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Cracked Ice

“I can almost feel pneumonia, embracing me in its icy grip.”

Directed by Frank Tashlin.  Released in 1938

This short starts eerily similar to the Mickey Mouse short “On Ice”, which was released 3 years earlier. Many creatures are enjoying some ice skating, and we get a few sight gags. Like a centipede’s segments scattering away from it’s body, and a fish skating in a pelican’s mouth. One bird is jumping over barrels. He messes up on the final jump and lands in a open area of the ice. His screams are heard by that W.C. Fields pig caricature we saw in “The Coocoo nut Grove.” (Obviously, his name is W.C. Squeals.) He begins to help the best way he can: calling for someone to help the bird out.

A St. Bernard hears the cries and comes to the rescue. He hauls the bird out, picks him out of his icy prison, and makes him a drink via the various liquors in his barrel. (For the record, it wouldn’t actually help.) This drink succeeds in warming the bird up. But now, Squeals is claiming he needs some too. He is deathly ill, otherwise he wouldn’t touch the stuff. The dog ignores him, so Squeals tosses a boulder into the water, and calls for help. (Even yelling “Splash. Splash.”) The dog comes back and finds he is lying on the ice. Out Cold. (Get it? Don’t laugh. It wasn’t funny.) The dog quickly mixes up another drink… and drinks it himself before leaving.

A voice begins laughing at Squeals. To those of you who don’t know your W.C. Fields lore, you’d think it was just a voice from the audience. To those of you who do know your W.C. Fields lore, you’ll know that it’s Charlie Mcarthy mocking him. (I did not know this was something the two did. I had to learn it from the commentary on my DVDs.) Squeals vows to get the goods. He fills up a plate with bones and sends it sliding towards Fido. Before the dog can chow down, Squeals uses a magnet to keep the dish just out of reach. The dog gives chase and Squeals realizes too late, that he’s going to crash. The impact sends the magnet into a hole in the ice, where it gets stuck on a fish.

While it struggles with it’s new accessory, the dog’s brandy (which was nowhere near the hole) begins to leak into the lake. The fish becomes a “pickled herring” if you will, and swims around drunk. The magnet pulls an axe above the ice after it, and the fish ends up using said axe to cut a hole in the ice around that bird from earlier. Squeals meanwhile, has come to and gets ready for a drink. The fish comes back, and Squeals’s skates are pulled along. The fish drags him to an ice skating competition, where it plays on a clock, (That is just under the ice. Don’t question it) and swims away from a bigger fish. Squeals is pulled along the whole time, and ends up winning the contest.

He is awarded a big trophy. He thanks everyone, (Mentioning Termite Terrace as well. Good brown snouting.) and pours the alcohol into the trophy to drink. Before he can indulge, the fish comes back and ends up dragging the trophy away from Squeals. (Much to Charlie’s delight)

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky the Fireman

“Scram outta here!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin.  Released in 1938.

The alarm goes off at Hook and Ladder Co. No. 1! Porky and the rest of the crew speed off to fight the fire. (Stopping in front of some product placement.) The men punch in, Porky too. (In fact, he wins the lottery doing that.) They begin their duties, but of course, problems arise. Porky yells for the water to be turned on. The little guy by the hydrant slowly and in the most indirect pathway possible walks over to ask what Porky said. Then he walks all the way back in the same manner.

The fire is fierce and refuses to go out without a fight. Many people are still inside as well. A fat woman screams for help, and the little guy climbs the ladder, grabs her, and drops her. (Favorite part.) An old man jumps out the window and uses his beard as a parachute. Another person falls though a smoke cloud and comes out as an unfunny blackface caricature. Porky is so bass (short for bad @$$) that he can scoop the fires into a bucket before putting them out in a fishbowl. A montage of events we just saw take place until finally the fire is out. Or is it? One little flame cautiously peeks out of the rubble and is instantly squirted by the crew. It retaliates by squirting them all back. The villain won this time.

Personal Rating: 3

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Plane Daffy

“You think I’m a Benedict Whoozits, or somethin’?”

