Posts

Posted on

A Street Cat named Sylvester

“I tawt I taw a tweety bird.”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Virgil Ross, Arthur Davis, Manuel Perez, and Ken Champin; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc. Music: Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on September 5, 1953.

That title is a lie. Sylvester is very much a pet today. But the pun! Too tempting! And yet, Tweety still gets the star billing. He’s been around longer.

Things start off in the style of their first team-up: Tweety is taking note of how winter is the death of all joy and will to live in the world, and only barely managing to stay warm via the heat of a cigar butt. Fate’s wind blows him into a house, and he bangs on the door, pleading for sanctuary. He’s putting a lot of effort into his door pounding, but no human would be able to hear his little fist-wings over the howl of that gale. That door would need to be answered by a feline, but what, are we supposed to believe this is a cartoon?

Sylvester is delighted by what is on the other side of the door. You gotta take advantage when opportunity knocks, and take it he does. It always makes me laugh when he licks Tweety like a ice-pop. That’s as far as he gets before Granny is attracted by the noise. She’d probably try to interfere and keep him from eating something crawling with germs. Sylvester sticks his treat in a vase with books on top to prevent any escapes. Not noticing anything out of the ordinary, Granny takes him to the kitchen for supper.

As is expected of a cat, he turns his nose up at the canned stuff. See, cats were just never meant to be pets like pigs. Don’t ask me how humanity got their roles mixed up. All I can tell you youngin’s about is the glory of movie rental stores. There’s a third mammal in the house too: Hector the bulldog, but he’s tied up with a broken leg. Somehow got it from chasing Sylvester. He shouldn’t be an obstacle, but Sylvester is a black cat, and they’re like bad luck or something.

Granny takes notice of the oddly placed books, meaning Sylvester is going to have to act fast and cause a distraction. Anything that will further hurt the dog will be a plus. He makes Hector’s injured paw slam on the ground, and the dog howls. (The howls of pain in this short may sound familiar. I’ve heard them get reused in the films like “George of the Jungle” and games like “Frogger 2: Swampy’s Revenge”.) Properly distracted, Granny comes to give him medicine to ease the pain. Judging by the fear in his eyes and the green in his pallor, it’s nasty stuff.

When Sylvester finally gets back to his prize, he finds a TNT stick instead. The chase leads back over to Hector who gives the cat a bite. That sounded like a howl of pain! And that medicine isn’t the kind that you have to wait at least four hours between doses. Granny could make him chug the whole bottle if it wasn’t so expensive. Sylvester does a stupid thing in his panic, and hides Tweety in the dog’s mouth. Luckily, the medicine isn’t fatal to birds, as Tweety ends up taking the worst of it. But it’s a temporary victory, since when Hector smacks Sylvester with a club, his howls of pain summon Granny for a repeat performance.

Tweety decides to stick with Hector for protection, leading Sylvester to drastic measures. He hoists the fridge up via a rope, and aims to drop it on Hector. Even though the dog is for sure under its shadow, it ends up dropping on Sylvester. Black cats. Why aren’t there more cartoons where the bad luck they bring affects themselves? Sylvester is now laid up next to Hector and worse yet, will be subjected to the same toxic tonics. And worse than that? Tweety has been fiddling with the stuff and added whatever and so forth to the bottle. If Sylvester doesn’t die, the best case scenario will be like something out of Roald Dahl’s imagination.

Favorite Part: Hector saying Tweety will be taken over his dead body. (Which is surreal to hear him say after watching the entirety of “The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries” and hearing him speak naught but typical canine noises.) Sylvester says that condition can be arranged. It’s cliche, but its always cool when someone says they’ll take them up on it.

Personal Rating: 3

Oh, and here’s this:

I know if you read my blog that you’ll have already seen this, but I wouldn’t be a good fan if I didn’t put it up. I’m excited, but cautious.

Posted on

Bosko’s Party

“I got a present… for ya, Honey.”

Animation by Isadore Freleng and Larry Martin. A Looney Tune released on April 2, 1932.

It may rain, but Bosko has a sunny day in his heart on all days that have the letter ‘d’ in them. Even if that wasn’t the case, he has reason to feel glad when the sky feels gloomy: he’s going to a party! It’s not a party for him, despite how you interpret the title, it’s more like a party he threw together. That means it can legally be called his party as long as it’s not in honor of anybody else. So, what’s the occasion? It has to have a reason, even if it’s a “throwing a party for no reason” party. Actually it’s way better than that: it’s Honey’s birthday party! She’ll see him in court, but will probably lose as he’s the star around here.

While she gets ready for the day, Bosko and a whole bunch of her closest friends have already broken into her place to surprise her. Everybody is here! There’s that little dog that joins Bosko in the ending title cards; the only Oswald clone; Mickey clone #338; Wilber; and Pants Pig, second step-cousin to Piggy. And every one of them has got to hide if they want to surprise Honey, because here she comes! (Wilber? Please don’t take your pants off. It’s not one of those parties that needs the police involved.)

