Category: Porky Pig

My favorite character of all time! Second only to Bugs for most appearances, and that’s not small, folks.

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Often an Orphan

“Everybody wants a dog!”

Directed by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Lloyd Vaughan, Ken Harris, Phil Monroe, and Ben Washam; Layouts by Robert Gribbroek; Backgrounds by Peter Alvarado. A Looney Tune released in 1949.

A man is going on a picnic with his dog, Charlie. Starting a game of fetch, the man drives off leaving Charlie behind. Seems like the norm. Charlie is a little annoyed that he let himself fall for the ole’ “Let’s go on a picnic.” ploy. But doesn’t dwell on it long and begins searching for a new master. Despite his cute eyes, and charming tricks, none seems interested. He then overhears farmer Porky. A farm is a great place for a dog, and Charlie offers himself up. Porky is not interested. But Charlie is a dream come true of mixed breeds! He’s 50% of pointer, boxer, setter, spitz, and pincher. (With accompanying gags for each) And he’s also 100% Labrador Retriever. When Porky calls his bluff, he offers to prove it by retrieving Porky’s Lab. Since Porky doesn’t have one, they got nothing more to say to each other. And so, Porky kicks the dog back to the street. Upon reaching home, he finds Charlie requesting ham and eggs. (Porky? Why are you raising pigs on your farm? This disturbs me greatly.) He once more makes to throw him out, but there is a man from the Humane Society out there watching him. (Probably got some calls about a farmer selling his own kind as a food source. No, I’m not dropping that. That was a strange joke, Chuck.) Porky shifts his tone until the man is gone, then once more orders Charlie to leave. Charlie delivers a sob story about how he always wanted to live in the country. He is weak and needs wholesome food to regain his strength. And his observations of city life sound pretty legit. (I’ve yet to see one person smile in one of those.) Porky agrees to let him stay. He even has a sleeping bag for Charlie. (Looks a little like a mail sack to me, but who cares? Charlie looks so cute with just his head poking out!) Turns out it was a mail sack, and Porky mails the dog to Scotland. He finds the Scottish Terr…Mixed breed back at home. Admitting defeat, he concedes to being Charlie’s owner, and suggests they go on a picnic. Charlie apparently didn’t learn his lesson the first time, and happily agrees. As soon as they arrive, Porky throws a stick for the dog to fetch. Charlie in turn, takes the car and leaves Porky stranded. (Guess he did learn his lesson after all. You can’t trick an old dog new teach. Wait…) Porky snaps, and begins acting like a dog. He does the cute eye routine, and is apparently better at it than Charlie, as someone does indeed pick him up. A dog catcher.

Personal Rating: 3

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Jumpin’ Jupiter

“The stars are so bright tonight, you can almost touch em.”

Directed by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Ken Harris, Keith Darling, Abe Levitow and Richard Thompson; Effects Animation by Harry Love; Layouts by Robert Givens; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Music by Carl Stalling. A Merrie Melody released in 1955.

You are traveling through an unknown area. An area of wisecracking rabbits, egotistical ducks, fanatic coyotes and homicidal canaries. Behind any door could be a train speeding towards you, and when you walk outside you must beware of falling anvils. It’s as clear as the pie on your face. You have just entered: The Wacky Zone.

Submitted for your approval, is the tale of one Porky T. Pig. He is out camping in a desert with his cat, Sylvester. Said cat is terrified. There are coyotes around, and coyotes will eat cats. But little does he know, that soon he will have much more extreme fears. Porky, does not worry about his cat possibly dying and leaves him outside the tent while he sleeps. Despite his worry, Sylvester does manage to get some shuteye. As they slumber, a flying saucer spots the campsite. Landing, we learn it is from Jupiter and on a mission to collect samples of Earth life. The pilot of said craft comes out and doesn’t he look familiar? It’s one of the instant Martians that Marvin is so fond of using! (Never buy Instant Martians from Craigslist.) Liking what he sees, (I’m guessing. He doesn’t emote much.) He gets back in his ship and burrows under the campsite. With the plot of land safely on top, he flies back into space. (Which seems to be full of bubbles) The lack of oxygen doesn’t bother Porky, but the lack of heat does and he grabs another blanket. The Instant Jupiterian comes out to check on his specimens and Sylvester panics. Unlike in other encounters they have together, he actually gets Porky to see the object of his fear. Porky is so cool, he doesn’t even bat an eye. He tells the (man?) that he’ll look at his wares in the morning, pointing out to us that he was a Navajo. (I don’t think that was racist. Porky isn’t one to be…)

Hey! I already excused this! Hey! I already excused this!

