Author: Dr. Foolio

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Porky’s Railroad

“Am-scray you m-m-mess of te-te-t-bones!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin.  Released in 1937

We see the 515, which is a huge speeding train! Obviously, this must be Porky’s vehicle. Why else would his name be in the title? Guesswhatit’snot. Porky is the engineer of a more humble locomotive. Less of a 515, and more of a 13 1/2. Her name is Toots and she’s a crack train. (And so is her driver. Their words, not mine!) How slow is Toots? A snail is easily able to outpace her. But then, she is powered by a lone candle. Plus the occasional sprinkle of pepper to give her a speed boost.

Porky is forced to take a stop as their is a cow on the tracks who refuses to move. Of course, she does move when she feels like it, but while she leaves, a bull passes her by and heads into some nearby bushes. Porky missed this, and when he sees a tail on the tracks, he naturally assumes it’s the cow again. He pulls on it, but luckily finds out it’s not a cow in time, and he speeds off. But more bad news threatens to spoil his day, as the dispatch office is told that Porky’s train should be taken off the rails. Someone new is to take his place in his shiny new ride, “The Silver Fish.”

Porky is sad, but proves he is mature by wishing the new guy good luck. He seems like a decent enough fellow, but he does have the gall to insult Toots. Porky actually confides to us that he is sure his train would win in a race. (He can see me!) That other guy heard it too, and accepts. The race begins and the new driver is clearly the owner of faster material. The Silver Fish can leap over boats, whereas Toots has to drive over them. (Clever nod to Schlesinger’s boat. Why else would it be called the S.S. Leon?)

As Porky is crawling along, he passes by that bull from earlier. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s still mad about Porky pulling his tail. He charges into Toots and the resulting momentum propels her over the finish line! Porky wins and is the new captain of The Silver Fish. (Poor new guy, that was probably his first day on the job.) And Toots? Well, I guess Porky doesn’t want her anymore as she is a passenger on the new train, heading for the last hoosegow. Rest well ole girl. You did great out there.

Personal Rating: 3

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You’re an Education

“Calling all countries! Calling all countries!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin. Released in 1938

This short takes place in a travel agency, where the brochures come to life. We see many different countries mixed with appropriate music gags. Hawaii plays “Aloha-oe”, Oxford plays “We’re working our way through college”, Scotland plays “The cambells are coming”, Africa plays “Conga”, and Mexico plays “La Cucaracha.” All the racial stereotypes cheer. “Cuba” plays a tuba and “India” plays that pipe, that snake charmers play. “Little America” and “Asia Minor” shake their rattles to the music, and a fish from the “Indian Ocean” does a war chant.

While the title song plays, two “Hungary” fellows visit the “Cook Islands” to fill their rumbling bellies. But why stop there? They get “Twin Forks, Minnesota” and load up their plates with “Turkey”, “Sandwhich (Islands), some “Thousand Island” dressing, “Hamberg(er)”, “Oyster” (Bay), and some “Java” to drink. While they tuck in, the thief of “Bagdad” sets about robbing the “Kimberly Diamond Mine.” He unlocks the door with the “Florida Keys” and tries to make off with his prize. However, he accidentally steps on a toy duck, waking a baby. It’s “Wales” alert everyone and many troops like the “England” guards and “Canada” Mounties rush after him.

He is found trying to sell the diamond to the “Pawnee” Indians and he tries to run for it. The “Pisa” tower blocks his path, he is poked by “West Pointers”, and must take cover from an erupting “Mt. Vesuvius.” His hiding place in the “London” fog, is revealed by the “Holland” windmill. A man from a “Dude Ranch” lassos him and drags him through the “Red, Black, and Yellow” seas. (Turning him many different colors) “Italy” uses its shape to kick him and he lands on the horse of the Lone Stranger. They gallop off together. (Huh. The villain won.) Interestingly enough, the Lone Stranger would reappear a few months later with Porky.

Personal Rating: 3

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Porky in the North Woods

“When I catch him, I will tear him limb from tree!”