Wilber has a bit of trouble trying to find a good hiding spot; all his first choices are already taken. Since Bosko knows nobody will care if they can’t see him ever again, he sticks him under a flower pot. Once everyone is hid, Honey enters the room and… SURPRISE! Happy birthday Honey! Even though, you’re 2 1/2 max, we rounded up and got you a third candle for your cake. And we all chipped in an got you a present. Well, Bosko picked it out. Open it! Show us what it is!

Your dog? But you already have one of those. Bosko chases after the canine, but it ends up falling into the fancy aquarium. These are the kind of things that seeing will turn Honey’s stomach white. And there was never really any need to get mad at the dog, the present’s fine. It’s a ukulele! (Which means the five bucks I coughed up was wasted.) Might as well give it a test play, Bosko can accompany you on vocals. And Wilber is still stuck under the pot. Nobody has noticed he’s disappeared from the party, and I suddenly feel a kinship with the little guy.

He manages to escape, but immediately ends up caught in a mousetrap. Why would you have that set up when you invited mi-… oh wow. You guys are evil. He ends up falling into the cake, ensuring he now doesn’t have to share with the birthday girl. Wilber was the mastermind all along.

Favorite Part: Honey is about to get dressed, (Sexy negligee) when she breaks the fourth wall and sees us. She retreats behind a partition for privacy, but there’s a mirror in a perfect position. This is the most erotic cartoon of its day.

Rating: 2

Posted on

Goldilocks and the Jivin’ Bears

“Jitterbugs!”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Ken Champin; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on September 2, 1944.

Wasn’t “Coal Black” great? The answer is yes with an asterisk and a lengthy footnote. Wouldn’t it be great to do another parody of a Disney picture as an all black jazz number? Same answer as above. Too bad by this time in history Walt only had the one fairy tale feature film to his name, and those “Silly Symphonies” just wouldn’t do. (Although now there is a sickly curious part of me who wants to see what “The 3 Black Pigs” would have been like.) Guess we’ll just have to parody one of our shorts. Tex is no longer here. No permission needed to doctor “The Bears Tail.”

Like “C.B.” we have a narrator who only appears at the beginning, but his voice at least stays all the way through. Good thing. This story is so complex that I need his help. There are indeed three bears, and *sigh* the narrator specifically states that they are of the black species. Obvious joke is still hurtful. We’ll just call them what the picture does: Big Size, Middle Size, and Wee Small. Big has that Stepin Fetchit look, Middle is all Fats Waller, and Wee… I don’t know. I can tell he’s voiced by Mel, at least. The other two both sound like Fats because… I don’t know.

Now, because these are black bears, they are uneducated, have unflatteringly large lips, and are quite the talented musicians. At least that one is a positive stereotype? They got a good jam going, but they’re playing so hard that soon all their instruments get too hot. (Okay. That’s actually pretty clever.) Only thing to do now is take a walk and let them cool. While they do that, let’s check on their neighbors. They live just across the way from Grandma’s house, and the story there is also underway: there’s a wolf in the old lady’s bed waiting on the arrival of Red Riding Hood.

Aw, what the heck. Let’s explain the lack of Red with a callback to another short. Red is now the one doing her part for the war effort, as the telegram boy explains. Here’s where the Stepin voice went. I did get a chuckle at him obliging when the wolf says “Well kill me dead!” at hearing the news. The wolf managed to dodge the shot, and he soon sees Goldilocks entering the other house. Goldilocks in name only, or she’d probably look like this:

Guess it was really a jinx.

And just like So White, she doesn’t look that bad. At least if you can accept the opinion of a white guy. I can’t legally say she’s attractive though. Isn’t Goldilocks traditionally a minor? She may have been aged up, but I’ll bet she’s in her teens. Good thing the wolf has nothing sexual about his predatory ways. Since there’s no porridge in this tale, I guess Goldi just broke in to use the facilities and then, sure, why not take a nap? There’s always the possibility that this really is a BNB.

The majority of beds are either too hard, or too soft. The latter of which I never thought would suck sleeping in. The last one is just right, except for the wolf. Chase ensues, and it’s at that time that the bears return. The struggling two can be mistaken for dancers, and since the bears are uneducated, that’s what they see them as. They start the music, and the wolf plays along. Only problem is, Goldi isn’t afraid of him now and forces him to be her dance partner. And can that girl dance! It’s exhausting for an animal that was meant to walk on all four legs. He tries to leave, but can’t escape.