Directed by Frank Tashlin.  Released in 1944

You know what is one of the most heroic birds? Carrier pigeons. Unintentional or not, these amazing birds were the mail carriers we needed during WWII. But alas, they are not quite at the top of the food chain, and did fall prey to falcons. I mention this, because the short is based on these birds. In a parody of “Dawn Patrol” we see a bunch of pigeons worriedly puffing cigarettes dry in one puff. Seems Homer Pigeon is A.W.O.L. and indeed he is. He is the company of the falcon, Matta Hari! (I like to think she’s a falcon, because a traitor pigeon is tainting my image of these wonders.)

Much like in the Private Snafu short “Censored”, he is slowly led to leaking info to the axis. As dumb as he sounds though, he’s no stool pigeon and refuses to tell. Matta (voiced by Sara Berner. Who you might know as Beaky Buzzard’s mom.) in turn, makes him a drink and once it’s been drunk he can’t stop blabbing. Hitler hears it all and Homer, sadly shoots himself in shame. (Outside of course. Don’t want to make a mess.) What can be done? All the other pigeons can’t do it, because they will just as likely fall prey to her seducing. The answer lies not in a pigeon, but in a duck!

Daffy vows to deliver a secret document, and he won’t be sidetracked because he hates women. (Easy now ladies, I’m sure he didn’t mean it.) He takes off and neither wind, hail, rain or sleet can stop him. He even flies past Matta’s place without a second glance. Until she shows some gam. Then he’s reeled in. (See girls? He may hate your personality, but no straight man can resist your meat.) Daffy isn’t all lost though. Inside, he does his best to not play her games, but her kisses are literally electrifying! He melts away into a crack, but quicky un-melts as soon as she tries to see his paper. He gives her a kiss of his own and she sparks too. Daffy runs but can’t seem to escape her. So, why doesn’t he just leave? It’s scary outside.

Eventually, she has him pinned to the wall with a gun. Daffy shows her! He eats the paper so she can’t ever get it. (Although he regrets having only one secret he can swallow for his country.) Not to be deterred, Matta straps him into an x-ray and phones up the fuhrer to see it. (Wb was ahead of their times. The first skype!) Hitler, Hermann Göring and Joseph Goebbels eagerly look to see. What’s the message? “Hitler is a stinker!” (HAH!) Hitler is understandably mad, as that is no secret. His cronies agree as everyone knows that. (One of the best lines ever.) Embarrassed at their blunder, they shoot themselves. I think we have this war in the bag!

Personal Rating: 4

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Porky’s Railroad

“Am-scray you m-m-mess of t-t-t-bones!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin.  Released in 1937

We see the 515, which is a huge speeding train! Obviously, this must be Porky’s vehicle. Why else would his name be in the title? Guesswhatit’snot. Porky is the engineer of a more humble locomotive. Less of a 515, and more of a 13 1/2. Her name is Toots and she’s a crack train. (And so is her driver. Their words, not mine!) How slow is Toots? A snail is easily able to outpace her. But then, she is powered by a lone candle. Plus the occasional sprinkle of pepper to give her a speed boost.

Porky is forced to take a stop as their is a cow on the tracks who refuses to move. Of course, she does move when she feels like it, but while she leaves, a bull passes her by and heads into some nearby bushes. Porky missed this, and when he sees a tail on the tracks, he naturally assumes it’s the cow again. He pulls on it, but luckily finds out it’s not a cow in time, and he speeds off. But more bad news threatens to spoil his day, as the dispatch office is told that Porky’s train should be taken off the rails. A character named I. Fuller Cinders is to take his place in his shiny new ride, “The Silver Fish.”

Porky is sad, but proves he is mature by wishing Cinders good luck. He seems like a decent enough fellow, but he does have the gall to insult Toots. Porky actually confides to us that he is sure his train would win in a race. (He can see me!) Cinders heard it too, and accepts. The race begins and Cinders is clearly the owner of faster material. The Silver Fish can leap over boats, whereas Toots has to drive over them. (Clever nod to Schlesinger’s boat. Why else would it be called the S.S. Leon?)

