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Sleepy Time Possum

“I’d know’d I’d get some action!”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Charles McKimson, Rod Scribner, Phil DeLara, Emery Hawkins, and John Carey; Layouts by Cornett Wood; Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling. A Merrie Melody released on November 3, 1951.

Attention everyone! Opossums are NOT possums. They live on entirely different continents! Apart from both being marsupials, they are only distantly related! Look…

Possum. Poss-um.

Opossum. O-poss-um.

Now, why do I bother so much? Because as the Lorax speaks for the trees, I speak for the animals. Since they can not tell when someone is using the wrong name, (that ironically, humans gave them) I will have to do so. And today’s picture is full of this kind of mistake.

The mailbox at the beginning is the only time the creatures are given the correct name. Seeing as how they all have American accents, they are clearly opossums. Though, honestly, you can’t really tell. The two parents look like some subspecies of kinkajou and their son looks like Hippety Hopper. (  At least he’s another marsupial)

Speaking of the son, his mother is upset to find him sleeping. (I am also upset. Opossums DON’T sleep upside down! They don’t even hang that way! They’re too heavy to do so!) Her reason is a lot more poignant. He’s got chores to do! But the kid is so lazy, that as soon as he hangs down, he sleeps again. (I understand his motives at least. The best part of life is being unconscious.) Ma threatens to sic his father on him, but Junior doesn’t care and sleeps once more.

Ma makes good of her word and tells Pa. He agrees that their son needs some discipline, but reasons that talking will net no results. Good thing he has a hunting dog costume on standby. (Don’t we all? I can’t count all the times I’ve needed to dress up as a dog.) One session of son scaring will keep the kid awake for days! Seems to work too, as one look sends Ma into hysterics and has Junior running for his life. Still, lazy as he is, he doesn’t go far before he stops to sleep once more.  Run and sleep, run and sleep. It goes on like that for awhile before Pa gets his son cornered.

Junior decides to try something opossums actually do, and plays dead. Seeing as how he is one himself, Pa doesn’t fall for it and instead ties his offspring to a firecracker. (Wait, what is the point of this? I though you were trying to stop his nap habits, not KILL him.) Either way, Junior ties the rope around his dad’s ankles when he’s not looking and escapes again.

Finding him at the top of another tree, Pa ties another one down with a rock so he can use it as a bridge to get to his sleeping son. Of course, said son cuts the rope just when his dad is crossing and flings him miles away. Pa proves his Olympic training was worth the effort, and he runs back immediately to catch his kid.

Back home, Pa tells his wife that Junior is finally doing the potato peeling he was supposed to be doing this whole time. The scare tactic didn’t work, so Pa just tied a balloon around his son. Now, forced to be upright, Junior can’t fall asleep anymore.

Personal Rating: 3

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Mel Blanc

There are some people who can not be topped. You can paint a picture, but Leonardo painted the Mona Lisa. You can make be a ventriloquist, but Shari Lewis already has put all your talents to shame. This brings me to voice actors. There are no shortage of greats. Charles Adler, who I’m convinced has vocal chords of steel, because he can do voices that hurt one’s throat just by thinking about how many takes he must do. Tara Strong who possesses the title of “Person who can produce the cutest voice.” And Frank Welker, a man who I think has eaten various different animal voice boxes, because I can’t fathom how a human could create pitch perfect growls, grunts, and other guttural bellows.

Then there is Mel Blanc. As fantastic as those other three are, he tops them. He will always be the top of the voice acting pile. You can become a good voice actor. You can be a great voice actor. You can become the most sought after voice actor in the world. But you’ll never be the master. There was only one. And this is his story.

May 30, 1908. Melvin Jerome Blanc was born. Greatness starts small, so one could forgive him for not astounding us the moment he exited the womb. The lad was fascinated by sounds. Specifically, voices. He took to doing some of his own during his childhood years. Also, according to him, his last name was originally “Blank.” But during high school, some dick-douche of a teacher said Mel would forever be like his last name: a blank. (Is it some unspoken law of the universe, that if you are going to be among the best that humanity will ever offer, some jerk off isn’t going to praise you for your talents, but just go on about how you’ll never amount to anything? If this story is true, I’m hoping this teacher felt awful about themselves, and killed their whole family before offing themselves so the gene pool would no longer be contaminated by their asinine actions.)

After school, Mel began working on radio programs. Seems his constant practice had paid off, and he was well known as a man who could supply many different voices. In 1932, he moved to L.A. and met someone her name was Estelle Rosenbaum. Since “Mel and Estelle” has such a nice ring to it, it’s no surprise that the two were wed. They did their own radio show called “Cobweb and Nuts” They didn’t need anybody else’s help with voices. Estelle was plenty capable, so she supplied all female voices, Mel took the males.

