The Merry old Soul

“Daddy!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Rollin Hamilton and Riley Thompson; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on August 17, 1935.

For many of us, life equates to misery. And being social creatures, misery is subtracted by keeping company. Therefore, the only way you’ll ever be happy in life is to get married. (Note: this is not exact science. Many people are even more depressed after tying the knot. I actually know nothing about happiness, joy or cheer.)

Even someone as merry as King Cole is just faking it most of the time. Pipes and bowls do nothing for his mood. Even his fiddlers would rather stick just with themselves. That’s why they got a bow that can play all three of their fiddles at once. Now, they never have to part. Good thing he’s a king! Ladies love powerful types. Even better, his kingdom is full of wonderful bachelorettes. The winner of the regal roulette is none other than the woman formerly known as the little old lady who lived in a shoe. Now she’s going by Mrs. Cole.

Everyone is happy for the couple. Humpty, Spoon, and Dish are so glad that their lips almost slip off their faces. Talk about mouthing off. Others were so gleeful that they cloned themselves so the background could repeat if necessary. It’s close enough that I don’t think casual viewers will notice. And Puss in Boots shouldn’t be here. He’s a fairy tale character! No, they are not the same thing as nursery rhymes. Either choose one, or you’ll have to say they live in a world of nursery tales. And no one wants that.

With the ceremony over at long last, now Cole can get to know his wife. He clearly never read her life story like the rest of us, since he’s surprised to find that now HE has so many children; he doesn’t know what to do. Who would have thought that getting married meant you’d have to share responsibilities? Actually, why would he think that? Being a king means he has servants to do things like that. And why aren’t they living in his castle? Is a shoe that much of an upgrade? It’s not even real leather.

And so, Cole is now worse off then he’s ever been. Even his three-way fiddlers gleefully sing about how lousy his life is. I won’t lie, it got a smile out of me. And I’m the morose one! His main duties are caring for the youngest ones. Mrs. Cole is no longer in the picture, so you can assume she married him to have a babysitting cuckold, and I’ll assume that she’s busy caring for the older ones. I like to imagine that all marriages work out, and the two involved never stop enjoying each other’s company.

Caring for these babies means giving them a good bath. Scrub them down, then let them rinse off in a lazy river. It looks soothing to me. Well, not that automatic ear cleaner. That’s a good way to spread infections. Next, drying and powdering. Sometimes the kids have hair, sometimes they don’t. They must’ve gotten it from their biological father. Now, which nursery tale character could he have been? Can I make him up?

Jeremiah Dread, sucked his hair into his head, which then gave a little tickle to his brain. Filled with mirthful glee, he then rolled into the sea, and we never, ever, spoke of him again.

Answers all my questions.

The next step seems pointless: Cole uses balloons to float the infants over to the next conveyor belt. What’s the point of that? Just giving them a little knees breeze before their loins are once more imprisoned in their diapers? Then you slip them into pajamas and they’re ready for bed. They like to have a lullaby while they’re rocked, and don’t dare try to sneak off before the rem cycle. They’ll scream. When they finally snooze, Cole decides to take a breather himself. But two tykes aren’t unconscious…

It’s Nip and Tuck. They’re the naughty ones. They start the rocker up full blast, which not only shakes their siblings awake, but flings them onto Cole. He joins them in their bawling. The end.

That was a depressing ending. But it’s relatable, right folks? I guess we’ve all learned that true happiness can only be achieved by childless couples. With a dog.

Favorite Part: I have a strange sense of humor. I thought it was funny that three of their children aren’t Winken, Blinken, and Nod. Rather four of their children are Winken, Blinken, AND, and Nod. It’s abstractly cruel.

Personal Rating: 1. Putting aside the unpleasant finale, it’s mostly nothing but a baby factory picture. We’ve seen that before, but better, and later, but fantastic.

Dangerous Dan McFoo

“What a pretty GIRL, WOW!”

Supervision by Fred Avery; Story by Rich Hogan; Animation by Paul Smith; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on July 15, 1939.

When done right, parodies are tons of fun! Such is the case with this picture. You don’t even have to know what’s being parodied to enjoy your self. So… does that actually make it a failure as a parody? I don’t mean to besmirch you, Tex! It’s just a talent I have.