As I was saying: Porky goes back to sleep, while Sylvester continues to hide under the bed. The Jupiter (man created by) Jones goes back to his ship to read up on Earth life. (Written by Dr. Sig Mund Fre Ud) Only now do they seem to be free from Earth’s gravitational pull, as everything on the ship begins to drift away. (Except the dirt. I guess there’s magnets in it.) Porky and his belongings float down to ground just as he wakes up. Nothing like a good nights sleep to make the world look new. He even sees a planet he’s never seen before in the sky. (I’ve played Kirby 64. I think it’s called Shiver Star) He packs up camp and drives off with his pal Sylvester. Unaware they are being watched by the natives of the planet. Unaware that he is no longer on Earth.

Porky Pig. A mild mannered Earthling. He survived his close encounter of the second kind, and lived to tell about it. However, he just might soon find that things will never be the same. They never are, here in: The Wacky Zone.

Personal Rating: 4

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My Favorite Duck

“G-Gosh, what a c-cr-c-screwy duck.”

Supervison by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; (in fact, this was the first of Jones' shorts that he wrote) Animation by Rudolph Larriva; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1942 Supervison by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; (in fact, this was the first of Jones’ shorts that he wrote) Animation by Rudolph Larriva; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1942

Porky is off on a camping trip. Singing “Moonlight Bay” in a canoe he soon finds himself in a duet with “My Favorite Duck.” Porky decides to set up camp a good distance away from the lake, but Daffy is not one to stay away. He constantly gets in Porky’s way as the pig tries to drive a tent stake into the ground. And there’s nothing Porky can do but take it, as duck season is closed at the moment. (You’re not even allowed to molest a duck? That’s unfair.) Porky eventually gets his camp set up: underwater. He decides he’d rather be on dry land. While making some lunch, (and unintentionally singing “Blues in the night” which Daffy was singing earlier) he has his egg switched with an eagle egg. (Courtesy of Daffy) He has a pan swung in his face by the mother who takes her eaglet back. (And definitely has a male voice, but the baby says “mother” so maybe he’s just confused?) Next on the list of camping activities is fishing. Fishing, by nature, is boring. So, I’m not surprised to see Porky asleep. Daffy turns his canoe upside down and drags the fishing line into the sky. Porky, felling a tug, jumps out of the water and swims through the air. Before gravity kicks in. He finds Daffy stealing his food, and chases him into a tree. He decides to smoke him out. Daffy recommends rubbing some sticks (of dynamite) together as an alternative to matches. Porky prefers to do it the easy way. It’s the promise of his Indian suit that gets him to comply. Luckily, he is unhurt by the explosion, but it did catapult him and all his supplies into the sky. He comes down, but his stuff doesn’t. (It’s probably still up there to this day) If only he had a gun. Daffy gives him one, but reminds him it won’t do any good. He pulls out a sign to prove his point, but the universe has had enough of him and the sign declares duck season open. (Love Daffy’s face here.)

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Porky follows him relentlessly, and the chase leads to a large tree. They go around and around until…the film breaks. (What? Son of a…) Daffy comes out apologizing, but don’t freak out, (What? Me? I would never!) he’ll tell us how it ends. So apparently, Porky gets him cornered, but Daffy fights back with punches until Porky is groveling for mercy. (I’m not buying it) Porky hits Daffy over the head with the gun.

Personal Rating: 3

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My Little Duckaroo

“I’ve got you now, Canasta.”

He’s gonna tear him limb from tree!

Directed by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Ken Harris, Ben Washam, Abe Levitow, Richard Thompson and Lloyd Vaughn; Layouts by Maurice Noble; Backgrounds by Phillip DeGuard; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Directon by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released in 1954.

It’s a followup to “Dripalong Daffy.” And sadly, it’s not as good as its predecessor. Daffy is once again cast as the hero, known this time as the Masked Avenger. Porky is there too, and still relegated to the role of comic relief. Daffy spots a wanted poster for Nasty Canasta. (Looking different than he did in his first appearance and how he would look in “Barbary Coast Bunny.” Guy just can’t find a style he likes.) Daffy decides to fix his little red wagon, but not because it is the right thing to do. It’s all about the money.