I lied. Once he boards up the doors and windows, he can retreat back to the safety of Grandma’s. Red finally does show up and… wow. I really thought the trend of making the black ladies in these cartoons look good would continue. No such luck. First of all, she has really long legs paired with a really short dress that is completely hidden by her hood in the back. Makes her look almost nude. And her face is reminiscent of Sunflower the centaurette. The only time comparing somebody to “Fantasia” isn’t the highest form of compliment.

The wolf is still too worn out to get after Red, and his problems increase when the bears find him again. Since Grandma has all the instruments they play on hand, the party can last as long as the bears can. And this isn’t one of those stories where the wolf ate Grandma. She comes out of the cupboard to force the wolf to dance some more. A perfect revenge.

Favorite Part: Big Size recommending the walk. The other two find the idea stupid, and refuse to take part. He’s got to show them the book takes his side to get them to agree.

Personal Rating: 2. And that’s a very low 2. Music is great, there’s a couple of decent jokes that don’t rely on the characters being black, and Goldi really does look good. But I don’t think any of those points are strong enough to cancel out the negative aspects. But as my scoring system states: if there’s a smidge of good that I think keeps it from being totally unviewable, it gets the 2. Still, it’s a good thing this was the last of the Censored 11 to get made. That’s 11 times too many to make cartoons we have to be ashamed of to this day.

Posted on

Daffy’s Southern Exposure

“Name your poison, kid.”

Supervision by Norman McCabe; Story by Don Christensen; Animation by Vive Risto; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on May 2, 1942.

Ducks fly south when winter starts to hit. And fly north again when summer returns to their original residence. As such, they live in a perpetual state of blissful warmth and never suffer from seasonal depression. How I envy them. But according to Daffy, it’s gotten old. He opts to stay behind this migration to see what winter is like. I can guarantee that the thrill will run out by the smallest fraction of time it took for you to somehow lose interest in the only time of the year worth living through.

Things start out great. With a full lake to himself, Daffy can splash, jump and “woo-hoo” to his heart’s content. (What’s with the fade-out?) Since he has an audience, he tries showing off his fancy dives. As it is wont to do, winter ruins everything with a jump cut. Daffy switches to skating. It couldn’t get worse than this, right? Hold my cold duck. The snow, snow, snow comes down, down, down, in crushing freezing pile-ups, and anyone with half a brain would be smart to cry. Yup. In fact, it snows so hard that even the captions describing the scene can’t find Daffy. Can’t say he wasn’t warned.

Daffy is able to poke his head out of the storm to scold any of us who might have been laughing at his starvation. See, as if winter wasn’t already evil and vile enough, it also destroys a majority of food that nature’s babies need to survive. If I haven’t made myself clear enough, I was always on Heat Miser’s team. I don’t want to set the world on fire, but I can’t lie that I’d die happy. I don’t know how long Daffy has been struggling by this point, but he’s starting to see trees as meat. Protein! Delicious, filling protein! You’re needed!

Then, a blessed aroma. Food! It is food, right? Surprisingly, there’s no ‘could be’ joke. The scent vapor just spells ‘yeah food’. Daffy doesn’t have a nose to follow wherever it goes, but nostrils are enough. The scent is coming from a cabin just yonder. Inside of which dwell a couple of natural duck predators: a fox and a weasel. The weasel will be called ‘Abigail’ later on, so that’s his canon name. The fox has none, so if I had more of a following, I’d allow readers to vote on the name he’ll receive. Instead, I’ma call him Jackson.

These two have food all right, but they’re not happy. It’s all beans. Sure, they’ve got all the protein and fiber you could ask for, but have you eaten canned beans recently? Not as a side dish, but a main course. They’re kinda bland, and very soft. Not satisfying to chew. No surprise, Jackson has reached his breaking point. He wants meat. Thick, juicy, plump, marbled, direct from a corpse, meat. And there’s a knock at his door. The two are pleased to find a duck, but he’s a starving duck. And if you’re going to have duck, you want it to have some fat. That is some delicious fat.

Good thing they have food. Donning lady disguises, they invite Daffy in to fill his belly, while they method act their way through “Arsenic and Old Lace”. Just, hold the arsenic. There’s even a musical number where they try to play up the beans as the best meal Daffy’s ever had in his life. What they don’t know is, if you’re starving any meal will be the best meal of your life. When Daffy is stuffed to their satisfaction, they reveal the charade. Really should have waited for him to fall asleep or something.

Daffy flees, with Jackson close behind. Abigail, being the dumb one of the duo, runs into a wall. It’s a fairly short chase; Daffy is able to lose the fox by treating a log spanning a chasm as a railroad switch that makes a second path. Jackson runs into oblivion. I hope they have meat in heaven. Daffy runs all the way to Brazil. He might accidentally burn off all the calories the beans bestowed upon him. Last I heard, he had taken residence in the headdress of the furry version of Carmen Miranda. As for Abigail, I think he’s still loyally waiting for his friend to return with the duck. So beautiful. So tragic. One of the two, anyway.