Now, the Malibu Saloon may seem silent, but that’s an untrue fact.  If you don’t blink then you will catch the patrons’ whooping act. I wouldn’t doubt that any of them are hounds of hell, since everyone is an anthropomorphic canine. Our titular character is a gambling Dan who’s playing a game of pachinko. His voice is what we in the biz like to call comedy gold that you should really create a character for. I say we take that Egghead character who just barely had his last appearance, and develop him into a new vessel for these golden pipes. It’ll get gweat wesults!

Then, out of the night, and out of the cold, and into our humble saloon, there stumbled a dirty dog type guy, who really makes this ‘toon. Oh, man. I don’t know who this guy is, or what brought him here or how he takes his coffee, but I’m instantly in love with him. You shouldn’t inherently think Tourette syndrome is funny, but you don’t have much of a choice here. It’s like Dan Backslide as a furry, and how could you say no to that? Since we have a one Dan limit in here, I’m calling him Don Barkslide.

Even if we don’t know his tale, we know what he’s here to do. He’s got his eyes fixated on Dan’s lady, known as Sue. The spitting image of Bette Davis! You don’t see it? Just squint a little… there you go! But he’ll have to settle for being friends at best because she’s loyal to Dan. Don isn’t impressed with the twerp, even when with his feebly hilarious roars. This calls for a referee! He tells the two to settle this like…men,(?) with a little boxing. When you work with THE Tex Avery, you realize that no gag is too outlandish if it works for the scene. Thus, a street car that constantly pokes in to act as the bell.

With the crowning cry of a ringside bell, the match begins in earnest, and the combatants go to town in a frightful, whirling dervish. Dan may not look like it at fifth glance, but he’s a pretty even match for Don. None of them seem to take any lasting harm by the time round one is over. (Dan McFoo for “Punch Out!!”) After a refreshing shave, Don is ready to win. (I know what I typed.) He ain’t kidding around no more. He’s quick to turn Dan into a literal punching bag. Dan, in turn, proves he’s the bigger…man(?) by calling him out for cheating. That’s not just horseshoes in that glove, that’s a horse.

Their anger is near to bursting, just like a pent-up flood, let’s continue with the fight and see if they draw blood. Round 3 is typically where the best action happens, and we are fortunate enough to have a cartoon willing to pause itself to let us see the best bits. But they’re still evenly matched, and worse yet, innocent bartenders are getting caught in the crossfire. The narrator decides to get involved and gives the combatants some pistols. Finally, a guarantee that at least one of them will die.

The lights arbitrarily go out, we get a “scream” from Sue, when lit once more one… man(?) is down, it’s dangerous Dan McFoo. Sue begs and pleads for him to say one thing to her; prove that he’s all right. I think his simple “hewwo” suffices. (Me personally, I’d be begging for Don to speak again. He didn’t get nearly enough lines.)

Favorite Part: Don all the way. Louder doesn’t inherently mean funnier. Unless you’re Mel Blanc.

Personal Rating: 3 that I probably should call a 4. Actually, yeah. I’ll change it to a 4. But most of that was earned by Don.

Flowers for Madame

For this is the day of the flower parade.♫”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Paul Smith and Don Williams; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on November 20, 1935.

Free at last! Free at last! Our long Cinecolor nightmare is finally over! Mr. Disney’s exclusivity contract with the 3 strip process has expired at long last, so now the studios too cowardly to take a chance with it can finally experience the entire spectrum of the rainbow! It makes perfect sense to make the picture about something that has no shortage of colors! Like octopuses, LSD freakouts, or flowers!

Zoology nut I may be, I gotta vote for the last one there because I ADORE gardens! Beautiful, soothing, perfumed and serene, a place to escape when the world is too mean. In other words, it won’t help in winter. But we’re in summer, bee-itchers! And if you’re living in the southern hemisphere, then I don’t blame you for getting upset over that comment. Winter makes everyone miserable. Contradict me and I’ll doubt you.

Flowers are already living “creatures”, but in cartoons, they dance. But only the ones who are awake. The sleeping ones get their heads ripped off and converted into tutus for the early risers. It’s barbaric, but it’s less screwed up compared to the real world stuff! Did you know that flowers are brightly colored so they will attract insects that will help spread their pollen? And it gets all over them too, and the insects eat some of it too, and we’re sitting in our gardens, watching it all, thinking about how appropriate it is for all ages!

Okay, I’m done with that tangent. The garden is hosting a little pageant for all the plants. Announced by snails… Isn’t that like crocodiles hosting a fashion show in the river? “Just strut over the ‘runway’. We’ll let you know if you’re a loser.” The prize isn’t specified, but if it’s not your freedom, then it’s either a motel room with the bees, or dinner theater with the gastropods. Good thing flowers don’t have brains!