Luckily, Canasta’s hideout is clearly labeled, so Daffy has no problem finding it. The problems start when he comes in and introduces himself to the thug. Canasta can’t be bothered to react to Daffy at all. Not even to his nice mask. (I agree with Daffy. It is stylish) He has no luck with either of his alter egos either; The Frisco Kid and Superguy. Eventually though, Canasta does challenge Daffy to a game of cards.

After the classic “cutting the cards joke”, Daffy deals. He gives Canasta one card and keeps the other 51 for himself. He has a royal straight flush full house with four aces. Canasta has a three of clubs and his gun in Daffy’s mouth. It’s clear who the winner is. Daffy then suggests arm wrestling. I’m not surprised he loses. Canasta is the kind of guy who makes a cigarette by putting all the ingredients into his mouth and spitting out the final product.

Porky suggests that Daffy just arrest Canasta. And I’m happy to report that Daffy doesn’t do the old “glad I thought of it gag.” That’s not my favorite gag. He slaps some handcuffs on Canasta and tries to drag him away. Canasta breaks free. Daffy finally snaps and challenges the outlaw to fight. Porky has the utmost confidence in him. (Um, Porky old pal? You did see Canasta’s Crusher impression, didn’t you?) Porky calmly waits for the fight to subside outside, (while his shirt changes color briefly) as he assures us that Daffy is going to fix Canasta’s little red wagon.

Daffy comes out the loser. And to add insult to injury, Canasta literally made him fix his little red wagon. (That’s harsh. We watched a subpar sequel to a great Daffy short for such a weak punchline?)

Personal Rating: 2 (Mostly because it’s a rather disappointing sequel, if you haven’t seen it’s predecessor, it could earn a three.)

No post next week. I’ll be out of town. But we’ll be back the week after, so stay tooned!

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Cartoon Network Groovies

“What’s all that racket? ”

You know what made Cartoon Network so much fun to watch, back in the day? Well, yes, having cartoons that I wanted to watch was nice, but they went out of their way to make the commercials a joy as well. It’s a network where the cartoons are in charge, so naturally, the cartoons would be working there. During a commercial break, we could see the toons working at their jobs, and interacting with each other. But my favorite thing they did was the groovies. Short music videos about the cartoons we loved and if we didn’t already love them, then these videos might encourage us to take another look.

They were brilliant. Each one was different. Even the ones that were based on the same series. “Dexter’s Laboratory”, and “The Powerpuff Girls”, each had more than one for their series. (Not that I mind. I love those shows.) Even a few shows you wouldn’t think would be popular enough to get one, got one. Like JabberJaw and Betty Boop. (I didn’t even know her shorts ever aired on that channel.) Although there were some weird ones. There’s one based on “Ed, Edd and Eddy” where Sarah gives the titular boys a drink that shrinks them for her amusement. It’s a great song, but is that really related to the show? I never really watched it.

Another one is based on “Courage the Cowardly Dog”. It takes place somewhere not in Nowhere, Kansas; Eustace and Muriel look much younger; and they are having a party. This show, I did watch. And Eustace doesn’t seem like the type to allow that many people into his house without giving him something. But of course, the reason I’m talking about them here is because there were some based on “Looney Tunes”. And they get looked at more in-dept.

L’Amour A Un Odeur: A remix featuring Pepe Le Pew and his various shorts. It’s my least favorite just because it feels the most rushed to me. The music is that classic faux French they put in all his shorts.

Personal Rating: 3

Wascally Wemix: As you’d expect, this is Elmer’s song. A bunch of his lines remixed. Bugs and Daffy feature prominently too. The music kinda dying near the end, keeps it from being higher on my favorites.

Personal Rating: 3

Pork Jam: AW YEAH! My pal Porky gets a remix, and it’s awesome. His lines mixed with the music, never fail to put a smile on my face. It was my favorite as a kid. So, what could possibly top Porky?

Personal Rating: 3

Mars Forever: My favorite out of all the groovies. A recruitment video Marvin made to build up his troops. Best music in my opinion. Contains bits from all his shorts, plus “Rocket-Bye Baby.” A masterpiece if ever there was one.