Estelle was instrumental in the next part of Mel’s life, and helped make him into the legend he is today. She suggested he go to Warner Bros. and let them make use of his voice. He agreed, seeing as how their cartoons weren’t doing very well at the time, and bland, uninteresting. voices were playing a part in that. Mel did not have an agent. He strolled inside the building and asked to show his stuff. The moron out front would not let him in, stating that they had all the voices they needed. (They only needed -43? I’m impressed.) Mel left. He came back two weeks later. The answer did not change. Don’t worry, the dumb man payed dearly for repeatedly turning away a talking gold mine, as Mel was stubborn enough to come back every two weeks for 2 YEARS! (It makes me wonder if they ever became friends, looking forward to the time that occurred every fortnight.)

Finally, that guy died. (Oh, don’t act you were never glad to hear someone croak.) Mel came in and found not the ordinary guy, but Treg Brown. Treg was a good man and instead of just shoving Mel away, allowed him to perform. Treg was a talented sound man, and he knew that Mel would help make this company’s characters immortal. Mel was introduced to Tex Avery who was in need of a voice for a drunkard. And so in “Picador Porky” Mel made his WB debut.

After this one performance, Mel was given an opportunity any serious voice legend would kill for: The star role of the series. Porky’s original voice of Joe Dougherty had a real stammer and it was too expensive to record him. Plus, it kind of hurts to hear Porky talk in those shorts. He sounds like he is trying to choke himself to death. Mel decided he didn’t want to mess this up, so he went out to a pig farm to get some pointers from the pros. (This man went to hang out with pigs. That alone is worthy of making him one of my heroes.) After coming back to the studio, (and bathing. That was an important detour) He told of what he learned. Pigs grunt. If they spoke English, there’d be a lot of grunting involved. Porky’s speech is based on the “oin-oin-oink” our universe’s pigs have.

The first short to have Mel be Porky was “Porky’s Duck Hunt.” As you probably guessed, this short gave another character a chance to be blessed with Mel’s pipes. Daffy made his debut here, and Mel provided him with a voice of his own. Now things were really getting good. Mel wasn’t just voicing for Warners; he also played parts at MGM (he’s grandpa squirrel in Hugh Harman’s magnum opus, “Peace on Earth.”) Walter Lantz studios (being the first voice of Woody Woodpecker and coining his laugh) and even Disney! (He was cast as Gideon the cat in Pinocchio. Sadly, the decision to have the cat be mute was chosen, and even sadder all the dialogue has been lost to time. All that’s left is a hiccup. But it’s a solid hiccup! I’m sure you can’t make one that good on command!)

Naturally, Mel’s most famous role was Bugs Bunny. When told how tough Bugs was, Mel considered the type of voice the rabbit would have. (That’s another thing Mel did. When seeing a character for the first time, he stopped and thought about how they would talk) He considered the two toughest accents he knew: Brooklyn or the Bronx. Why not use both? Also, he suggested the rabbit not say “What’s cookin?” when “What’s up, doc?” was much more entertaining. And craziest of all: Mel was not one to enjoy carrots. It wasn’t just the taste, though. Bite a carrot. How long does it take you to chew it up into an comfortably, swallow-able paste? Too long to put up when recording lines. Yet, the crunch of these root vegetables were essential to the character, and it didn’t matter how many other kinds of produce they tried. Only carrots sound like carrots. Mel didn’t let any stupid thing like that stop him! He took a bite, said the line, then spat the plant out. Every. Time. You can’t deny how many balls that takes. (Because it’s gross. And wasteful)

By this time, Mel and Estelle had been blessed with their own child, Noel. (Who is still alive as I write this, and if he ever happens to read this, let it be known that I’m not above a little butt kissery. Noel, your dad was too good for this Earth! And don’t think I don’t know how talented you are. Being the offspring, you do an amazing job of replicating your father. You rock!) Back on track: Mel went to Leon Schlesinger and asked for a raise. I mean, he WAS pretty important. He deserved a little extra. Leon didn’t comply, but he did do something for Blanc that voice actors had never gotten before: on screen credit. I’d say, in the long run, this was much more rewarding, as now people had no excuse to not know the name. In fact, Mel got the whole credit for the cartoons voices, even if he barely was in it. All those Roadrunner shorts where the only dialogue is Paul Julian going “Meep-meep?” Mel got the credit. (This was only at Warners. Mel had signed a contract that kept him away from other cartoon studios by this point.)

Mel was doing quite well for himself. Not only is he voicing the greatest characters in the world, but he is in several different radio series. (Even his own at one point) It was pretty much impossible to not hear his words. Even more astounding: this man smoked. A pack a day. If you talk to someone who smokes that much, not only does your nose recoil at their stench, but your ears tend to do the same thing when they speak. Mel didn’t have that problem. People listened to him. And loved him. When his parents opened up a fix-it shop, they named it after him and had him visit the crowds. This attracted business like you wouldn’t believe. (They bought things too. They weren’t just wasting Mel’s time.)

If you’re getting sick of me praising the man, you might as well leave as I don’t intend to stop. Instead, I’ll prove his talent. Watch “Rabbit Fire.”  At one point, Daffy pretends to be Bugs. In turn, Bugs pretends to be Daffy. Both of these voices are distinct from their normal selves, and even more astounding, each other. All you budding (and professional if you happen to read this) voice artists, try it. Have one of your characters imitate another one. And they can’t sound the same. It’s freaking impossible. And Mel did it.