As Porky is crawling along, he passes by that bull from earlier. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s still mad about Porky pulling his tail. He charges into Toots and the resulting momentum propels her over the finish line! Porky wins and is the new captain of The Silver Fish. (Poor Cinders, that was probably his first day on the job.) And Toots? Well, I guess Porky doesn’t want her anymore as she is a passenger on the new train, heading for the last hoosegow. Rest well ole girl. You did great out there.

Personal Rating: 3

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You’re an Education

“Calling all countries! Calling all countries!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin. Released in 1938

This short takes place in a travel agency, where the brochures come to life. We see many different countries mixed with appropriate music gags. Hawaii plays “Aloha-oe”, Oxford plays “We’re working our way through college”, Scotland plays “The cambells are coming”, Africa plays “Conga”, and Mexico plays “La Cucaracha.” All the racial stereotypes cheer. “Cuba” plays a tuba and “India” plays that pipe, that snake charmers play. “Little America” and “Asia Minor” shake their rattles to the music, and a fish from the “Indian Ocean” does a war chant.

While the title song plays, two “Hungary” fellows visit the “Cook Islands” to fill their rumbling bellies. But why stop there? They get “Twin Forks, Minnesota” and load up their plates with “Turkey”, “Sandwhich (Islands), some “Thousand Island” dressing, “Hamberg(er)”, “Oyster” (Bay), and some “Java” to drink. While they tuck in, the thief of “Bagdad” sets about robbing the “Kimberly Diamond Mine.” He unlocks the door with the “Florida Keys” and tries to make off with his prize. However, he accidentally steps on a toy duck, waking a baby. It’s “Wales” alert everyone and many troops like the “England” guards and “Canada” Mounties rush after him.

He is found trying to sell the diamond to the “Pawnee” Indians and he tries to run for it. The “Pisa” tower blocks his path, he is poked by “West Pointers”, and must take cover from an erupting “Mt. Vesuvius.” His hiding place in the “London” fog, is revealed by the “Holland” windmill. A man from a “Dude Ranch” lassos him and drags him through the “Red, Black, and Yellow” seas. (Turning him many different colors) “Italy” uses its shape to kick him and he lands on the horse of the Lone Stranger. They gallop off together. (Huh. The villain won.) Interestingly enough, the Lone Stranger would reappear a few months later with Porky.

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky in the North Woods

“When I catch him, I will tear him limb from tree!”

Directed by Frank Tash. Released in 1936

Porky is the proud owner of a game refuge. There is absolutely no hunting, trapping, fishing, and firing around. Sounds great. All the animals definitely think so. But a evil character named Jean-Baptiste, is out setting bear traps, fishing, and just tossing torches around any dang way. (It’s Billy Bletcher again. Who I’m just now realizing has played many of my favorite villains: The Big Bad Wolf, Lawyer Goodwill, The Yellow Scientist, The Pincusion man, just to name a few.)

Cut to two beavers. One named Benny. (Although I’ve read alternate sources saying it’s Betty) who is in the middle of a game of leapfrog with another. (Who I will call either Benny or Betty. Whichever the other one isn’t.) They spy an apple and rush forwards eagerly. But apparently there is only enough for one, and after the tussle, Benny/Betty happily grabs his/her prize. Surprise! It’s a trap. (For shame Jean, hunting beavers with a bear trap.) Betty/Benny runs to go find Porky. (But not before helping herself/himself to the now safe apple.)

She/he gets Porky and he comes back to free the other. (Who is voiced by Bernice Hansen.) But there’s more trouble. A rabbit somehow got only it’s ears caught in one. (How did it end up doing that?) And a weasel got it’s whole body caught in another. (All right I’m going to say it. You purposely let that happen. Masochist.) Jean meanwhile, is not happy to find all of his traps empty, and vows to make Porky pay. Porky however, isn’t running away, he’s running a first-aid station, where he irons out all the animals bodies to straighten them out again.