Some floats are thrown together, but most of them aren’t featuring any anthro flowers. Unless weeds count as flowers. And if you count thistles as weeds. I’m a “Viva Pinata” fan, so I do. One of the spectators is a cactus who gets an idea. And a name: Stickers! The idea is to enter the pageant him/herself. (I’ll just guess it’s the first one.) All he needs is that windup toy, and some seeds. A packet of seeds. This world is making me uncomfortable! This means there are humans around, so how do the plants feel about this? Are we just gods that they don’t try to comprehend? Feels powerful.

They’re fast growing, non-anthro seeds that grow around the toy, making a humble if not pretty float. Short-lived, too. It breaks, and Stickers is now the official butt of the joke. It hurts, but I bet he does too. Now, about those gods that they can’t understand. They were careless enough to leave a match under a magnifying glass, and the sun uses the two to make its own offspring: fire. And lots of it. Somewhat led by the one flame who has a face. If the lessons I’ve learned from Pokemon are correct, those plants are in danger.

The lessons are true! This must also mean that poison can be used to kill fairies! The plants make like their leafy cousins, and break. (Look, the pansy is such a pansy that their face lost its highlights.) I know that we’re supposed to see the flame as a villain, but it’s kinda cute. Cuter than the one on “Animaniacs”, anyhow. It’s hard to want to see him lose, since it can only lose if it’s dead. But hey, this gives Stickers a chance to redeem himself! Just gotta douse those flames, and all will be well! If a bear can do it, why not a succulent?

The sprinkler helps a bit. It keeps the big flames at bay, but the little cute one can slip by and turn off the troublesome torrent. Well, compost! If only we had a plant that was full of water already! You know, round and green and living right here in the garden already? Wait a minute! Stickers! That’s it! He could poke holes in the watermelons! They’re nothing more than plant uterus’s, so it’s not like any sacrifices will have to be made. The garden is saved and refreshed and the cute flame gets doused by a grasshopper’s tobacco juice. If anyone is killing those plants, it’ll be him.

Favorite Part: The judges are (and since I know nothing about botany this is just a guess) lilies, and this means that they look like they are already sitting in a judge’s booth. That’s creativity.

Personal Rating: 2. Personally, I prefer “The Cookie Carnival”. More song, creativity, casual racism, cute romance, and looks good enough to eat.

Into your Dance

“It’s only the beginning, folks!”

Supervision by Isadore Freleng; Animation by Cal Dalton and Ben Clopton; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on June 8, 1935.

Oh happy day! The riverboat’s a coming to town! You’re not going to want to miss this! It’s one of those showboat riverboats that promises music, singing, and an opportunity to pelt performers with produce. Captain Benny introduces us to our conductor for the evening, the world’s most popular orchestra leader. Which by my definition means Porky P- HOLY CRAP! It IS Porky! Same design and everything! Except, it can’t be. This short isn’t listed as part of Porky’s filmography, and no audience would dare pelt him with tomatoes lest I slice all their middle toes off and replace them with their thumbs. (I’ll throw the toes away.)

Well, I’ll still file this short in my Porky file, just in case anybody else thinks the Paul Whiteman pig is who I wish he was. He starts up the band, but there’s somebody constantly screwing up. Look, I’m sorry, but you just can’t have that in music. Otherwise it’s just cacophony. I give my complete support in Mr. Pig malleting you.  But the screw-up refuses to own up to his own shortcomings, and decides to stick that curly tail in an electrical socket. (At least, I think this is the same guy.) This really accelerates the performance, and the spastic conducting makes the “William Tell Overture” twice as fast. Boo! I like that piece? Where am I supposed to hear it now? “The Band Concert?” Okay!

Music’s done. Now for the singing I promised you. It’s amateur night, so we get an excuse to be honest. First off, Miss Cud doing opera. Hm. Uh-huh. Yep. Gong her. We won’t miss much. The performer remover hook yanks her right out of her clothes. (Does the Hayes code know about this?) Next, Beans’s effeminate father recites poetry. This also kinda sucks really bad, so lets get rid of him too. I mean, sure, he was better than that cow, but I’d hate to give him first prize when I’m sure there’s something better coming along. (If you think you’ve seen the crowd before, you have if you’ve read my posts chronologically.)

