonies of ants. The people who set up the picnic are nowhere to be found, so the ants have free reign over the goodies. It all starts when a red ant and a black ant both lunge for the same olive. There may be plenty of food to go around, but the thought never occurs to them and they declare war on each other. And they ain’t kidding. They’ve got tanks with real caterpillar treads and winged ants to act as bombers. (In case it wasn’t obvious, this short ignores the fact that all of the fighting ants should be female.) A group of reds makes their way to their target. Diving into cheese for cover along the way. When they get what they came for, they are ambushed by the blacks who take it back to their side. (Sadly, the short remembers that it can make a blackface ant joke and does so. Different time periods and all that. At least he only shows up once) The ants are pretty resourceful. Launching a toothpick like a harpoon to catch some peas, (War and peas go so well together you know) and using Limburger cheese as a gas bomb. But in the end, they can’t compete with larger forces, and the battle stalls when a woman comes to take the picnic away. (So I guess she already had eaten before this, but it looked pretty untouched to me. What a waste.) But despite taking it all, she doesn’t take the cake and the ants begin fighting anew. During the scuffle, the generals come to a realization: fighting is what caused them to lose everything in the first place. (Well, most of everything. They did get a few morsels.) A peace conference is declared where they decide to divide the cake equally. Almost. There’s a cherry on top, and each side wants it for themselves. The war reignites.

Personal Rating: 3

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Hollywood Canine Canteen

“I’m a baaad bowwow.”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Cal Dalton, Don Williams, and Richard Bickenbach; Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on April 20, 1946.

TADA! Welcome to the new and improved Wackyland2! When I said I was cancelling the blog, I just meant that I was giving Squarespace the boot. That place sucked. Here is a lot more space for me to stretch my creative wings. It’s the same great taste, but with a whole new package! With still hundreds of shorts left to address, we’d better get started!

Dogs are some of the greatest animals on the planet! Hollywood seems to think so too. As all the biggest stars (at least of the 1940s) all seem to own one. What’s more, they look a lot like their owners too, making it easy to tell who is who. So what do these dogs do when their owners are out being caricatured in Warner Bros. cartoons? They decide to start a nightclub all their own! And everyone of the canine type is invited! Upon entering, patrons can drop their (fur) coats at the entrance. And one doesn’t need to worry about filling your belly: Dogwood himself is on hand making some tasty bone sandwiches, and cleanup is nothing to worry about. We’ve got Laurel and Hardy’s dogs on cleanup duty. (Our dishes wind up extra clean. Seeing as how Laurel’s pooch, keeps accidentally dropping what he just dried back into the sink.) A young dog tries to call home, but has to wait as there are quite a number ahead of him. Not to worry, there is plenty of entertainment to keep one occupied. Why not listen to Leopold Bowwosky conduct? His musicians are playing the Hungarian Dances. (Taking reading breaks when waiting for their part, and breaking violins when performing their part) But some aren’t taking things too seriously. Lou Costello’s dog can’t be bothered to stay with his instrument and will leave in the middle of a performance to get a drink. (And more amusing than that, acting like a jerk when people tell him to get back to work) He just might ruin the song too, as he’ll mistake any flies on his sheet music for actual notes. And our young friend is still waiting to call. But there’s only one ahead of him now! Some dog’s try to make connections. Bing Crosby’s dog is serenading the pet of Dorothy Lamour. But he can’t quite compete with Frank Sinatra’s dog. (Mostly because the latter’s singing is too irresistible for Bing’s pooch to try and top) With a fresh batch of music (and the occasional box of fleas) everyone is really getting into the dancing groove. Well, almost everyone. Our young friend is finally allowed to call home. Hope his voice is strong enough. Since dog’s can’t use telephones, he has to make do with a megaphone.

Personal Rating: 2

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Fifth Column Mouse

“Did you ever have a feeling that you a-wanted something?”

Supervision by I. Freleng, Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on March 6th, 1943.