Mel had standards. He didn’t like to copy others. When his colleague and friend Arthur Q. Bryan, died, Mel was asked to take over Fudd. He wasn’t happy, but he did voice Elmer for the rest of the toon’s appearances. (If I have to say one thing slightly negative about the voice god, his Elmer isn’t as great as the original. I’ll give him second place. Now don’t ever make me do that again!)

By 1960, his exclusive contract had expired, so he was free to breathe life into other toons. Hanna Barbera took advantage of this, and Mel began voicing many of their characters. Barney Rubble, Cosmo Spacely, Dino, Speed Buggy, Secret Squirrel, and Captain Caveman. (Of course there were more.) In addition, he did some sound effects for the Tom and Jerry shorts that were being made at this time, as well as giving a voice to the first appearance of Toucan Sam. But something else happened this decade. Something terrible.

On January 24, 1961, Mel left to do some more recording that he was so good at. He didn’t arrive. Turns out, he was caught in a car accident. (I’m putting all blame on the other guy, Arthur Rolston. But I suppose he was justly punished: he’d have to live with the guilt of nearly killing Bugs Bunny. Not many people would be willing to forgive that.) It was not a pretty sight. Nearly every one of Mel’s bones were broken. Worse yet, he was in a coma. And he wouldn’t come out of it. (Another fitting punishment for Rolston. A shame we all shared it.) Finally, one of the doctor’s had a brilliant idea! He asked Bugs if he heard him. Mel responded in Bug’s voice. That’s proof enough for me that Toons exist in some way. Mel could probably have been pronounced dead, but Bugs saved him.

Mel didn’t die that time, but he did spend the next months doing recordings in a full body cast. Warner’s had tried to get Stan Freberg to do Mel’s work for a time. Stan also had standards, and refused. (Hanna Barbera just had Daws Butler voice Barney. He could have said no, but didn’t. The round goes to Stan)

Even though he was beginning to get on in years, Mel did not stop entertaining. He visited children’s hospitals, answered every bit of fan mail, heck, he would call you up if it was your birthday and wish you a good one as your favorite character. He felt that as long as someone smiled, that was payment enough. Mel was a saint. He’s like if Charlie Brown got the admiration he deserves.

As time went on, Mel eventually had to drop his smoking habit. At age 77, he was diagnosed with emphysema. But you better believe that he did not quit acting! And good thing too, as a new movie was coming out that wouldn’t be as perfect as it ended up being, if it couldn’t have Mel. That was “Who framed Roger Rabbit.”  And I can not think of a better film for him to leave us on.

Sadly it’s true. Even legends can’t live forever. After doing a car commercial with Noel, it was suggested that he visit a doctor as he was coughing an awful lot. While there, it was suggested he stay the night to recover. Things didn’t go as they should have, some dumb bass didn’t put rails on Mel’s bed, and he fell out. Also, it was revealed that he had advanced coronary artery disease. On July 10, 1989, at 81 years old, Mel departed this world and left behind a void that could never be completely filled.

After this happened, a piece of tribute art to Mel was painted. Titled “Speechless,” it shows many of his greatest roles, heads bowed in respect at the loss of an irreplaceable treasure.

I’m proud to say I have one of these.

Mel was buried at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, where he has the most fitting epitaph he could possibly have, “That’s All Folks.” (He had stated that he wanted this in his will.)

Do not weep for the loss of Mel. He knew he would die one day, and never feared death. (Shame that he died before I had the chance to be born. It would have been cool to hear him recording new lines on Cartoon Network.) Mel was a great man who can not and should not ever be replaced. It’s a crying shame that his name no longer is remembered as he once was. But all one has to do is watch some classic cartoons, for about seven minutes at a time, Mel can live again. And while the body may be gone, the spirit isn’t. Rest easy, Mel. You had a wonderful life, and everyone who knew you benefited from it.

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Norman Normal

“♪ He looks a lot like you. ♪”

Directed by Alex Lovy. Story and voice Characterization by N. Paul Stookey and Dave Dixon; Animation by Ted Bonnicksen, LaVerne Harding, Volus Jones, and Ed Solomon; Layouts by John Freeman; Backgrounds by Bob Abrams and Ralph Penn; Film Editor: Hal Geer; Musical Direction by William Lava; Produced by William L. Hendricks and N. Paul Stookey. A Cartoon Special released on February 3, 1968.

Yep. This short isn’t technically a Looney Tune or a Merrie Melody, but it was produced by Warner Bros. so it is one of their cartoons. It’s an interesting one. More of a satire on social behavior than anything else. It was also a collaboration with folk singer, Paul Stookey. With a musical origin, it’s no surprise that our short opens with a song. The main character, Norman, shuts the band in a room, promising us we’ll hear them again at the end. (I hope so. That was catchy)

Norman seems to exist in world of doors. Entering one, he comes to his boss’s office. Seems that the ball-bearing company Norman works for is having a hard time getting a potential client interested in their product. Said client has a weakness: alcohol. It will be Norman’s job to take the man and get him drunk so they can get a signature out of him. Understandably, Norman is a bit uncomfortable doing this.