The next contestant may look a bit dumb, but he is smart enough to rig things in his favor. He sends Benny off to do… something, then hides the gong in his pants. Can’t eject what can’t technically fail. But, yeesh, I thought Doughtery only ever played Porky. Not so, and the crowd isn’t too pleased either. I think, anyway. Their jeers kinda sound like laughter half the time. But it must be hate, because once the guy finishes the title song, he sees the entire audience had a walk-out. Furious, Benny chases the cheater with a nail ‘n board into the hills. Every time he lands a hit, the gong reminds the world that cheaters are natural losers.

Favorite Part: Though poetry he may try, it turns out Beans’s pop is a fighter at heart. When he is gonged, he takes up a fighting stance. Good thing Benny was prepared with a horseshoe filled boxing glove!

Personal Rating: 2

Weasel Stop

“Help! Mountain lion! Bobcat! Coyote!”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Ted Pierce; Animation by Keith Darling, Ted Bonnicksen, and Russ Dyson; Layouts and Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Music by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on February 11, 1956.

Quiet days are boring. They are in desperate need of a weasel to liven things up. I’m fresh out of weasels at the moment. Would a stoat do? Fine, fine. Don’t give me that eye roll look. McKimson’s crew are on the ball with their weasel character that my “Looney Tunes 300-piece Fantasy puzzle identifies as “Willy”. Not the worst name, but kinda makes him sound like a mascot for a pizzeria. He shouldn’t be anything to worry about because the local chicken farm has a barnyard dog on duty. The only problem? That’s not Barnyard Dawg.

What the crap? What happened? Where’s my beloved basset? Who does this poser think he is? Granted, there’s nothing wrong with giving the formula a little variety, but Barnyard Dawg is an established character by this point! You think audiences would have liked Chuck’s boys making another rabbit/duck season picture without Elmer? Even if it was good, it’d always be remembered as the freak short of the quadrillogy. I just want to know if there’s a reason, since Farmyard Doug never came back.

Well, dogs is dogs, and roosters are their natural pranksters. Doesn’t help that Foghorn is a little irritated to find the guy supposed to be protecting them from certain death is sawing logs. Whittling, that is. Doug loves his whittling. Foghorn blows the weasel alarm in his face, then sends him on a wild goose chase. Weasel chase, that is. Doug crashes into a fence that Foghorn painted a hole on, and the bird claims the whole thing to have been naught but a nightmare. Sure hope it was worth crying wolf. Weasel, that is. (I’m stopping now. I promise.)

And Willy tries to carry Foggy away. Despite the screaming, Doug can’t be bothered to get up. Maybe he doesn’t believe its really happening, maybe he’s glad it is. Foghorn manages to get free when he is dragged into a low-hanging branch. Now aware of what happened, he’s not worried. Despite Willy still trying to gnaw on him. Foghorn points out the little guy is after a good eating chicken, and that’s all the permission Willy needs. He goes after another one, but Doug wasn’t just whittling wood to waste it. He made a croquet mallet and ball, and sends Willy away.

Foghorn decides to help the weasel get even with the dog. And once the only thing keeping them safe is dead? Don’t bother with the details. Live for the moment! The plan is to send Willy floating via balloon, and drop a lit fire craker on Doug. (Hey, Foggy? The balloon string is going through your beak. Okay. You fixed it.) Doug isn’t caught unawares. He whittles his latest masterpiece: a single toothpick. Attaching that to a paper airplane pops Willy’s balloon and dreams. The mustelid lands on another board Doug was probably planning to carve into a clothespin, flinging the rock it was setting under up. Doug lights his explosive for him, Willy’s snout changes color, and gravity and the rock send weasel back to rooster for the explosive finish.

The two then sneak about in haystack disguise, carrying miscellaneous weapons. Before they can really do anything with them, Doug uses his new greatest work, a wooden hand, to turn on the hay baler. (Foghorn, buddy, now that the hay is gone, I can see your foot going through your cannon. Stop that.) After the ride, the two are stripped of their respective coats. So what’s plan C? Oh, wait. The cartoon is ending here. Okay.

Favorite Part: I like the way Willy says “Yeah.” It’s his only dialogue, but it displays more character than Doug has.

Personal Rating: 2. The team-up doesn’t start until the picture is 2/3 done, the ending gag was pretty weak, and Doug reacts too calmly to things. I think that’s why I prefer our usual Dawg. He really feels like a living, breathing, rooster-pounding animal.