Seeing as there’s no cat around, a large gathering of mice are having a grand old time. Singing, skiing, (fake snow) and lounging around. But a cat could come, and it does. (Rubbing his paw on the window to see better, leaves a couple of smudges that make a distinctive hair and mustache) I’m calling him: Dolph. When he enters, most of the rodents flee. But one is captured. (Seeing as how he is larger and gray rather than brown, I think he’s a rat. And with all the symbolism this short provides, that sounds about right.) Seems Dolph has a plan, but he needs the rats help. (His name shall henceforth be: Columbus) Said rat, is initially against the idea, but is easily bribed with cheese. He tells the mice, that the cat simply wants to help. They treat him like a god, and in turn he will keep them safe and well fed. Sounds like a good deal. Can’t possibly see anything backfiring here. The mice agree and appease their new master. But all too soon, Dolph shows his true colors and has a hankering for some mouse. And that does not exclude a rat either. They are all fair game in his eyes. They escape though, and begin a plan to fight back, building a secret weapon in the process. But I’m not above spilling the occasional secret: it’s a mechanical bulldog with extendable teeth. And it works too! Dolph flees and the mice cheer. Columbus tries to play it cool, but still has cheese thrown in his face.

Personal Rating: 3

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The Weakly Reporter

“We love California”

Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Ben Washam; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released in 1944. Supervision by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Ben Washam; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released in 1944.

With that said, who wants more topical humor from the forties? Hopefully, everyone did because that’s what you’re getting. While Wacky Blackout demonstrated how the country life reacts to the war, now we look at the urban side. (With bridging sequences done in a simple stick figure style, predating UPA by a good six years) With such a large war, automobiles are becoming more scarce. Those still around are frightened at the sight of  a horse-drawn cart. With such few cars, some people take to sharing a vehicle. Some go a “step” further and share shoes. Certain foods are really valuable and are delivered in an armored vehicle. (You laugh, but butter is precious to us Americans. It’s our favorite food!) Speaking of food, that’s a luxury now too. Lovely meat for sale. Only $1.19 for a sniff. (Smells like cow blood. So worth the investment) During these times, hoarders are looked upon with disdain. Unless you’re hoarding bonds. But in all seriousness, many men are now in service. What are the ladies doing? They’re still buying the latest styles. (That welder’s mask is you!) And girdles are now used to help win. The only downside is you can see the difference it makes without them. (Oh, you thought I was talking about a woman wearing it and not a man? That’s the short’s best joke) Ladies are now taking on more jobs. (And the men who are still around love to watch them.) But women fight in the war too. Putting lipstick over their gas masks, and training for fights by brawling over nylon. (How accurate.) Sexist jokes aside, they know what they are doing. When the factories stop, it’s a lady to the rescue! (The machine just needed her to insert a new bobby pin) Yes, we are doing a fine job of producing weapons really fast. So fast in fact, we can get a ship delivered before the champagne bottle finishes its swing.

Personal Rating: 1. So, unless you’re a WWII buff or Looney-tic, I wouldn’t reccomend this one. But if you’re reading this, I figure you’ve got to be one or the other.

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The Ducktators

“Tutti frutti and all-a kind of whips cream and a wall-a nuts!”

Supervision by Norman McCabe; Story by Melvin Millar; Animation by John Carey; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1942.

Just want to remind everyone that this comes from a time where the country was at war. So naturally, we Americans made fun of our enemies. (Instead of today where we casually make fun of everyone)