Favorite Part: During the chase, Daffy stops Jackson. “Hey, jusht a minute bub, jusht a minute.” Is he gonna follow up with ‘are you following me?’ Nope. He just hits his pursuer.

Personal Rating: 3. I really don’t like winter. It’s lucky to have scored so well.

Posted on

This is a Life?

“Easthy sthomach. Don’t turn over.”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Ted Bonnicksen and Arthur Davis; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Music by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on July 9, 1955.

That title is the title of my favorite show! It’s a program where they take someone from the audience, usually well known, and honor them by asking about their life story, showing some clips from their past, bringing on important people from their history, maybe even giving you a present at the end. Just in case it’s me this week, my guest stars will be named Richard, Megan, and Sabra. (The first two will not be pleased to interact with me again.) My gift can be every one of my characters as drawn by an animator I admire. Sally Cruikshank can do my self-insert, Tartakovsky can do the assassin, and Gooseworx can do the pogo-stick creature that has fingers coming out of its arms.

Drat my luck! Considering the celebs we got in the audience, I don’t fancy my chances. Granny, Bugs AND Daffy? I’ll be lucky to appear on the camera feed. Emcee Elmer says that our mystery guest is beloved in motion pictures, so that rules out me and Buddy. The person also is thoughtful of others, generous, charitable… Daffy is certain it’s none other than himself. Admitting that this constant praise would only be embarrassing if it wasn’t all true. And here comes Elmer now. Daffy happily introduces himself and tells Elmer that there’s much to tell. Don’t waste time talking to the rabbit next to him, just read out the name already!

So after Bugs is summoned to the stage, Elmer asks for him to start from the beginning. Bugs describes a scene he saw in “Fantasia” once. The Earth was young and tumultuous. Quakes and volcanoes abounded, but in a bit of water, life was starting out as microscopic blobs called protists. They probably used their flagella to kiss. That’s too far back for Elmer’s liking, so Bugs fast-forwards to 1947, when a hare was born in Manhattan.  We’re in a clip show after all. Shame Elmer cuts it after his first words. He wants to talk about the first time they met. Would that be “A Wild Hare” or “The Old Grey Hare“?

Guess I’m a pretty poor scholar. They first met in “Hare Do“. Duh! We just get to see Elmer lured over a cliff, before it’s time to move on. I love Bugs’s cheeky grin at remembering this. And Elmer’s book changes colors too. Elmer is a wizard. Time for a voice from Bugs’s past. It’s loud, gruff, rough, tough, devoid of fluff, buff, full of guff, a bit of huff, and that’s enough: it’s Yosemite Sam. Come to tell about the time Bugs was on his ship. Always a good idea to remember “Buccaneer Bunny“, but Sam never said it was a picture. Was he really a pirate in this continuity? Has he done hard prison time, then? Did he ever get another parrot?

Bugs is enjoying this trip through memory lane, but he’s the only one laughing. He even makes note of the time he threw lit matches in Sam’s powder room. Great callback! But the next two are total fabrications. Putting eels in their bed sounds kinda crass for Bugs, and covering them in cement is too dark. Elmer and Sam start plotting at this point, putting a lit bomb in a box for the bunny. Bugs takes it, but tries regifting once he hears it ticking. Do time bombs get lit fuses? A game of (extremely) hot potato erupts. Despite everything indicating the bomb was lit onstage and seen by everybody, Daffy decides to claim it for himself. Ah, but he probably had his eyes shut for most of it. Pleased to get what he claims is rightfully is, he explodes with happiness.

Favorite Part: Daffy complaining about his limelight being stolen by a nobody. While he rants, Granny starts looking for something. He correctly guess it’s her umbrella she wants, so he hands it to her. Glad to have it back, she smacks him. Almost makes me ignore the crazy eyes she has. Do the elderly enjoy crack?

Personal Rating: 3. I’m normally not so generous to the shorts that reuse clips, but the wrap around segment was enjoyable, took up most of the screen time, and showed a beautiful contrast of Bugs and Daffy’s egos.

Posted on

Gone Batty

“I don’t like you.”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Sid Marcus, Ben Washam; Animation by Charles McKimson, Herman Cohen, Rod Scribner, and Phil DeLara; Layouts by Robert Givens; Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on September 4, 1954.

Game day! Championship at that! Our home team is the Greenville Goons and their opponents, the Sweetwater Shnooks. (Sic.) The Goons are your typical Gashouse Gorillas style team. Big and oafish, permanent stubble, and smelling like trouble. The Shnooks (Sic.) take after the Tea Totallers in that they look like they’ll be eaten alive, chewed as cud, eaten again, and spat out like tobacco. But as the game gets going, we can see where the teams differ. The Shnooks (Sic.) can actually play. Sure, they’re a bit on the thin side and seem to dress like they think it’s still an age where they could play the mighty Casey, but they are capable!