Directed by Frank Tash. Released in 1936

Porky is the proud owner of a game refuge. There is absolutely no hunting, trapping, fishing, and firing around. Sounds great. All the animals definitely think so. But a evil character named Jean-Baptiste, is out setting bear traps, fishing, and just tossing torches around any dang way. (It’s Billy Bletcher again. Who I’m just now realizing has played many of my favorite villains: The Big Bad Wolf, Lawyer Goodwill, The Yellow Scientist, The Pincusion man, just to name a few.)

Cut to two beavers. One named Benny. (Although I’ve read alternate sources saying it’s Betty) who is in the middle of a game of leapfrog with another. (Who I will call either Benny or Betty. Whichever the other one isn’t.) They spy an apple and rush forwards eagerly. But apparently there is only enough for one, and after the tussle, Benny/Betty happily grabs his/her prize. Surprise! It’s a trap. (For shame Jean, hunting beavers with a bear trap.) Betty/Benny runs to go find Porky. (But not before helping herself/himself to the now safe apple.)

She/he gets Porky and he comes back to free the other. (Who is voiced by Bernice Hansen.) But there’s more trouble. A rabbit somehow got only it’s ears caught in one. (How did it end up doing that?) And a weasel got it’s whole body caught in another. (All right I’m going to say it. You purposely let that happen. Masochist.) Jean meanwhile, is not happy to find all of his traps empty, and vows to make Porky pay. Porky however, isn’t running away, he’s running a first-aid station, where he irons out all the animals bodies to straighten them out again.

Jean finds this, and marches in. (And gets his fingers ironed.) Caught, Porky has no chance of escape and Jean roughs him up quite a bit. (Clearly he’s the victim here. I mean his illegal traps were robbed.) Seeing Porky in danger, one of the beavers pulls an alarm (Moose) and alerts all of mother nature’s finest. Bears! Skunks! Turtles? (I figure they’d be hibernating.) All coming to the rescue. Jean tries to flee on skis, but the animals still beat him up with various tools and send him headfirst into the snow, leaving only his skis above ground. The beavers in turn, make this into a see-saw.

Personal Rating: 3

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Now that Summer is Gone

“Poppa needs a new pair o’ shoes.”

Directed by Frank Tashlin. Released in 1938.

Another year has gone by, and in the tradition of updating each year, I will now list the year in which the day’s featured short was released. So, let’s begin.

It’s Fall, and that means the squirrels are busily storing acorns for the winter to come. All except one little squirrel. Work is for those who don’t like to have fun. He’d much rather gamble for them. He wins and the other all storm off. (What poor losers.) Unfortunately, the squirrel’s father shows up and scolds him for his deeds. (The other squirrels laugh and tell him that gathering acorns is the right way to do it. Hypocrites.) Despite his dad’s warnings, Jr. keeps it up and wins all the time. Soon enough, it’s time to go get their acorn supply from the “nutional bank.” His dad reminds him to not gamble while doing so, but he immediately runs into another squirrel who offers to play with him.

Admist a montage of dice, cards and roulette wheels, the little squirrel steadily loses everything. (Obviously that older guy is cheating.) With nothing left to win, the gentleman leaves and Jr. sadly heads home. Once there, he begins telling a tale of how bandits beat him up and stole the acorns. (They must’ve been nice enough to clean him up afterwards.) Too engrossed in his fib, he doesn’t notice his dad putting on the disguise he was wearing. (Are you shocked?) But he does soon enough. Having caught his delinquent son in the act, his father plans to give him ten lashes. Has Jr. learned his lesson? Will he take the punishment like a man? Heck No! He offers double or nothing but gets paddled anyway. We hear his cries of pain all through the ending.

Personal Rating: 3

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Little Beau Porky

“You! Scrub my Camel!”