The Music Mice-tro

“Now I’m gonna destroy you, within an inch of your miserable life!”

Produced by William Hendricks and Herb Klynn; Directed by Rudy Larriva; Story by Tom Dagneis and Cal Howard; Animation by Bob Bransford, Ed Friedman, and Virgil Ross; Layouts by Don Shepard; Backgrounds by Walt Peregoy; Film Editor: Joe Sircusa; Musical Direction by William Lava. A Merrie Melody released on May 27, 1967.

Daffy Duck plays his most challenging role yet as Daffy Duck, movie star of Hollywood. It’s not an easy life, despite what your fantasies tell you. You’ve got appearances to keep up, parties to attend, and constant retakes of the same scene where you just had to say ‘yup’ with a popping sound while kicking back your legs. Anyone needs a trip after a week of that. And when you need to recuperate, you’d do no better than at Balmy Springs. The resort any celebrity heads to in these trying times.

You know what’s the worst part of being a celebrity? Everyone recognizes you. Daffy is spotted by a band that I’m calling Speedy and the Mph’s. They’re hoping that he could help them get into the movie biz. But even if Daffy was the sort of guy who’d give struggling artists a break, he won’t because their music is not doing anything to soothe his jangled nerves. Speedy recommends he go and relax by the pool, telling one of his friends that they’re still going to audition. (Unless they’re both named Miguel?)

Really, Speedy. You’re kind of being a jerk this week. Daffy hasn’t done anything to you in this continuity yet, and you’re forgetting the fact that he’s only human even if he’s a duck. Ask him later. Right now, Daffy is enjoying the ladies at the water’s edge. No doubt close relations of Geordi La Forge, Elton John and Sunny Miami from Pixar’s “Knick Knack”. Before he can start enjoying life again, the band surprises him once more. He whips them off with a towel.

As a peace offering, Speedy offers a lemonade with a excessively large novelty straw. Daffy is receptive, but doesn’t look where that straw leads and ends up drinking pool water. And I don’t have the heart to tell him that those ladies probably did what we all do in pools when we think we can get away with it. (Common courtesy is no match for even more common sloth.) When Daffy gives chase, Speedy leads him onto the diving board and gives him the slip by running along the underside. The whole thing has made Daffy nervous enough to shiver, and this causes the diving board to fling him in the air. Didn’t even wait for him to bend.

Speedy watches (no tail for a frame) and tries to catch him on his reclining (wheel) chair. Daffy lands on his head, and falls in the pool. (Still can’t remember your flying/ swimming prowess, amigo?) Speedy pulls him out and attends to his “chillys” with a heat lamp. Making sure to go all the way gets Daffy a little burnt out, so he tries to smash the mouse with the lamp. He and it just fall into the water. Speedy gets to play Porky’s straight man routine, with a casual “shocking” whilst leaning back against a house. Daffy goes after him again, and rather than just stick his head in the convenient and perfectly sized hole, lifts it, loses his grip and drops it around his neck. The mice play for him once more. Daffy should not have to struggle what he little he does to escape.

To calm himself, he heads for the golf course. (Boring is soothing.) His lessons are paying off, as he hits a hole in one. Speedy throws it back out, and when Daffy goes over to them, he gets the music full blast again. He tries blowing them up, but they move the hole. They get away and Daffy reminds himself that he needs to relax, so he goes back to his game. Speedy doesn’t think a shaky duck could hit a still ball, so he puts a jumping bean in another for Daffy to hit. Doesn’t work, and when Daffy tries to grab it, it hops down his throat. The mice mistake his new jumping for dancing, and start up the music once more.

Daffy gives chase via golf cart, but crashes. Speedy then gives us an instant replay to watch it again. That’s one way to fill up the time. Seriously though, it wasn’t even played as a clever joke like in “Tabasco Road“! It’s just the same animation with ‘INSTANT REPLAY’ at the bottom of the screen. At least say this is for those who went out to the lobby to smoke or take a leak! Daffy’s had it. He’s heading back to the chaos of Hollywood. At least he’s familiar with that and has an agent he can blame if things annoy him. The band lives up to the name I’ve given them by constantly showing up while Daffy tries to pack.  Just leaving isn’t a solid plan either, as they are in the car too.

Favorite Part: Speedy tells Daffy that he can’t be caught as he is the fastest mouse in Mexico. Daffy curtly reminds him that they’re not in Mexico and gives chase.