Personal Rating: 4 (I could see someone wanting to watch the others if this was viewed first.)

In memory of my good friend, Abby the Dog. 2006-2017. While there are no shortage of great dogs, there was only one of you.

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Bugs and Daffy’s Carnival of the Animals

“Wait’ll you hear MY arpeggios!”

There’s nothing corny about this concerto!

Produced, written, and directed by Chuck Jones; Production Design by Herbert Klynn. A TV special released in 1976.

The first television special for the Looney Tunes! Bugs and Daffy are going to play parts from Camille Saint-Saëns’ “Carnival of the Animals,” And quote the poems Odgen Nash wrote about said music. I love animals, I love animation, and I love music. Throw chocolate and video games in there, and you’ve got my nirvana!

Things start rather rocky as Bugs and Daffy argue on the pronunciation of the man’s name. Bugs says it correctly, while Daffy insists it be pronounced phonetically. Porky (making a quick cameo) arrives to tell that the show is starting and Bugs walks out on stage, getting tons of applause. Daffy gets none as he enters. The conductor begins and the two take their places each playing a piano. (Not all of the pieces are here, but they got a good number of them. Besides, pianists don’t belong at a carnival of animals anyway.)

Lions: This part is drawn in a simplified style as we see a pride of lions heading off into a cave. Inside, only their eyes and roaring mouths can be seen. (Kinda creepy to be honest.) These are also some pretty lively lions. You’d think they’d be sleeping in the day.

Roosters and Hens: Daffy and Bugs introduce this part by wearing gloves as combs, Daffy still not get any any love. It’s a shame Foghorn couldn’t have made a cameo at this part. The chickens peck and crow.

Wild Jackass: Daffy throws in the the mule couplet Ogden wrote as well. Which is kind of weird. Camille made a part about donkeys AND mules? Why not include horses, ponies, quaggas, zebras, hinnies, zedonks, zorses and unicorns as wells? Carnival of the equines. Instead of showing any animals at this part, we just see a carousel with color changing donkeys.

(Passing by the elephant for now and skipping the tortoise altogether)

Kangaroos: I should mention that Bugs and Daffy don’t admit they are quoting Mr. Nash and instead act like they are making up the rhymes on the spot. Daffy challenges the rabbit to rhyme boomerang. It’s a good thing Australians enjoy kangaroo-meringues. Represented by a couple of kangaroo silhouettes jumping to the music. (They have to jump because they are incapable of walking)

(More skipping around to…)

Birds: Wait, we already had chickens. Which by the way, are BIRDS! Luckily, Bugs and Daffy don’t play the parts of the cuckoo and the swan. I guess Camille just meant Passerines, here. Songbirds, to you commoners) Daffy likes this part, as he himself is a bird. (His neck stripe is orange in this special.) The birds sing in a piece that looks like it came from “Yellow Submarine”

(Backing up a bit)

Aquarium: Bugs and Daffy seem to be having fun together now. (Bugs is speaking with Daffy’s voice for some reason.) The music perfectly conveys the idea of submerging under the sea. (For the longest time I thought this was the “Harry Potter” theme. I’m glad I never told anyone they were the same.) Since they didn’t claim to only be fish, we are also treated to an image of a (demon) whale, a sea star, and a jellyfish.

(Now we get to the…)

Elephant: (What’s with Nash’s words here? How are the elephants teeth upside down? Teeth can grow upwards) This part looks like it came from a schoolhouse rock video. For some reason, a few of the elephants have purple eyes that stare into my soul. More creepyness.

(Back in order…)

Fossils: How nice of Camille to include extinct animals as well. No reason they should be left out of a carnival saluting them. Nash’s poetry is actually kinda scary here. Imagine being alone in a museum at midnight, and suddenly all the fossils start to sing and make music with their bodies. (Even Daffy is hiding during this part.) The animation here is just some rough images of dead things. Not just dinosaurs either. I spy a hominid skull, a mastodon, and a plant fossil. (Why is that there? Carnival of the ANIMALS! The botany parade is next week.)

Finale: My favorite part! Something one can dance to! Much like “Fantasia 2000” I wouldn’t mind whole movie set to this music. (But I suppose that would take a lot of the fun out of things. The music here kind of outright tells you what to picture, as opposed to letting the animators coming to their own conclusions.) It’s like a Rhythm Heaven Remix with the animals of the previous pieces returning to strut their stuff one more time.