Directed by Frank Tash

At a Foreign Legion outpost, “Le Comandent” comes out to speak to the troops. He has so many medals, he jangles whenever he steps. Looking over everyone, he sees Porky at the end dozing off. He calls him up for a camel wash. As they walk, Porky imitates him, but “Le Comandent” is not amused. Porky tries his best to wash the ungulate, but it keeps standing up and laying down. Whichever is the opposite of Porky’s location.

While that is happening, an injured soldier comes by to deliver a message. It seems like a man named Ali Mode is coming to attack. Everybody rushes out to the rescue. Even Porky. (Riding the camel that I’m pretty sure was established to not be his) “Le” tells him that as a camel scrubber, he is not allowed to come. Claiming he’s not scared, Porky locks up everything anyway. (Says he felt a draft.)

With everyone gone, Ali tries to take advantage of the (what he believes is empty) post. He knocks at the door Porky is hammering shut, and gets the Pig to believe it’s an echo. Soon enough, Porky catches on and Ali’s forces attack. They dig into the base, but Porky chops a tree that lands on all of them, and sends them back outside. Porky defends the whole place, and he kicks butt! Even that camel I don’t think he owns helps out. At the end of the short, it’s revealed that Porky is now “Le Comandant.” (He has so many medals, they hang off of his uniform.) Even that camel gets some recognition. With medals stretched between his humps. (Wait, how’d a bactrian camel get here anyway?)

Personal Rating: 3

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Little Pancho Vanilla

“You will never be bullfighter. You will always be, Mamacita’s good little machachito.”

Directed by Frank Tashlin

Our main character, Pancho, is reading a book on bullfighting. His mother however, is very discouraging and pretty much tells him he sucks. As Pancho (whose age is also never mentioned) sulks, three senoritas (of unidentifiable age) walk by. They cheerfully say hi, but Pancho is too busy brooding to be polite. The girls sing/mock him. (That’s the best part) Their attention is grabbed by a poster, that shows Clark Gable as a toreador. He’s apparently the greatest in the world! Or at least in Mexico. Pancho knows of one better: himself. The girls laugh. Come the big day, Pancho tries to enter the amateur entrance with everyone else. (At least he’s not insisting he’s a pro) He is turned away due to being too short. He sits on a wagon and grumbles at the fact they’re not letting him in, because he would scare the bull. (Suddenly, I have a huge craving for sour grapes) Inside, the bull is making billiard balls out of everyone. They bounce around, (dissapearing) and one flies out and lands on the wagon Pancho’s on. This launches him into the arena. He lands on the bull who is knocked down. Getting his second wind, the bull charges. Pancho may not be very big, but he is fast and gets out of the way. The bull still launches him, but Pancho launches him right back. Not fooling around, the bull revs up and gives a mighty charge that sends Pancho into the air. He falls on the bull and knocks him out for good. Back with his mom, Pancho and the girls (who I think I will name: Rose, Rosie, and Rosita) tell her what happened. She still acts kinda like a jerk. (You could’ve gotten hurt) But at least she makes use of Pancho’s first prize: a washing machine.

Personal Rating: 2

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The Case of the Stuttering Pig

“I’m going to get rid of those pigs!”