Personal Rating: 2

Those were Wonderful Days

” *Laughter that sounds like the Krushas from the GBA port of Donkey Kong Country* “

Supervision by Bernard Brown; Animation by Paul Smith and Don Williams; Music by Norman Spencer. A Merrie Melody released on April 26, 1934.

The days of which they speak were those gay nineties. Back then, everyone was happier. People sang the title song. Beer flagons sang the title song. (So… does drinking out of one of those count as making out with one of those?) And, as is typical of Warner Bros. shorts, print ads sang the title song. Whatever bar we’re in offers a free lunch, so it’s not surprising that some guy takes the whole spread for himself. What might surprise you, is him using the hat of a strolling woman for a table.

Ah, but it wouldn’t be truly be such a gay time unless there was a picnic, right? That’s where most folk are heading on such a fine day as today. It’s better than the bar, because it offers free beer. I’m amazed at the self control of most of the queue. Taking one mug, and that’s that. (Mostly because there only is one mug.) The last guy in line was the smart one. With no other witnesses, he can drink straight from the tab and down the rest of the barrel’s contents. There’s swimming, and a playground, and those kind of people that make me loathe being lonely: couples.

Two of them are riding a teeter-totter. And if you’re like me, you’ll see what I saw: the one and only Snidely Backslide keeping a close eye on who I think is a combination of Cookie and Betty Lou from “Sesame Street”. (Although, they cut away from him to a shot of him coming out from behind a tree again, so it’s okay to think there’s two of him. I won’t judge.) She’s already on a date with Betty Boop’s boyfriend, Freddy, but that’s okay. When Betty found out he wasn’t faithful, she bought a dog and never looked back. The villain is able to blast him away with a firecracker, and takes Cookie Lou away in a hot-air balloon.

Fearless Fred E. fires himself up via human cannonball method, and the two rivals have a fistfight. Fred E. falls, but is able to launch himself back up via flagpole. In the meantime, S.B. cuts the basket to send C.L. to her doom. For you see, he knows she’ll never love him and he knew the only way to not obsess over her was to kill her. It’s basic logic, really. No sooner done, when Fred E. bounces back for round two. He gets some punches in, and decides to light the balloon’s spout to make sure no one else will ever risk having their lady friends taken away. Stealing his adversary’s cape, he flying-squirrels his way down to C.L. who made the balloon basket into a parachute.

The two land safely, while ole Snide falls down in a daze thanks to the whole exploding balloon thing. Fred E. clobbers him with a nearby test-your-strength mallet, but C.L. screams at this, giving Fred E. a clonk of his own. Turns out, threats on her life put her in the mood and she chooses the only man who can satisfy her in that way. Humorous, but also right the heck out of nowhere!

Favorite Part: There isn’t enough trees for S.B. to hide behind when he makes his first move, so he has to keep whistling for his hiding tree to creep back in front of him. It’s clearly devoted. He should’ve tried to kill it.

Personal Rating: 2. But if you have a problem with people choosing mates that will clearly end poorly for them, 1.

Let it be Me

“Oh, Mr. Bingo!”

Supervised by Isadore Freleng. A Merrie Melody released on May 2, 1936.

Mr. Bingo is the talk of the town. All the hens huddle around the recording studio where he sings, and the radio where his sings come out. Even the married ones can’t help but fawn over the guy, much to their husbands anger. Much like a later picture, the guy looks like Crosby in voice only. At least here he isn’t being portrayed as coward. Just a cock. He knows the ladies love him, and he’s happy to let them destroy each other to get a hold of the boutonniere he throws their way. (After watching him walk for ten seconds. Gives us plenty of time to be attracted as well.)

Well, we’ve all had our celebrity crushes, right? (Mine was Tara Strong.) What’s important is that you come to the understanding that they will never know you exist and go about finding someone you actually have a chance with. I think that’s what’s going on through Emily’s head. She’s making her first appearance and unlike the second time, she talks with that (maybe not even) Bernice Hansen voice that makes her sound 15 years younger than she probably is. She has a guy interested in her named Lem, and I think the feeling is mutual. Good to see she wasn’t always so shallow.

Speak of the crooner! Mr. Bingo is driving by and he likes what he sees. Those breasts! Those legs! It’s what catches my attention on a chicken, that’s for sure! He invites her to come along with him to the city, much to the jealousy of Clem and that patch on his overalls that can shrink. (Why do some of the other birds in this cartoon walk around in the feathered nude? Are they the ones we get to eat?) Now, if those two really were a couple, then Lem really should understand that if a lady can upgrade you, she will. There goes Emily. Good-bye Emily.