The two pianists finish and leave. Daffy is still not getting any of the attention he deserves. Why ever not? Seems the audience is comprised of nothing but rabbits. (Who better to perform “The carnival of the Animals” to?)

Personal Rating: 4. (Beautiful music. Beautiful animation. It’s like “Fantasia” with a fraction of the budget.)

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What price Porky

““Dumb Clucks,” are we?”

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Charles Jones and Bob Cannon; Musical Score by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1938.

Porky owns a chicken farm and takes good care of his hens. Not only does he give them tasty corn to eat, but he even has some on the cob for dessert. But before they can enjoy that, some a-hole ducks take the cobs and enjoy them in the pond, where the chickens can’t get them. Porky (very politely I might add) asks the ducks to not do that, but instead the lead duck sends them a note declaring war. (Jerk. You started it.) The hens agree and begin pecking out trenches and making troops. No, not recruiting. Making. Their eggs hatch ready for battle. If I didn’t already use the “inant-try” joke in “Porky’s Poor Fish” I sure would here.

The ducks aren’t just big talkers though. They have the means to fight back, complete with their own navy and fighter jets. Piloted by cute naked ducklings with bandanas. (I don’t know why they are naked. Ducklings hatch fully feathered.) Setting up their sides (with no hen’s land in between) they begin their fight. The hens have one of their hens sneak over, but she is caught by a duck who sounds like Yakky Doodle. (You thought he sounded like Donald? Please.) Her chicks underneath her, shoot him.

The leader sounds a lot like Daffy. He laughs like Daffy too. But I refuse to accept him as Daffy. He’s too unlikable to be Daffy. I’m going to call him Douchebag. Douchebag duck. (Besides, where is the ring around his neck? Checkmate.) He disguises himself as the Easter Bunny to come deliver some eggs to Porky. But they are duck eggs, and the hatch-lings (who aren’t naked this time) rough him up before they retreat. (Cowards.) With night falling, the ducks lay down a smoke screen, (thanks to a cigar) and try to launch a sneak attack. The smoke rises just as they are about to pounce, and they begin dancing. The hens love it, and let their guards down, allowing the ducks to start beating them up.

The ducks are really upping their game. They even have real tanks to use. They begin firing and almost get Porky. He seals the shell in his foxhole and decides to take matters into his own hands. Using a washing machine as a gun and the corn as ammo, he is able to shoot down the ducks wherever they are. Even Douchebag who tries to surprise him ends up trapped. Porky wins. (I never doubted him.) To celebrate, he gives the hens the corn they were meant to have. But Douchebag has one more trick up his sleeve. More eggs. The new ducklings bring the corn back to their (father, I guess) and they happily munch. Yeah, laugh now, you bass turds. You’re still trapped, and it just so happens that I love duck. Don’t be surprised that Douchebag Duck never made any other appearances.

Personal Rating: 4

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Wholly Smoke

“I ain’t a p-puh-puny puss!”

How bout ditching that ceegar?

 

Supervision by Frank Tashlin; Story by George Manuell; Animation by Robert Bentley; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1938.

You know, you really shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you, makes you unpleasant to be around, and eats up funds you could be using for something more important. And don’t give me any of that: “It’s too addicting” crap. You don’t want to learn the hard way. My pal Porky did.

Another of the 100 greatest and my personal favorite from Tashlin.

It’s a lovely Sunday and Porky’s momma calls her offspring down. (Hilariously voiced by Ted Pierce.) She sends him off to church with a nickel for the collection plate. Why isn’t she going too? I guess she just doesn’t want her child to be an atheist like herself. On the way, Porky comes across some kid smoking a cigar. He points out that it’s bad, but the kid doesn’t take him seriously. Instead, he shows off some tricks he can do with the smoke. Making a target and hitting it with an arrow, creating a duck that flies, and kicking his cigar like a hackey sack and catching it again in his mouth. (Set to an ominous “Merry Go Round Broke Down”)

With his masculinity threatened, Porky bets the thug 5 real cents that he is just as tough. They’re children and this is the thirties; that’s some serious dough right there. The kid accepts and hands over his cigar, taking the nickel. He hasn’t won yet, but he doesn’t need to stick around really. Porky is practicing. He tries to show off some tricks with the smoke. He makes a target but hits his own behind with an arrow, creates a duck that flies and lays an egg on his face, and kicks his cigar like a hackey sack and catching the lit side in his mouth. (Set to an adorable “Merry Go Round Broke Down”.)