The Goons also differ from their predecessors: They rely more on cheating. I had no doubt the gorillas weren’t good, albeit dirty, players, but I suppose since they were playing weaklings they just didn’t feel the need to break out the tricks until a silly rabbit entered the game. The Goons will run out of the stadium to catch home-runs, and aren’t afraid to use the bats on more than balls. The Shnooks (Sic.) could use a lucky rabbit to get the upper hand, seeing as its the final inning and they’re still yet to score any runs. This calls for a desperate measure.

They have a mascot, and due to their players getting knocked out, they’re going to use him. When I asked for a hint as to what thing it might be, they told me to think hyraxes and dugongs. No. It… it couldn’t be! But it is! My beloved baby! The bouncing, beautiful, bat boy himself, Bobo! Still as cute as I remember him! And finally gotten over his log carrying stigma. The Goons protest, but “There’s nothing in the rule book that says an elephant cannot pitch!” He looks a little nervous to actually be playing, but he gets the hang of things soon. Or should I say he gets the point? When a Shnook (Sic.) gives him a good poke, he can throw the ball far faster than human reflexes can hope to hit. And Bugs was also kind enough to teach him that slow ball trick. Still works.

But striking opponents out won’t get you any points. The real way to win at this game is to do the batting yourself. (Color changing bat.) Still a little unsure of himself, but he shouldn’t be. He’s packing more than wimpy horsepower! The balls he hits get enough kinetic energy to go through Goons hands. And as an elephant, he’s naturally smart. When he sees a ball is being loaded full of teeny T.N.T., he allows to catcher to live up to his profession. It’s time to bring out the big gun. A bazooka designed to fire more baseballs than the average player pitches in a standard baseball career. Do elephants have great reflexes?

Well this one does! He hits every ball right back, whence it came. No wonder the Goons resorted to cheating the whole game. They can’t catch a single ball out of the hundreds in the atmosphere? Actually, they can, but that single has enough force to force him underground. Reusing the “I got it gag” from “Baseball Bugs” but hardly near as funny. It all comes down to the final pitch. Thanks to that bazooka, the Shnooks (Sic.) are tied for first place. One more home run will net them the game! So how will the Goons try to prevent this?

Not as imaginatively as their bazooka. They resort to just tying Bobo to a stake. But simplicity often nets the best results and poor Bobo is stuck at home. If he loses, I’ll die! After the rest of my life occurs, of course. The Goons will die first. Time for another one of the incredible talents elephants naturally possess. Their trunks are quite stretchy, and creative liberties may have been taken, but I don’t care. Bobo’s trunk clears the bases, and since it’s a part of him, it counts! Shnooks (Sic.) win! Knew my precious Bobo was the best player that will ever exist, shut the game down now. Unfortunately, they couldn’t resist ending on the joke we all saw coming: he works for peanuts. Bleh. I hate peanuts.

Favorite Part: One of the Goons’ pitchers. Look at the literal arm cannon on Rodney Aran there! Reminds me of what you once saw in Fleischer cartoons and now see in “Cuphead”.

Personal: It can’t help but reuse gags from its superior predecessor, but there’s enough new here for it to stand on its own. And it has a cuter character! (Yeah, I said it!) 3 all around! What do you mean this was Bobo’s last appearance? Is he that similar to Dumbo? Disney’s lawyers are destroying any joy I had left in my sad, pathetic existence.

Posted on

Porky’s Naughty Nephew

“Uncle Porky? Uh, can I go swimming? Oh boy! Buy me an ice cream cone! When’s Christmas? Oh, can I go swimmin’? When’s the Easter Bunny comin’? Why? What? Oh, I wanna help on these things. How soon will we get there?”

Baby pigwets awe so cute!

Supervision by Robert Clampett; Animation by Robert Cannon; Story by Warren Foster; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Looney Tune released on October 15, 1938.

It’s the best kind of day. The day of the Cartoon Animal Outing. (If it also includes chocolate then I’m never leaving.) Porky’s going to be there, but his sister, (you know, the one who smokes hams?) has coerced him into babysitting. I’ve made it no secret that I don’t particularly care for children. They’re loud and stubborn and I can’t speak to them on an adult level. I’ve also made it very well known that I love pigs. And piglets are the cutest pigs can get. So what am I supposed to think of little Pinkie here?

Well, he’s got a bonnet. Minus five cute points. He’s got a wide, chubby smiling face. That’s good. He is voiced by maybe Bernice Hansen just slightly sped up, I’d wager. And he loves to torment his uncle. You’d think that’s the clincher, but no, I just can’t bring myself to say otherwise. He’s adorable! His widdle waugh! His chubby tummy! His “innocent” coos! I admit that he’s best in small doses, and it’s all for the best that he’d only make one more appearance after today, and then Cicero got the nephew gig, but for today, let me gush.