Mr. Bingo has taken her to a party. There’s plenty to drink and he offers his new friend some. Maybe he wants her drunk, maybe offering her some is the gentlemanly thing to do. Emily is hesitant, and when she indulges, she finds it too strong for her. There is a singer at this party, and if the rules of this universe apply to her as well, I’m guessing her name is Ms. Fifi-o. Mr. Bingo likes what he sees and when Emily points out what a dick move this is, he has the waiter remove her. Stuck in a city without a ride home, Emily has no choice but to adapt. She makes ends meet by selling flowers on a very familiar street corner

Good old faithful Lem! Even though his lady friend threw him aside like yesterday’s chicken feed, he still worries about her, cares for her, and keeps the picture she gave him. Since he’s not stalking her, I find the whole thing very romantic. But the biggest thing on his mind is Bingo. Just hearing that guy on the radio is enough to get Lem angry enough to march down to his recording studio and beat the gravy out of him. (And because of this, celebrities will always have protection from here-on out. Thanks, cloaca-hole.) It’s pure happenstance that he comes across Emily immediately after, but they look genuinely happy to see each other again. I support it.

Some time later, Lemily, as we should call them has started up a family. Things seem perfect, but one chick starts to sing like Bingo! No idea where they picked up that habit! (Surely, he’s old hat by now. Old shoe even!) Doesn’t matter how they learned it. Daddy is still triggered by it and throws his book at the chick. I’m sure her bones aren’t that fragile, anyway.

Favorite Part: It might be something that I’m reading way too deep into, but I like the reaction Bingo has when Emily can’t handle the liquor. Maybe he’s realizing she’s too immature for him? If I’m right, that was some great and brilliantly subtle example of showing. NOT telling.

Personal Rating: 2. I could see some people finding it a little too mean, but really, throwing away a good stable relationship for someone you barely know is worthy of a little punishment, right?

Sheep Ahoy

“Hello, Sam.”

Directed by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Richard Thompson and Abe Levitow; Layouts by Maurice Noble; Backgrounds by Phil DeGuard; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on December 11, 1954.

Ralph is getting an early start today. Fred Sheepdog hasn’t even clocked out and Ralph’s already slinking down to the still living mutton chops. But Sam’s on his way. (This being their second picture, Fred still calls Sam ‘Ralph’.) Ever on top of things, Sam allows the sheep to continue living by knocking a stone onto Ralph’s head. Two can play that game! But why just repeat what the other guy already did? Ralph drops a boulder towards Sam, but it gets caught by one of those trees who decided growing in dirt was too easy and made it’s dwelling a cliff face, (*phew*! Lot of words.) and tosses it back.

In between fade-outs, one of the sheep has decided to graze on Sam’s ledge. Ralph merely has to pole vault over the dog, but even that is met with difficulties. Sam grabs the pole before Ralph could let go, and brings him down for another punch. (His paw gets darker in doing so. Maybe he’s wearing brass knuckles?) Ralph next tries a smoke bomb. But he doesn’t try using it to blind everyone else because then he wouldn’t be able to see his targets either. He just uses it as cover for himself because smokescreens have paws a good 58% of the time, and he can still see out of it. (Really, how is this supposed to be useful?) Sam tosses an explosive into the smoke, turning it black and obscuring Ralph’s vision for sure, leaving him to walk off a cliff.

A fake rock disguise seems to work perfectly as Sam treats him as he would any other rock: something to sledgehammer. (I love Ralph’s trembling as he sees this approaching. It’s gonna hurt.) The little pieces head back to regroup for a new tactic. He/they eventually devise a pedal-powered submarine to sneak upon drinking sheep. But… if his legs are poking out, doesn’t that mean water is leaking in? How does he breathe? (He should really listen to the background music. Every Chuck Jones fan knows it means certain doom is ahead.) Seeing the detour sign that Sam is holding gets Ralph to head over the nearby falls. Pedal all you want, pal. Water always wins.

Simple usually works best, so Ralph decides to just use a plank to fling Sam away. I don’t know what physics would usually dictate would happen, but Sam is flung up rather than away. He pounds Ralph. The whistle blows saving Ralph as the night shifts are returning. Fred once more takes Sam’s place whilst George Wolf fills in for Ralph. He’s just as bad with names as Fred is, as he calls Ralph “Sam”. (So at least the names are present and counted for.) You know, I bet Ralph planned that last stunt knowing George would pay the punishment. That’ll teach him for not bothering to learn his name!