Jean finds this, and marches in. (And gets his fingers ironed.) Caught, Porky has no chance of escape and Jean roughs him up quite a bit. (Clearly he’s the victim here. I mean his illegal traps were robbed.) Seeing Porky in danger, one of the beavers pulls an alarm (Moose) and alerts all of mother nature’s finest. Bears! Skunks! Turtles? (I figure they’d be hibernating.) All coming to the rescue. Jean tries to flee on skis, but the animals still beat him up with various tools and send him headfirst into the snow, leaving only his skis above ground. The beavers in turn, make this into a see-saw.

Personal Rating: 3

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Now that Summer is Gone

“Poppa needs a new pair o’ shoes.”

Directed by Frank Tashlin. Released in 1938.

Another year has gone by, and in the tradition of updating each year, I will now list the year in which the day’s featured short was released. So, let’s begin.

It’s Fall, and that means the squirrels are busily storing acorns for the winter to come. All except one little squirrel. Work is for those who don’t like to have fun. He’d much rather gamble for them. He wins and the other all storm off. (What poor losers.) Unfortunately, the squirrel’s father shows up and scolds him for his deeds. (The other squirrels laugh and tell him that gathering acorns is the right way to do it. Hypocrites.) Despite his dad’s warnings, Jr. keeps it up and wins all the time. Soon enough, it’s time to go get their acorn supply from the “nutional bank.” His dad reminds him to not gamble while doing so, but he immediately runs into another squirrel who offers to play with him.

Admist a montage of dice, cards and roulette wheels, the little squirrel steadily loses everything. (Obviously that older guy is cheating.) With nothing left to win, the gentleman leaves and Jr. sadly heads home. Once there, he begins telling a tale of how bandits beat him up and stole the acorns. (They must’ve been nice enough to clean him up afterwards.) Too engrossed in his fib, he doesn’t notice his dad putting on the disguise he was wearing. (Are you shocked?) But he does soon enough. Having caught his delinquent son in the act, his father plans to give him ten lashes. Has Jr. learned his lesson? Will he take the punishment like a man? Heck No! He offers double or nothing but gets paddled anyway. We hear his cries of pain all through the ending.

Personal Rating: 3

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Little Beau Porky

“You! Scrub my Camel!”

Directed by Frank Tash

At a Foreign Legion outpost, “Le Comandent” comes out to speak to the troops. He has so many medals, he jangles whenever he steps. Looking over everyone, he sees Porky at the end dozing off. He calls him up for a camel wash. As they walk, Porky imitates him, but “Le Comandent” is not amused. Porky tries his best to wash the ungulate, but it keeps standing up and laying down. Whichever is the opposite of Porky’s location.

While that is happening, an injured soldier comes by to deliver a message. It seems like a man named Ali Mode is coming to attack. Everybody rushes out to the rescue. Even Porky. (Riding the camel that I’m pretty sure was established to not be his) “Le” tells him that as a camel scrubber, he is not allowed to come. Claiming he’s not scared, Porky locks up everything anyway. (Says he felt a draft.)

With everyone gone, Ali tries to take advantage of the (what he believes is empty) post. He knocks at the door Porky is hammering shut, and gets the Pig to believe it’s an echo. Soon enough, Porky catches on and Ali’s forces attack. They dig into the base, but Porky chops a tree that lands on all of them, and sends them back outside. Porky defends the whole place, and he kicks butt! Even that camel I don’t think he owns helps out. At the end of the short, it’s revealed that Porky is now “Le Comandant.” (He has so many medals, they hang off of his uniform.) Even that camel gets some recognition. With medals stretched between his humps. (Wait, how’d a bactrian camel get here anyway?)

Personal Rating: 3

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Little Pancho Vanilla

“You will never be bullfighter. You will always be, Mamacita’s good little machachito.”

