Author: Dr. Foolio

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Swooner Crooner

“G-G-Gee Wiz! That’s swell fellas!”

Its the middle of WWII. Doing his part, Porky has all the hens who work at Flockheed Factory laying eggs for soldiers. They get in nests and powerhouse their way through the place, before laying an egg in a private area. (And don’t worry if you can’t lay any, Porky will force you to)

Work will be the last thing on the hen’s minds when a Sinatra Rooster is outside. They leave to swoon and reenact scenes that also appear in the animated part of “Two guys form Texas.” Porky needs those chickens back, but they’ve been seduced so much that only a crooner of equal or better value could lure them back.

Porky holds auditions and rejects the poultry versions of Nelson Eddy, Al Jolson, Jimmy Durante, and Cab Calloway. He finds his man (er bird) in the form of a one Bing Crosby rooster. His singing has the hens “flocking” to him and subsequently laying eggs again. Frankie can’t have that and a battle of the singers ensues. Much later Porky is admiring the mountains of eggs he now has. He wants to know their secret. They start singing and (in a scene I could see as the ending to a “Twilight Zone” episode) Porky begins to lay eggs too.

Personal Rating: 4

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Goofy Groceries

“Gosh, ain’t I repulsive?”

It is winter. (In the short. As I type this, it’s fall.) In the grocery store, the logos of various products come to life. (What a clever idea! Someone should NEVER make a movie based on this concept.)The cow on the contented milk can sings to a case of ‘fullabull’ tobacco. A crab hates the singing, (He has a turtle shell. Why does he have a turtle shell?) and a chicken pie clucks.

A dog gets off of some ‘barker’ dog food to become a barker himself. He tells of a dance provided  by a stick of wiggly gum, and we see a pool of water from a case of ‘u know’ biscuits that some sardines do a water ballet in. (If they didn’t come out of a labeled can, I’d have no idea what they were supposed to be.) Our festivities continue with a tomato soup cancan line. Meanwhile, up on the top shelf, a gorilla breaks out of a box of animal crackers. As we all know, gorillas will attempt to nab any female that is even remotely attractive to them. There are plenty of dames to choose from and he comes down to look.

Seeing the danger, Jack Bunny rides a bottle of horse-radish to confront the ape. He is joined by navy beans, turtle soup tanks, and ginger bread men who use tissues as parachutes. The ape fights back with fireworks. He soon has Bunny cornered. Superguy (of the soap-chips) tries to stop him but is petrified with fear. Can anything stop him? His mother’s call can. Spoofing “The Aldritch Family” he runs home to her. Bunny is so relieved that the ape is gone that he doesn’t realize he still has a lit firecracker until its too late. BOOM!

Personal Rating: 3

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Thugs with Dirty Mugs

“I’ll get the killer yet! I’ll send him up!… The rat!”

It’s a cartoon spoof of “Angels with Dirty Faces” and the character Killer Diller is played by Ed. G. Robemsome. He robs the first national bank. Then the second one. Then the third one. This goes on until 13. Seems the killer is superstitious. But that doesn’t stop him, as he goes on to rob 87 banks in one day. The secret agent fails to inform the chief of police of what he’s learned while Killer makes his way up to robbing the 112th national bank.

He goes to the worst national bank (although, I swear he already went there earlier) which contains 225 million assets. The gang goes in and comes out leaving only 2. Killer goes back to get what he missed and fixes the sign for them. That was nice. He is so intimidating that he can rob the operator over the telephone. Back at the hideout he tells his boys that they are next going to rob Mrs. Lotta Jewels house. A man in the audience tries to leave, but Killer makes him sit. Can’t risk him telling the cops.

The police chief meanwhile figures that if he knew where Killer would strike next, he could catch him. The same audience member tips him off, and the popo surprise the gang at the mansion. Killer is sent to jail for his long sentence. Well, it’s not very long (it’s only “I’ve been a naughty boy”) but he’ll be writing it for years to come.

Personal Rating: 4

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Speaking of the Weather

“Is everybody happy?”