Porky barely gets settled for a nap when Pinkie’s misbehavioral impulses start up. He swats Porky with his plastic sand shovel, then leaps back into pure innocence before Porky can reprimand him. Porky decides to blame the only other kid he sees on the beach wielding a shovel. Porky, not very meanly at all, tells the squirt that he shouldn’t hit people with shovels and takes it away from him. The kid’s no novice at sand scooping, though. He has a backup. When Porky tries to take that one as well, he gets beaned by the kid’s biggest shovel. Wanna join the fun, Pinkie?

Pinkie grabs the shovel and takes a swing to defend his uncle’s honor, but the kid ducks and Porky is clobbered. Judging by the kids’ smiles, this was planned. Pinkie then heads to a body of water and pretends to be drowning. Porky, ever the caring sort, dives into about a foot and a half of water. And now a sea star is plastered on his face. Oh. I thought it was just a small pond. I’m kinda scared of how high the tides reach here. Pinkie apologizes for his antics, promises to behave from now on, and is rewarded with an opportunity to bury Porky in sand. Pinkie has a drivers license and permit to operate dump trucks, and Porky now looks ready for a luau.

Time for the real reason any of us came out here: the swimming race! Porky’s gotta win, cause he has me on his side, and that means he has America on his side! At the starters pistol, Porky jumps right in while every other contestant turns back to get some sort of cheating device. Now I really like Porky’s odds since I’m pretty sure I’ve read that the odds of cheaters winning is somewhere around the never mark. This also proves that Porky is the kind of sports hero we can all look up to. (Was that Mickey clone #673? I thought they were all dead by this point.)

All the cheaters have unique ways of getting ahead. A cervine has sails strung from his antlers, one birds rides a bike (pretty sure that would be a major handicap underwater,) and an ostrich’s long legs allow it to run, rather than swim. That’s the worst kind of cheating. In fact, I’d say the only other contestant trying to be honest and likable is celebrity guest Eddie Cantor. He willingly drops out upon his discovery of, at last, a buoy! (He pronounces it the British way to make the joke work.)

Pinkie’s been hiding in that buoy, and he’s got a real trick this time. One that could affect everybody in the race, but his only target is Porky. He loves his uncle almost as much as me. Clearly. It’s a simple enough prank. He’s going to wind up a toy sailboat, and claim that its a shark. The sails do sorta look like a dorsal fin, and once it submerges you can’t tell the difference. Pinkie’s warnings don’t fall on deaf ears, and Porky swims like he’s never swam before. He’s a regular sea pig! He wins the race, no problem, and Pinkie swims right along after, cackling with delight. When he tries to show off his awesome prank, he pulls out an actual shark. (How couldn’t he tell? How much silt is in that sea?)

Favorite Part: One of the contestants is a goose. Another is some goslings doing some competitive rowing. The goose evens its chances by eating the babies. Now they row for thee.

Personal Rating: I think it deserves a 3, but if you can’t stand Pinkie, you’ll probably demand it stay a 2. And that’s okay, but I can’t understand your reasoning.

Posted on

The Crackpot Quail

“Good morning, neighbor!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Robert McKimson; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on February 15, 1941. (Can anyone tell me why searching for this cartoon brings up “The Haunted Mouse” as the first result? I admit it would be quite useful if I really meant to search for that one but typed in this one because I’m drunk on poster paint.)

Willoughby is inspired! It was that fateful billboard for Barko dog food that did it. That proud picture of a perfectly poised pointer will persuade any pooch to pick up pointing as a pastime. (Good thing, as the food sucks.) Willoughy is go going to track a quail. It’s not oddly specific because the title promised us one. I see it as a waste of time though. On the list of birds I’ve eaten, quail ranked at the bottom. Granted, the list is only five birds long, but it’s six if we can count turducken as a species.

He takes off and almost instantly crashes into a tree. Caught unawares, the camera keeps panning without him for three seconds. When hound and camera are reunited, a sound is heard! It’s a whistle if ever I’ve heard one. And not just any whistle; the whistle of a Odoltophoridae averyius, or the crackpot quail, to you. The males of this species have the topknot you’d expect a quail to have, but they don’t improve their status with the ladies much. In fact, the birds see them as a prime source of irritation, mainly because the feathers aren’t rigid, and droop into their faces. The whistling call they make is from their fruitless efforts in trying to blow it away.

Willoughby asks this little bird is he heard a sound that sounded like a whistle, but looks like a raspberry. You think there’s chicanery afoot? You’re very astute. Censorship aired its head in a unique fashion, that really insults everybody’s intelligence. For you see, the bird originally made raspberry-esque noises to keep the topknot up top. Observe.