Directed by Frank Tashlin

Ahh. It feels good to be talking about my good pal, Porky again. Our story begins and, “It was a dark and stormy night.” Inside a house, there are six pigs. The majority of which seem frightened out of their wits, but my man Porky is smiling. Until, there’s a knock at the door. That sends all of them into the air. (I would like to point out that Porky IS wearing pants in this short) There’s no need to worry however, it’s only thier good friend, Lawyer Goodwill. (voiced by Billy Bletcher. Yeah, he can play a nice character can’t he?) Apparently, good, old, uncle Solomon Swine, (who looks an awful lot like Olliver Hardy) had passed away. Goodwill is here to read the (good) will. Or rather, he just lets them read it. Is that allowed? Seems their Uncle is leaving his entire house to his niece and nephews. (And he also seems to not want to be burried on the lone prarie.) But wait! There’s more! If they die, then Solomon’s friend, Goodwill gets everything! (They seem a little too interested in reading that part) Goodwill leaves. *phew* I though for sure he’d kill them. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal to have a secret lair in the basement of your dead friends house. Goodwill must be thirsty as he pours himself a nice glass of “Jeckyll and Hyde Juice.” Turning into something I’m sure we’ve all seen in our nightmares at some point, he announces his plan to remove what stands in the way of his inheiritance. (Huh. I never saw it coming.) He tells us all in the audience that we can’t do jack to help. (darn) Especially the guy in the third row. Anyways, Porky and his (siblings? cousins? I don’t think it’s ever stated) are all getting settled in. But the lights keep turning off and on, and each time, another of the pigs dissapear. First, Patrick. Then Peter. And Percy. And then Portus. Until thery’re all gone. Well, acutally, Porky and Petunia just went hiding behind the chair. (Out of all Petunia’s appearances, this is the only one where she and Porky are related.) Goodwill meanwhile, tells the others how he plans to do them in, as soon as he gets the last two. (why not? might as well get it done all at once) Before leaving, he mocks the  third row guy again. He captures Petunia quite easily, but I guess decides to have fun with Porky first, as he just follows him in Petunia’s place. When Porky notices, he runs up the stairs and leaps into the safety of Goodwill’s arms. (That juice must give you superhuman abilities. and duck feet) Porky runs again and finds his…sibl…cous…family stuck in some stocks. He frees them, but it appears to be too late! Goodwill has them cornered and moves in for the kill. When, all of a sudden, a chair flies in, hits Goodwill, and lands him in the stocks himself. Who could have done such a kind gesture? It’s the guy in the third row of course. (Voiced by Mel Blanc, in his normal voice)

Personal Rating: 4

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Fifty years of Bugs Bunny in 3 1/2 minutes

“The King! Your Majesty!”

This… is one of the best things I’ve ever seen in my life. If not the greatest, then probably the ninth. A 50 year tribute to the world’s most popular toon in such a compact time limit? It’s everybodies life mission to see it at least once. And since I was able to find both the American and Australian versions, you can enjoy both at any time! Since I have seen every Bugs Bunny short, I am going to list all that are here. (If I screwed up, please feel free to correct me. It’s the only way I’ll learn.)

“Rabbit Hood”, “Elmer’s Pet Rabbit”, “The Old Gray Hare”, “A Wild Hare”, “Rabbit Of Seville“, “Rabbit Rampage”, “Rabbit Seasoning“, “Rabbit Fire“, “Duck! Rabbit, Duck!“, “Person to Bunny”, “Rabbitson Crusoe”, “Wild And Woolly Hare”, “Big House Bunny“, “Mississippi Hare”, “Operation: Rabbit“, “Compressed Hare”, “Rabbit’s Feat”, “Bowery Bugs“, “Hare Splitter”, “Hare-Breadth Hurry”, “Sahara Hare“, “Long-Haired Hare“, “A Witch’s Tangled Hare”, “Foxy By Proxy”, “Barbary Coast Bunny“, “Big Top Bunny“, “Apes of Wrath”, “Homeless Hare“, “Haredevil Hare“, “Rabbit Punch“, “Hair-raising Hare“, “Bill of Hare”, “The Fair-Haired Hare”, “Bunny Hugged“, “Bugs Bunny Rides Again“, “The Bugs Bunny Show,” “What’s Up, Doc?“, “8 Ball Bunny“, “What’s Opera, Doc?“, “Bully For Bugs“, “Bunker Hill Bunny“, “Roman Leigon-Hare“, “Knights Must Fall”, “Knight-Mare Hare“, “Rebel Rabbit“, “Bedeviled Rabbit”, “Horse Hare”, “Lighter Than Hare”, “A-Lad-In His Lamp”, “Lumber Jack-Rabbit”, “14 Carrot Rabbit”, “The Million Hare”, “Which is Witch”, “Hot Cross Bunny”, “High Diving Hare“, “Captain Hareblower”, “Hare Trigger”, “Racketeer Rabbit”, “Acrobatty Bunny“, “The Heckling Hare“, “Bewithced Bunny”, “From Hare To Heir”, “Mad As A Mars Hare”, “The Grey Hounded Hare“, “Hare Do“, and in the Aussie’s case, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit“. All set to “The Barber of Seville” and “Hungarian Rhapsody Number 2” Which is the superior version? I can’t choose. Tell me what you think.