As the boss argues with him, they both get younger. Reflecting how immature this whole thing is while the argument shifts to Norman having to do something to be part of the boss’s gang. (He doesn’t have a name. Unless Boss is his name.) Seeing as Norman is a child now, the boss reverts to his original age and plays the reverse psychology card. Norman is clearly not mature enough to handle such a responsibility. This ploy works and Norman agrees to it while growing back to normal Norman. The boss sends him on his way.

Back in the dimension of doors, Norman once more resolves to not do it. It’s not right, but who is to say what is right? In such puzzling situations, turning to a parent is a good way to at least think things out. Luckily, Norman senior can also be found in a door here, so Norman enters and asks for advice. His dad chooses to instead waste time telling stories from his youth. It’s too bad he’s not being more helpful. Norman is having some serious thoughts about what is right and what is wrong, and how others have differing opinions on it. His dad ultimately disperses some half decent advice: that being to not make waves and fit it. (Translation: Conform. Society is never wrong.) Norman exits.

Rather than exiting back into the door area, Norman finds himself at a party. (Where some guy repeatedly says “Approval?” over and over like some kind of Pokemon. Since he has a lampshade on his head, we can assume this is purely alcohol based behavior.) Seems that this party is taking place later, as one person congratulates him on the sell. (We don’t get to find out if Norman did the morally sound option or not) The man also tries to tell a joke, but we miss most of it because Norman has to ask if it’s a joke about minorities to make them all fell superior. From the punchline, I’m guessing it was a pretty crappy joke, but everyone seems to find some humor in it. Even Norman.

The bartender tries to give Norman a drink. Norman doesn’t want one, saying he’s had enough. (Not sure if he really had any or not.) The bartender gets hostile and begans accusing Norman of not liking himself when drunk. The true him, that doesn’t have to abide by society’s rules and isn’t ruled by his common sense. Angry, Norman storms out.

Back in the familiar door land, Norman apologizes for getting us mixed up in his problems, and as promised, lets us hear the band once more. Before the short ends, we see the whole thing has been taking place in Norman’s mind. How existential. Stookey wanted to have Norman appear in more cartoons, but the studios closure the following year prevented this from happening.

Apologies to anyone who might have wondered where this post was last week. The website was down, and so was I. So down in fact, that I didn’t feel like updating for the rest of the week. While nothing has changed, I don’t feel you should suffer for my personal problems. (Then again, with all the comments I get, nobody probably even noticed my absence.)

Personal Rating: 4. (This only applies to adults. I’ll give it a 2 for kids)

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Page Miss Glory

“Call for Miss Glory!”

Supervised by Tex Avery; Words and music by Warren & Dubin; Modern At Conceived and Designed by Leodora Congdon. 3/C. A Merrie Melody released on March 7,  1936.

Another one of the 100 greatest. The oldest one in fact.

Hicksville is a pretty slow, country town. It’s the kind of place where one can’t open their mouth without a yawn jumping out. So, the slightest event will really catch the populace’s attention. In this case, a celebrity is coming to town. Her name is Miss Glory, and since this is such a big occasion, the entire town is pitching in to make the place worthy. She will be staying at the only hotel in the place, where the staff is also prettying up for her.

The bellhop is a young man named Abner. He is excited to be a part of everything and practices bellhop manners. Everything is ready, now all we need is the guest of honor. If the clock is to be believed, several days have passed without her showing. (Pft. Celebrities.) As the time passes, Abner sleeps and dreams. In his dreams, not only is he less ugly, (Getting some clothes that actually fit, a haircut, losing his ugly buck teeth) but the hotel becomes an art-deco place of beauty. And Miss Glory is here in Abner’s dreams too.

Being a bellhop, he is asked to page the titular woman. While we are treated to the title song, we do get some gags thrown in as well. After Abner stands on a guest’s train, it tears off of her. She rolls with it and does a fan dance. (If only she was 50 years younger, it would be okay to be turned on by this) Another highlight is the patron getting served a mountain of food, but only eating a bite of an olive.

Abner is not having much luck finding the woman, and things only get more complicated as the hotel announces that Glory is at the hotel. This attracts the attention of every single man in the place, who storms in her direction. Clogging the elevators, Abner is unable to follow and perform his duties. He does eventually get in one, but the operator heads out on his lunch break. Abner decides to send himself up, but due to coming from a world where hotels are not more than one story high, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and sends the elevator up and down at a high speed. Eventually popping out of the building, and landing him in front of a streetcar.

But that bell isn’t just part of a dream! It’s his boss! Miss Glory has finally arrived! (She must be a big deal. If the crowd is any indication, Clampett, Avery, Jones, and Melvin Millar have all shown up to catch a glimpse of her.) Abner prepares to do what he was meant to do, but the question remains: Is Glory as hot as he dreamed? Not unless you’re a pedophile. Miss is an appropriate title, as the woman in question is at max, six years old.