But all that tobacco takes its toll on poor Porky and he woozily blunders around, coming to a stop in a smoke shop. There he is spotted by some kind of smoke gremlin. He has the power to shrink Porky in size and wake him up with a snap of his fingers. He is a little shocked Porky doesn’t know who he is. All smokers know his name: Nick O’ Teen. Who is one of the scariest things Looney Tunes has to offer. With his soulless eyes, magical powers, and soft voice. (Again, brilliantly portrayed by Pierce.) Nick ties Porky up and prepares to go “Pigs is Pigs” on him. With musical accompaniment.

There are some singing matchsticks who look like they have blackface, (but you could say its debatable since they are extinguished) some literally chewing tobacco, and the three stogies. All singing a frightfully creepy version of “Mysterious Mose” about how little children shouldn’t smoke. (No one should, but they don’t want to come across as preachy.) Porky is forced into smoking more cigars, and given chewing tobacco, (which the poor guy swallows) as all the mascots come to life to scold him. (I would say it’s a nightmare version of “Foodfight”, but the original already earned that title, so this is the family friendly version by default.)

Bing Crosby and Rudy Vallee are there as some “Crooner” brand cigars. (Corona.) Cigarettes march, snuff boxes are drums, and even a pipe cleaner gets in the fun by imitating Cab Calloway. Porky does manage to get free and wakes up from this trippy… “pipe dream?” (Screw you, it’s funny) Hearing the church bell, he hurries over. Except, he still needs that nickel. He takes it back from the bully, shoves the cigar in his face and goes back to church to donate it. He vows never to smoke again. Except he did in “Rocket Squad.” And “Deduce, You Say.” And “The Awful Orphan.” And… Well, at least he never smoked a cigar again. So take it from me and Porky: Don’t smoke. Or we won’t be your friend.

Personal Rating: 4 (But if “Pigs is Pigs” never had never come out, it’d get the 5.)

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Porky’s Poppa

“Woe is me.”

The hoof that came to dinner.

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Charles Jones; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1938.

Well? What about Porky’s Poppa? Well my friend, Porky’s Poppa has a farm, E,I,E,I,O. (By the way, am I the only one who thinks that’s a weird chorus?) And on that farm he has a pig, Porky. Porky tries to “Oh, boy.” whenever the song says so, but his stammer keeps him from keeping the beat and asks to be skipped. That’s fine. There’s plenty of options on this farm. A goose who honks; (Naturally and with horns) A cow who shows off her calves; (The singers even go over her part again so we can see those legs, that joke alone is probably the only reason she’s wearing a skirt.) and a duck who encourages us all to sing along. The duck quacks, the cow shows off puppets instead of calves, the goose honks and Porky has a phonograph play his part. It goes smoothly until the record starts skipping.

But all is not well on the farm. For on this farm there is a mortgage. Porky’s Poppa has no way to pay the bills, as his chief source of income (the cow, Bessie) has rather suddenly gotten the dreaded “Hoof ‘N Mouth” disease. (My uncle went the same way.) But I guess this disease doesn’t affect any other species, as Porky’s Poppa has no problems selling the cow to a hamburger factory. Needing milk, Porky’s Poppa orders a new cow. A beautiful, mechanical, cream-lined cow. With just a flick of a switch, it begins making milk. What is that milk made of exactly?

Porky prefers Bessie and tries to get her to eat. That hoof is keeping her from getting the food required to make milk, so he puts the hay on her foot, and she sticks the whole thing into her mouth. Porky gives her some space and the blessed event occurs. She gives birth to “quart-tuplets.” And a bottle of chocolate malt, but Porky pretends he never saw that. (I’m torn myself. I want to laugh at that joke, but it’s not in very good taste.) Porky goes to show his father the results. Porky’s Poppa is not too convinced as the newer model can make more than milk. It can make Cottage cheese (shaped like cottages), Limburger cheese (with built in clothespins), and Swiss cheese (that yodels). Porky won’t give up an goes to keep Bessie eating. Personally, I’m with Porky on this one. Real cows are much better than metal ones. They have more flavor…

By putting an ice cube on her head, Porky can make Bessie produce ice cream cones. The metal one can do this too, and make non-dairy based creams to boot! Shaving cream, cold cream and even vanishing cream. Bessie (who seems to have gotten over her hoof problems) tries to eat more as she’s running low on fuel. Not wanting any competition, the metal moo’er pours vanishing cream on her hay, and proceeds to take any left for itself. Oh, so that’s how it works. It’s got real cow organs inside it Bessie tries to keep up, but all too soon, they’re down to the last straw. The two lunge for it and after the crash, Porky’s Poppa declares the metal cow the winner. Luckily though, Bessie clearly made it first, as she pops out of the things mouth.