Around midnight, the magazines in a shop come to life. The radio star plays music before “Radioland” takes over. A beaver from “Outdoor Life” slaps a bass, and “The Dance” starts having a good time. Two boxers dance in “The Ring” and “Child’s Life” applauds. Hugh Herbert enjoys himself too. (Behind him, is a note stating that he was in Coo-Coo Nut Grove. Nice continuity.) Leopold Stickoutski conducts the storm and our title song begins, being joined by some singing tongue sandwiches and lobster/oyster castanets.

Gang magazine robs “Wall Street” but soon confesses to “Confessions”. He is sentenced to Life magazine. He goes to the other magazine nearby (Liberty) and breaks free. Walter Snicthall (Twitchell) alerts everyone, and now everyone is on the alert. The Thin Man and his Dog(world) find him hiding in “Better Babies” and he runs. He is lassoed by “Western Story”, trips over Greta Garbo’s feet and lands in “Twenty thousand years in Sing-Sing”. Hugh laughs at this and the crook drops a globe on him. He then laughs in the same manner Hugh did.

Personal Rating: 2

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The Film Fan

“A L-loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and come home right away.”

It’s the grand opening of a theater! Their feature film is the broken leg. (It has a large cast. *Rimshot*) To celebrate this occasion, kids are admitted free! (To add to the greatness, the theater advertises Looney Tunes and “The Ahs of a Wizard” That’s a good contender for the best pun I’ve ever heard.)

Porky is a child in this short, and he is on an errand for his mother. He can’t control himself when he learns of the free admission, and rushes in. A newsreel tells us that short tempered doctors tend to lose patients, and we see a powerful microscope, (courtesy of Prof. Widebottom) which shows bacteria happily playing in the bloodstream. Porky, meanwhile can’t see the screen where he is and rushes up to the front, where the view is stretched out.

A feature starring the masked marvel shows the titular hero and his horse splitting up to take different paths. A duck in the audience shoots his gum at the horse, much to the equines annoyance. The theater gets a phone call, and an employee announces that a little boy who was sent on an errand run is wanted at home by his mother. Upon hearing this, the whole audience leaves.

Personal Rating: 3

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She was an Acrobat’s Daughter

“Why Daddy? Why did the man look at her like that, Daddy? Why Daddy? Did he like her Daddy? Did he like the lady?”

At the theater there are 15 acts. The audience keeps switching seats as soon as one is available and things start with a newsreel. Dole Promise tells us that the U.S. has built an ocean liner so long it barely has to move to reach across the Atlantic. The audience meanwhile, is annoyed by that one theater-goer who moves through the aisles and is fat. In this case he is an actual hippo.

Next the news tells us of a town, whose inhabitants all act like dogs. The hippo comes back just in time for the shorts namesake singalong! After the song, the feature presentation plays. (After the MGM lion crows like a rooster.) It is “The Petrified Florist”. During the show, a Donkey tries to sell some munchies to the patrons and is thrown out. The main character of the onscreen film tries to regale some poetry to a waitress but muddles it up.

Another typical theater goer we all know, (the kid who won’t shut up) is a duckling constantly asking his father numerous questions. The other patrons growl at him, and hit his father who tries to defend him. The youngster runs from his angry smacking father and comes across the projection room. He begins to play with the machine, speeding the film up and reversing it. He panics and tries to fix his mistake only to get pulled into the machine and tangled in the film.

Personal Rating: 3

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The Woods are full of Cuckoos

“Are you stirring?”

This short opens with Alexander Owlcott (Alcott) playing an announcer. We see our old friend Ben Birdie fighting with Walter Finchell (Winchell.) Milton Squirrel (Berle) introduces us to Wendell Howl (Hall) who tries to tell the audience which book page has the song they’re singing. He gives up and tells them to do the same, and they throw their books at him.

Billy Goat (Jones) and Ernie Bear (Hare) lead us in our featured song. Many others join in including: Eddie Gander (Cantor) W.C. Fieldmouse (Fields), Fats Swallow (Walker) Bing Crowsby (Crosby) and Al Goatson (Jolson). Grace Moose (Moore) and Lily Swans (Pons) each try to out do each other singing higher and higher notes. We also see some of our favorite radio stars like Joe Penguin, (Penner) Moutha Bray, (Martha Raye) and Tizzie Fish (Lish) who shows us how to make a ripple and get plenty of iron in our diets. After a quick skit which involves Jack Bunny, (Benny. Okay, that one was obvious.) Owlcott sends us on our way.