I kinda want to see a short based on Fred and George now. Do you think they’re friends on the side as well? (I’m purposefully not making a “Harry Potter” reference, but I guess you can if you want.)

Favorite Part: One of the selling points on the fake rock is “Be popular.” That is blatantly false advertising and they know it, but it works because I’ve bought twenty.

Personal Rating: 3

Life with Feathers

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Directed by I. Freleng; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Virgil Ross; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on March 24, 1945.

Some sort of domestic squabble is going on in a birdcage, and I’m proven right by one of the occupants being evicted. He tells us that he is a lovebird, that was his wife who hates his guts now, and as his name suggests, he needs love to live. No point in suffering. He begins brainstorming some ideas about how to off himself. I’m sure some people would think he’s overreacting, but I think it’s kinda sweet that he is dedicated to the one he loves if she wasn’t. If I ever lost a girlfriend, I’m sure I wouldn’t find life too enjoyable anymore, either.  Me and him should be drinking buddies.

Fate decides his death for him with a cat who looks like he’s in the mood for a snack, seeing as he’s picking through the trash. This cat is Sylvester making his first appearance. And he rushes over once the bird gets his attention. He stops short because this seems too good to be true. He deduces that the bird is poisoned and just wants one less cat in the world. Because that’s what poisonous creatures want right? No point in living if you can’t ever be hugged. (On another note, pay attention to the speck of background between Mr. Lovebird’s wing and head. It’s also depressed as it turns blue.)

Sylvester’s owner calls him back for some milk. Wait, why was he picking through the trash if someone feeds him? (On another note, if you watch his face closely, you’ll see it has more white than usual as he zips into frame.) He spits out every drop once he finds out who was at the bottom of the bowl. Since Sylvester is paranoid and Mr. Lovebird isn’t going to explain why he’s come to the worst life choice possible, he has no choice but to order a mallet, smack the cat, then enter his mouth whilst he shouts.

Sylvester smokes a pipe to get him back out. (Hey, if you want to die so much, why don’t you just inhale that smoke that’s being inhaled. That secondhand stuff is deadly.) He traps Mr. L in a glass jug, and proceeds to open some cat food. (Does he normally feed himself solid food? He’s really well trained!) Whilst his head is turned, a very familiar looking feather drops into the bowl. Not daring to not look behind him, Sylvester doesn’t notice until it’s sticking out of his mouth. His worst fears are confirmed upon checking on the jug. He ate the dirty birdy!

Mr. L is okay though. This is all part of his master scheme: give Sylvester some pills, and hop on the spoon himself before it goes past the gums. Sylvester catches on. The bird decides to play fowl. He turns the radio to some sort of program that does nothing but ask if you’d like to eat this’nthat or so’nso. (Maybe it’s an ad?) To make things harder, Mr. L also shows plenty of pictures of delicious looking meals. The torture is working. (Do those fish have hair on them?) Sylvester soon gives in figuring if this doesn’t kill him, spending the rest of his life starving will. I’d say that adds up. Just before the deed is done, a telegram is delivered to the bird.

Whatever it said, it worked like a charm. Mr. L tells Sylvester that things will be all right back at home, so he doesn’t have to eat him. (On another note, his beak turns blue because it’s still depressed.) Too bad his treatment worked so well! Sylvester is still hungry and this bird on his had is worth two in any bush. The lovebird just barely manages to escape with his life. (Now, aren’t you ashamed you took it for granted?) So what was on that note, anyway? Has the Mrs. forgiven you for whatever she did? Better than that! She’s going to go live with her mother. Oh, Mr. Lovebird. Here I thought you were loyal to the end.

Well, you know what fickle creatures lovebirds are. Sweetiepuss changed her mind last minute, and Mr. L resumes his Sylvester chase. Since the little guy never made another appearance, I think he succeeded.

Favorite Part: One of the ways Mr. L tries to get Sylvester to eat is by dressing as Santa so he can give him a “present”. His pathetic, wimpery “Merry Christmas” is music to my ears.

Personal Rating: 3. A fine way to start a new character off. Good enough to be nominated for the Oscar too! But since it was the forties, you already know it lost to a “Tom and Jerry”.