Why do all the poultry in the barnyard have cigars? Seems that a pair of ducks are expecting! Wait, why is their egg black? Unless you’re a fish, I don’t think that’s a healthy color for your egg to have. Well, it may not be dead, but it IS rotten. Out hatches a duckling with a familiar looking mustache. Welcome to the world little Hitler Duck. He grows up quickly enough and seems he hasn’t got quite the right mindset. He gives some speeches to other birds about his ideas for the future. (They sound nice on paper… actually they don’t. He’s evil.) Sadly, some poor souls were taken in by his words. Especially one goose in particular. (He’s not given a name, but he is Italian, so it’s safe to assume we all have given him the same name. You were thinking “Goosalini,” right?) I would also like to note, that this cartoon is not so single minded as to think all “ducks” and “geese” are like this, and it offers an apology to those whose countries names are being tainted by these a-holes. They begin amassing a good number of soldiers. (One of whom, is a black duck from south Germany. Unlike the depictions of Nazis, this guy is still pretty offensive today. I give it a pass due to its time period, but it is still sad it was once considered perfectly acceptable) Not all the birds are agreeing to the way things are going. A dove (naturally) wants things to go in a more peaceful direction. The two leaders agree to a peace conference, but then go and shred the treaty. (Not cool guys. And after you even bothered to hand a banner saying “Peace iss vonderful”) But aren’t we missing someone? Wasn’t there one other enemy we had? And here he is now, Tojo the duck. He tries to label an island as Japanese mandated, but the island was really a turtle and he isn’t quite pleased. He chases the bird to beat him. The duck tries to get out of it by showing off his “I am Chinese” button, but the subtitle saying it was made in Japan doesn’t convince anyone. The gang’s all here, and they begin marching. (By this cartoon’s logic, they’re Italian stepping) The dove tries once more to get them to stop, but they just walk over him. Having enough, the dove begins to fight back. Others join his side, including “Hare-y Colona” and a sign advertising war bonds. They are victorious! Later, the dove, (who has two children named Peace and Quiet) admits that he still hates fighting, but he had to so something to stop those fowl types. And he really gave it to them, he mounted their heads on his wall.

Personal Rating: 3

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Wacky Blackout

“Okay! Lights out!”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Story by Warren Foster; Animtaion by Sid Sutherland; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1942.

In today’s short we will see how animals react to the war. For example a farmer has trained his dog to put out fires. (He’s a Spitz) And milk is and essential part of a soldiers diet, so it is a good thing that this cow gives out 5,000 quarts a day. (or rather we take it from her.) Old Tom is a cat. He has lived through at least three wars so he knows that this one will turn out okay. And next to him is a woodpecker. He knows that it might result in bad things, but he can’t resist giving the cat a peck. Now, when it comes to American holidays, (by that I mean, ones we invented) my favorite is Thanksgiving. Luckily for me, a turkey is busily “gobbling” down food as fast as he can. Unluckily for me, once he learns of my dinner plans, he begins a weight loss program. Next, some turtle eggs are just about to hatch. (But first, that woodpecker pecks Tom again. Remember kids, never peck a pussy.) Yes, well, as I was saying, the eggs begin to hatch. The first two are normal enough, but the last one is convinced he is a jeep. A dog wants some attention from… well, technically speaking, a bitch. (Don’t look at me! That’s the correct term!) But the poor guy is shy. He has to resort to initiating his own blackouts in order to score some make outs. And speaking of blackouts, (wacky and non-wacky) the fireflies are performing a practice one. A turtle that is much older than what we’ve seen thus far is hesitant to go into his shell. He’s afraid of the dark. (Because that’s when dogs get it on. What is wrong with me today?) A mother bird is trying to teach her chick to fly. Does that bird look familiar? It’s Tweety! Or at least a proto-Tweety. He’s got a different voice and a slightly different design, but this is the bird that would become the world’s favorite canary. What’s his gag? He doesn’t want to fly normally, he’d rather be a dive bomber. Speaking of birds, the swallows won’t be returning to Capistrano anytime soon. They are blocked by the fourth interceptor command. But some birds are more loved during the war time. Pigeons for example. One pair in particular produced many offspring during the last war. And though they are quite a bit older this time, they are still as patriotic as a “Draft Horse” (And as for that woodpecker? He pecked Old Tom one time too many and is no longer with us. But he still  is with Tom for at least… 24 hours? How long does it take for a cat to digest a bird?)

Personal Rating: 3