Personal Rating: 3

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Martian through Georgia

“MONSTER!”

https://www.topcartoons.tv/martian-through-georgia/

Directed by Chuck Jones and Abe Levitow; Co-Director: Maurice Noble; Story by Carl Kohler and Chuck Jones; Animation by Tom Ray, Ken Harris, Richard Thompson, and Bob Bransford; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Dilm Editor: Treg Brown; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc, Ed Prentise; Musical Direction by Bill Lava. A Looney Tune released on December 29, 1962.

Way, way out in space there is a planet. Even though it is yellow, I think we call it Mars. I mean, the indigenous lifeforms are called “Martians.” (I guess the universe is big enough for two Mars’s) They are really interesting. Like humans, they come in two genders: male and female. The males seem to be quite comfortable in their birthday suits, while the females are clad in purple jumpsuits. (Or they just have a purple coloration that covers their entire bodies, save for their faces.) They are a happy race. Well, except for one. And we’ll call that one: Al.

Poor Al. He is depressed. And he is depressed because he is bored. Both activities that martians typically partake in (levitating and though projection) bore him. (How can you be bored when you have constant access to pig pictures? And do martian pigs really resemble our Earth ones?) His depression must be really bad, because a woman tries flirting with him and he doesn’t give a crap. (And given by her heartbroken reaction, I think she was really into him.)

Al goes to a doctor. No martian speaks in this short, (which makes sense if you think about it. If you had thought projection abilities, what use would talking be?) so they communicate via their antenna. The doc thinks that traveling would be a good way to relieve his boredom and though Al doesn’t really think it will help, (I mean, he is still sulking as he leaves) he leaves. As he travels, he comes across a new planet. One full of simple, ignorant, life forms. (I’m stumped. What planet could that be?) Looking at this sad excuse of civilization, he finds a new purpose within him. He will shares his gifts with them! Finally feeling something close to joy, he heads down.

Things don’t seem to be off to a great start. Many people run away in fear, and those that don’t take him away for parking in a “no parking zone.” They send him to his new house, (a prison cell) but he has no time to stay. He must continue his mission! So he easily leaves. This gets everyone in a panic, and soon everyone knows of a monster that is on the loose. (The letters seem to be coming off that newspaper) Everyone except Al. When he does hear about it, he decides this is a good place to start helping these folks, and he soon finds the creature that everyone must be afraid of. I mean, it’s eaten a guy! (I think they are called “eggskahvayters”) He uses his atom re-arranger that he always had on him, and turns the beast into a cow/dragon/ cat. (Don’t worry, it’s friendly)

Satisfied, he begins to look for more wrongs to right, when a youth speaks to him. The child seems friendly enough, but he drops a bombshell: Al is the monster that everyone has been afraid of. According to the kid’s comic book, monsters are easily identified by their lack of noses. (That’s it, huh? So… birds, reptiles, fish, amphibians, mand\y mammals and every invertebrate are a kind of monster? The people of this planet are self-entitled pricks!) Al can make his antenna look like a nose, but it doesn’t change anyone’s opinion. (I think that kid is also a monster. His hands temporarily turn green) Even more miserable than before, he finds no other option. Suicide is the only answer. I mean, what else can one do when no one loves you?

Wait! Someone clearly did love him! (Although, after that cruel rejection of his, would she really still want him? Actually, the martians seem like quite the nice species. But I bet if they were both like the people on this planet, she wouldn’t give him another chance.) Realizing that as long as someone loves you, life is indeed worth living, he heads home. Seems the trip really did help him. (And that goes for non-romantic love too. No more suicide! You’re just hurting others.)

Personal Rating: 4 (It’s got a good message)

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Now Hear This

“QUIET!”

https://www.topcartoons.tv/now-hear-this/

Directed by Chuck Jones; Co-Direction: Maurice Noble; Story by John Dunn, and Chuck Jones; Animation by Ben Washam, and Bob Bransford; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Sound Effects Created by Treg Brown; Musical Direction by Bill Lava. A Looney Tune released on April 27, 1963.

Oh boy. This is a hard cartoon to describe. It’s kind of like if UPA directed “The Beatles Yellow Submarine.” And that just describes the style. Strange as it may be, it is an artistic masterpiece! And it was rightfully nominated for an academy award. (The last Looney Tune to get such an honor!) What could have beaten it? Another abstract short made by Mel Brooks? I suppose that makes sense, much as I hate to admit it. It’s also where we get the first use of the abstract opening that was used during the sixties. (A shame it is now remembered as part of the weaker shorts.)

So the plot. Unfortunately, the twist is spoiled as soon as it starts. (That’s pretty much my only gripe.) So we’ll just pretend like we never saw anything. An old British gentleman strolls along. Ironically, he is hard of hearing and carries around an ear trumpet. Clearly, it has gotten much use. The poor thing is battered and beaten. So we aren’t surprised to see him trade it for the red, shiny, pristine and perfect one he finds on the ground.