Directed by Frank Tashlin

Our main character, Pancho, is reading a book on bullfighting. His mother however, is very discouraging and pretty much tells him he sucks. As Pancho (whose age is also never mentioned) sulks, three senoritas (of unidentifiable age) walk by. They cheerfully say hi, but Pancho is too busy brooding to be polite. The girls sing/mock him. (That’s the best part) Their attention is grabbed by a poster, that shows Clark Gable as a toreador. He’s apparently the greatest in the world! Or at least in Mexico. Pancho knows of one better: himself. The girls laugh. Come the big day, Pancho tries to enter the amateur entrance with everyone else. (At least he’s not insisting he’s a pro) He is turned away due to being too short. He sits on a wagon and grumbles at the fact they’re not letting him in, because he would scare the bull. (Suddenly, I have a huge craving for sour grapes) Inside, the bull is making billiard balls out of everyone. They bounce around, (dissapearing) and one flies out and lands on the wagon Pancho’s on. This launches him into the arena. He lands on the bull who is knocked down. Getting his second wind, the bull charges. Pancho may not be very big, but he is fast and gets out of the way. The bull still launches him, but Pancho launches him right back. Not fooling around, the bull revs up and gives a mighty charge that sends Pancho into the air. He falls on the bull and knocks him out for good. Back with his mom, Pancho and the girls (who I think I will name: Rose, Rosie, and Rosita) tell her what happened. She still acts kinda like a jerk. (You could’ve gotten hurt) But at least she makes use of Pancho’s first prize: a washing machine.

Personal Rating: 2

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The Case of the Stuttering Pig

“I’m going to get rid of those pigs!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin

Ahh. It feels good to be talking about my good pal, Porky again. Our story begins and, “It was a dark and stormy night.” Inside a house, there are six pigs. The majority of which seem frightened out of their wits, but my man Porky is smiling. Until, there’s a knock at the door. That sends all of them into the air. (I would like to point out that Porky IS wearing pants in this short) There’s no need to worry however, it’s only thier good friend, Lawyer Goodwill. (voiced by Billy Bletcher. Yeah, he can play a nice character can’t he?) Apparently, good, old, uncle Solomon Swine, (who looks an awful lot like Olliver Hardy) had passed away. Goodwill is here to read the (good) will. Or rather, he just lets them read it. Is that allowed? Seems their Uncle is leaving his entire house to his niece and nephews. (And he also seems to not want to be burried on the lone prarie.) But wait! There’s more! If they die, then Solomon’s friend, Goodwill gets everything! (They seem a little too interested in reading that part) Goodwill leaves. *phew* I though for sure he’d kill them. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal to have a secret lair in the basement of your dead friends house. Goodwill must be thirsty as he pours himself a nice glass of “Jeckyll and Hyde Juice.” Turning into something I’m sure we’ve all seen in our nightmares at some point, he announces his plan to remove what stands in the way of his inheiritance. (Huh. I never saw it coming.) He tells us all in the audience that we can’t do jack to help. (darn) Especially the guy in the third row. Anyways, Porky and his (siblings? cousins? I don’t think it’s ever stated) are all getting settled in. But the lights keep turning off and on, and each time, another of the pigs dissapear. First, Patrick. Then Peter. And Percy. And then Portus. Until thery’re all gone. Well, acutally, Porky and Petunia just went hiding behind the chair. (Out of all Petunia’s appearances, this is the only one where she and Porky are related.) Goodwill meanwhile, tells the others how he plans to do them in, as soon as he gets the last two. (why not? might as well get it done all at once) Before leaving, he mocks the  third row guy again. He captures Petunia quite easily, but I guess decides to have fun with Porky first, as he just follows him in Petunia’s place. When Porky notices, he runs up the stairs and leaps into the safety of Goodwill’s arms. (That juice must give you superhuman abilities. and duck feet) Porky runs again and finds his…sibl…cous…family stuck in some stocks. He frees them, but it appears to be too late! Goodwill has them cornered and moves in for the kill. When, all of a sudden, a chair flies in, hits Goodwill, and lands him in the stocks himself. Who could have done such a kind gesture? It’s the guy in the third row of course. (Voiced by Mel Blanc, in his normal voice)

Personal Rating: 4