Personal Rating: Ditto with its precursor. 3 for the fans, 2 for the rest.

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Porky’s Road Race

“On your mark… Get set… SCRAM!”

First of all, I must mention that this short is purely coincidental. If you see anyone who resembles a famous actor, disregard it. It is pure luck. However, I will still call them by the names of who they remind me of. Now then:

It’s time for a big race and the winner gets a cool $1,000,000! (Tax deductibles aside leaves one with a cool $1.63!) Porky is hard at work fine tuning his vehicle. It’s a humble car. The competition includes: Laurel and Hardy riding on a seesaw that is pumping a tire, Charlie Chaplin who accidentally hurts W.C. Fields’ nose, Enda May Olliver, who Fields helps fine tune hiccuping vehicle, Greta Garbo, happily working alone on her car, and Charles Laughton, who has a literal motor boat.

In a locked up area, we see a character known as Borax Karloff. He has a huge car, that is sure to be full of tricks. The race is about to start, and Porky is the clear favorite. (Remember him? His name IS in the title.) It begins and most of the other racers fall victim to Karloff’s tricks. Laughton successfully dodges most of the traps, but can’t avoid the torpedo sent his way. Karloff disables the majority with a squirt of glue, but not Porky. The glue sticks to his wheels ,and bricks stick to them, making some nice treads.

Karloff tries grease, but that just causes the treads to pop off and hit him in the head. After exiting a tunnel our two last competitors have switched cars. Karloff is in the lead and raises a drawbridge to keep Porky from completing the race. Porky uses the bridge as a ramp and launches to the finish line first. The judges award him a crown, but Olliver (whose car is reduced to nearly nothing) drives by stealing the crown for herself. Enjoy your brief victory, kid. I’ll be returning that prize to the REAL champion now, thank you.

Personal Rating: 3

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The Coocoo nut Grove

“My, oh my. Just look at all the Celeb-reties.”

In the middle of a jungle is a trendy nightclub called the Coocoonut grove. Ben Birdie (Bernie) is our host, and he’s not the only one here. W.C. Fields the pig is there with Katherine Heartburn (Hepburn) the horse. Tarzan is there in a tree, and a lady is chased by Harpo as a… Bird? I think. He’s got a beak…

The music starts up and everyone dances. Laurel and Hardy (as a monkey and pig, respectively) share a coconut. Laurel must have drank a little too hard, as he sucks out all of Hardy’s body fat. Edna May Olliver does a dance to Clark Gable’s delight and the Dionne quintuplets perform. Tarzan is frighted by a mouse and Harpo finally catches the woman only to find it’s Groucho in drag. (That gag will never get old.) Helen Morgan sings, but her singing is so sad that even Edward G. Robbinson and George Raft cry. The combined tears of the singer and audience create a sea of tears, (eat your heart out Alice) which carries them all away.

Personal Rating: Depends on how acquainted you are with the parodies. If you know who is being spoofed, then 3. Otherwise, 2.

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Hollywood Capers

“Beans is the name! One of the Boston Beans!”

We open in Hollywood. (Did that guy who ran in front of the car just disappear?) Beans wants to get in to the W.B. lot. Much like the later “You ought to be in Pictures” the guard won’t let him in, despite the cat’s awesome resume. This doesn’t deter Beans, as he uses a Olliver Hardy disguise to get in. (Unlike Porky’s disguise, Bean’s actually works.) He goes in and sees director Oliver Owl directing a film starring Kitty. Beans enjoys his time until he accidentally disrupts the film. Oliver throws him out.

Beans accidentally activates a robot Frankenstein’s monster. It eats the camera, chases Kitty, and gets hit by his own reflection. Beans tries to stop it by wrapping it up in a pipe. The monster is so strong that it doesn’t slow him down. Beans finally destroys the menace by pushing a fan into him and shredding him to bits.

Personal Rating: 2