The problem? I really don’t know. I mean, it doesn’t sound like flatulence to me. Maybe if you were horribly constipated, and had marshmallows crammed up your colon. I get more of a broken kazoo vibe. Maybe it’s because Willoughby’s sounds so much more proper? But if we changed that one, we’d have to edit them all? Personally, I think it should have been left alone. You want a rude noise? A phlegm snort will satisfy that disturbing craving.

The quail is Cracky! Naming characters is why anyone comes here. There is someone on this planet who saw this short in theaters and wished someone would christen the quail. I’m here for you. He’s kind of a Bugs wannabe, what with being another woodland creature and calling the dog “doc”. He’s just not very screwy if I’m being honest. He doesn’t have a wacky laugh, or manic tendencies, or anything that suggests he’d bother you if you didn’t bother him first. Shouting that he is a quail in the dog’s ear after he accused him of such is the craziest he goes. It’s a good thing there’s good jokes here. And hey, why not a quail? Quail is fun to say!

And when Willoughby tries to give chase, he crashes into “Another tree.” What’s an Avery flick without a running gag? “Page Miss Glory!” (Feet discoloration.) The tracking leads into a pond where the bird is found swimming amongst the fish. He makes good gag use of his plume, using it as both a periscope and a windshield wiper upon exiting the water. (Why does Tex like having his dog chase prey underwater? Is he confusing him with a freshwater dogfish again?)

When Cracky looks to be in an inescapable situation, he gets rid of Willoughby by starting a game of fetch. I love that dog’s run cycle. Notice how his hing legs stretch over his head with every bound? I could watch a two hour loop of that. When he realizes he’s been had, he makes his maddest, most furious dash yet. Cracky makes a sharp turn, and the longest skid in animation history takes place. (Go ahead and disprove me if you can. I won’t be too upset.) We don’t really see the skid in action, but we do see all the damage it caused. Ending up with a pile of “lots of trees.”

Favorite Part: Willoughby’s angry barks are funny enough, what with being gruff readings of ‘ruff’ but it gets even better when he asides to us “That means that I’m getting pretty sore.”

Personal Rating: 3. Maybe if Cracky had a more developed personality he could have been remembered as one of the great one shots.

Posted on

Plenty of Money and You

“It’s the bane of digestion, but that’s not the question…”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Cal Dalton and Phil Monroe; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 31, 1937.

Ah, my advice was taken to heart! These pictures will be merrily rolling along until the studio has to close. I’d wager that we have maybe 27 years until then. I’m very good at predicting events that predate me.

On your everyday poultry farm, (which, incidentally isn’t really yours.) you can expect to find the galliformes and anseriformes that always end up on your plate either before or after utero. Er, ovaro. One hen’s eggs are just hatching into adorable chicks. There’s yellow ones, and a brown one, a yellow and brown one, a yellow and gray one, and a black and white and gray one. Must be a first clutch, given how shocked she is to see new life emerge from rocks that exited her cloaca. Maybe she’s just shocked to find they were fertile after all? A rooster with a condom just can’t be trusted. And then the last egg hatches.

Add a tall one to the list. A stupidly tall one, even. Heck, an ostrich one! That’s an ostrich, that is. An stupidly tall one at that. Biggest extant bird or not, those hens should still be taller if he’s just hatched. It’s a bit of a shock, but we’re not going to do the whole “ugly duckling” story here. Just standard, stereotypical, animated ostrich fare. I.E., eating whatever he comes across. He spots a fish in the opposite yard, behind a fence. He tries for that. I… I never expected an animated ostrich to try and eat something actually edible. Too bad the hole he’s sticking his neck through is too thin for the fish to pass through to the crop. It gets away, and I’m a little sad.

He has better luck eating an auto jack that he finds after tumbling into the farm’s basement. I’d like to know who is owning these fowl and whether he or she knows what is running around. Anyway, now the little guy is trying for something that makes actual sense for him to eat: a worm. A worm that I swear fluctuates in size, but never mind that. It can sprout limbs! I don’t blame it for fleeing. Yeah, something’s trying to eat it, but that thing also has permanent bedroom eyes. I don’t like that. Chicks were never meant to have those!

The worm escapes, and the chick gets distracted by a living hose that has nothing else to do but squirt him in the eyes. He tries to eat this, and manages to get a good length swallowed before it turns itself on and gives him a reverse enema. He hides his head under the ground. And I’m not upset about it. You see, he just hatched today, so he’s uneducated but what’s more, he’s escaping something scary that was squirting his eyes. It makes sense to try hiding those in the nearest place you can. The downside of sticking your head in strange holes, is you never know if something is already living there. Like a giant weasel, per se?