He gives it a test run. And not a moment too soon! Sounds like there is an automobile approaching! Or rather, it was some sort of animal. (As an animal expert, I’m saddened to find I can’t identify it. It resembles an insect, but has a telescoping neck and shoes for feet. It defies all nature.) Well, that was odd. But it seems to be working now, as the man delights in listening to a songbird. But the insanity is just getting started. Part of which is caused by some little man dressed all in pink, and lacks facial features. (Save for a nose)

I’m not sure if he is real or not, but in this short, I’m not sure if anything is real. Even our main character is started to get nervous, judging by the sounds his heart is making. And then? The scariest thing I’ve ever seen in animation. That is no exaggeration. In total darkness, the man is watched by several sets of angry eyes. That’s it. And that horrifying image is awesome. (Part of why it’s scary is that it’s a perfect metaphor for how I view the world. All alone. The only ones who look at us, silently judge.)

Why doesn’t the man just get rid of the thing causing all this trouble? He can’t! The little pink man won’t allow it! And the trumpet begins entangling the old man in music. Eventually leading up to a “Gigantic Explosion!” Happily, the old man is still alive. (If a bit bandaged.) Better yet, his old horn is still in the trash can. Tattered it may be, it still works fine, and the gentleman once more can hear the the lovely sounds the world has to produce. And the owner of the red horn? Satan. (Wish they hadn’t showed him at the beginning) At least that explains the creepy as hell imagery. He happily puts his horn back on his head, and leaves.

This short is something else. A treat for the ears as much as the eyes. (Just like the best cartoons) I think it’s one of the studio’s best, and think it belongs right up there with “Porky’s Preview” as one of the “100 best.”

Personal Rating: 4, but if the twist hadn’t been spoiled, I’d give it a 5. So close.

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The Hole Idea

“Inventive genius makes great discovery!”

Directed by Robert McKimson (One of his favorites, in fact); Story by Sid Marcus; Animation by Robert McKimson; Layouts and Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc (June Foray); Music by Milt Franklyn. A Looney Tune released on April 16, 1955.

Of the many great scientists that have existed throughout time, (and for that matter, the ones who have yet to exist throughout time) I think the greatest is: Calvin Q. Calculus. Because he specializes in making paradoxes a reality. In the past, he’s made everything from dry water to round squares. (There wasn’t much of a market for them, so they can no longer be found today, but it’s fascinating to imagine) And he did all of that without the support of a loving wife. (Gertrude is not the patient type. But she has good qualities. I mean, there must be SOME reason he married her)

His latest breakthrough is really a wonder: portable holes! (And it’s hard to be impressed in the crazy city he lives in. I think one of the bridges has a row of buildings on top of it) Nevertheless, he is granted instant acclaim! This hole thing is really a marvel! You can duck out of responsibilities, cheat at golf, and get the children you locked in a safe, out before the authorities arrive! (That’s an interesting picture on the wall. Not really a picture, but random farm related words and even a math equation. 4×4=4, huh? Math never was my best subject.)

Calvin has only one hope for his invention: that no one shall use it for nefarious purposes. (Minor mistake, but his award pokes out of the screen he is projected on. Minus one point) Ah, but you see, temptation is a powerful thing. And if there is an easier way to get what one wants, you can bet at least one person will try and ruin things for everyone. In this case, a (Man? They could be a very ugly lady.) person takes the professor’s case of holes while he sleeps and begins committing crimes. Using the holes for easy access into banks, jewelry stores, and Fort Knox. They begin calling this mystery person “The Holey Terror.”

They eventually move on to living targets, and break into a burlesque house. (Based on how sexuality is, that still gives no concrete evidence to the gender) But the cops are on their tail, and the thief is running out of holes to use. Down to one left, they use it to escape through a wall, just as the cops grab it. Said wall lead into a prison. (Never panic in these situations, it’ll always spell your undoing) Calvin is pleased to see things right in the world. (His sleeves are red in one scene then white in the next. Minus two points) Gertrude is still being a b*tch, and her husband finally decides to be rid of her. (Love his smile.) He tosses a hole in her path, and it must have been pretty deep. She ends up in hell. Satan sends her right back. (Even he doesn’t want to put up with her crap.)

Personal Rating: 3 bordering on 4

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Much Ado About Nutting

“Brazil Nuts”

Directed by Charles M. Jones; Story by Michael Maltese; Animation by Lloyd Vaughn, Ken Harris, and Ben Washam; Layouts by Maurice Noble; Backgrounds by Philip DeGuard; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling; Orchestrations by Milt Franklyn. A Merrie Melody released on May 23, 1953.

A brilliant little silent short from a brilliant man who knew exactly how to tell such stories. Not only considered one of the greatest, but the picture’s star would go on to at least have a cameo in “Back in Action.”

On a lovely warm summer day, a little squirrel crosses the street and heads towards a nut store. Unlike how it usually is in these cartoons, this squirrel doesn’t speak. In fact, he acts quite a bit like a real life squirrel. For the most part. For example, I don’t think he read the sign saying “Nuts” judging by how his nose twitches, he acted like most squirrels do and simply smelled the food. Luckily for him, (I’m just assuming the squirrel is a male. Everything I’ve read about this short says so.) all humans have mysteriously vanished from the picture, so there is no one to stop him from heading straight to the peanuts. (Which aren’t really nuts. I claim false advertising)

It’s not long before he spies the walnuts for sale. (An actual nut this time. Good for them.) Since they are bigger, he doesn’t hesitate to ditch the peanuts for a more abundant food source. But there’s always a bigger fish and he ultimately lays eyes on the coconuts. (Which really aren’t nuts, but nobody cares at this point.) They’re big enough for the squirrel to just need one, so he heads back across the street to enjoy some lunch.