Personal Rating: 3

Hopefully you’re not too worn out of Bugs shorts. We’ll switch it up again next week.

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Bugs Bunny Superstar Part 1

A 1975 documentary, narrated by Orson Welles of all people. It begins by showing us many of our country’s greatest landmarks. (The U.S.A. for anyone foreign visiting) One of which, is the studio that we know as Termite Terrace. The birthplace of the greatest cartoon character ever, (Porky may be my favorite, but based on greatness I can’t argue) Bugs Bunny. After showing us the short “What’s Cookin Doc?” Clampett tells us that the cartoons were made primarily for adults. (And yet, Watch mojo didn’t know this, putting Looney Tunes as the number one cartoon series made for kids that adults watch. morons) We see alot of awesome merchandise too. I want most of it. Okay, I want all of it. We learn that they were the only animation studio in the WB lot and as such, they were close to the greats. Clampett actually recalls seeing Jolson put on his make-up for the Jazz Singer. (Isn’t it a shame that the first talking film had racsism in it?) Being so close, meant that the stars would freqeuntly poke their heads in, to see what was being drawn. Doing this so often, of course meant that they would be caricatured. Clampett was teamed up with Tex Avery and they named their new HQ Termite Terrace. (So named, because of the dilapidated state of the place) They had good times as Tex and Friz Freleng tell us that they basically did waht they wanted. We’re then shown the short “A wild hare.” (Which for some reason is called THE wild hare here.) From the mid depression to the end of WWII was what they considered their golden age. A time when most of their characters were born. Back then, they had to be their own models for their drawings, so they could sketch the faces just right. We’re also told, tht despite the fact Bug’s carrot looks like Groucho’s cigar, the bit is actually based on Clark Gable eating a carrot in “It happened one night.” Saying that watching that scene, they didn’t see Gable, only a giant rabbit. They also acted out the scenes too, as we see Avery pretend to be a scarecrow. Mentioning Carl Stalling, we actually see some of his scores. But it’s more fun to listen to, and we are shown “A Corny Concerto.” (Finally. A short I talked about) But of course, Bugs wasn’t the only star there, as Clampett explains that Tweety was based on his own nude baby photos. He also mentions that the censors complained about Tweety being naked, and yet, they never noticed that Porky had no pants. (Porky is too cool for that) To end off part 1, we are shown the short, “I taw a putty tat.”

Part two will come someday. If you’re reading this in the futrure, then it may already be here. Go check it out.

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Raymond Scott

Born in Brooklyn to some Russian/Jewish immigrants, was the genius known as Raymond Scott. Influenced by his older brother, he formed a band in 1936. Despite the fact there were 6 of them, he called it a quintette. (It sounded crisper.) Besides, he said that if one called it a sextet, it might take your mind off of music. (Admit it, yours just did.) He called his work “Discriptive Jazz.” It was adored by the public! But the critics were a-holes. They called it “novelty music.” Screw them.

This guy was also a firm believer in playing by ear. He said, “You give a better performance if you skip the eyes.” Genius. In 1943 he sold the music publishing to W.B. This allowed resident composer, Carl Stalling, to adapt anything in the music catalog he pleased. Because of this we heard such awesomeness as “Dinner music for a pack of hungry Cannibals.” (“Gorilla my dreams“) “In an eighteenth century Drawing room.” (“The Aristo-cat”) And perhaps his most well known piece,:”Powerhouse.” (“Swooner Cronner“,”Baby Bottleneck“,”The great Piggy Bank Robbery“…) Looney Tunes would not be the same without his legendary pieces. We should all be thankful.