Personal Rating: 4

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Porky’s Preview

“Hi g-gang!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Dave Monahan; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released in 1941.

Oh boy oh boy! Of all the Looney Tunes that don’t get their just recognition, this is at the top of that list. It’s the my number one pick for a short that I feel should have been on the list of the 100 greatest Looney Tunes. (Replace “Acrobattty Bunny” or “The Stupor Salesman” with this masterpiece.) It’s so funny! It’s so creative! What else can I say but, watch it while you can! I found the footage! Hurry and view it before it’s too late! You could die before you get another chance!

Did you watch it? I’m still going to talk about it, so I really hope you viewed it first. It’s magical.

Porky has a show going on that all the animals are eagerly heading into. A hen takes her eggs, a kangaroo takes the tickets. (And one guy’s arm.) He’s a male one with a pouch. This short’s only shortcoming. But I do like that “Professor Porky” Poster behind him.  And a firefly acts as an usher. A skunk would love to get in, but he can’t pay the 5 cent admission fee, as he only has one scent. (“Get it?”) As he walks off, he finds the exit. Seeing as how he read my ravings up there, he has no choice but to sneak in. (Considering he sounds just like Bugs, I can just picture him going “Ain’t I a stinker?” before heading in.) Porky gets on stage to address the audience. Even though, he’s still a boy in this short, he drew the whole cartoon by himself. (It wasn’t hard. He’s an artist.) So let’s see his magnum opus!

“PoRKy PiG’Ƨ FUNNy PictUReƧ” DRAwed by PoRKy PiG. (ARtiƧt) (7 yeaRƧ oLD) 2ND GRaDE. DRAFt No. 6 7/8 (FUNИy)

The little drawing labeled “me” always kills me. That’s the real troll face. There’s even an off key version of “The Merry go Round broke down”! After Porky’s awesome intro. We get to the StaRt of FUИNy PictUREƧ

CiRCUƧ PaRADe:  It’s a lovely day for the title. The animals include a lion, an elephant train, and a giraffe. They in turn are followed by a street sweeper.

CHoo-Choo tRAiN: (I love how he put a picture labeled “you’ up there next to his. It looks just like me!) A character drives a train and pulls the whistle to the tune of “California here I Come”. Puling back, we see that the engine stays level no matter what, and that the wheels stretch down to the tracks. And then we run out of background.

SoldiERƧ (MARcHIИ): What he said. A little soldier is continuously kicked in the rear, and when two groups of soldiers meet, they walk straight up into the sky and back down again. (Even turning gray when they do it.)

HoRƧE RAcE: (and now there’s a labeled horse too.) It’s a beautiful day for a horse race! All the horses and jockey’s are really tearing up the track. Except for that last one. That’s CRoƧBy’Ƨ HoRƧE.

DAИCEƧ: (With a picture of Porky, me and the horse too.) A hula dancer hulas. Her skirt comes down, probably giving us the first frontal nudity in a cartoon. (Porky!) A Mexican prepares to dance, but Porky keeps scribbling him out. Eventually, he manages to do a couple flips. (Before being scribbled out again.) A chorus line contains one tiny dancer amongst the others, and a ballerina stretches her legs out during a split.

GRAND FIИALE: A stick figure Al Jolson sings “September in the rain.” (The rain cloud keeps jumping back to him when its cue is heard.) Yes, there is some blackface. Get over it. Porky is just an impressionable youth who saw “The Jazz Singer”

With that, Porky’s masterpiece is complete. He goes on stage to ask how it was, but finds the audience fled when the skunk decided to sit down. (Judging by his enthusiasm though, they would have loved it just as much as me, the skunk, and you.

Personal Rating: 5 (And I think it deserves it too!)