But here’s where the conflict really begins. Despite being a rodent, his teeth don’t make so much as a crack in the fruit’s shell. He decides to act smarter than the average squirrel, (which to be fair, is still rather smart.) and uses some tools. Seeing as he is an animal, he starts with one of the tools chimps swear by: a rock. Upon slamming it onto the fruit, the rock snaps in two. And dropping it from a tree just embeds it in the ground. Time for the human tools. (There are too many obvious jokes for me to use here, so just use your favorite one.)

First up: a saw that loses its teeth. Then a jackhammer that is weathered away by the coconut. Eventually,  the squirrel is forced to take drastic measures. It’s time to drop the thing from the highest building he can. We get some great shots here. Several fade-ins to show the squirrels progress as he slowly, but surely hoists the heavy load up the countless stairs. The poor thing! I would gladly carry them to the top. But the squirrel is determined, and does ultimately make it. And he drops his meal. Wouldn’t it be great if this worked? Instead, the fruit just makes a chunk of the street lower than the rest.

That’s it. The squirrel gives up. And he is thoughtful enough to return the thing to where he found it. (Besides, there are many more things to choose from. Those walnuts looked pretty tasty.) But just as he puts it back in place, it slips and lands back on the ground. And it finally is cracked! The squirrel hurries over and pries open his prize. Alas, this appears to be a rare subspecies of matryoshka coconut, as there was another one inside it. Adding disbelief upon stress, the squirrel passes out.

Personal Rating: 4

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Termite Terrace Gag Reels

“You’re the god-damnest thing!”

I don’t know about you, but I for one am not too fond of work Christmas parties. Too much unwarranted joy for my tastes. (I can’t fathom the idea of being happy while cold) But say you worked at Termite Terrace back in the day? If these two glimpses into their place of employment were any indication, these people were a blast to work with. Both of these films were shown at the Christmas parties that were held there. Our first one comes from 1939.

Things start off great! Schlesinger himself is having a grand time with a Porky doll. (NEEEEEED!) For all the horror stories I’ve heard about Mr. Schlesinger, it seems that he was quite the ham and loved to be part of all these. Everyone was a ham! (Which means they have to eat kosher, lest they be labeled cannibals) Next is a shot of the happy employees coming to work. (Treg Brown, Chuck Jones, Ben Hardaway, among others) You might think they aren’t pleased to be there, because of the grumbling. That’s just because Henry Binder is marching them in with a rifle. When it’s time to leave, they sadly do. (They mask their pain well) And yes, this part is seen in “You ought to be in Pictures.” 

Binder does a bit dressed like Groucho, Carl Stalling plays a clarinet (or maybe it’s an oboe.) in his head, and one man asks another a question. He in turns asks a woman. She asks another woman, who asks another man, who asks Leon. He knows the answer to this question we weren’t allowed to hear: “yes.” The answer travels back to the original asker who is pleased to hear it. He heads to the restroom.

I guess Dave Mohannan isn’t too pleased with his job, as he tries to escape to Fleischers. Henry and his gun keep him on the winning team. And Tex Avery drinks too much. In the Inking department, the ladies are hard at work. They look a bit like men in drag to me, but then, I hardly have conversations with women. Maybe they all look like this up close? The one who looks like Tex thinks he is cute, and the one who looks like Bob Clampett drinks paint. (And Binder comes around to check their rears out)

Speaking of Binder, he is also in charge of interviewing potential new talent. One woman comes in to show off some of her stuff. By which I mean what the job actually calls for. Binder keeps looking down her blouse. Eventually he pulls her into his lap. Seeing as how she was a married woman, he soon gets reacquainted with his gun pal.

Personal Rating: 2 (Unless you are a Looney-tic, then it’s a 4 for letting us see these nuts in action.)

“Gwate stuff!”

This next reel came out a year later. And everyone here is playing themselves, so apologies in advance if you thought you were being made fun of. (Believe me, if we WERE making fun of you, we’d make sure you’d know) Those rascally employees are still at it. Can’t go wrong with giving each other a hot foot. (Even Leon joins in this game) Stalling composes music for upcoming “Merrie Melodies” and we get another glimpse at the ladies of the place. (The year has been kind to them. They look a lot more hot! The downside is they cluck now)

Binder still takes care of interviewing. He’s really reeled things in since last time as he hardly reacts to the woman stripping for him. (This woman was rotoscoped and her likeness would be used in Avery’s “Cross Country Detours.”) When her butt is revealed, Binder finally pays attention. (He has a lot of tongue. I knew non-toons could do that) 3:00 is relaxing time for the employees. Some play ball, others fence. (Don’t worry about the sword in his chest. I’m sure he can still work) But most of the employees play a game that everyone can play: face sucking. (Mel, I love ya, but fake kissing noises REALLY irritate me. Knock it off.) And in case any of you are trying to play “shipping” with these people, just know that couples one, three and four did actually end up married. So you can take the the holidays off.