This guy has my sympathy. I too long for a chance to try ostrich meat without actually having to travel. It’d be one of those once in human history miracles, like finding a significant other online, liking black licorice, or having Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse in the same movie. This is going to be dream feast. Oh, but what’s death without a last meal? The chick thinks those fireworks will do just as well. And since he’s now been stuffed, he’s ready for the oven. I forget, do fireworks ignite just with the heating of the area, or would gizzard juices render them useless?

Never mind. The cartoon just answered my question. Bringing a new literal meaning to projectile vomiting, the weasel’s dinner has become very volatile indeed. Never thought I’d see fireworks coming out of the ground, but I also never thought I was any good at writing. The weasel doesn’t die, but he’s lost his appetite. He angrily gives the mother back what’s hers. Look at that adorable hug! She’ll know how to soothe his angry tummy; mothers have these magical healing gifts.

Favorite Part: The weasel’s cookbook. It’s entry on ‘ostrich a la king’ equates to giving up and getting some Chinese. And check out it’s pelican recipe. Judging by the ingredients, it’s “road” island style.

Personal Rating: 2

Posted on

A Kiddie’s Kitty

“How did you get your face all bwue?”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Warren Foster; Animation by Arthur Davis, Gerry Chiniquy and Ted Bonnicksen; Layouts by Hawley Pratt; Backgrounds by Irv Wyner; Music by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on August 20, 1955.

Do you like animal abuse? That’s great if you do, because I love animal abuser abuse. You’ll enjoy today’s picture, and I’ll enjoy cutting your toes off. One. By. One.

I’m joking. The cartoon doesn’t go too far in the bad taste department. I’m sure there are some overly sensitive types who won’t find anything here funny. I’m just here to supply a summary and a grade. With new visitors weekly, it’s always good of me review how things work around here.

Suzanne is a little girl who likes to have fun. Hard fun. The kind that makes you a villain in the “Toy Story” franchise. She requests an actual cat because, as she puts it, “Their heads down’t come off!” That means she once tried it. Her mom denies her. If the kid can’t take care of her toys, why should she be trusting with a living, breathing, capable of bleeding, animal? (That and her overalls change color.) Enter Sylvester. He’s on the run from a bulldog and has taken refuge in Suzanne’s yard. She declares him her new pet, and it’s either that or the dog. Sylvester opts for option A.

Now, a good rule of thumb for adopting any animal off the street is to start things off by bathing them. Young as she it, Suzanne doesn’t know that a washing machine is for clothes and clothes alone. Good thing this is a cartoon and therefore already devoid of oxygen. It’s rough, but Sylvester is clean now. Time for some food. The two creep to the kitchen, but Mrs. Suzannesmomerson is on the alert. And immediately guesses that her daughter brought a cat in the house. She really has no reason to suspect this. Unless Sylvester isn’t a first attempt…

Suzanne hides him in the fridge until the heat is off. Okay. That was a cheap shot. She tries to warm him up via electric blanket, but sets it too high. I’ve heard of hot dogs, but not cats. Okay. That was an awful shot. Kitchen is off limits, so Suzanne has got to improvise. Luckily she’s a kid! They have imagination that can make anything edible! What we call ‘mud’, she calls “liver and sardines”. And it’s like the old party question goes: would you rather eat mud or be eaten by a dog? The former isn’t too good on your teeth, or entire digestive tract really unless you’re an earthworm. Long term or short term; which is the right death for you?

Suzanne is fairly cute, but she does have a heavy lidded expression that suggests ample television viewing. But c’mon, it’s ‘Captain Electronic! in outer space’! All the kids are watching it, and it has generational appeal. It’s the 50’s “Bluey”! And it molds impressionable minds. Suzanne has an idea that loses audience sympathy. Before, her actions were adorably naive. Now she’s trying to launch a cat into space with an empty fishbowl on his head. At least she put the fish in a bucket. Hey wait! You have a pet already? What, a beautiful, elegant, charming goldfish isn’t good enough for you? Her firecracker doesn’t launch the cat, but it does end up in his “helmet”.

The badly battered putty is finally noticed by the Mrs. Despite what you’re thinking, she actually DOES concede to her daughter’s wishes. Maybe she just feels sorry for the cat? Seems like he’s been through a lot. He’ll need a bath to start things off. Maybe some food. Sylvester is through. Having had enough, he goes back to the dog. At least with him he has a fighting chance. As for Suzanne, this was her only film. But she did manage to appear in Looney Tunes Comics on the occasion. There, she looked even more like Dolly Keane, despite predating her. And her usual nemesis? Ralph Phillips!

Favorite Part: Suzanne lowers suspicion about the saucer of milk she’s poured by pretending to be a cat herself. It’s a believable thing for a child to do, and I figure most parents would think its rather cute. Her mom tells her to cut the crap. (Witch.)

Personal Rating: Depends on if you think Suzanne goes too far. 2 if yes, 5 if not.

Kidding. I just didn’t want you to correctly guess that it couldn’t do better than a 3.