The film is so self aware, that it can show the viewers footage of themselves at the actual party. Many people are dancing. (Poor Ted Pierce. He loses his pants) And they couldn’t resist having people of varying heights dance with each other. (Friz Freleng makes up what he lacks in height with his future Oscar wins) Someone tries to flirt with Tex, but the poor guy just can’t give in to temptation. (But he will abandon us for MGM.) And in the true meaning of Christmas, those who refused to actually give gifts, still at least wish some season greetings to everyone.

And of course, we end on the most tasteful joke ever imagined. Leon says he is off to the bowl. By which he meant the toilet. (Judging by the sign he puts up, I think it’s best to put the commode out of its misery.) Enjoy your holidays!

Personal Rating: Ditto as above

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Wild Wife

“A giant chocolate malt, please.”

Directed by Robert McKimson; Story by Tedd Pierce; Animation by Rod Scribner, Phil DeLara, Charles McKimson, and Herman Cohen; Layouts by Robert Givens; Backgrounds by Richard H. Thomas; Voice Characterization by Mel Blanc; Musical Direction by Carl W. Stalling.  A Merrie Melody released on February 20, 1954.

Our week long commercial is finally over, now back to “Amazing animals, exciting encounters, interesting ideas, obscure oddities and unique uh…ther things!” With your host, Gabby Yacksby.

Welcome back to our show. Today, we have been fortunate enough to obtain a transcript sent in by my creator, Dr. Foolio. In it, he recounts an encounter he had studying wild Homo sapiens in their natural habitat. His words, are as follows:

In a lovely house, the matriarch of the group has just collapsed from a very stressful day. (I won’t lie. She is hot! She definitely matches my description of a MILF. That means, a “mother I’d like a sandwich from”, right?) Having had followed her through out it, I can confirm. Her mate arrives shortly afterwards, and they exchange pleasantries. In this species, all members of the family have certain jobs to do. While the adult male goes out into the world to secure the means necessary for food and shelter, and the children prepare their minds for their own futures, the adult female is left in charge of many much smaller, but no less important tasks. Seems she forgot to do one: mowing the lawn. Upon hearing this, her mate flies into a rage and accuses her of never contributing to the upkeep. Standing her ground, she regales him with what transpired earlier in the day.

6:00 A.M.: After a night of trying to sleep through her mate’s constant snoring, the adult female awakes to prepare breakfast for the family. It is also her responsibility to wake all the members of the family up. Her offspring do not thank her for the sustenance, and her mate hardly looks her in the eye. He must leave to fulfill his role in society. He leaves while kissing his offspring, mate, and dog. (And the mailman.)

7:00 A.M.:  A clean habitat is a healthy one, so the female gets out a vacuum that was a gift from the male. It looks too complicated for me, what with all the attachments. She manages to get it running, but neglected to attach a bag, and now must sweep up all that she sucked up.

9:00 A.M.: She leaves the house and heads to a bank. She is to deposit some checks for her mate. Upon arriving, she finds a massive line leading up to the teller. To her luck, a new line opens up. Unfortunately, she doesn’t make it to the front in time, as an elderly female beats her to the punch. Said woman plans to deposit $200.00 in pennies. It takes so long that the other line diminishes. By the time she tries to take advantage of the now empty other line, she finds herself behind another woman depositing pennies.

12:30 P.M.: Having just finished purchasing a few things, the subject goes to eat. Her diet of choice is simple sugars served in liquid form. Like the noble hummingbird, she needs all the energy to keep up with her demanding workload.

1:00 P.M.: Not forgetting the rest of the family, she buys enough to keep them well fed for the upcoming week. After filling up her automobile, the food empties onto the pavement when she opens up the other door.

2:00 P.M.: To keep her mate attached to her, the female of the species regularly pretties herself up so he won’t be attracted to younger species who have larger breasts, and rounder buttocks. She pulls up to a beauty parlor, (doing a much better job at parallel parking than I could ever hope to achieve) and learns all the latest gossip. A pivotal skill that all her kind must learn. Of course, she must make repeat trips outside to feed more nickels into the parking meter.

3:00 P.M.: Unbeknownst to the female, two guys from the city have arrived to remove the parking meter. (One of which is capable of teleporting himself out of their vehicle) They put a fire hydrant in place of the meter. When the female exits, she finds her vehicle being ticketed by a police officer.

5:00 P.M.: And so we come back to where my notes began. Despite her tough day, her mate does not cut her any slack. As it turns out, she also bought him a present: A rolling pin that she whacks him with.

Conclusion: This species seems dangerous when provoked. (Just like the best animals) Seeing as how I scare easily and provoke on a daily basis, I doubt I shall ever attempt to take a mate of my own. End notes.

That was interesting. I don’t think I’ll ever show up again. I didn’t really contribute anything, and have my own things to do on Sundays. Good night.

Personal Rating: 3